#1.5 Finding Autumn

by Heather Topham Wood

  It was an honest moment. I was letting Delia and Autumn’s words circle around my brain and seeing how right they were about my mistakes. It was unhealthy the way I’d been trying to make penance for sins that weren’t my own. I was letting my own hang-ups undermine that I had found permanency with an incredible and beautiful girl.

  Instead of fixing everyone else, I was going to have to make an effort to fix myself.

  Chapter Nineteen

  The last two months of my senior year of college went by in a blur. There were too many questions I would be forced to address once summer arrived and I wished for time to slow down. I had reached a fork, and the possibilities standing before me both thrilled me and filled me with unbridled fear. But more than anything, no matter what path I traveled down, I needed Autumn with me.

  I had been clinging to each second I had with her, afraid of the future. If I was drafted to the NFL, it could mean a lot of time apart and the thought freaked me the fuck out. What if she realized during our separation there were better options out there for her? Maybe she’d find someone without my baggage and who wouldn’t be traveling seven to eight months out of the year. The draft had yet to pass, and I was already wrecked with anxiety over these imaginary pricks trying to steal her away from me.

  But I swore absolutely nothing in the entire world would come between us again. The positives of going pro were far-reaching. We could carve out an amazing life together with the opportunities that would open up for me.

  Since Time was a thoughtless bastard, before I knew it, the final day of the NFL draft had arrived. I’d been passed over during the first three rounds and the teams were almost through their fourth round of picks. With each name called, my chances of playing pro ball were getting slimmer and slimmer.

  I had put a lot of thought into how to spend the day. I knew of other players who had huge parties to watch the draft. But I decided against it. I invited only two people over: Autumn and Delia.

  My mom was away at my aunt’s house for the weekend, which saved me from the awkwardness of not inviting her over. The only other person I would have considered was Darien. But after we had graduated two weeks earlier, Darien moved out of our apartment to live closer to his Manhattan employer. He had found a sweet-ass job as an advertising exec at a hotshot firm in the city.

  The draft had total power over where my life was headed. It would decide where I would live and what kind of lifestyle I could afford. If I weren’t drafted, I’d have to continue searching for a job where I could use my economics degree.

  “Relax, Blake. Grab a beer or something to calm yourself down,” Delia chastised. Reclining back on the loveseat in my living room, she stared at me with a mixture of pity and annoyance. I’d been pacing the room for the last half an hour and, apparently, it was getting on her nerves.

  Autumn took a less brusque approach. “Babe, why don’t you go lay down or take a shower? We can call you when it’s over.”

  If I weren’t so tense, I would’ve laughed. They had once again tag-teamed and they were babying me. In a way, it was good to see Autumn and Delia united about something. It had been two months since they had come together and told me I needed to stop taking on so much responsibility. Although they were cordial since then, when they were both in the same room, they usually ignored each other. Yet, for the day, there had been an unspoken agreement that they’d put on a united front for me.

  I sank back into the couch and told them both resolutely, “No. I’m going to watch it until the bitter end.” I turned up the volume on the television and focused back on the screen.

  Autumn was playing with a loose thread at the hem of her blue sundress. She was nervous, but trying to not show it. I understood how much she wanted me to succeed, but going to the NFL also meant I’d be going away from her. I was trying to make her see that, no matter where I was, my heart would always stay with her.

  “Autumn…” I began.

  She put a finger to my lips to quiet me. “Shhh… they’re starting up again.”

  I didn’t avert my gaze right away. I allowed myself to watch her chew on her lip as she listened to the mixture of former players and fans announce the draft picks.

  A handful of popcorn was tossed at the side of my head. “Will you pay attention?” Delia snapped. “This is the most important minute of your life and you’re staring off into space.”

  I gave her an exasperated look and tried to focus on the TV. Each team that went up and announced their pick without saying my name felt like a slap in the face. I hadn’t realized how badly I wanted to play professionally until the chance was close enough to taste.

  It was nearing the end of the fourth round with only two more teams left to name their picks: the Baltimore Warriors and the San Diego Blazers. Before the announcements were made, the ESPN coverage featured the picks already made and who was left in the pool of NFL potentials. Close to two hundred players had already been chosen, and the competition among us remaining players was fierce.

  A fan had been selected by Baltimore to announce their fourth-round pick. She was decked out in head-to-toe fan gear and had won the chance to be a part of the draft through a local radio contest. She looked pumped as they handed over the microphone.

  “Hi everyone! I’m so excited to be here!” she shouted while jumping up and down. There was a sprinkling of amused laughter from the crowd. She drew in a breath and then said in a breathless rush, “The Baltimore Warriors select Blake Preston, Cook University running back!”

  It was really happening. I was going to play for the NFL. I almost turned to Autumn to ask if my name had definitely been announced or if I had dreamed it. But then everything happened all at once. Autumn and Delia began to scream and cheer and my cell phone began to ring.

  I ignored the phone and leaped off the couch. I lifted Autumn up with me and twirled her around in a full circle. I set her down on the floor, and I was overjoyed by the way she beamed at me. She took my face in her hands and said, “You did it! You’re playing for the NFL!”

  She kissed me hard, and I tightened my hold on her. My lips collided with hers and I could feel the exuberance coming off of her in waves. I pulled away only when I sensed Delia at my side. Autumn slipped out of my arms and motioned Delia forward. Delia gave me a warm hug and a kiss on the cheek. “I’m proud of you, big brother!”

  My cell phone stopped ringing and then started up again immediately. I wanted to ignore it longer and celebrate with the two people I loved the most in the world. I knew there was a lot to be discussed—salaries, training camps, and relocation—but I wasn’t ready for reality yet. I had worked hard to get to this point, and I wanted to savor the moment. Because being in the NFL would be able to afford me the future I wanted for Autumn and me.

  ***

  The clock read close to two in the morning before I finally crawled into bed next to Autumn. My head was swimming with all that lay ahead of me. I had mandatory practices and a mini-camp next month followed by training camp in July. In the meantime, I’d have to find a place to live near the team’s Maryland stadium, which was three hours away from my apartment.

  Besides the logistics, I’d been on the phone with my agent talking salaries and contracts. After barely scrapping by, it was surreal to be discussing contracts worth millions of dollars. I had a four-year contract with a value of nearly three million dollars. I was also being given a half a million dollars as a signing bonus. It was overwhelming to think about that much money being offered for playing a game I loved.

  Autumn yawned and stretched as I slid into the bed next to her. She asked in a sleepy voice, “Are you off the phone finally? I’m going to have to get used to sharing you.”

  “You never have to share me,” I said definitively.

  Her smile was wistful. “You’re going to be away and there’s going to be women throwing themselves at you….”

  I looked at her closely. “Are you worried about that?”

  “I don’t want to be a jealo
us girlfriend,” she said. “But you’re going to be on the road for six months out of the year. And I’m sure there’ll be plenty of gorgeous women surrounding you and hoping to tempt you into their beds.”

  I kissed her forehead. “But there’s only one gorgeous woman I want. And I don’t have to be away from you.” I twirled a strand of her blonde hair in my fingers. “I want you to come with me.”

  She sucked in her lower lip, and I could see the astonishment in her soft brown eyes. I didn’t want to go to Maryland alone. I wanted us to be together and build a life. I had an insane amount of money, and I could give her anything she could ever want.

  “I can’t,” she said sadly. My heart shriveled at her words. From the second my name was announced during the draft, I had pictured what it would mean for us. I figured we could have a fresh start in Maryland. There were too many bad memories for us in Pennsylvania.

  “Why? Don’t you want a change of scenery? I know I do. I want to play football and not be reminded of who taught me to play,” I said.

  Anger sneaked its way into her expression. “This is your accomplishment, Blake—not his.”

  I loved her conviction. It gave me the reassurance that I could love football again. It didn’t matter that Thomas was the one to introduce me to the sport. Football and my stepfather did not have to be connected in my mind. My head was clearer than it had been in years. I figured it must’ve meant I was making progress in freeing myself from the chokehold guilt had on me.

  “The one thing I’m sorry for is giving him that power over my life,” she said with certainty. “Even when he was behind bars, he dictated every decision I made. You’re talented at football because that’s who you are, not because he made you that way.”

  I felt moved by her words. She was always telling me how great I was and she made me want to be that way. I never wanted to change who I was for a girl before. But Autumn blew away every girl in my past. Her opinion was the only one that truly mattered to me.

  “Why won’t you go with me?” I heard the plea in my voice. “I have to travel for a lot of the games, but I’ll find us a place close to the stadium, and I’ll get to see you more when I have home games.”

  She didn’t look excited by the plan, and her indifference hurt me deeper than I let on. I tried to keep my expression unmoved because I didn’t want to coerce her into going with me. I wanted her to come because it was something she desired to do. She owned me—and her refusal to come with me made me question if the intense feelings I had were one-sided. I had experienced the crushing loneliness of being without her, and I didn’t want a repeat of it.

  “Blake, I love you, and you have no idea how badly I want to go with you,” she whispered. Tears pooled in her eyes, and she didn’t wipe them away as they started to tumble down her cheeks. “Every cell in my body is screaming to say yes and just pack up and go. But I can’t.”

  “Why not?” I sounded insolent and I usually handled her more gently. But getting to play for the NFL was an adventure I wanted us to share together. My chest tightened as I waited for her to reply.

  “Because my mom may be a pain in the ass, but she usually has good advice.” Before I could answer, she added, “She was the one to tell me to give you another chance.”

  “And what did your mom say?”

  “She said I needed to stop living through everyone else’s accomplishments. I am so excited for you, and proud of you, and I want you to feel the same way about me. And to do this, I need to stay here and finish my degree.”

  “I know that’s important to you, and I’d never ask you to drop out of school,” I said and laced our fingers together. “I just thought maybe you could look at colleges in Maryland. I haven’t researched it yet, but I’m sure you can find some good schools with social work majors.”

  “But I’ve already have a lot of credits toward my major requirements, and I love the professors in the department. My friends and parents are also here.” She kissed me, and I tasted the salt of her tears on her lips. It felt like she was saying goodbye to me—and I hated it.

  Autumn may not have known it, but she had me by the balls. All she had to do was say the word and I’d say no to it all. For her, I’d say no to the money and the contract. I’d say no to the one thing I worked for my entire life.

  “I love you. I love you so much that I’d follow you anywhere. And I will follow you,” she said, “just not right now.”

  I believed her. She was committed to what we had in the same way I was, and a few hours’ drive wouldn’t shake that devotion. Selfishly, I wanted her all to myself, and it made me want to beg her to reconsider. But our separation was another trust fall, and I had faith we’d catch each other.

  I cupped her chin in my hands. “I love you, too. I may be physically away, but my heart will be staying here with you.”

  We sealed our promises with fervent kisses. I could sense the longing in our touches, and I tried to make love to her leisurely—aiming to prolong the pleasure. I missed her already and she was still in my arms. I couldn’t fathom what it’d feel like to be hundreds of miles away from her. But I was determined to make it work—because nothing mattered to me if I didn’t have her.

  Chapter Twenty

  Time sped up once again. At lightning speed the day arrived when I had to leave Fairfort, and, most importantly, Autumn, to start the July practice sessions with the Baltimore Warriors. The essentials from my apartment had been packed up and loaded into my new Range Rover. The SUV was one of two big splurges I had made since signing with the Warriors. I’d almost been sad to say goodbye to my old beater car.

  I had rented a studio apartment about ten minutes away from my new team’s stadium. The rental was sleek and modern, but it didn’t exactly feel like home. I was keeping my apartment in Fairfort—not only to return home during the off-season, but also because I wanted Autumn to have a place to stay. She planned to live with her roommates, Lexi and Casey, on Cook’s campus for her junior year, but she could crash at the apartment anytime she liked. Delia had the same offer, but she was choosing to stay in the freshman dorms when she arrived at Cook in the fall. She didn’t want the isolation of living off-campus during her first year of college. She craved the social aspect since she felt our mom had been overbearing for too long.

  Autumn had gone all-out for our farewell dinner. She had shopped at an Italian market in town and picked up enough food to feed a football team. The spread included bread, cheeses, wine, cold pasta salads, and fried chicken. When I had suggested we eat outside, she loaded the food up in a picnic basket and grabbed a blanket out of the hall closet.

  I picked a private spot in a park about ten minutes away from the apartment. We had ventured through the woods to get to a clearing set against the park’s small lake. It hadn’t been a long hike, but a good distance from the bike and running trails. The park encompassed over a thousand acres, so I didn’t expect us to have any interruptions. I needed the time alone with her—especially since it could be weeks until I’d be able to see her again.

  After setting out all the food on the blanket, I saw how hard she tried to remain upbeat. Her tell was the way she kept downing the wine she had snuck into the park. She was more of a sipper when it came to alcohol, and surprisingly she had guzzled half the bottle before we finished our first course.

  I raised an eyebrow. “Is the wine good?”

  Her lips tilted into the faintest of smiles. “Delicious. Do you want some?” She licked her wine-stained lips, and I felt myself getting aroused. Maybe taking her to a public spot was a bad idea.

  “No, I’m good. I’m getting intoxicated just by looking at you.”

  She laughed. “I love that you still use pick-up lines on me even after we’ve been together for so long.” She poured a soda in a wine glass and handed it to me. She lifted her glass in the air and gestured for me to do the same. “Let’s toast to your upcoming season. May you stay injury free while scoring gazillions of touchdowns for Baltimore.”
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  It was my turn to laugh as we clinked our glasses together. “Is gazillions an official number?”

  “Yes, of course,” she laughed.

  She put the wine glass down and began to rummage through the picnic basket. I took the time to watch her undetected. She looked gorgeous. She had worn a pale pink tank that was tight against her breasts and a white skirt with a hem cut dangerously short. Each time she moved on the blanket, I was given a better view of her long and shapely legs.

  The day was warm, but I suddenly felt like the heat was oppressive. My nerves were starting to get the best of me, and I could feel sweat building under my arms. I tried taking a few deep breaths to ease my anxiety, but it didn’t work. I had no other choice to face my fears and risk losing Autumn for good.

  I stilled her hand by placing mine over hers as she began to pile food on top of the paper plates. She gave me a questioning look.

  “Can we talk for a minute?” I asked.

  She stared at me with confusion. “Is everything okay?”

  “Of course it’s okay,” I assured her. She was getting jumpy, and I didn’t want her to think I was about to pull the rug out from under her. Maybe in a way I was. I ran my fingers through my hair and took a steadying breath. “You make me happy, Autumn. Before I met you, I didn’t realize how truly miserable I was. But knowing now what it’s like to be in love, I can see what a sad excuse of a life I had.”

  I reached into my pocket and pulled out a small box. “I was serious before. My heart will stay with you while I’m away. Wherever I am in the world, I’ll be with you because you’ll be the only thing on my mind. I’m committed to you and that commitment outweighs anything else.”

  I opened up the box and tried to gauge her reaction. I could see surprise in her expression, but at least I thought I saw happiness there as well. My proposal was on the tip of my tongue, but before I could get it out, she blurted, “Yes!”

  I grinned broadly and laughed. “I didn’t ask you anything yet.”