Wrestling With Desire

by D. H. Starr

You changed me in a way that opened me up. It scared me, but I can't remember ever being happier. I'm not just talking 309

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  about kissing and getting off, I'm talking about love. You made me feel like I was the most important person in your world. When things changed between us, I became depressed and withdrawn. I couldn't stand that we weren't together like we had been. I wanted to hold you and kiss you and to keep moving forward, but we couldn't and it hurt. I thought if I put up my guard I could protect myself from becoming vulnerable again and it worked for a while, but I couldn't continue doing it. I won't go back to the person I was before I met you.

  You've changed me and it's definitely a change for the better."

  Derek swallowed, his mouth running dry. "Could I have a sip of that?" Scott handed the water bottle over, and Derek took a big gulp. "What I'm trying to say is you gave me something, and when you needed me to give you what you needed, space and understanding, I couldn't do it. I'm sorry for that. I want you to know how much you mean to me and how much I hope you find your way back to the happy and carefree person you are." And if you will have me back, I will be the happiest person in the world. "Maybe things won't work out for us and it won't be either of our faults. That sucks, but at least I got to know you and to love you. I want you to be happy Scott, whether it's with me or not." Derek inhaled, surprised to find his breathing had become shaky.

  Scott stared at Derek, not saying anything. Derek tried to sense what Scott was thinking, but there was so much going on in Scott's eyes and in his body language Derek couldn't get a read. "Well, I guess I should let you get back to the auditorium. You know you can beat Tony. Don't stand in your 310

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  own way. You are a champion. Go onto the mat knowing you're a winner. I sure as hell know you are." Derek held Scott's gaze, then headed back towards the stairs.

  Derek didn't make it five steps before Scott spoke. "You don't get to say all that and then just walk away." Derek froze and slowly turned around, expecting to be confronted with anger. When he faced Scott, he saw no trace of annoyance.

  Scott took a step closer to Derek before speaking. " I'm the one who should be apologizing to you Derek. You opened yourself up to me. You allowed yourself to take a chance on me and I failed you completely. I allowed my dad to force me into a punishment I didn't deserve, and didn't fight for myself at all. It's the story of my life with him. I accept what my dad decides and believe I can't do anything about it."

  Derek started to protest, but Scott held up a hand. "I listened to you. Now you're going to listen to me. I lost myself over the last month and in the process I lost you too.

  That's not your fault Derek, it's mine. I'm the one who pushed you away. Maybe I did it by forcing you to get angry and frustrated. Maybe I created a situation to fool myself into believing you were being selfish. I needed someone to be mad at and you were the only one to lash out against. But the real loser here is me.

  "You say I brought things out in you. What you don't realize is you have brought things out in me as well. You welcomed me as a friend since the first day of school. You introduced me to Beck and to the guys on the team. You shared your music with me. You made me believe, for the first time, that I could count on someone to be there for 311

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  good. On top of everything, you made me like being gay. You accepted me just as I am and loved me for it. No one has ever made me feel so stable and secure."

  Scott took another step towards Derek. "I've been miserable ever since winter break, but my dad is not the main reason why. I've gotten used to my dad being the way he is.

  That needs to change, but it's so not the point right now. I was miserable because I knew I hurt you. When you shut off from me completely after you drove me to school and I said I needed space, the best part of me slipped away with you. I've done nothing but think about you and miss you. I've wanted to get down on my knees and beg you to take me back, but was afraid you didn't want me anymore. I still love you, Derek. I never stopped."

  Derek's whole body flooded with happiness and emotion, his words barely audible, as tears began to spill down his cheeks. "I still love you, too."

  Scott took two steps closer to Derek. "What I'm trying to say is I want you back in my life. Not just as my friend, but as my boyfriend. Everything is better when I can share it with you."

  Derek's muscles began to go limp and his chest began to heave. He was sure he was going to fall over at any moment.

  He hadn't seen Scott close the gap between them, but was thankful he had. As his knees began to buckle, two strong arms wrapped around him, preventing him from crashing to the ground. Allowing his body to sink into Scott's embrace, all other sensations faded away, and Scott's arms wrapped tightly around him was the only thing he cared about.

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  Derek had no idea how long they stood holding one another, but when they finally pulled apart, Derek stared at Scott's face and saw pure affection through the tears streaming down his cheeks. They both reached for each other at the same time and their hands tangled.

  Laughing, Scott raised his hand to cup Derek's neck in his palm. Curving his fingers so they caressed the back of his neck, he drew Derek towards him, bringing their mouths together in a gentle, lingering kiss. Scott placed his other hand on the side of Derek's head as the intensity of the kiss increased. Their mouths opened and their tongues ventured into each other's mouths, reclaiming the feelings and tastes they had been deprived of for so long. Eventually, Scott's grip on Derek eased and their kiss returned to a sweet and gentle expression of love.

  Pulling apart, they faced each other and Derek peered into Scott's blue-green eyes. He had forgotten how beautiful they were and suddenly realized why...the spark of mischief and seductiveness had returned. To his surprise, even though Derek's cock already strained at full mast, it grew even harder. He took Scott's hand and placed it over his heart.

  "Look what you do to me. My heart is jumping out of my chest."

  The glint in Scott's eyes danced as he lowered his hand to Derek's crotch. "Mmmm...I'm glad that I still do that to you."

  He held Derek at arm's length. "Let me get a good look at you." Assessing him as if he were on display, Scott couldn't help but giggle. "Besides your bloodshot eyes, your red and swollen lips, and..." Scott dropped his eyes, then raised them 313

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  once again, one eyebrow cocked, "...that enormous package you are sporting, I'd say you're fairly presentable."

  Derek laughed in earnest. "I think I'll sit here for a moment until I calm down a bit.

  Scott took Derek's hand, placing it over his own crotch.

  "Maybe we should both sit for a while to calm down."

  It didn't take long for their mothers to find them, when they finally returned to the auditorium. Derek's mother looked concerned. "Where have you two been? The second round of matches is almost over." Her gaze bounced between the two of them, a quizzical look crossing her face. After a second, the questioning expression shifted to one of understanding.

  "Oh... oh!"

  Shannon looked utterly confused. "Well, answer her.

  Where have you been?"

  Derek's mother cut in before either of them could answer.

  "Often the boys who make it to the finals take a break during the second round while the wrestlers who have matches compete for third and fourth place. I can't believe that slipped my mind." She shot Derek a knowing glance.

  Derek looked at his mother with gratitude. "How did Josh and Power do?"

  "Josh and Power both won their matches. It's so exciting, six of the seven Brampton wrestlers moved to the finals after the first round. Lexington only has two and Waltham only has four."

  Shannon
still looked confused and opened her mouth as if to ask another question, but Derek's mother grabbed her by the arm and dragged her away.

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  Scott turned to Derek. "What was that all about?"

  Derek glanced at Scott. "My mom knows about me. Now I guess she's figured out about us."

  Scott panicked, and then relaxed, the tension flowing out of his body. "Okay, I'll admit, I'm a little freaked out, but I can deal with it." Derek wanted to hug him, but refrained.

  Instead, he walked to his bag to prepare for his final match.

  The Brampton wrestler who had competed in the semi-finals lost his match. Three of the Waltham wrestlers had taken third and one had taken fourth. This put Brampton at a disadvantage going into finals. There was one member from the Brampton team who had his final match before Derek's and he lost. What made it worse was he lost to a Waltham wrestler.

  Derek had already wrestled Kevin from the Waltham team earlier in the year and had pinned him which boosted his confidence going into this match. Neither of them had to work too hard to make it to the finals, so they both had a good deal of energy. When the match began, he scored a quick takedown and turned Kevin to his back, earning back points.

  The first period ended with Derek in the lead five to zero.

  In the second period, Derek began on the mat with Kevin on top. He quickly escaped and took Kevin down to the mat.

  Derek waited for the burn and ache he normally experienced at this point in his matches, but it never came. I can do this. I beat him once already this year. At the same time, Kevin's ability to resist Derek weakened. I am stronger and have better endurance. Taking advantage of Kevin's diminishing energy, Derek knocked Kevin to his side and rolled him to his 315

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  back. Kevin arched onto his head, attempting to roll back to his stomach or to escape, but each time he arched, Derek tightened his hold. Kevin is wasting his energy. It's time to end this. Squeezing with all of his strength, Derek restricted Kevin's ability to move and slowly secured his shoulders to the mat. The ref counted to three and slammed the mat.

  His teammates screamed his name in a chant-like fashion, splitting it into two distinct syllables. De-rek. De-rek. De-rek.

  He heard his parents and Shannon shouting "He won! He won!" Walking to the center of the mat, he shook Kevin's hand and the ref raised his arm as the winner. He was the division champion for his weight class.

  There were several matches before the next Brampton wrestler, Frank, had his final match. Derek walked over to his parents and Shannon who gave him a hug and congratulated him. His mother had a tear running down her cheek. "I'm so proud of you honey. What a way to finish your high school wrestling career." Scott walked over to join them and his mother released Derek, pulling Scott into a big hug, squishing his face to her breasts. Scott looked mortified, but allowed the gesture. Derek had to bite his lip to keep from laughing.

  When Frank took the mat, Derek and Scott walked over to watch. "Scott, go prepare yourself. You're wrestling Tony.

  Last time you wrestled him your head wasn't in it." Scott brooded for a moment remembering that he and Derek had been in a dark place at that time. "But," Derek added, "now there's no reason for you to be distracted."

  Scott smiled and leaned close to Derek's ear. "Well, I could be distracted if I think of what you and I did upstairs."

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  Derek fixed him with a serious glare. "Then don't think about that right now." Scott pouted, causing his bottom lip to become even more prominent. Derek leaned closer to Scott.

  "You know, when you do that, I want to nibble on your lips."

  Scott's grin widened as he lifted his eyebrows in a suggestive manner. "You promise?"

  Derek shook his head. "I'll do more than that if you beat Tony."

  Frank lost his match to a Waltham wrestler. The next match was Scott's. He walked to the center of the mat and stood in neutral position facing Tony. The ref blew the whistle, and both Tony and Scott lunged for each other's legs.

  They missed and ended up facing each other from a standing position once again. Tony shot down to Scott's legs, successfully grasping one and brought Scott to the mat. The look of frustration and defeat which Derek had seen during Scott's semi-final match against Fred was nowhere to be seen. Instead, there was an expression of fierce determination. He quickly escaped Tony's hold and faced him from a standing position once again.

  Scott's feet began to move quickly as he fought for arm control. Tony kept shifting his view from Scott's arms to his legs. Scott moved a leg to expose it only to pull it back just as Tony was about to go for the takedown.

  Finally he allowed Tony to gain the inside control of his arm.

  "No!" Derek screamed. "Get inside control."

  Scott must have heard him, but he allowed Tony to keep inside control. He started forcing Tony to circle with him, 317

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  watchful of any offensive moves Tony might make. Faster than Derek could register, Scott shot his free arm to take the outside grip of Tony's free arm, bent his knees, and shoved his hips forward and up. Tony lifted off the ground and his feet began to swing upwards. With a sideways tug, Scott torqued Tony and used the motion of the throw to direct Tony's back to the mat, landing squarely on Tony's chest.

  Quickly hooking his legs and squeezing his arms, Scott had a secure hold.

  Derek jumped to his feet, actually losing contact with the ground for a moment. "Holy fuck! The suplex." His teammates, Coach, and a few parents turned to look at Derek with horror. He slapped his hands over his mouth. The only person who seemed amused was Scott. Derek swore he could see his crooked smile trying to force its way through his gritted teeth.

  Scott squeezed tighter on Tony's arms and, using his legs for leverage, arched his back as far as it would go. The ref counted to three and slammed the mat. Scott had won and was the champion for his weight class.

  Josh and Power both won, but Derek and Scott hadn't watched those matches. They were talking at each other simultaneously, speaking at least eighty words a minute reviewing how Scott had achieved the perfectly executed suplex.

  Once Power won his match, the ref who had announced the scoring procedures the day before returned to the center of the auditorium. "We will take a ten minute break to tally the scores and to allow the teams to convene before we 318

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  announce the winners of this year's division championship."

  No one needed to wait for the ref to know who had won.

  Everyone had already done the math. With four first place, two second place, and one fourth place wrestler, Brampton had earned twenty-three team points. Waltham had two first place, two second place, three third place, and one fourth place wrestlers which only earned them twenty-one team points. Brampton was the division championship team and both Derek and Scott were the champions of their weight class.

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  Chapter 20

  The next morning Derek woke up especially early. He got ready for school and bustled out to his car, driving to Scott's house.

  When Scott came out he ran to the car, hopped in, and kissed Derek for several seconds. "This is a surprise. I didn't ask you to pick me up."

  Derek grinned. "If you want I'll let you out and you can walk."

  "Not a chance." He took Derek's hand. "Drive." Derek made no move to start the car. Scott shot him a puzzled glance. "What's wrong?"

  Derek gave Scott a serious look. After a moment, he said,

  "I can't."

  Scott gazed at him with concern. "What do you mean?"

  Derek sighed. "Well," he paus
ed for dramatic effect. "You have my hand and I kind of need it to put the car in gear."

  Scott let go of Derek's hand and shoved him. "You shit!

  You scared me." As Derek put the car in gear he began to laugh.

  When they arrived at school, hundreds of students congregated outside the front doors and in the lobby. Banners had been raised overnight and it appeared that a streamer machine had vomited everywhere. The members of the wrestling team were huddled together in the center of the lobby. They couldn't take more than two steps before someone stopped and congratulated them or patted them on 320

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  the back. It took Derek and Scott about twenty minutes to walk up the stairs and down the hallway to their lockers.

  Finally, first bell rang and students began to dissipate from the halls. Derek and Scott headed to English and took their seats. When Beck entered the room and noticed the two of them sitting next to each other, she raised a single eyebrow, peering from one to the other. Satisfied her eyes weren't playing tricks on her, a wide grin spread across her face and she walked over to sit with them. "So, I am guessing this means..."

  "Yup," said Scott.

  "Good. I was about two days away from taking both of your nuts and..."

  Scott placed two fingers over Beck's lips, silencing her.

  "Just this once, I'm begging you, don't threaten my nuts." He flashed a grin at her, widening his eyes and pretending he had the power to hypnotize her into compliance.

  Beck glared at him, a thin smile ruining her effort to appear irritated. "M'k. Pine. Uh wnt." Scott and Derek both looked at Beck, not understanding what she had said. She dramatically lifted her hand, allowing her wrist to go limp and pointing her finger towards the ones Scott still had covering her lips. Scott removed his fingers. "I said, Ok. Fine. I won't.

  But only this once."

  They ate lunch together and Beck attempted to listen as Derek and Scott kept interrupting each other telling her what had happened on the second floor of Newton High. Although it was the world's most difficult story to follow, she somehow managed to keep quiet until they finished.