Witch Snitch

by Sibéal Pounder

  BRUNTS!

  There was a CRACK! The room seemed to get larger. Lizzie Beast began growing at five foot a second. Fluffanora’s dress ballooned. And Fran’s hair grew and grew until it looked like the size of a witch’s beehive.

  Tiga turned and caught a glimpse of her reflection in the window. She was small. She had a beehive. She was … FRAN!

  ‘She’s tiny,’ Lizzie Beast said, her massive face moving closer. ‘And Fran-shaped.’

  ‘TURN ME BACK! TURN ME BACK!’ Tiga screamed.

  She wobbled in the air – the weird sensation of wings was making her woozy. She could feel them strapped to her back.

  ‘Keep rolling,’ she heard Fluffanora whisper to Lizzie Beast. ‘We can make a spin-off comedy show out of this stuff.’

  ‘I HEARD THAT!’ Tiga roared, her voice irritating and squeaky. ‘FAIRIES HAVE VERY SENSITIVE HEARING! Wait a second, Fran, that means when you ignore the things I say and claim you didn’t hear you’re actually lying!’

  Fran turned and flashed Tiga an innocent look. ‘Pardon? I didn’t hear you.’

  ‘AAAARGH!’ Tiga roared. Now she was a fairy she couldn’t seem to control her temper. She could almost feel her blood boiling. ‘TURN ME BACK! I DON’T WANT TO BE A SMALL FAIRY! TURN ME BACK, FRAN!’

  ‘You know,’ Fran said, taking a seat back on the book. ‘I’m slightly offended you’re so vehemently against being a fairy. Specifically a me fairy.’

  Tiga felt a hissing noise in her ears. Smoke was coming out of them!

  ‘Oh dear,’ Fluffanora said, diving for the book. ‘She’s going to pop.’

  REVERSE Brunts, REVERSE Brunts,

  REVERSE Brunts, REVERSE Brunts,

  REVERSE Brunts, REVERSE Brunts,

  REVERSE Brunts, REVERSE Brunts,

  REVERSE Brunts, REVERSE Brunts,

  REVERSE Brunts, REVERSE Brunts,

  REVERSE BRUNTS!

  Five Things You Didn’t Know About Christy Brunts, by Tiga

  1.Christy Brunts isn’t magic, because the name Christy Brunts was cursed over three hundred years ago. Christy Brunts can only be magic when using the Christy Brunts book.

  2.Christy Brunts once tried to change her name when she heard a four-year-old called Anna changed her name successfully to Fluffanora, but the Sinkville Name Office said Queen Wendybottle Brunts was not an acceptable name.

  3.She also tried to change her name to Franolima.

  4.And Bungle.

  5.And Toaster. None were accepted.

  An Extract from the Many Faces of Christy Brunts:

  A Brunts-in-a-Lifetime Spell Book

  COSTUMES & SPELLS:

  HOW TO BE TIGA, FLUFFANORA, ETC.

  WHAT YOU’LL NEED:

  •The ability to say ‘Brunts’

  •And the following items, depending on who you want to be:

  FLUFFANORA

  1.A long skirt.

  2.To make it puffy, wear an underskirt underneath.

  3.A glamorous hat – you can decorate it yourself, like Fluffanora. She likes to wrap beaded necklaces around her hat. You can also glue white feathers to it for special occasions.

  4.Some cool shoes and spotted or striped tights.

  5.Dark sunglasses for when you want to walk down the street without one of the Toad reporters spotting you.

  6.Bracelets – Fluffanora likes to mix and match bracelets, especially ones she’s beaded herself.

  TIGA

  1.A spotted skirt.

  2.Striped tights.

  3.Silver braces (these are optional, but they’re Tiga’s favourite thing in her wardrobe at the moment).

  4.A striped top with long sleeves.

  5.A glamorous black hat.

  6.A slug with a beehive of hair.

  7.Some really cool boots. Tiga likes to change the laces, mixing and matching different colours so the left bootlace clashes with the right bootlace. Very cool.

  LIZZIE BEAST

  1.A really long wig (unless you’ve been growing your hair for a really long time).

  2.A cool grey hat.

  3.A long simple grey skirt (school skirts work really well).

  4.Flat sandals.

  5.Striped tights.

  6.Lizzie Beast really likes brooches – cool vintage ones she borrows from her grandmother. She likes to pin them to her jumper.

  7.Add a choker – she likes to wear these on special occasions.

  FRAN

  1.Wings.

  2.Glittery dust.

  3.A sparkly skirt.

  4.A beehive hairstyle.

  5.A star hairband.

  6.Excellent shoes.

  WASHY CAT

  1.Washing-up gloves.

  2.Whiskers (these can be drawn on).

  3.Cat ears.

  4.Hairy cat arms.

  5.A boiler suit or dungarees, and a black T-shirt.

  Washy Cat

  ‘Washy Cat,’ Fran tried. ‘Washy Cat?’

  Pip Glow, the witch who played Washy Cat, was slowly edging towards the door.

  ‘We just want to do a quick bit of filming with you for our Witchoween documentary,’ Fran said, flying closer.

  ‘STAY AWAY!’ Pip Glow shouted from inside the Washy Cat costume, pointing at Lizzie Beast and falling out of the door.

  Tiga peeked outside just in time to see her grab a broom and fly off, wobbling in her Washy Cat costume and shedding hair as she went.

  ‘I guess we won’t be interviewing Washy Cat,’ Fran said, glaring at Lizzie Beast.

  Five Things You Didn’t Know About Pip Glow, by Tiga

  1.Pip Glow has played Washy Cat for longer than any other witch actress, ever.

  2.Over thirty thousand young witches write to Washy Cat every year and she replies to all of them.

  3.She refuses to talk about the episode of Washy Cat featuring a five-year-old Lizzie Beast. The episode is occasionally shown on Fairy 5, as a horror film.

  4.In Pip Glow’s memoirs, called Washing Away the Witch, she says the Washy Cat costume weighs the same as four thousand overweight cats.

  5.She volunteers at Sinkville’s cat hospital in the towers once a month.

  Toad Magazine

  ‘Ready?’ Lizzie Beast asked.

  Fran rubbed her teeth and smiled into the camera. ‘Only if you’re not going to say three, two, one and go again, Lizzie Beast.’

  ‘WITCH SNITCH! Behind the scenes at Toad magazine with Darcy Dream, TAKE ONE!’ Lizzie Beast shouted.

  ‘And here we find ourselves outside the very exclu­sive offices of fashion and gossip magazine Toad,’ Fran oozed. ‘No one is allowed in, apart from the select witches who work here. But today, for the first time, we have been granted unprecedented access! We’ll see how a Toad magazine is put together, find out more about the witches behind it and lots more! So follow me as I go inside this Toad.’ She flew to the door and smacked into it.

  ‘HELLO! IT’S LOCKED!’

  ‘I think you just have to turn the handle,’ Tiga said quietly.

  ‘Handles that turn,’ Fran scoffed. ‘That is so above the pipes. You’d think a magazine as forward-thinking as Toad would have bewitched doors.’

  Inside, Toad magazine’s office was slick. A jet-black catwalk-style carpet led to the reception desk, where a young witch sat applying silver lipstick.

  ‘Name,’ she said without looking away from her mirror.

  ‘Tiga,’ Tiga said. ‘We’re filming the Witchoween documentary. We’re here to see Darcy Dream.’

  ‘Fifth floor,’ the witch said, pouting in the mirror.

  Tiga looked around. There didn’t seem to be any stairs, or a lift.

  ‘How do we get to the fifth fl–?’

  ‘Levitation,’ the witch said. ‘It’s a requirement when working here. If you can’t levitate ten floors, then you can’t work here.’

  Fluffanora stepped forward. ‘Fine, we’ll levitate. But can someone please carry my trunk for me?’

  The witch looked up, her eyes wid
e. ‘Fluffanora Brew!’ she cried. ‘Oh, I didn’t realise you were part of the documentary too.’ She levitated in the air and flicked her finger. ‘Let me take that trunk for you.’

  And up they went. The receptionist, Fluffanora and the gigantic trunk. Tiga tried to mumble the levitation spell but barely rose off the ground before falling back down again. She wasn’t good under pressure.

  ‘Allow me,’ Fran said through gritted teeth, clearly annoyed that Fluffanora was getting all the attention. And with that, Tiga and Lizzie Beast rose up high in a big puff of glittery dust to the fifth floor. They passed layers of witches floating about on floors crammed with clothes and boards covered in magazine pages – all laid out for the next issue.

  ‘The fifth floor,’ Fran shouted down to Lizzie Beast, who was floating slightly slower than the rest of them due to the weight of the camera, ‘IS WHERE DARCY DREAM’S OFFICE IS. SHE’S THE EDITOR AND DOES A VERY GOOD JOB THAT ONLY I COULD DO BETTER.’

  ‘Hello, Fran,’ Darcy Dream said, ushering them into a pristine white office.

  ‘Set up over there, Lizzie Beast,’ Fran said, pointing to the corner of the room.

  ‘I love your hair,’ Darcy Dream said. She was wearing a silver polo neck with an orange strappy dress over it and strings and strings of jam-red beads around her neck.

  ‘Why, thank you. I’ve had this beehive since I was born,’ Fran said. ‘All of it.’

  ‘Actually I meant her,’ Darcy Dream said, pointing at Lizzie Beast.

  Fran’s beehive flopped.

  Over in the corner of the room, Fluffanora pulled some skirts from the trunk and held them up to Tiga. ‘You need to look fashionable for this section of the documentary.’

  ‘I’m always fashionable!’ Tiga cried.

  ‘You need to be high fashion,’ Fluffanora said.

  ‘What does that even mean?’ Tiga asked.

  ‘It means wearing an outfit so unusual that people have no idea where you got it from. Plus it’s really weird in a cool way.’

  ‘Like you!’ Tiga said.

  ‘Funny,’ Fluffanora said as she threw the first skirt over her shoulder.

  ‘I’m glad you’re here. And Lizzie Beast. I would’ve gone completely mad on my own with Fran,’ Tiga said.

  ‘Obviously.’ Fluffanora flicked her finger and floated a line of tops in front of Tiga. ‘She’s a tiny menace.’

  ‘I wish Peggy was here,’ Tiga said. ‘I wonder what she’s doing.’

  ‘She’s doing nothing,’ Fluffanora said quickly. ‘Absolutely NOTHING. Nothing.’

  ‘Nothing?’ Tiga said, confused. ‘But she’s the Top Witch, she’s doing something.’

  ‘But it’s nothing secret or anything,’ Fluffanora said, flicking her finger again and changing Tiga’s clothes. She was in an electric-blue ankle-length skirt and fluffy white jumper with a chunky parrot charm necklace.

  ‘You’re being weird,’ Tiga said. She looked at her feet, which Fluffanora had clad in some sparkling purple shoes. ‘Every time I bring up Peggy, you –’

  ‘Sssh,’ Fluffanora said. ‘I’m trying to decide if those shoes are right for that outfit.’

  ‘You’re being weird,’ Tiga said again, crossing her arms.

  ‘WARDROBE!’ Fran roared. ‘I THINK WE CAN MAKE MY HAIR RED FOR THIS BIT, WHICH MEANS THE LITTLE STAR CHARM ACCESSORIES WILL CLASH NOW!’

  ‘Better go,’ Fluffanora said, darting across the room as quickly as she could.

  It wasn’t like her to bend easily to Fran’s demands, Tiga thought. She was acting very suspiciously …

  ‘THIS,’ Fran boomed, shattering Tiga’s thoughts, ‘is Darcy Dream, and she’s in an editorial meeting. In the editorial meeting, the Toad team discuss what they are going to put in the next issue of the magazine and Darcy Dream gets to say YES! NO! HORRIBLE RUBBISH WITCHES! I LIKE STRIPES! And things like that.’

  ‘Let’s make it all about hair,’ Darcy Dream said. ‘Her hair.’ She pointed to Lizzie Beast behind the camera.

  ‘I know the medium of film isn’t exactly your area,’ Fran whispered to her, ‘but you’re really not meant to point into the camera.’

  Darcy Dream glared at her.

  ‘I’ll let it go this once,’ Fran said, her nose in the air. ‘You are, after all, an amateur.’

  ‘NEXT UP IS THE FASHION CUPBOARD!’ Fran roared. ‘Created by Darcy Dream when she founded Toad magazine ages ago.’

  ‘And it grows bigger each year,’ Darcy Dream said, pointing into the camera again, this time, Tiga sus­pected, just to annoy Fran.

  ‘Finger,’ Fran said with a sigh.

  Tiga marched through the cupboard. The cupboard was hardly a cupboard at all – it was a gigantic room, even bigger than the first floor of Brew’s. Trendy witches levitated up high to rails, pulling clothes out and discussing them in hushed whispers.

  ‘I could see you working somewhere like this,’ Tiga said to Fluffanora.

  ‘I’m going to design the clothes,’ Fluffanora said. ‘One day witches will be picking my clothes from these racks.’

  ‘It’s Fluffanora,’ a levitating witch whispered.

  ‘Oh, cute – look, she’s got a notebook covered in Toad magazine clippings!’ said another.

  Tiga saw Fluffanora’s cheeks flush purple.

  ‘I bet the micro cat is in here,’ Fran whispered to Tiga. ‘I wonder where its office is … We can’t let it follow us out when we leave. We can’t have any more leaks.’

  Tiga nodded. ‘I’ll look out for it.’

  Fran hovered next to a witch with pink wooden glasses, slicked-back hair and silky black overalls.

  ‘How do you know which clothes to pick?’ Fran asked, sounding genuinely fascinated.

  The witch stared intently into the camera. ‘Either we pick good stuff. Or new stuff.’

  ‘Right,’ Fran said. ‘That makes sense. And what is the new cool thing this week?’

  The witch stared intently into the camera. ‘Either shoes with mushrooms printed on them or yellow everything.’

  ‘Yeah, this stuff isn’t that good,’ Fran said, pulling at a feathered black dress. ‘Plus it’s all too big for me. That’s enough of this section, Lizzie Beast. AND CUT!’

  Toad’s art department was their final stop with Darcy Dream. Tiga watched with amazement as witches floated around amongst all the pieces of the unfinished Toad magazine. The art director, Melly Marker, was putting some finishing touches to the latest issue’s cover – it featured the word TOAD covered in what looked a lot like Lizzie Beast’s hair.

  ‘Your hair is famous,’ Fluffanora said, nudging Lizzie Beast.

  ‘Yes, well,’ Fran mumbled jealously. ‘For one week. My hair has been famous for years.’

  Melly Marker turned to one of the assistants and shouted, ‘I think it needs to be yellow. Everything in fashion is yellow this week. Black hair, yellow for the Toad title.’

  The witch assistant nodded, and just like that, the Toad title was yellow.

  Melly Marker put her hands on her hips and stared intently at the cover.

  ‘What’s she doing?’ Fran whispered to Tiga.

  Tiga shrugged. ‘I think she might be trying to decide if she likes it.’

  ‘Can we make the yellow glow?’ Melly Marker asked. ‘I need it to glow.’

  One by one, the letters began to glow, in various shades of yellow.

  ‘Let’s go with vibrant sun yellow, definitely not that sand colour,’ Darcy Dream said. ‘Get it printed.’

  ‘And that,’ Fran said, turning to the camera, ‘is Darcy Dream. And this week her magazine is a glowing yellow beacon in this horrible snow-capped cold place full of evil witches that is known as Pearl Peak.’

  The entire office fell silent. Every witch in the room stared.

  ‘What?’ Fran said with a dismissive shrug. ‘Pearl Peak is where the evil witches live. Everyone knows that.’

  Tiga tried not to smile as everyone got back to work.

  ‘You know,’ Fluff
anora said. ‘You could make some fabulous party invites that look like Toad magazine.’

  ‘Quick,’ Fran hissed. ‘We need to leave now. I’ve got the micro cat – stashed in my beehive.’

  Five Things You Didn’t Know About Darcy Dream, by Tiga

  1.Her real name is Darcy Dragpit, but when she became editor of Toad magazine she changed it to Dream, to sound more friendly.

  2.Before she was editor, she wrote a column for Toad called SHOETASTROPHES, about shoes that she decided were catastrophes.

  3.She washes her hair with Cackleoo, the most expensive witch shampoo, containing actual bottled cackles from witches with great hair.

  4.An interviewer once asked her what she thought of fashion above the pipes. She said, ‘Not enough hats.’

  5.Her sister, Margot Dragpit, runs a small boutique in Pearl Peak called Dragpit’s Dresses. It is known for selling only black clothing, and illegal spells.

  How to Make Perfect Party Invites, Toad Magazine-Style

  WHAT YOU’LL NEED:

  •Coloured card

  •Scissors

  •An envelope

  •Colouring pens

  •Possibly a picture of your face

  HOW TO MAKE THEM:

  1.Cut a piece of card to invite size and fold in half.

  2.Cut two parallel slits on the folded side of the card.

  3.Fold up the tab and crease it.

  4.Open up the card and pop the tab so it’s popped up on the inside of the card.

  5.Design the inside of the card, writing all the important information: who you’re inviting, where it is, explain there will be cake and you really like presents (or don’t. Apparently this is OK if you’re a witch, but not as OK if you’re a human).

  6.It’s also tradition to make up a secret code to get into your party. Previous examples from Melinda Zing’s Witchoween parties include ‘wuddleup’, ‘TOES’ and ‘ni emoc nac uoy sey’, which is ‘yes you can come in’ backwards.

  7.Next, get a cool picture, or a picture of your face, and attach it to the popped-up tab with some glue. Now whoever opens the card will be greeted with a pop-up picture of your face!*

  * This party invitation idea was brought to you by Fran, who really likes her face.