I Never Planned on You

by Stefanie Jenkins

  ME: At the apartment. I got something in the mail today and I couldn’t wait to tell you!

  EMMETT: Shit, Dani! You should’ve called when you were on your way and I would’ve blown this off. And is it what I think it is?

  EMMETT: P.S. You’re gonna make me hard thinking about you naked rather than English Lit.

  ME: You’re crazy! You need to study for finals and YES….

  I send him a photo of the letter.

  EMMETT: Fuck yeah, baby, I’m so proud of you! Holy shit, we need to celebrate. This is amazing.

  EMMETT: I will be here about another hour or so and come pick you up, then we will go out and celebrate. Zach is out at some party tonight and I’m sure he will find someone to go home with, so we can come home and have naked celebrations all over the apartment without him bothering us!

  ME: Okay, take your time. I’m going to shower the drive off and get ready.

  EMMETT: Fuck me…how the hell am I supposed to concentrate knowing you’re naked in my shower?! Yep, def rockin’ a boner in the library. Thanks, sweetheart.

  ME: You’re welcome! Anytime (Kissy face)

  ME: Now hurry your sexy ass up studying so you can head home to me and we can be naked together.

  EMMETT: I love it when you’re bossy!

  ME: Be careful driving home.

  EMMETT: Always am. I love you, Cupcake. See you soon.

  ME: Love you too XOXO

  I fight back and forth on whether to wait for Emmett to take a shower, but after a full day at school and the drive here, I decide it’s better for both of us if I shower now. We can always take another shower later.

  I head to the bathroom and shower quickly. Once done, I hurry back to the bedroom and grab a pair of leggings from the drawer and an over-sized sweater tunic from the closet. I’m not sure what we will do to celebrate when he gets back, so I go with cute and comfortable. Worst case, I need to change if he wants to do something fancier.

  Reaching over to the book on the nightstand that I had been reading the last time I was here, I scoot back up against the headboard and lean back, opening the book to where I left off. Before I know it, my eyes feel heavy. I look over at my phone and see Em still isn’t due home for at least twenty more minutes. A quick power nap can’t hurt. If his texts are any indication as to what’s to come this evening, then a nap is definitely in my favor. Emmett can always wake me up when he gets home. I love when he wakes me up kissing me in all places, not just on my mouth.

  I fall asleep in his bed peacefully and happy, unaware that our lives would be forever changed in just a few short hours.

  I am jolted awake when I hear the front door to the apartment crash open and slam shut followed by Zach yelling my name. “Dani? Danielle! Are you here? Fuck! Please, God, Dani, be here!”

  Zach barges through the bedroom door and it slams against the wall as it swings open. “Oh thank fuck, Dani, you’re here,” he exclaims while pulling me into his arms. He’s sweaty as fuck, as if he’s run here. Did he run here? I thought Emmett said he was out at a party tonight.

  “What’s wrong? What time is it? Why the hell are you so sweaty?”

  Zach tries to catch his breath. “I ran here, like literally left my Jeep and ran here to find you.”

  “You ran? And why were you looking for me? How did you know I was here? Did Em tell you I was here?”

  Wait, where is he? I look around for Emmett, for any sign of him. He should’ve been back from the library by now. Maybe he’s in the kitchen.

  “Em?” I call out but get no response. When I look back to Zach, the color has left his face. “Zach, where’s Emmett?”

  I start to feel a tightness in my chest. Zach opens his mouth to say something but closes it quickly. I go to reach for my phone and see I have fifty-three missed calls. What the hell is going on? Fifty-three missed calls—a mix of calls from my parents, Zach, and Haylee, but only one from Em and that was two hours ago.

  Where the hell is he? I begin to panic. What the fuck.

  “Zach, what the fuck is going on? Where’s Emmett?” Before he can respond, my phone rings again. I sigh in relief, thinking that it’s Em, but it’s not. It’s Mom.

  I answer it, but I don’t even get to say hello before my mom speaks. “Danielle? Are you there? Baby girl, are you there?” She sounds upset and clearly has been crying.

  “Mom, I’m here, I’m at the apartment. What’s going on?”

  “Oh, thank goodness. We couldn’t get ahold of you and knew you had gone to see Emmett and feared…” Mom doesn’t finish her statement, but I can hear a commotion in the background of the call—a bunch of crying and wailing. Is that Ms. Natalie crying? And is that my dad yelling, “We will be there soon—I don’t give a shit if a cop wants to pull me over, I’m not stopping”?

  “Mommy, you’re all scaring me. Zach just flew in here like a bat out of hell and won’t tell me what’s going on. I have a ton of missed calls from you all, and Emmett isn’t back from the library.”

  My voice begins to catch in my throat. I can feel my hands begin to shake. I get a feeling that whatever it is they have to say I’m not going to like and my world is about to fall apart. Zach scoots closer to me on the bed as if to comfort me, but I quickly jump up to my feet.

  “Will someone tell me what the fuck is going on?” I scream into the phone. My whole body is visibly shaking.

  Mom continues to cry. “Sweetheart, I need you to sit down and be calm, okay?”

  Tears have begun to fall down my cheeks. “No! Tell me what the fuck is going on? Why are you acting so strange, why do I hear crying in the background?”

  My legs feel weak as I hear her say, “Honey, we are headed to Philly now.” She pauses to catch her breath. “Emmett…Emmett was in an accident.”

  “He’s okay though, right? Why are you headed here since he’s okay? He’s gotta be. We’re celebrating my early acceptance tonight.” The world starts to go black around me.

  “Danielle, I need you to listen to me.” I shake my head as if she can see me right now. “I need you and Zach to meet us at the hospital, okay? We’re about forty-five minutes away. I’m pretty sure your father has broken every driving law tonight.”

  I hear Dad say in the background, “I don’t give a shit!”

  I realize I haven’t said anything. I am focusing on Em’s sweatshirt that’s currently draped over the desk chair.

  “Dani? Are you still there? Dani?”

  Somehow, I find the strength and voice to say, “Yes.”

  Mom responds by saying, “Is your brother still there? Please put him on for me, sweetheart?”

  I reach for my brother to hand him the phone, and he talks to Mom softly. Or maybe it’s regular-voice volume, but I have begun to tune it all out. I am trying to process what she said. Let’s see if I got it all… Emmett was in an accident. They are all headed here to the hospital. Zach and I need to meet them there. Emmett was in an accident.

  Em. Was. In. An. Accident.

  I happen to look up at my brother the same time I see him close his eyes as he processes what Mom is saying to him. I feel the air leave my chest, and my legs give out beneath me. The next thing I know, I am on the floor shaking and screaming and feel my brother’s arms wrap around me. “Dani, we don’t know anything, okay? We should head there. Can you walk?”

  I don’t even acknowledge him. I continue to stare at nothing. He cups my face, forcefully pulling my attention to him, but I stare through him. “Dani, I need you to get up so that we can go, okay? I’m sure he’s fine and we’ll walk into the room and he’ll be wondering what the big fuss was all about.”

  I manage a nod but make no attempt to move. Suddenly, I feel myself lifting off the ground. Zach is now carrying me. I reach out and grab the hoodie that was on the chair and pull it close to my chest, inhaling Emmett’s scent—he must have worn it recently—as Zach carries me out of the apartment and to my car. A sense of calmness quickly overcomes me as if he were here holding my h
and.

  Zach opens the passenger door and sets me down in the seat before kneeling down to look me in the eye. “D, Em is a fighter. You can’t think like that. We don’t know anything. Don’t let your thoughts go there.”

  He rises to his feet and shuts the door before walking around to the driver’s-side door. I close my eyes and begin to pray that it isn’t what I’m thinking.

  Why is my brain even going there?

  Why hasn’t he called if he’s just fine?

  Why are our parents and the Hanks family rushing to get here if it’s minor?

  I beg my brain to stop thinking, but I can’t. I am so lost in my thoughts that I don’t even realize we have arrived at the hospital already.

  Zach grabs my hand, and I turn to face him; his eyes are red and rimmed with tears as are mine. My heart races even more after seeing the emotion on my brother’s face. He squeezes my hand three times to signal “I love you.” Ever since we were kids, when we needed to channel each other’s strength, we always did that. I nod and open the door. I freeze and take a deep breath, trying to compose myself. Zach exits the car first, walking around to my side. He helps me out of the car and puts his arm around my shoulders keeping me close to him as we walk toward the entrance.

  T hrowing the hospital room door open in a frenzy, I can finally breathe when I look up to find Emmett sitting up in the hospital bed, a few cuts on his face and his left arm in a cast. I release the breath I’ve been holding since Zach came running into the apartment when his eyes meet mine.

  “Hey, Cupcake,” he says with a smile.

  I run over to the hospital bed and fling my arms around him in a force that knocks him back, and he lets out a gasp and winces a bit. “Ow, careful, baby. I’m fine, just a little sore.”

  I pull back and look into those baby blues of his before I slam my mouth on his and kiss the hell out of him. After a few moments, the heart rate monitor starts getting louder, and Emmett pulls back breathless. “Wow, what a hello.” His smile takes over his face, and it instantly brings me peace of mind. He’s okay is all I keep telling myself.

  I can feel the tears spilling from my eyes. Emmett places his palm on my cheek, and I lean into his touch while he uses his thumb to catch the falling tears. “I…I’m sorry. I…I…was so…so…scared. You said you would be home soon, and then I fell asleep and…and woke up when Zach came racing into the apartment screaming my name like a madman. Then Mom called and said you were in an accident, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Baby, it was awful. Zach had to carry me to the car. All I could think was what if…”

  Emmett cuts off my words by pulling me by the back of my neck into another kiss. He begins stroking my hair as we come up for air. The softness in his eyes tells me all I need to know: I need to calm down and stop thinking what if.

  “I’m sorry you were so worried, baby. I’m fine. I’m okay, just some bumps, bruises, and a broken wrist. Can’t say the same for the Jeepster though.” He shrugs with a smirk. “Guess we’ll just need to start shopping for our family vehicle.” He follows this with a wink. Emmett has been saying that as soon as we get married, we will start popping out kids. He jokes that he wants three kids, two boys and a girl. I always joke back saying, “Well, you better let your balls know that because I’m pretty sure it’s your body that decides that.”

  “You’re really okay?” I ask as he leans back in the bed, pulling me with him. I wrap my arms around his body, being careful not to squeeze too hard knowing he’s sore everywhere. I lay my head on his chest and listen to his heart beating. My head rises up and down in time with his breathing.

  He kisses the top of my head. “I’m sorry I ruined our big celebratory night. I am so proud of you, baby girl. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

  “Shhh! I don’t care about that. We have the rest of our lives to celebrate. I’m just so happy you’re okay. I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t. I love you, baby.”

  “I love you too, Cupcake. Forever and always,” he says so softly that I almost don’t hear him.

  “Dani? Dani?”

  Emmett’s voice sounds so far away at this point. Where did he go? Why does his voice sound so far away when he’s right here with me?

  “Dani! Dani!”

  I’m jolted awake for the second time tonight. I didn’t even realize that I had closed my eyes when I open them and see my parents rushing toward me and Zach in the waiting room. My mother throws her arms around me, and I collapse into them.

  “Natalie and Brian are at the desk trying to get information. We should head that way, and hopefully they have something on what’s going on.”

  In between my tears, I respond, “They wouldn’t tell us anything, not where he is, not how he’s doing—nothing.”

  Mom tries to calm me down by stroking the back of my head. “Shh, it’ll be okay, sweetheart. Just have faith,” Mom reassures me in that soothing tone. I shake my head, and she gives me a weak smile. My dad places his hand on my mom’s shoulder, and I watch her lip quiver slightly before she straightens up. It’s as if she needed my father’s reassurance and strength to get her through this. That is what Em is to me—my strength.

  We walk the few feet over to join Natalie, Brian, and Haylee, who are standing at the desk talking to the nurse who wouldn’t give us any information earlier. Haylee wraps her arms around me and squeezes for dear life.

  “My brother is going to be okay. He’s going to be okay.”

  I don’t know if Haylee keeps repeating that for me or herself. I’m not sure how she is in one piece at the moment; if the roles were reversed and this was Zach I had no information on, I would be crawling over the counter demanding information. In fact, that sounds like a pretty good idea. I look over at the desk, and as I go to make a scene, the nurse says, “Ah. Emmett Hanks, here we are.”

  The nurse stands and walks around the front desk to escort us through a set of wooden doors and into a small private room. She lets us know the doctor will be in in just a moment. I am sick of waiting. My dad suggests I sit down because my pacing back and forth might wear a hole into the carpet. I don’t really care. It seems like we’ve been here for hours. Looking around, I see the walls in this room are white and there is no decoration. Why do I feel like we’re about to be sentenced, potentially for a lifetime of pain?

  “Why can’t we just go see him,” Haylee shouts.

  Her father places his hand over hers in an attempt to calm her down, but it doesn’t do much. They’ve been in the car for two hours or, well, under, thanks to my dad’s lack of respect for the speed limit. We know nothing—why can’t they just tell us what room he’s in so I can run and throw my arms around him?

  I continue to pace, and I quickly feel a pull on my hand and instantly drop into the chair. I look up to see my brother holding my hand with a sad smile on his face. I guess my pacing was making him anxious. Zach and I stare at each other in an attempt to draw strength to get through whatever is about to happen. I can tell he is as anxious as I am as to why it’s taking them so long to talk to us. I won’t cry, I won’t cry.

  I break our staring contest to pull my legs up to my chest. I’m wearing the hoodie that I had taken from the back of Em’s desk chair while racing out of the apartment to get here…only just to wait and wait and wait some more. I place my head on my knees and take a deep breath of his scent. He’s worn the same cologne since he was younger, a scent that makes me feel safe and at home. It’s a comforting scent that I can’t wait to inhale while actually lying with him, trapped in his arms.

  From the corner of my eye, I see a figure enter in a white doctor’s coat. Oh look, something else white in this room. Jesus, they need some color here; it’s so depressing. I quickly rise to my feet, and there’s some feeling deep down that instinctually tells me to take my brother’s hand and not let go. I can’t figure out what that feeling is, but at this moment in time, I refuse to not listen to it. Haylee walks over and takes my other hand. I guess she had the same f
eeling.

  Surrounded by my best friend and my brother, I’m ready for them to tell me we can go see him now, that it was all a misunderstanding and that Em is just fine, like he was in my dream. I’m ready for him to heal so we can begin planning the changes to the apartment for once I move in there in the fall.

  “Mr. and Mrs. Hanks,” the doctor says. “I’m Dr. Foster. I was the doctor that was on call when your son, Emmett, was brought in. As the nurse had informed you, Emmett was in an automobile accident earlier this evening…”

  All of a sudden all of the air is ripped from my lungs and I am gasping for air. My vision blurs and I want to wake up from this nightmare.

  “…We did everything we could…”

  No, no, no, no, this isn’t happening. They clearly didn’t do all they could or they would still be working on him. My ears are filled with devastating wails. I begin to shake, and my brother’s arms are around me, keeping me upright as I rock back and forth.

  “No!” I hear Ms. Natalie scream through her tears as Mr. Brian tries to console her. My parents currently have Haylee in an embrace while her body shakes uncontrollably. This can’t be real—this can’t be happening. I turn and grip Zach’s shirt and place my head into his chest. I hit his chest with my fists, not in anger at him but anger at the world. He allows me to release my feelings on him. I can feel liquid running down my forehead and realize they are not my tears but the tears of my brother, who just lost his best friend.

  I start to whisper to no one in particular, “No! He’s not gone—we have plans, he told me we did. He said, ‘I’ve got big plans for us, Cupcake.’ We’re supposed to be celebrating my early acceptance right now.”

  He is supposed to be holding me in bed and finding ways to celebrate me getting into the same college. The doctor continues to talk, although I’m unsure if anyone is actually listening to him. I hear, “… injuries too extensive … say goodbye … I’m sorry.” The tears I had fought back earlier start to fall as if a dam just broke. How can he be gone? We spoke only a few hours ago.