I Never Planned on You

by Stefanie Jenkins

  Haylee has since gone to the comfort of her parents’ arms, and my dad has pulled Zach into a hug while my mom joins me sitting on the floor. She strokes my hair as I rock back and forth. “I am so sorry, Danielle,” she keeps saying over and over.

  Zach’s sobs overtake my mother’s soothing words, not that her soothing tone will make me feel any better. He has always been the rock between us, so to watch him fall apart and crumble to pieces breaks my heart even more. I’m so thankful for my dad holding him right now because when one holds everyone together all the time as the rock, it makes you wonder who’s there to hold them together?

  I’m not sure how much time passes from the time the doctor left the room till now. Time stopped for me the instant I heard “He’s gone.” How can he be gone? My mother stands and brings me to my feet although I need to lean fully on her. If she releases me, I may just fall back to the ground. I can’t make eye contact with anyone, but in my searching for something else to look at, I sadly lock eyes with Ms. Natalie and she instantly begins to sob louder. I pull from my mother’s arms and fall to the ground in front of where Ms. Natalie is sitting and sob uncontrollably in her lap.

  “Oh Dani, I’m sorry. I can’t believe this. It’s a nightmare I’m ready to wake up from. My baby boy can’t be gone.”

  All I can do is shake my head. There are no words to speak. If I were to open my mouth right now, I might just scream. I can feel the pain building in my chest ready to burst. My heart has been torn from my chest and smashed into a million pieces. Reality hits me in the face with the words the doctor said I had tuned out. They keep replaying on repeat in my mind: “There was not much we could do by the time he arrived here, but we did everything we could.”

  He was suffering as I was sleeping in his bed…our bed. We were just a few short months from me graduating and moving to Philly to the apartment where we would share that bed full-time, and it was all taken away in a blink of an eye.

  Mr. Brian tries to compose himself. “Dr. Foster said we are able to go back two at a time to…to…” But he doesn’t need to continue for us all to know what he was going to say. There is a deadly silence throughout the room where no one wants to admit what is about to happen nor anyone wanting to volunteer to go first. Mr. Brian stands up and offers his hand to his wife. I rise to my feet as well when I feel my mother’s arms on my shoulders.

  Mr. Brian extends his other hand to Haylee. “I don’t want to do this, but we should go first.” My father nods at him while holding my brother, who is still breaking down in his arms. The Hankses leave the room to do the unthinkable. The doctor said two at a time, but that’s such a stupid rule. What are they going to do, tell a grieving family one person can’t go in to say goodbye? Yeah, I don’t think so. The hospital can go fuck themselves on that rule.

  Turning in my mother’s arms, I let out a cry and shake my head. “I don’t think I can do this, Mommy. Don’t make me say goodbye to him. I’m not ready to do this. We’re supposed to be old and gray and have a bunch of grandchildren when I am forced to do this, not now. Not…not when we have our whole lives ahead of us. It’s not fair!”

  My tone went from soft to angry, but my mom doesn’t falter as I yell at her as to how unfair this situation is; she knows I’m not yelling at her. Her arms wrap around me so tightly I feel like I can’t breathe, although I’m not really sure if I have been breathing at all since the doctor came in earlier. Maybe my breath stopped at the same moment and this is all a nightmare now.

  Mom leads us to the double chair and pulls me to her chest and allows me to cry against her. Time doesn’t seem to exist in this moment, so I’m not sure as to how long we’ve been in that room.

  Haylee is the first to return, her eyes all red and puffy, tears overflowing from them. She grabs her bag and mutters something before walking out of the room. Mr. Brian calls out after her, but she yells that she can’t be in here anymore and she needs air.

  Air…I need air too. I’m suffocating at the thought of having to go in that room. Maybe I won’t. I make no move to get up. Ms. Natalie collapses in her husband’s arms and hits his chest, crying out for her loss. I can feel my mother nod against the top of my head, and out of the corner of my eye I see Zach and my dad leave the room. My turn will be next. How do I prepare for this? My mind races through the last time I saw him, what he looked like, felt like, smelled like, sounded like, tasted like. These are all things I will never feel or know again—a distant memory.

  I’m not sure how we get to the point, standing in front of room 209. The door is currently closed, but I know what awaits me on the other side. My mom opens the door slightly, but my feet don’t move. Reaching for my hand, she gives it a gentle squeeze. “Come on, sweetheart, it’s time.”

  I take a deep breath and count one, two, three and then follow her into the room. The curtain is partially pulled, but I can see the end of the bed. His feet have a sheet draped over them. The tears flow down my cheek at a rapid pace, and I’m having a hard time catching my breath. My mother goes first since I refuse to move any farther, drawing this out. Through her tears I can make out only some words: “Oh honey, I’m so sorry … a life cut too short … watch over us … I love you.”

  It’s time. My feet slowly move forward around the curtain, and my breath catches as I watch my mom lean over and kiss the top of his head. My mother moves back to give me some space but not going too far, knowing I need her strength to do this.

  I move to the side of the bed and take a seat, grabbing Emmett’s hand in mine. I lace our fingers together. His skin is cold, no longer full of life. This person lying here is not my Emmett. I don’t recognize this person. Emmett was so full of life and warm. This version is cold, still, and lifeless. I want to my touch to warm him up. I bring our hands to my lips just as he had so many times before. I close my eyes as my lips touch his skin, trying to memorize everything. I bring our clasped hands down to my lap and stroke his blond hair with the other. He is…was…fuck, I’m not sure if I can refer to him in the past tense. Em was the best-looking guy I have ever seen.

  “Oh baby, it wasn’t supposed to be this way. Why did this happen to us? Please…please wake up. I’m not strong enough to do this. I don’t know…how to do this without you. I don’t want to do this without you.”

  My tears overpower me, and I throw my arms around Emmett’s cold, lifeless body, praying my warmth will wake him up and he’ll put his strong arms around me. But that’s not reality—that won’t happen. I will never feel the warmth and safety of his embrace again. My mother comes up behind me and rubs my back. “It’s time, sweetheart.”

  “No! No! No! I’m not ready to say goodbye.”

  “I know, baby girl, I know.” She doesn’t need to say anything else.

  Leaning over, I kiss his forehead before placing mine against his, a natural move between the two of us that will happen no more. “You’re it for me, Emmett Adam Hanks. I will love you forever and always,” I whisper before placing one last kiss upon his lips. Why can’t this be like in the fairy tales where true loves kiss wakes up the sleeping princess, or in our case the sleeping prince?

  I bring my head back and trace his face with my fingers, trying to memorize it all: the scar above his left eyebrow from the time Dad and Mr. Brian were teaching us kids how to skip rocks and Zach threw a rock and it ricocheted off a stump and hit Emmett in the forehead; the cluster of freckles that would appear across his nose after being in the sun; and that dimple…fuck I loved making that dimple appear when he smiled.

  Kissing his hand one last time, I rise to my feet and somehow end up out of the room walking back to the waiting area where everyone is congregated, our lives irrevocably changed—a life without Emmett in it.

  I look back to the hospital room door one last time as it closes behind us. The weight of the world at the very moment makes my chest feel as though it’s going to collapse. I struggle to catch my breath, and my vision is filled with unshed tears. My mother presses the button t
o open the double doors. My feet move forward, and I look up to see Zach standing there. Before I know what’s happening, his arms are around me. I’m unsure if he is holding me up or the other way around. I collapse in his arms and allow the pain to overtake me, letting the tears flow freely from my eyes. It hurts to breathe, it hurts all over, it hurts to live.

  Why did he have to leave me here all alone?

  I can still smell him as I hug the pillow tight to my chest. There’s nothing that can be done to alleviate the giant ache now residing in place of my heart. I squeeze the pillow tighter as the tears continue to fall down my cheek. I thought by now there wouldn’t be any left to cry, but I was wrong. My body has decided to betray me and keep a solid flow of tears coming. It’s been two days since my heart was shattered into a million pieces. In the blink of an eye, the happily ever after I had dreamed of my entire life was gone.

  The police report told us that the Jeep slid on ice when attempting to stop at an intersection, causing Em to run a red light, and an oncoming vehicle T-boned the side of Emmett’s, killing him almost instantly. The thought rips me apart in a way that I know will never be able to be put back together. He will never graduate college, become a husband, become a father, or achieve all the dreams he had set out to accomplish since he was younger. I’m past the point of sadness, past the point of exhaustion. I can’t even try to sleep because every time I close my eyes, I see him lying there, smiling at me. Emmett Hanks had been the love of my life for as long as I can remember. To be honest, I don’t feel anything at all. I’m numb, and I don’t want to feel anything anymore…because the honest truth is, who am I without him?

  Mom, Dad, and the Hankses headed back home along with Emmett’s body, which was released to the funeral home that would take care of arrangements. I begged Zach not to make me go home just yet, but I’m not sure honestly how much longer I can stay here. Why am I torturing myself being this close to Emmett knowing that I’ll never see him again? Is this my punishment for having to live the rest of my life without him?

  Clinging to the pillow while wrapped in one of his flannel shirts that still smells of him, I imagine he is lying here with me and we’re discussing what we would do first upon graduation. A talk that will never occur. The thought makes my body feel as though my chest is caving all over again.

  I pick my phone up and see the photo of Emmett and me from prom last year as the backdrop. I quickly unlock it only to be greeted with a photo of Em shirtless at the pool from this summer. I pull up my voicemails and hit Play to hear the message that I have listened to over and over again. It took about twelve hours for me to actually gather the courage to hit Play the first time. Emmett had called as he left the library while I was napping. The what-ifs play through my mind—had I only answered his call, would we still be in this situation? I could have just met him somewhere so that he wasn’t on that road at that moment, and it would be someone else’s family mourning the loss of a loved one instead of us…

  “Hey, baby, I’m just leaving the library now. Shit, I don’t think my brain can handle any more information now. I should be at the apartment soon, but I just wanted to call and tell you that I am so proud of you, Dani. I know I told you earlier, but I’ll keep saying it. I’m thinking dinner, so you think of where you want to go. Another step closer to the rest of our lives. I’ll see you soon. I love you!”

  Click.

  I hear the front door open, and I want so bad for this all to be a nightmare and I’m waking up from my nap on Friday waiting for Emmett to come home from the library just as his voicemail had stated. I’d see him walking up to the door, lean on the doorframe, and make a comment like, “That sweater is hideous, Dani. You should most definitely lose it. It would look better on the floor. Fuck going to dinner—we’ll just go straight for dessert.”

  Realizing that conversation never happened nor will any further conversations happen, the tears threaten to drown me. My wails overtake the silence of the room, and a sliver of light from the hallway lights up the dark room. The bed dips and my brother wraps his arms around me, cradling me to his chest. Emmett was always my protector, but who is supposed to protect me from this pain? Zach’s arms tighten around me as he tries the best he can to protect me and support me, but he along with everyone else, myself included, isn’t sure as to how to go about doing that. I squeeze the pillow so tight I might burst it. That’s how my grief feels—ready to burst like a volcano waiting to erupt. I pull the pillow to my mouth as if to stop the air I am breathing and scream. I’m not sure how long I scream into it, but I just let it out. I can feel my brother’s body vibrate against me as his body trembles from his tears.

  We just sit like that for I’m not sure how long; time no longer has a meaning. In between sniffles, I hear his voice, so low it’s almost a whisper. “Dani, I know this is hard, but we need to get going soon.” I shake my head no. I’m not ready to face that. At least staying here I can avoid the planning and the funeral and what comes next. “I know, sweetheart. I don’t want to do it either, but we need to. We need to do it for Em, for Hails—she needs her best friend right now.”

  I am quiet, not wanting to admit he is right. I wanted Haylee to stay with me, but she refused. She couldn’t stand being in the apartment just for the night before heading back home.

  “Okay. I need a few minutes though.”

  He nods and slowly stands up and retreats to his room, I assume to finish packing his things for the next few days. I allow a few more tears to fall while lying on the bed before finding strength deep down to pull myself together. I grab Emmett’s duffle bag out of the closet and throw some shirts and a few hoodies in there. I know these items won’t always smell like him, but until they don’t, I will have to savor his scent and pretend that it is him wrapped around me. Again, with the torturing of myself, by myself.

  I look over to the desk where my early acceptance letter sits. I go to grab it and hesitate. If it weren’t for that letter, Emmett might not have left the library when he did to come here to meet me. I crumple the letter and the envelope and throw them to the other side of the room. I gather the duffle bag and throw it over my shoulder along with my purse. I take a quick look around this room and remember all the good and bad times we had here—more good than bad, but hey, we weren’t perfect. We still fought at times. But the makeup sex…the makeup sex always made the fight worth it. Whoever was at fault for the fight was usually the one worshiping the other’s body. For the most part, he was usually in the wrong, but I didn’t complain.

  I take a deep breath knowing what awaits me when we arrive home. Scared of the unknown and the new life that awaits, I close the bedroom door behind me and meet Zach at the front door.

  I wake up fully drenched in sweat, screaming out for Emmett, tears running down my cheeks. I want him to come barging through the door and wrap his arms around me, running his hands along my hair and telling me it was just a bad dream. But no, it’s not a dream. I am living in a real-life nightmare—a world I’m not ready for. A world which Emmett is no longer in. How is that possible?

  The past few days have been a blur. Zach basically dragged me out of the apartment to come back here to say goodbye. Goodbye. How do I say goodbye to him? I can’t. I refuse to—then that means he is actually gone.

  Today is his funeral. I would say it’s the worst day of my life, but no, that winner was crowned four days ago when the love of my life was torn from this world forever. I pull my knees to my chest, wearing Emmett’s UPenn hoodie that still smells of him. How long will his scent be able to stay with me? I don’t hide the tears as they fall.

  Looking around the room, I see Em everywhere. How can I not? We’d been together since we were thirteen and a part of each other’s life since we were born. I see the mirror hanging next to my closet where I would be putting the finishing touches on my outfit when he would wrap his strong arms around me from behind and tell me how beautiful I looked. I see the window Em once broke while throwing rocks one night to
get my attention—he had thought it would be romantic, however it turned out to be pretty expensive. I look at the bulletin board above my desk and see the photos of endless memories. I see the rug we would sit on attempting to do homework that nine out of ten times would lead to a heavy make-out session.

  There is a light knock on the door, and I close my eyes imagining it’s Emmett about to walk in, but instead I am pulled to reality when I hear my mother’s soft voice as she opens it. “Sweetheart, we will need to go soon. I laid your dress out on the back of the chair. Do you want me to help you get ready?”

  I shake my head but make no attempt at getting up. Looking at my mother, I see her eyes are red-rimmed and bloodshot—I am sure a mirrored image of my own—and her shoulders are tense. Not only has she been trying to manage her household falling apart these past few days, but her own best friend is burying her son today. Emmett was my mother’s godson. I don’t know how she can be strong for everyone right now. I just want to climb back under the covers and forget this whole thing today. However, I know that if I don’t get up now, she won’t leave me alone, and that’s all I want…to be left alone, like I will be for the rest of my life.

  I swing my legs over the bed and try to find strength to stand. Mom walks toward me and places a kiss on my temple. “It will be okay,” she says into my hair.

  I shrug her off and rise to my feet. “No it won’t. It never will be. You can’t make this better with words or anything—no one can.” Walking over toward the dress, I see she picked a simple black dress I had worn once to my grandma’s funeral two years ago. I thought I would never get through it, but Emmett had held my hand the entire time and was my rock. Who would be my rock today? I stare at the dress, hoping my eyes can make it disappear while I hear my mother’s footsteps walk toward the door and she quietly shuts it behind her.

  I’m not exactly sure how I get myself ready, but I am now looking in the mirror fully dressed in my black dress that lands just above my knee and black flats. Mom had set out a pair of black tights to put on since it’s winter, but I didn’t put them on. I’m sure I should have since it’s cold, but the past few days I haven’t felt anything. I am so completely numb that I thought maybe being freezing in the cold would force me to feel even the littlest something.