Handfuls of Shattered Pieces

by Kerry Taylor

  “I’m sure…..I want to meet everyone.”

  “Ok. We’re all in the dining room when you’re ready.” Xander and Matt shared some silent eye contact talk, then both nodded and Xander left. In just the time I had been with them all, it had become very apparent the brothers were all very close. They seemed to speak to each other without words, and their closeness had been clear to see, even in only the few minutes I had been with them all.

  “You ready to go out there?” Matt asked after a moment of silence.

  “I guess.”

  “You don’t have to Olivia. No one will be mad or disappointed if you just head up to bed. We all know you need time.”

  “But I will. I’ll b-be mad. I need to try…...I need this. I c-can’t be alone.” I admitted.

  “No matter what, you will never be alone. You are stuck with this crazy family now. We all look out for each other, always.” I took a deep breath and nodded, not wanting to speak, for fear more tears would escape.

  I wanted that- people to look out for me, and who, in time, I could be there for, too.

  “Come on. I made you more soup.” He urged and he grabbed me like I weighed nothing and jumped to his feet in one movement. He carefully set me down on the ground and I held onto his forearms as I got my wobbly feet underneath me, then nodded to tell him I was good. I knew I was likely a real state, from the crying, but since I was still too chicken to look in the mirror, there was little I could do.

  “I am hungry.” I told him, as my stomach gurgled loudly.

  “Good. I made you a thicker beef broth this time. It will fill you more than earlier”

  “Thank you…..for the food, and the tea.”

  “It’s nothing Olivia. I just want to see you happy and healthy.”

  “Me too.” I sighed. Matt threw his arm over my shoulders and led me through the house to the large dining table we had sat at earlier that day. It was all set up for dinner, with beautiful flowers in the centre and set with 10 sets of shiny dinnerware.

  “Livia!” Evie cried as soon as she saw me, causing everyone to turn and look. While Xander studied my shaking body with worry, the guys all started looking from me to each other and to Matt, nodding and making faces to each other.

  “S-sorry…...if I held dinner up.” I whispered, wanting them all to stop worrying.

  “As long as you’re ok Olivia, that’s all that matters?” Grant said with a smile from where he sat at the top of the circular table.

  “I am, th-thank you.”

  “Come sit down Livy.” Xander pulled the chair beside him out and Matt walked me around to it, holding my hand as I shakily lowered into the seat.

  “I’ll grab dinner now we’re all here.” Keira said as she stood. Grant followed her into the kitchen while Evie started talking a million miles a minute to Simon, who sat beside her.

  “I’ll get you some soup, unless you want to try Keira’s meatloaf?” Matt asked. He was standing beside me, his hand still on my shoulder comfortingly.

  “Soup sounds good. Thank you.” He nodded, then turned and headed into the kitchen too.

  “I’m sorry about earlier. I should have realised Evie was going to get loud.” Xander said as he leant into me.

  “She’s five. We can’t expect her to stay quiet. I…..I’ll get used to it. It will b-be ok.” I told him, and myself firmly.

  “Yes sweetheart. It will be.” He agreed with a smile.

  “You’re so lucky Olivia. Matt has been making that soup all afternoon and it smells amazing. I wish I was having it instead of Mom’s dry meatloaf!” Cole whispered across the table to me, a mischievous smile on his face.

  “No Shit! She almost killed me with that turkey at thanksgiving! It was dry as fuck. I damn near choked.” Kade added, making me smile a little with his dramatics.

  “Why’s she cooking anyway? She said never again after thanksgiving?” Kyle asked.

  “She wanted to give Matt time to meet Olivia, apparently. I think she’s punishing us for something.” Kade said.

  “You guys are terrible. Her cooking’s really not that bad.” Xander defended.

  “He would say that. He could burn water.” Simon cut in. The guys all laughed at Xander’s shocked face and I couldn’t help but smile too.

  “You’re hardly Michelin star yourself!” Xander threw back.

  “Don’t get all pissy. It’s ok. I’m not with you for your culinary skills”

  Xander opened his mouth to reply, but Keira walked in with huge platters filled with meat and vegetables. She placed them in the middle of the table.

  “Pass those down please Honey.” She said as she handed Simon a huge stack of plates. He started handing them out as Keira told them all to dig in. I had to stifle my laugh as they all collectively groaned quietly.

  “I saw that smirk Liv!” Cole said, playfully.

  Matt came up behind me, appearing on my right side. He placed a bowl of steaming soup in front of me. It was thicker and looked to have tiny vegetable pieces in it. It smelled amazing and my stomach rumbled in response.

  “Try that. It’s ok if it’s not good though. I have soup from earlier that I can reheat for you.” He said kindly, then took the seat beside me.

  “It smells r-really good.” I told him, with a smile, then I couldn’t help but glance at the guys who were all staring at me with longing looks.

  I took a spoonful, and groaned in delight. I couldn’t hold it in. The soup tasted amazing, a flavour explosion in my mouth and I was suddenly ravenous.

  When I glanced up the guys were eating their meal, with little enthusiasm.

  “This is sooooo good Matt.” I enthused, glancing up to the guys a little to see their reactions. It felt good to act like a child, to tease and laugh. I had forgotten just how good it was for a person’s soul.

  At first they all just stared at me, as if trying to decide if I was making my comment for their benefit. They obviously didn’t think I was capable of joking around, but I was. As a kid I had always loved to make people laugh, idolising my dad who was a complete prankster. We used to set my mom up all of the time, but she never got mad, we’d all just end up rolling around in laughter afterwards.

  “Oh I see how it is!” Cole declared after a moment, then started laughing. Kade and Matt were laughing too, as Kyle pointed at me with his fork, a huge smile on his face.

  “You’re going to be trouble, aren’t you?” He asked jokingly.

  “That she is Ky, that she is.” Xander agreed between chuckles.

  It felt good, to be a part of something, even if it was just part of a joke, for a few moments. It gave me this warm feeling of family, and that feeling was enough to overpower some of the darkness that ran through my veins, and give me a moment of light for the first time since I was grabbed that morning so many years ago.

  CHAPTER 7

  I leapt awake again, for the third time. This time I was sweating, my PJ’s completely soaked through and my hands were shaking wildly. I had been trapped in another nightmare and it had taken everything in me to tear myself from it and back to reality. It seemed every time I closed my eyes I was back in The Darkness, back to feeling his boots smashing against bones, his hands gripping my neck, his knife touching my skin. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t let myself go back there. It was only four AM, but I decided I had slept enough. I wasn’t strong enough to have another nightmare. I was holding on by a thread as it were.

  As I lay, gasping for breath and trying to calm myself down, I realised it may have been a good idea to accept one of the offers the guys had all made to stay with me in my room that first night.

  They had all been so nice at dinner, making me laugh as they told stories about when they were kids, and checking if I needed or wanted anything constantly. Matt and Xander both stayed close all night and we all had fun. I ate Matt’s soup, which I loved, and felt better for it, then Cole managed to convince me to try a little ice cream afterwards. It too had been good, so good. I had forgotten
how much I loved sugar of any kind.

  After dinner I was exhausted, but I followed everyone into the lounge and sat on the sofa between Xander and Matt as we all watched the Disney movie Evie was desperate for me to see. At first I had maintained a gap between the guys and me, but as the movie went on, Xander cuddled into Simon, who sat at his other side. Feeling exhausted I started to drop off and found myself drooping toward Matt as sleep tried to claim me. I kept on startling myself awake every time my head touched his chest, and sitting up with an apology, but Matt put an end to that after the third time, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and leading me to lie down with my head resting on his hard chest. He kept an arm around me, surrounding me with his heat as he had earlier and I just felt so safe and cocooned, that I allowed myself to relax. I knew it was weird. He was practically a stranger and just hours before I had been terrified of him, of all of them, but that had changed. I didn’t know what they did or said, but something had made me know, without doubt, all of the people in that room, that huge family, were safe. I felt comfortable with them, at least on a basic level. I wasn’t sure I was ready to go and hug Kade, Kyle or Cole, but I was happy to be close to them and could try and talk with them. Keira and Grant had been nothing but kind and welcoming and I felt they wanted me there, which was a huge comfort. Simon had been great too, keeping a distance from me, but trying hard to chat and get to know me. He was a good man, it was easy to see, and I really liked him. And Matt and Xander had somehow become my stability in the storm. I felt most comfortable with them, needing them close whenever the dark thoughts started to seep into my mind as they often did.

  All of the guys had offered to stay with me once the movie finished and I decided I should go to bed. I had slept on Matt for the last half of it, and had been more settled than I ever remembered being.

  I had really wanted Matt or Xander to stay with me, almost said, ‘yes please’, but Xander didn’t even live there, and he should go home with Simon, and Matt, I just felt this need to protect from my hell. When I assured him I would be fine, all I was thinking was if he heard me crying out, and begging for it to stop in my sleep, it would bring back memories for him, that I did not want him to have to relive. So I simply thanked them all, assured them I’d be fine and went up to the beautiful, but very lonely room, alone.

  That had been at nine PM and since then I had been tossing and turning, then every time I did drop off, I woke up shortly after in the grips of terror.

  Frustrated with my own weakness, I threw the comforter back violently and stormed out of bed. I needed to get it together, find a way to deal with what had happened and move the hell on. I wasn’t a little girl trapped in the dark anymore. I needed to find the new, hopefully stronger, version of me, whoever she was.

  I stripped off my PJs and took a quick shower, relishing the luxury of the clean, hot water once more. I knew for most people it was an everyday task that they took for granted, but I knew I would never do that. Being able to wash anytime I wanted or needed would always be a precious gift to me.

  Once I stepped out, I contemplated looking in the mirror, actually seeing who I was, but I just couldn’t. I was so scared the girl looking back at me would be a complete stranger. I felt disconnected enough, I wasn’t sure I could handle seeing a stranger look back at me in the mirror.

  Like the coward it seemed I was, I quickly brushed my teeth, then left the bathroom, the mirror still steamed, and headed to the closet. I pulled out another pair of the soft jeans that sat in a pile on the shelf, these ones black, and a grey hooded sweater with a tiny logo in the corner of the chest. They looked as though they would be comfortable and since I was exhausted and in for a long day, I figured comfort would be good.

  I dressed quickly and ran a hairbrush through my badly cut hair. Seeing the oddly cut lengths over my shoulders, I knew there was no way I could leave it down, so quickly gathered it into a messy bun and pinned it there. It would do, I decided.

  By the time I was ready for the day, it was almost five AM and I knew no one else would be up yet. It was an ungodly hour to be up and ready.

  I decided to head downstairs and maybe find something to read. I had loved to read as a child, always with a book in my hand if I needed to entertain myself. It had been so long since I was able to get lost in some wild character’s adventures and I wanted that. I needed to find a way to escape my head for a while.

  I tiptoed down the hall and then down the long staircase. The house was completely silent and I hated it. Silence had been all that surrounded me for so long, it had been nice the day before, to constantly be surrounded by the constant buzz of conversation and laughter. The silence just made me feel alone again.

  I got to the kitchen and filled a glass of water, taking a moment to appreciate the fact I was able to do that simple task. To have the freedom to just go to a faucet and fill a glass with clean, cold water was amazing.I could stand there and drink gallons if I wanted to. It seemed crazy after so many years of laying on the ground, desperate for just a drop to wet my agonisingly dry mouth.

  “Never again.” I whispered to myself, shaking away the memory. I was free, I had a home. I would never feel that crippling desperation again. I wouldn’t let it happen.

  I took the glass of water and headed past the lounge and into the hall, then through a door on the right which Matt had told me led to a gym, an office and a large media room. I walked quietly, peering in the door to the gym first. It was a large room with a huge TV on one wall and a ton of machines and weights against the other walls. It had a shiny tile floor and smelled of lemons. I imagined all of the guys working their asses off in there, building those huge muscles they all had, getting all sweaty and gross.

  Squirming at strange new feelings I didn’t recognise, I closed the door and moved down the wide hall to the next. It was the media room, I guessed. There was a huge screen on the front wall and two sectionals facing it. There were game consoles on the floor in front, and in the back corner sat an air hockey and a pool table. The room was huge and had wide doors that lead out to the garden. I took a step in, thinking there may be books in there, then stopped when I heard snoring. The room was barely lit, just a small lamp beside the smaller sectional, but as I stepped closer I saw Kade, sprawled awkwardly in the corner, fast asleep. He was still dressed in his jeans and CPD shirt and his hair was sticking up even more wildly than earlier. There was a backpack at his feet and he had papers on the table before him and on the sofa around him.

  I turned to leave him, not wanting to wake him when he looked so settled, but stopped when one of the papers caught my eye. It was an entire sheet literally packed with tiny numbers and letters, rows and rows of them typed in tiny writing. It was the numbers that had caught my attention though, I had loved number puzzles once, and this one looked insane.

  I picked the sheet up from where it sat beside Kade and studied it. It was hard to see the tiny font in the dark, but it seemed the numbers formed a decreasing pattern, shrinking smaller and smaller to a last number. There were a ton of those on the sheet, mixed between random letters and symbols.

  Feeling excited to do something challenging I took the puzzle from Kafe and quietly left the room. Next door I found an amazing office with walls lined with rows and rows of books, but that interest was forgotten as I studied the puzzle in my hand excitedly.

  A huge desk sat before the window and I distractedly took a seat behind it, pulling the tiny cord to turn on the desk lamp. I found a lined legal pad and pen at the side of the immaculately tidy desk and set to work on the puzzle.

  My mind flared up like a fire that had been sat, just waiting to be lit for so long. Maths had been my solace in The Darkness. I had spent hour after hour mentally running through times tables, number sequences, square roots, equations and so much more. Over the years what had started out as something I had a definite acuity for, had turned into almost an obsession for me, but I hadn’t had a puzzle like the one before me in so long. The numbers swirled
in my head as I worked through the patterns to decipher the lowest numbers for each section. My hand wrote wildly as I worked through the complicated codes. I was engrossed, lost in numbers as I used to be as a child. It was a peaceful heaven I had forgotten I used to be able to retreat to, for fun, not just to escape fear. There had been no peace in The Darkness. Math would get me through the darkest hours, but it had become a necessity there, something to keep me focussed and alive.

  Sat in that office, working that puzzle simply because I wanted to, it reminded me of what it had once been like to have a happy place, and I slipped back into it so easily.

  When I was finished I was left with 18 single digit numbers. It had taken me an hour to decipher the codes and work down the patterns. I had been fully engrossed. Needing to keep going and feel the release the numbers gave me, I looked through the puzzle again, trying to make sense of the numbers and symbols that remained. I quickly realised they formed equations, with a simple letter to number cipher that denoted the numbers needed, and the 18 numbers I found previously were the main constant in each equation.

  I started writing them all out, page after page of equations and my workings for each beneath. I was completely lost to the magic of the numbers then, working out each section and writing the final figures on a seperate sheet.

  “Olivia? You ok Carina?” Matt’s voice came from nowhere, completely startling me from the writing I had been engrossed in. I looked up with a squeak, and found him standing before me on the other side of the desk. He was dressed in grey shorts that reached his knees and a tight black tee, his hair in disarray. At some point the sun had come up around me, now shining brightly through the window. I looked at the clock on the desk, confused, and was shocked to find it was after nine. I had been so engrossed I had zoned out completely.

  “Hey Matt.” I greeted, trying to pull myself back to reality.

  “What are you doing in here? Couldn’t sleep?” He asked.