Diary Of A Kudzu Salesman: Survival And Recovery After The Electrical Grid Collapse (Prepper Reconstruction Book 2)

by Ron Foster

  ‘How are things back at the Lake? No problems I hope?” “David asked concerned that something other than curiosity brought the Goat Man to town.

  “Hoyt came through the day before yesterday from up the river on that little skiff of his and said you three stooges were having yourselves a high old time down here. So naturally I came to find out what I was missing out on.” Goat Man said in his tongue in cheek sarcastic way.

  “You ain`t missing much except maybe Purvis’s place honor on the alligator bait rope “LowBuck said in response to the jibe.

  ‘Hell, if I knew you all had your noses out of joint I would have stayed where I was at.” Goat said nonplussed.

  “David did you and this bunch of heathens drink everything up already or can a POOR wanderer get a drink?” Goat man said sitting down in the chair David had motioned him to have a seat a little away from the bar.

  “By you stressing that word out “poor” I think that means I am buying, Barmaid give this miserable goat roper a drink please. Friend what are you having today as a toddy for the body?” David asked.

  “Normally I would say whatever you all are having, but I learned my lesson from that. You haven’t started trying to make that Chinese liquor with a poisonous snake embalmed in yet have you?”” Goat said referring to the odd customs of Asia and wondering if the Hop Sings had made him go native yet or LowBuck and Boudreaux had teemed up on some weird new liquor recipe.

  “Well that shit has bite, but not as bad as that river water blend of Boudreaux’s. You remember we banned that a few years ago when LowBuck found some frogs feet in it.” David said to Boudreaux’s protests that we as a group didn’t know what good swamp water shine was all about.

  The only difference being… between it and Stump Knocker was the amount of critters Boudreaux had sworn he could ferment some how. David was never sure if this was true or not. He had once read on the bottle of A-1 sauce that anchovies paste was in it and his remembrances of that fermented fish sauce crap yjr Vietnamese put on everything called Mok sauce you could smell a mile away like they did our cigarettes or Aqua Velva back in the war days.

  “Well water whatever it is down a bit please, David I hear you are now some kind of high mukity muck with this new government we got. Something to do with FEMA I heard, is that true?” “Goat said looking at his glass of high test alcohol and lime juice that was to be the poison of choice for the bar patrons today.

  “Yea that’s true Goat, seems my old boss remembered me and I got a field commission rather than administrative acknowledgement. What do you got in mind today, something fun I hope?” David said watching Purvis’s ears perk up and looking at him disapprovingly.

  “I want the Fire Inspectors job.” Goat said lowering his voice and half smiling.

  “Humm, not the Fire Chief?” David said remembering the man had held that position for over 20 yrs in various departments before the storm.

  “Nope and that damn LowBuck can’t be on my staff anymore either, even though he did similar duty and a good job on the lake.” Goat Man said adamantly.

  “Why do you want THAT particular job?” David said avoiding the allusion to his buddy LowBuck being possibly hard for Goat to work with at times.

  “Because it sounds like you have gone all crazy political boy and you need me. Now hear me out, I am getting a bit old to be charging off to put out a fire and damn sure not on some horse drawn contraption fire engine you dream up. Thing is, I know taxes, fires and municipal zoning. If you need something condemned in this little power struggle you got going on. Then I can do that, but better yet I can actually make you a fire department you would be proud of. What do you say?” Goat said beaming a smile.”

  “Well I would say welcome CAPTAIN! “ Dang best idea I have heard all day. Go whisper your intentions to LowBuck while I go head off the Fema manger for this district.” David said as he looked out the open front door of the bar and noticed Blake actually using the crosswalk to come to the bar.

  “Hey Blake! Saw you coming!” David said as he went to the street corner to greet his former boss.

  “Hey Dupree, what brings you out of the bar and into the light of day?” Blake said suspiciously.

  “Some things just ain`t meant for big eared people to overhear Blake. Thanks for noticing I am a bit upset today, saves us a lot of conversation. Get out of the road and have yourself a seat on this bus bench and take a moment to talk to me for a bit if you would.” David said dryly

  ‘”Did I do something to offend you David? Why can’t we just talk in the bar like we always do?’ Blake asked because he was a bit fearful David looked like he wanted to roll around in the street with him despite his put on calmness.

  ‘One word, one word only for you Blake….Purvis..” David said unconsciously closing one fist a bit and drawing out the name of his nemesis.

  “Oh crap! Word sure travels fast these days in spite of no electricity huh? Well before you decide to plow up the back forty acres with my ass let me explain to you a bit?” Blake said curling his own mitt up in response to David’s uppity confrontation.

  “All ears my friend, all ears. That old man is bad news and I don’t much appreciate hearing about any behind closed doors conversations going on about my community if you know what I mean.” David said with his eyes still sparkling a reddish tone that seemed almost wolfish in aspect to Blake.

  “Look Man, that DHS guy asked who you were and I told him you worked for me. According to him, that Purvis character of yours said he knew you and that you were some kind of subversive prepper because Sgt. Moody asked specifically if anyone referred to themselves by that tag. I told him I knew you had food stores before the solar storm but other than that you were a good Joe and went to meet that fool of a backwoods NARC to see what was being said. What’s wrong with that boy anyway? Smells like a goat that pisses on its beard because its mating season.” Blake said

  “A what? Oh yea I know what your talking about, male goats piss on their beards to attract females in mating season. Nothing worse than rancid goat piss, damn you! Ha! Do think Purvis does the same?” David guffawed

  Damn, don’t know if he does or not but he damn sure smells like does. Anyway listen up, Moody ain`t but 25 years old even though he wields all that power and he don’t have no street smarts. As far as I know he never has set one foot off a military base and neither has he lived any where near the civilian sector since a doctor smacked him on the ass to start him breathing. He is a difficult one for sure to deal with, but he is also one that can cause us a bunch of trouble if he gets a mind too David.” Blake said to clarify matters and warn David.

  “He can end up in the drink the same as Purvis if need be, but what is it he thinks that I have done that’s so terrible he has an interest in me and mine?’ David said relaxing now that he knew his old boss was still on his side.

  “It is because you have such an interest in the election and he is getting brownie points from his superiors for getting that preacher to follow different government directives and keep his flock from squawking too much about rationing and restrictions.” Blake said laying all the cards on the table.

  “I see said the blind man.”: David said using one of his ever present Southern euphuisms.

  “Well Blake as long as I don’t have to tell you where a dead dog lies, we are going to have some fun with that boy. I will get him on the right path eventually.” David said stroking his old hippie hairstyle.

  “Damn boy talk English.” Blake said tiring of David’s country repertoire.

  “Hell I can only talk the way I was blessed with. What I meant was a threat or a practical joke reminder might be just what that boy needs to remember his manners.” David said musing while Blake still had not quite caught on where David was going with the conversation.

  “Come on my friend, lets go get us a drink and I know you don’t chew tobacco but just remember Purvis is on the spitting end of the bar.’ David said grinning.

  “I told you speak Eng
lish and not your weird southern shit.” The Yankee Blake responded.

  “Ignore Purvis or smack him on back of the head, bar don’t care is all I meant. Just stay clear of folks with nasty habits or you will get classified with them.” David admonished.

  Tapping Some Toes

  “Boudreaux now you promised me man! Let that boy go!” David said as he walked into the watering hole and saw Purvis appearing to be struggling with the old Cajun.

  “I ain`t doing nothing to this old rascal. It ain`t what it seems or looks to be David. Purvis here was supposed to get them fish off that trotline we brought in and clean them fish for a few extra silver dimes. But this little dumb ass got them lines tangled in the ice chest hinge.” Ain`t that right scrotum head?” Boudreaux said rubbing his knuckles on a squalling Purvis’s noggin.

  “Purvis you ok?” David said trying to sound firm but chuckling anyway at the mans misfortunes.

  “I did get manage to myself caught up in the lines when one of those flathead catfish did a tail flip, but I sure would appreciate if Boudreaux could be just a bit less helpful untangling me.” Purvis said escaping from the Cajuns big mitts.

  Damn, don’t know how you can get that close to him.” LowBuck said further instigating the matter by needling them both.

  “See, told ya, them boys ain`t right and want any excuse to pick on me...” Purvis began before he saw Blake standing in back of David looking amused at his plight.

  “Blake you a Government man and I work for the government! You know that! You tell them DHS.” Purvis began before he had a “oh shit moment” of ever repeating he had anything to do with that particular department.

  “Far as I am concerned they can hang you in the sun with them fish to dry or we can toss you out to produce more fish guts while you clean them.” Blake said settling down in his chair to drink the instantly proffered drink from Flo.

  “Damn Blake. I don’t get good service like that, you and her getting sweet on each other?” David said jokingly as he went to help Purvis out of the tangled mess of hooks, lines and catfish that won’t die even a day away from water.

  “Careful David, them dang fish got spurs on them.” Purvis complained as David was trying to carefully extricate him from the tangle.

  “Blame Lowbuck for this shit. He saw a commercial fisherman’s automatic fish de-hooker in an old Mechanics illustrated and gave it a try. Didn’t work out so good did it? You can have the hooks and line for a tip if you want Purvis.” David said as LowBuck tried to defend his technological failure.

  “Well you seem to be keeping Purvis busy at the moment, I take it you had a talk with him?” Blake said sipping his drink and watching a greatly relived Purvis toting the entire igloo chest outside for further processing.

  “Yea, I think he will behave and watch who he talks to for a little while anyway. Now then, I find it kind of worrisome that we almost had a informer in our midst, what’s up with that?” David said as he motioned Boudreaux and LowBuck over to the table.

  “What in the Sam Hill kind of music are you all listening to anyway?” Blake said craning his neck to watch Flo cranking the old grammy back up and throwing another one of those green platters on it.

  “We really don’t know. Well we half ass know if you count Boudreaux’s faulty memories of the singer or the songs. We are just sort of listening and tapping our feet to it if we like it.” The bartender declared.

  “Hey, I found a bunch of 8 track tapes the other day! I wonder if David could rig a player for it to a car battery.” Blake asked.

  “Hell with that! If I can do one then I will do it with a CD player, meantime I kinda like listening to these crank powered oldies.” David said as he attempted to dance to it and give the barmaid a twirl on the dance floor.

  “Ok, I have been here way too long and drank way too much.” David said sitting down after failing to execute the proper dance move without a stagger.

  There Has Got To Be A Morning After

  “Damn that Goat Man, he took entirely too much fun in watching my motley crews get cross eyed last night. He was supposed to be here to pick me up a half hour ago to see about his appointment as fire inspector. He was the one who complained the whole night I wouldn’t be up and ready for this meeting. Well I am here and you are not you old goat so what’s up and where are you at?” David grumbled as he sat at the former bus stop he had agreed to meet his friend at in the wee morning hours.

  “Shit! We had things to go over before the meeting, protocols and wisdom that David was concerned with but ended up just having too much fun to talk about last night so had reserved time to talk about today. That old Victrolia record players tinny sound still rang in his ears that they had all listened to last night like it was the last music on earth

  .

  Perhaps in some ways it was. He didn’t have an extra working 12V battery to make the CD player work he boasted he could do last night and if today was anything like yesterday not much was going to get done.

  I bet Misty Prepper and Mountain Man had one of those old record player things on their hilltop in Tennessee somewhere. Although they didn’t need the charge of alcohol his group consumed last night that spurred the impromptu party to tap their feet and get the dancing going. I bet somewhere they were having as much fun as he and his friends had had.

  They were good fine folks that were much more attune to the land and daily living than any generation of wanna be preppers could ever aspire to. But we must take into account how many people followed their path and teachings of self reliance on YouTube videos and blogs before the chaos ensued after the storm. I wish we all had the money or spirit to seek out others with ham radios to stay in touch with one another before the crap hit the fan.” David mused

  “I sure wish I could call up Misty Prepper and Mountain Man to say “Hi, how you doing? Or how do I fix this or raise this or that?” They are the lucky ones, the not prideful, the unpretentious. The messages and how to videos they produced taught the preparedness community the true skills we needed to survive this apocalypse of man. Ever nurturing, they felt the same calling to teach and prepare others by opening a window to their lifestyle and world. Some so called preppers would consider these folks as meek and mild and a target for scavenging city folks, me personally I don’t care to go against men and women that gut and kill 400 pound hogs with nothing but a butcher knife as a everyday part of the seasons of life. Don’t ever take kindness for weakness.

  People of the world that recognize each other and form up to just have fun and share what is decent in this world are to be admired. The prepper community was formed by those of us that realize we are not the only ones preparing and needing help, we seek each other out in the cosmos for whatever reason, but we somehow all manage to gather.

  “There’s that damn goat” David thought as he heard the rattle of his old motorcycle and sidecar coming down the road.

  “Where the hell you been man? I didn’t even get my coffee this morning thinking you would be arriving early for our meeting.” David said miffed at his friend’s tardiness.

  “I would have been on time but that damn LowBuck wanted a ride home and passed out in the sidecar and I couldn’t get that big lummox out of it.

  “So I guess you some how got him to climb out or got Cat to come fetch him.” David said amused.

  “Well I didn’t know where Cat was and he wasn’t making much sense on the way home so I just parked at your house and slept on the porch. Last I seen of him, Boudreaux’s dog was trying to wake him up on your front lawn after the three of us got him out of the sidecar. Hey look at the passenger side by the way, I think he might of busted my shocks bouncing around.” Goat said half serious.

  “Hey Boudreaux didn’t do that mustard thing with the dog did he?” David asked unprepared for the answer

  “What mustard thing?” Said a puzzled Goat Man.

  “Well one day that dog sat on one of them crinkly white hot dog bun paper plate looking things you get at a socia
l event and it had hot mustard on it. That was when the fun started and Katie bar the door pandemonium set in! The dog licked his butt to get that mustard stain off it and then commenced to drag his burning butt around the yard, gave a yelp and nipped Lowbuck on his butt for dropping the hotdog holder in the first place.