Return to Emmett's Mill

by Kimberly Van Meter

  “Oh, my goodness…” she breathed, her hand going to her mouth. “That’s awful.”

  He shook his head. “I figured it was just going to get worse and I didn’t want to bury my only kid just because some punk didn’t like the way he looked.”

  “You did the right thing,” she said resolutely, surprising him. “You did exactly what I would’ve done in your shoes.” His reaction made her cock her head at him. “What? Just because I don’t have kids of my own doesn’t mean I can’t empathize? Did you file a police report?”

  Respect for her logical train of thought made him nod. “Of course, but because there wasn’t any actual physical contact, it’s just a misdemeanor and even that charge probably won’t stick. I figured it was best to just get the hell out of Dodge. Stockton was never my choice, anyway.”

  Too revealing, he thought, but somehow the gate had been pried open a few inches and his guard was down. It had always been that way with Tasha. “I’d better get back to work,” he said, moving to the door. Her voice, soft and hesitant, stopped him.

  “Did you love her?”

  Josh paused, then met her gaze, knowing she’d see the truth no matter what he said. “Yes. I did.” He offered a pained smile. “Crazy, huh?”

  She swallowed and shook her head slowly. “No. Not at all. I’m glad. Everyone deserves love, Josh.”

  He didn’t know what to say to that. His marriage to Carrie was a failure of the first rate. He’d tried; they’d both tried, he supposed. But some things weren’t meant to last. Tasha, of all people, probably knew that better than most.

  CHRISTOPHER GLANCED AT the digital clock on his dresser. He had another hour before his dad got home. Logging off his Yahoo Messenger, Christopher straightened and pulled a set of codes he’d gotten from his friend OgDog from his bottom drawer. Og was a gamer, like him, but he’d recently hacked into the mainframe of Zodiac Games, the creator of his and Og’s favorite game, Zenith Rising. Everyone in the gaming world knew that Zodiac was testing the sequel to Zenith Rising in select cities under an umbrella of secrecy. Gaming espionage was big business and OgDog hit the jackpot when he managed to lift the codes. He’d been itching to hack into Zodiac since OgDog IM’ed him to tell him they worked. Then, his mom had shown up—of all the times for her to go all maternal—and he’d had to shelve his plans until he got back.

  But then he’d chickened out. He was shaking with anticipation, but there was a healthy dose of trepidation, too. What if he got caught? Could he go to jail? Prison? Christopher had trouble swallowing at the thought.

  His gaze strayed to the small bit of paper where the codes beckoned, and sweat popped along his brow. What was the point of having them if he wasn’t going to use them? Og would tease him mercilessly, and rightly so. If Christopher learned Og was sitting on a virtual gold mine like that, he’d never let him live it down.

  Biting down on his lip, he logged back onto Yahoo and IM’ed Og.

  Hellkaracks: You sure they work?

  OgDog: Dude! You still haven’t used them?

  Christopher shifted in his chair under his friend’s virtual rebuke.

  Hellkaracks: I haven’t had the chance. Mom showed up. Had to go.

  OgDog: You don’t know what you’re missing, dude. It rocks.

  Hellkaracks: It is as good as Zenith?

  OgDog: Find out yourself.

  OgDog logged off and Christopher followed. He picked up the codes and stared at the innocuous set of numbers. It was almost criminal not to try them out. Drawing a deep breath, he rolled to his Linux computer and let it boot.

  CHAPTER TEN

  BY THE TIME JOSH GOT HOME, he was exhausted. It wasn’t just his hard day’s work—he was emotionally spent. Being around Tasha was harder than he imagined it would be.

  Rounding the corner, he simultaneously knocked and opened Christopher’s door.

  His son jumped at the intrusion, but Josh was more interested in the darkened room. “What are you doing sitting in the dark, Chris?” he asked, flipping the light and watching in amusement as Christopher shrank from the brightness. “Done your homework yet?”

  “Yeah,” Christopher answered, rubbing at his eyes. “What’s for dinner?”

  “I brought home some soup my friend Tasha made today. It’s really good. I’ll have it warmed up in five.”

  Christopher made a noncommittal noise that Josh didn’t care for, and Josh snapped his fingers at his son. “You. Dinner. Now.”

  “All right, Dad. I’ll be there in a minute.”

  Josh nodded and moved toward the door. Turning, he gestured to the computer. “What are you working on?”

  Christopher shrugged but powered down. “Nothing special. Just goofing around.”

  “You’re not doing anything illegal, right?” Josh joked, and Christopher’s eyes widened in an instant, making Josh a little uneasy until Christopher shook his head. Josh breathed a secret sigh of relief against his intuition ringing warning bells. It was Carrie’s fault. She had his head all turned around. Christopher wouldn’t do anything illegal, he thought. He was a good kid.

  Josh was halfway to the kitchen when there was a knock at the front door. Detouring, he opened it to find his little brother, Sammy, blowing on his fingers and stamping his feet. “You gonna ask me in or keep me outside freezing my ass off?” he teased, breaking into a wide grin that was almost infectious.

  “What’s up, little brother?” Josh asked, closing the door behind Sammy. “Hungry? I was about to put on some soup.”

  “Soup? You really know how to entertain. Campbell’s? Or that fancy stuff by Wolfgang Puck? I’ve got a finicky palette, you know.”

  Josh snorted as he headed toward the kitchen. “This coming from the man who used to think his boogers were a delicacy.”

  “Hey! No fair. I’m sure you did your share of disgusting childhood things. I’ll have to ask Dean to get the scoop on you.”

  Josh put the soup on the stove. “Is that what you’re here for? Childhood dirt? If that’s the case, you’re out of luck…I was a saint.”

  Sammy laughed out loud. “Yeah…right. Damn, that smells good. Maybe I will have some.”

  Josh smiled and grabbed a bowl. He hollered for Christopher and ladled some of Tasha’s soup into a bowl for Sammy. “So you were saying? What’s the occasion for the visit?”

  “Just thought I’d come by and see how you’re doing with that reconstruction job over at the Simmonses’ place. Seeing as it’s not really your forte, being a welder by trade. Wanted to make sure the wall wasn’t going to cave in with the first strong wind.”

  Josh chuckled. “Is that so? Well, don’t strain your little brain. The Simmons job isn’t the first construction job I’ve taken on. I used to work with Dad, too, you know.”

  “Yeah, yeah, but your memory isn’t what it used to be.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “I mean, if you had any inkling how amazing, not to mention beautiful, Tasha Simmons was and still is, you’d never have let her slip through your fingers.”

  All good humor fled as he stared at his little brother. “Drop it, Sam.”

  But Sammy wasn’t deterred. “Listen, I know you’re hurting because of Carrie, but you two never had the chemistry you and Tasha shared. I was just a kid, but even I could see there was something special there.”

  “You’ve seen too many movies.”

  “Maybe,” Sammy agreed with a grin, not the least bit put off by the dark glower Josh was sending his way. “But where’s the harm in rekindling a little something?”

  Josh didn’t want to use Tasha in that way. He was hurting inside. Anything he allowed to spark to life would only be transient and Tasha deserved better. He preferred to cherish his memories, rather than taint them for selfish purposes. Ignoring Sammy, he grabbed a bowl and ladled himself some soup.

  Sammy grabbed his own bowl and followed Josh into the living room. “What’s the big deal? You like her, she likes you—”

  “W
hat are you talking about?” he asked sharply, eyeing his brother. “When did you talk to Tasha?”

  The delighted look on Sammy’s face made Josh want to rearrange it. “Someone’s sensitive, aren’t they?” Sammy said, giving Josh a sly look.

  Josh made a disgusted sound, but inside an uncomfortable twinge told him Sammy knew a bit too much about his older brother. “Eat your damn soup and go home,” he said sourly.

  Christopher walked by with his bowl of soup in the direction of his room when Josh asked him to eat with them. Christopher stopped, but it was clear by his expression that he’d rather not. “Dad, I’ve got homework.”

  “You said it was all done,” Josh said, frowning when Christopher shrugged as if that information wasn’t relevant.

  “I forgot about some stuff,” Christopher answered.

  “All right. I guess you’d better get it done,” Josh said with a sigh. “Make sure you put your bowl away when you’re done. We don’t need ants.”

  “Okay, okay,” Christopher said, and disappeared.

  Josh bent to return to his soup until he realized Sammy was regarding him seriously. That in itself was enough to give him pause. He narrowed his gaze at his brother. “What’s on your mind now?”

  “Everything okay with Chris?”

  “Yeah, why?”

  “He seems a little…preoccupied.”

  “What teenager isn’t?” Josh snorted, but lately, he’d been harboring some concerns himself. Josh chalked Christopher’s withdrawal up to the stress of moving and Carrie’s flighty parental excursions; he assumed Christopher would get through it in his own time. He sighed in spite of himself. “He’s having a difficult time with things. The move…Carrie…you know.”

  Sammy nodded. “I figured. Still, you might want to keep an eye on him. He’s starting to turn into one of those trench-coat mafia types. Next thing you know, he’ll be building a bomb in the garage.”

  “Not hardly,” Josh retorted. “Christopher’s not the type.”

  “I hope not. Brandon still helping him out at school?” Sammy asked. Brandon was a good kid. Straight A’s, popular and athletic. In fact, except for the grades, Brandon was a lot like Josh had been in school. Sometimes he wondered how his nephew ended up with his share of DNA.

  “I don’t know,” Josh admitted. “I hope so. But I’m not sure.”

  Again, Sammy nodded, his expression grave—which was an odd fit for his younger brother. “Me, too…Hey, if you need someone to talk to him, I’m willing to take him under my wing.”

  “That’s a scary thought,” Josh muttered, but there was no rancor in it. He appreciated his brothers’ help, even if it felt a little intrusive at times. He looked to Sammy. “Thanks, little brother.”

  “No problem. Now, about Tasha…”

  TASHA BIT HER LIP as she lifted an old journal from a box of her childhood things. The years melted away as she held the warped notebook in her hands. Senior year. Emmett’s Mill High, home of the Grizzlies.

  Light filtered from the small attic window and sent wan shafts of sunlight into the cold, cluttered room. Dust motes danced before her eyes and her fingers lightly traced the faded lettering on the plain diary. She didn’t feel the cold seeping into her bones, nor did she listen to the voice in her head that directed her to return it to the box. She’d come up here to put away her mom’s things, not lose herself in high-school memories.

  Still…her fingers disobeyed her brain and soon she was opening the first page.

  As she read the first entry, a smile warmed her mouth. She’d been so full of life. Unstoppable, in her mind. Tasha flipped through a few more pages. Cheerleading, the winter formal, who was dating who and Josh. Lots of stuff about Josh.

  A wistful sigh escaped as she read one particular entry.

  Josh and I have a special night planned. I told Mom I’m staying at Hannah’s but that’s not true. I love him and he loves me. I don’t want to wait anymore. It’s going to be special and amazing. I know it.

  Tasha closed her eyes and saw in her memory the night she and Josh lost their virginity together. Hannah had told her it would hurt the first time but it would get better. Tasha’s palms had been clammy and she’d been afraid to let Josh hold her hand, but he’d understood, and even showed her how clammy his own hands had been. Josh was that kind of guy. He always went out of his way for the ones he loved.

  Josh drove them to his family’s vacation house in Wawona. The Halvorsens had already closed the cabin for the winter so there was little chance of anyone finding them. The bite in the air signaled fall was giving way to winter and it took her breath away, but the landscape was filled with western white pine, mountain hemlock and lodgepole pine, creating an oasis of natural beauty that made her feel safe and cherished. It was perfect.

  The old house creaked with the wind, but Josh cranked up the radiator heater and grabbed plenty of blankets, some of which had been in his family for generations, and he warmed her from within with the love shining from his eyes.

  Tasha blinked against the sudden burn in her eyes and swallowed the odd lump in her throat. She’d been right; that night was special and it had been perfect.

  In all her life that moment stood out as the most pure in its innocence. They learned together the magic of two bodies coming together to create something close to knowing God. The fleeting pain faded under the gentle yet inexperienced hands of a boy she’d given her heart and soul to, and Tasha—even in her youth—knew not everyone was so lucky.

  Tasha closed the notebook and hugged it to her chest as if somehow she could draw the emotion from the pages and experience that purity just once more. To remember that sex wasn’t awful, that it didn’t come with feelings of shame and humiliation, and that it was possible to laugh and play in the arms of a lover without wanting to run and hide from your own desire.

  Something wet slid down her cheek and she realized tears were coursing from her eyes. Tasha groaned and wiped them away before hastily replacing the notebook and interlocking the tops of the box together.

  Visiting the past was dangerous, not just for the bad memories that lurked—but for the good ones, too.

  Sometimes, the good ones were worse.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  TASHA WATCHED AS NATALIE loaded their dad into her car for his weekly visit to the senior center and wondered if Natalie was right. She hated the tension between Nora and herself. It didn’t feel natural, and the continuing hostility scraped at her raw nerves. She’d received an e-mail from her director asking when she was returning. Tasha didn’t have an answer just yet, so her reply was vague. But she yearned to go back to what she’d known for so many years. There was comfort in routine and helping others. Yet…a strange, almost foreign part of her mind kept reminding her of times in Emmett’s Mill that were wonderful and alive. It made her question if what she did now made her happy.

  Josh was nearly done with the job. The frigid yet clear skies helped. If it had rained or snowed, it would’ve put a significant delay on the schedule. Christopher had come again with Josh to put up the new drywall and all that remained were the finishing touches.

  Tasha secretly enjoyed having Josh in the house, and even though Christopher wasn’t the most communicative, she wanted the chance to get to know him better but wasn’t entirely sure how to ask or if she should even try. Josh was incredibly sensitive when it came to his son, not that she blamed him.

  Josh’s presence felt like a buffer between her and the grief that hovered like a vulture waiting for her to drop. The sounds of him working down the hall soothed the anxiety that was a constant presence. Yet, she wasn’t sure if she had the same effect on Josh, and the knowledge was bothersome. Tasha could practically see the tension stiffening his shoulders and kinking the thick band of muscles in his neck and chest. She was shocked to realize the thought of easing his rigid muscles was not an unwelcome one. In fact, the mental picture of rubbing her palms along the solid length of his back warmed her insides in a pleasant wa
y that should’ve made her wary but instead sent dark thrills down her spine. Tasha’s cheeks flushed and she palmed one to feel the blood rushing.

  The sound of plastic rustling jostled Tasha out of her thoughts, and Josh walked down the hallway toward the kitchen where she was standing. He wiped sweat from his forehead and Tasha wondered how his body worked up the moisture under such inhospitable working conditions.

  “It’s looking good,” she offered as he helped himself to a glass of water from the dispenser on the refrigerator. “You can hardly tell how awful it looked before.”

  “I’m glad the weather is holding. Makes the work go faster.” He finished the water and turned to leave, but a thought had come to Tasha in a flash and she was about to act on it before she lost her nerve.

  “Josh…” she started, and he stopped expectantly. “I’ve been thinking of taking a trip up to Yosemite while I’m here…it’s been a long time since I’ve been up there and I wondered if you and Christopher wouldn’t mind going with me.”

  Tasha held her breath as a myriad of emotions ranged over his face and she sensed his conflict as if she were experiencing it herself. “Nothing romantic,” she assured him softly, though at her words a twinge of disappointment followed. “I just don’t want to go alone, and right now I’m not really on the best of terms with my sisters. I’m asking as a friend.”

  “Things bad?” he asked, surprising her with his interest.

  “Nothing we can’t get over—eventually, but right now…I don’t think an hour car ride is advisable.”

  He chuckled, and the sound made her smile, too.

  “I haven’t been up to Yosemite in a while,” Josh said, rubbing his chin, his expression thoughtful. “And getting Christopher to do something other than fiddle with those computers would be a plus. Sure,” he slowly agreed, adding, “he’s not really the outdoors type, but as much as I hate to admit Carrie might be right about something, I’m beginning to agree with her about how much time Chris spends on the computer. Getting out of the house might be good for us both.”