Handfuls of Shattered Pieces

by Kerry Taylor

  “Hi.” I whispered back eventually.

  “I’m Evie. You’re Livia, right?”

  “Right.”

  “You’re really pretty.” She pointed at me as she spoke, looking very cute.

  “Thanks. You are too.”

  “Mom said I wasn’t to bother you, but I’m not bothering you, am I?”

  “No, it’s ok.” I agreed.

  “Good!” She declared, then she ran around the side of the bed and leapt up, plonking down right beside me. It surprised me, but I wasn’t afraid, which was a first.

  “I’m five. How old are you?” She asked as she studied me hard. I felt self conscious under her close scrutiny.

  “Seventeen.”

  “Are you going to be my sister? I have lots of brothers, but no sister…...yet.”

  “I…..I don’t know” I stuttered, “How about we be friends, f-for now?” I offered, not wanting to upset her. She thought hard for a minute, then smiled.

  “Ok, for now.” She agreed.Then she reached up and ran a finger over my chin. “What’s this?”

  I ran my own finger where hers had been and felt the scar left over from one of the times a beating had resulted in smashed glass, and I had landed chin down on a large shard. I pushed back the memory and focussed on the girl before me.

  “I cut it.” I said simply.

  “On what? It’s all white and shiny.” I had no idea what it actually looked like, since I dare not see myself in a mirror, but the scar was slightly raised and about an inch long from the bottom of my chin.

  “On some glass. It didn’t heal all the way. That’s why I have that line.”

  “Oh, like my knee! I hurt it riding my bike and Mommy said I have a scar now. You have a scar too?” She looked delighted with her realisation we matched. I nodded and she smiled brighter, if that was possible.

  “I need to tell Mommy we’re the same!” She cried as she scrambled down from the bed. She ran to the door, then stopped and turned back to me. “You should come too. Everyone wants to have dinner.”

  “You go. I’m coming.” I agreed with a nod. She smiled, then scampered off, leaving me to panic about dinner and the prospect of Xander’s whole family downstairs, waiting on me! They probably all thought I was a lazy ass, sleeping all afternoon.

  I hurried from the bed and to the closet, to grab clothes. I pulled on a pair of black jeans, a bra and a pink t-shirt, all of which had still had tags on. I grabbed socks, from the dresser, to cover my battered feet, then quickly redid my hair on top of my head. I hated to think I had them all waiting for me below so I moved as fast as I possibly could and I found it helped, because I didn’t have time to panic about meeting all of them.

  I left the room knowing I should have checked my appearance in a mirror, but still not feeling brave enough. I had to look better than I did earlier, that was for sure.

  I got halfway down the long staircase before the chatter of a lot of people below reached me. They were talking quietly, but even so, it was a lot for me to process. I stopped where I was and took a few deep breaths, telling myself I needed to do this, I needed to get to know these people if I wanted to have a home with them.

  “Livia!” Evies voice yelled, scaring me enough to jump. I looked down and found her at the foot of the stairs watching me, her hands on her hips. “Come on silly! Everyone’s waiting!”

  “Sorry,” I whispered as I slowly started to descend.

  “Evie, Mom told you to let Olivia be.” A deep voice said as footsteps approached. I looked down and saw Matt appear in the hall below.

  “Livia said I wasn’t bothering her!” Evie pouted, but Matt just gave her a playful shove and she ran off towards the lounge.

  Matt looked up the stairs to me as I neared the bottom. His eyes locked on mine and I knew, just knew, he was looking right into my soul.

  “Sorry. Take no notice of her. No one is waiting on you like that. We wanted you to sleep as much as you needed. You don’t need to hurry.” He said with a gentle smile.

  “I….I’m ok. I slept too long anyway.” I replied shyly.

  “It’s good that you slept. You needed the rest.”

  “The tea helped I think. Th-thank you. It was r-really good.”

  “It’s a special blend I get from the herbalist in the city. I’ll get more next time for you, if you like?” I nodded and for the first time in so long, I felt an easy smile raise my lips a little at his kindness.

  “Thankyou.” I added and he just nodded.

  “You want to come through and meet the rabble?” He asked, pointing behind him to the lounge. I was at the bottom now, stopped on the last step opposite him.

  “Rabble?”

  “My brothers. They’re all here, along with Simon. It gets kind of boisterous when we’re all together.”

  “Oh.” I was not ready for boisterous, but I knew I needed to get the meeting over with. Once I knew them all, it wouldn’t all be as terrifying.

  “You don’t have to go in there if it’s too much.” He added when I hesitated.

  “No…..I can go in. I’m ok.” I took one more deep breath, then dropped from the last step. I set off for the lounge and Matt kept step with me, just ever so slightly ahead of me. I found his nearness more of a comfort than a worry, which I assumed was progress, right?

  As soon as we stepped into the lounge, everyone turned from where they sat on the sofas and armchairs, to look. Eight sets of eyes, focussed on me. On instinct I reached out and grabbed the bottom of Matt’s blue button down in my hand, just as I had with Xander that morning. He looked at me, but didn’t say anything. He just took a side step closer to me and I held on to his shirt tighter, able to get a better hold on it.

  “Finally,” Evie cried, breaking the silence. “Can we please have dinner now?”

  “Evie, manners please.” Keira said with a hint of warning from where she sat on the sectional beside Grant.

  “But I said please!” Evie sulked.

  “How are you feeling sweetheart?” Xander asked as he stood and hurried over to where I had frozen in the doorway.

  “Better. The shower was good and I…..I slept.”

  “You look a lot better. Did you cut your hair?”

  “I had to. It was bad…..really bad.”

  “Come and sit down guys.” Grant urged, but the guys both stayed where they were, waiting for my cue.

  I nodded once and they both started moving into the seating area, staying either side of me. I still had a hold on Matt’s shirt and I knew I likely looked crazy doing it, but it helped. I don’t know why, maybe just the reassurance someone was with me and I wasn’t alone. Whatever it was, I wasn’t letting it go. Luckily Matt didn’t seem to mind.

  He led me over to an armchair in the corner, beside the open fireplace and I shakily sat, knowing all eyes were on me. Matt perched on the arm beside me, close enough so I could keep a hold of him and Xander moved to the sectional directly opposite me. He sat beside a handsome dark haired, mediterranean looking man who was smiling at me. He had dark eyes and a soft, warm face. He was dressed in a navy three piece suit that looked really expensive, his matching blue tie loosened and the top buttons of his crisp white shirt undone.

  “Olivia, this is my fiancè, Simon.” Xander introduced when he saw me looking.

  “Very glad to put a face to the name Olivia.” Simon greeted kindly. He seemed nice and I instantly thought he and Xander seemed like a good couple.

  “You too,” I replied.

  “Did you sleep well Honey?” Keira asked. I looked across at her with a smile and nodded.

  “Really well, thank you. I…...I think Matt’s magic tea helped.”

  “He has me on that too Olivia. It tastes like shit, but it works.” A raspy voice said. I turned quickly, looking for the owner and was met with a pair of burning amber eyes. He was staring right at me as he spoke, taking me in, just as I was him. He had a thin beard, more like heavy stubble and it accentuated his perfect bow shaped lips. He
had high cheekbones, almost pretty, but his body was a contradiction to that, all hard lines and rippling muscle. He had tattoos poking out from the short sleeves of his CPD t-shirt and when he reached up to push his messily wild hair from his eyes, the veins in his huge arms bulged. I had thought Cole was big, but this guy, he was even bigger, but in a much more scary looking way than Cole. I knew I should be scared of him. He could crush me like a bug, but I wasn’t and I had no idea why.

  “Language!” Keira reprimanded.

  “He has me on it too. Kade’s right. It does taste like shit Mom.” A second voice cut in, a laughter in his words. The second guy was sitting on the armchair in the other corner of the room opposite. He was tall, but much slimmer than the first. I could see well defined shoulders and biceps, but his waist was very trim. He had sandy blonde hair that was clipped close to his head and his eyes were crystal blue, like images of the ocean in foreign countries I had seen on TV as a kid. He was smiling as he spoke, but I saw pain behind that smile, pain I recognised, because I felt it too. He was wearing jeans and a black T-shirt with some kind of logo in the corner over his chest. Beneath the sleeve I saw a tattoo peaking, just a small one, not like the first guy. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. There was something dangerous about him, the hawk eyed way he was taking in everything around him.

  “Kyle! Small ears are present.” Keira pointed to Evie exaggeratedly as she spoke.

  “I liked it.” I said as loudly as I could, not wanting to hurt Matt’s feelings any more, when he went to so much trouble. Besides, I had liked it. It tasted good. My voice was little more than a grating whisper, but everyone was listening closely and heard.

  “Ignore them Carina. They just like to complain about anything they can.” Matt said with a smile.

  “Thanks man.”The second guy laughed, and I couldn’t help thinking he was really handsome when he smiled. “I’m Kyle by the way.” He added when he turned that beautiful smile my way.

  “And I’m Kade.” The first one said. I looked at him and he was smiling softly too. Yep, definitely something in the water!

  “Hey.” I whispered lamely, knowing they were waiting for me to say something.

  “Do you see it Mommy? It’s just like mine, right?” Evie said excitedly as she jumped from her Mom’s lap and ran toward me, pointing at my face.

  Xander intercepted her as she ran past him, sweeping her up in his arms and dumping her on his lap. She squealed as he lifted her high, then swung her down.

  “What are you pointing at half pint? Don’t you know it’s rude to point?” Xander asked as he juggled her up and down on his knee, making her laugh hysterically.

  “But Livia’s my friend, so she doesn’t mind, right?” Evie looked at me with so much hope and excitement. I used to be like her once, surrounded by love, with no cause to ever worry about a thing. My days were filled with happiness and fun, my biggest concern which ice cream to pick after dinner at night. I had forgotten that version of me for a long time, but sat there, looking at that innocent little child, it all came back and tears built in my eyes at the thought of the childhood I had been robbed of. I could never get that back. It was gone. No, not just gone. It had been ripped from me and replaced by pain, torture and so much lonliness.

  “Livia?” Evie pushed, the smile dropping rapidly as she waited for my answer. I quickly took a breath and wiped my eyes quickly with the back of my hand.

  “Absolutely we are.” I replied enthusiastically, plastering the best smile I could across my face. “We….we’ve even got the s-scars to prove it, huh?” I added when she still looked unsure. I was weird and awkward, I knew it, but I could push past it to make that little girl smile again.

  “Yep!” She finally smiled wide again. “See, I told you Xander!”

  “Oh, you did, did you?” Xander flipped her onto her back on top of his knee and began to tickle her mercilessly. She laughed and squealed loudly as she fought to escape and it was more than I could handle. Every time she squealed excitedly I heard my own screams that first night in The Darkness. It had been the most terrifying night of my life, the minute any shreds of the child I had been before were torn from me, along with my voice.

  I pulled on Matt’s shirt and he looked to me instantly, with concern, as did the other four guys too.

  “Bathroom?” I asked hurriedly. The squeals had quietened down, but not in my head. In my head reruns of my own terrorised screams were playing over and over and I was breaking into a sweat.

  “I’ll show you, ok?” Matt asked as he stood slowly. I nodded and kept a tight hold on him as he moved past everyone and out of the room.

  He walked me past the kitchen and through a door in the back, which looked to lead into a utility room.

  “The bathroom’s right there.” He said as he pointed to a door that went off of the utility. As I moved to go in, he stopped me with a hand held just shy of touching my shoulder. I froze and looked up to him, only to see those deep soulful eyes filled with pain. “But please don’t go in there if it’s because you’re feeling anxious or upset. You don’t have to hide any of that Carina, not from us, and especially not from me. I know you don’t really know any of us, but we’re here for you. You are not alone anymore. You never need to be alone again now you have all of us.”

  His words were spoken gently, and calmly, but they rang so very true. It was like he was making a pledge to me, his eyes never leaving mine as he spoke.

  For a second I panicked looking down to my feet nervously, unsure what to do with that information. Did I even want this random new family? I had a family, once upon a time, a wonderful loving family. Now they were gone, wasn’t it wrong to replace them? And if I did, how did I know that I could actually trust these people? I felt like they were good. I had searched each of their faces for the Evil I was sure I would know well, and found none, but was I a reliable judge? I was a kid last time I was in the real world, a young kid who had been sheltered and protected from the evil within it.

  I looked up to Matt again and as soon as I saw his eyes, the understanding in them, the need in his face to help, and the tense set of his body for me to let him in, I knew none of my stupid thoughts mattered. I just knew he got me. My own feelings were reflected in his eyes and I knew if anyone was going to understand my fears, anxieties and insecurities it was him. He wasn’t asking me to turn to him for some sick game or malicious purpose. He, like everyone I met that day, simply wanted to help, to be there for me and it was the revelation I needed to let go.

  A sob burst out of me, as though it had been trapped there waiting to burst free for 2928 days. It was so violent it stole my breath from me and I just flopped forward into Matt, hoping he would just hold me and prove I really wasn’t alone.

  Great heaving sobs kept on coming as Matt wrapped me tightly in his arms, holding me to his front. I just let it all out, all of the pain I had felt in those flashbacks of that first night. I cried for the childhood I now realised I would never get to live and the time with my Mom and Dad I had lost all because of The Shadow.

  “It’s ok Olivia. I’ve got you.” Matt soothed gently as he just held me tight and let me be.

  Time passed, I don’t know how much, but I was there a while, unable to stop the tears once they had started. After a while my legs began to tremble, exhausted. Matt must have realised, because he picked me up, lifting me clear off the ground without rearranging me. He sat on the floor in the utility room, tucking me into his front, on his lap. I settled there, the heat of his body all around me, soothing me and reassuring me I was safe, not on that cold damp floor, all alone.

  Eventually I had tired myself out too much to cry anymore. My eyes were stinging and Matt’s beautiful shirt was drenched with my tears. I took some deep breaths to try and re-centre, and when I finally did, I looked up into the face of pure patience and understanding.

  “Hey.” He said softly, a lazy half smile lighting his face.

  “Hey.” I replied, a little embarrassed I had comp
letely gone into meltdown all over him. He barely knew me.

  “Feel any better?”

  “Yes, thank you. I’m really s-sorry. I just…...Evie, those noises. It brought back bad memories and I couldn’t st-stop them.”

  “You don’t need to be sorry, or explain. Just know that if you need me, I’m here for you, anytime. If you want to talk, or you just want me to be with you while you fall apart, anything Carina. I’ve been where you are and I got through it with the help of this amazing family. You can too.”

  “But…..well, what if I can’t?” I asked through my last sniffles.

  “You can. I know you can, and deep down, you do too.”

  “How do you know, Matt?”

  “Because you, like me, survived hell. We escaped that, we can overcome anything.” His words were intense, but true. What I survived had been some kind of Hell. What could life possibly give me that could be worse?

  “Matt?” The door from the kitchen swung open and Xander popped his head around, looking down at us and studying me with worry.

  “We’re good Xand.” Matt told him, his eyes not leaving mine.

  “Livy?” Xander asked and I looked up to him and smiled, a genuine hint of a smile anyway.

  “I’m ok. Tired.”

  “Maybe you should head up and rest for a while? You look exhausted?”

  “Good idea. Tell the others to get dinner without us. I’ll help Olivia up to her room.” Matt agreed.

  “No.” I said firmly. They had all made the effort to come to dinner to meet me, the whole family, and so far all I had done was run away. I needed to try. Matt was right, I wasn’t as weak as I felt. I had escaped The Darkness, and him. I had gotten a life back. It may not be the one I left, but I needed to grab it anyway and make sure I found a way to own it. “I’m ok. I w-want to have dinner.”

  “Are you sure? You’re really shaky?” Matt asked quietly. He was right, I was shaking a lot, but it was nothing new.