Handfuls of Shattered Pieces

by Kerry Taylor

  “What is it Liv, what’s nothing?” I asked, desperate to comfort her in some way.

  “S’all gone.” She whispered, sounding slurred.

  “What has?”

  “Everything…….me…….I’m all gone……..no parents…...no home…….n-nothing.” She slurred slowly. I looked to her, seeing her devastation and wished like hell there was something I could do to shoulder her pain. “Why Kyle? I kept going…..kept fighting and letting him…...oh God!” She whimpered and I reached out and took her frozen hand in mine. “Why? There’s nothing left…..I’m alone. I sh-should have d-died.”

  “Do not say that. You lived for a reason Olivia. You may not see it yet, but you will in time. And you are not alone. You have us. All of us. We love you and we need you as much as you need us. You complete us guys, give us a piece that was missing. If you’d have died you’d have taken our missing pieces with you.”

  “No……s’not true…...not good enough…..not for any of you…..dirty…...I…..I’m damaged.”

  She was crying and her words were barely coming out between sobs, but I caught enough to know I wasn’t getting through to her, not in the state she was in. Instead I squeezed her hand, just trying to reassure her I was with her.

  “You will always have me Princess, no matter what. I will always take care of you. You’re not alone, you never will be.” I promised, hoping it got through to her somehow, then focused on getting us back home as quickly as I could.

  She seemed to deflate at that promise, stopped fighting and just let herself settle in the seat, her head becoming heavy and falling to rest on my thigh as she flopped down across the seat. Panicked I moved my hand to her stomach and felt for it moving with each breath, Thankfully it was, and the breaths seemed regular, if a little slow.

  I kept my hand there the entire way home, needing to feel her breathing to keep my cool enough to get her back. She scared the shit out of me that night and I would never let her be in danger like that again. I had to keep her closer, we all did. She was becoming way too important to all of us. It would destroy my entire family if anything happened to her, but especially my brothers. I couldn’t let that happen, not to them and not to her.

  OLIVIA

  “Olivia, Honey? Can you hear me?” I was pretty sure it was Keira, but it sounded like she was standing at the end of a long tunnel, her voice all tinny and echoing around my head. “Open your eyes for me now, sweet girl.” She encouraged. My entire body ached, and for one awful second I panicked that The Shadow had hurt me, that everything had been a dream, and I was still there.

  In a panic I forced my eyes open, the effort taking way too much energy. Finally I got them open and found Keira right before me, her face only a few inches from mine. She was there and she was real. I wasn’t back in The Darkness. I was safe. I glanced around quickly, realising I was in my room at their home, tucked into the bed.

  “Hey.” I whispered, my voice barely coming out. She smiled, but it was an effort for her. She looked stressed out and so worried, her eyes red and puffy as though she had been crying.

  “Hi Honey. You gave me a real scare, you know that?” Her voice broke halfway through and I knew she was crying. Did I do that? Did I scare her? Everything seemed blurry in my brain and I couldn’t remember what had happened past being at the mall with the guys that morning.

  “The guys?” I asked. Were they all ok? Had we had an accident of some kind? Panic rose within me as I fought to remember. If anything had happened to any of them…..

  “We’re all here, Love. You’re ok. You’re home and you’re safe.” Kade said as he stepped forward. I looked behind him and checked over each of the four guys, but they all seemed unscathed.

  “It hurts.” I admitted as I tried to move a little and couldn’t.

  “Xander is on his way. Until he gets here we need to get you warmed up. You’re too cold.”

  “Cold?” I didn’t feel cold….I just felt pain, lots of aching pain.

  “Body heat is the quickest method.” Grant’s voice said and I looked up and found him standing behind his wife. His suit jacket was gone and his shirt was untucked and badly rumpled. He looked like he’d been through hell. “Olivia, would you be ok with Keira or one of the guys getting into bed with you, hugging you to get your body temp up?”

  I barely nodded once before all four of the guys were shucking their coats and moving to the bed. Kyle and Matt reached me first, one on either side. They slid under the comforter I lay under, fully dressed, and both wrapped their huge arms around me tightly. Kade and Cole climbed in behind them and I felt their hands touching my waist too. I had no idea how they all fit in my bed when they were each as built as they were, but they did it and it was comforting to feel them with me.

  “I meant one of you.” Grant grumbled, but I was glad they had all climbed in.

  “It’s ok.” I whispered. I looked to Matt, who faced me. He smiled, but I saw the tense set of his jaw.

  “Wh-what happened?” I asked.

  “That doesn’t matter for now Carina. Just rest and let us get you warm.”

  But it mattered to me. Last time I had blacked out and lost hours, I was found covered in blood that wasn’t my own. Had that happened again, had I hurt someone or lost my mind? Was I really insane?

  “Matt…..I’m scared.” I admitted tearfully.

  “There is nothing to be scared of, beautiful girl. We’re all here and we have you, always. You’re safe and you’re home. The rest can wait.” Cole said from where I could see him over Matt’s shoulder.

  “He’s right, Love. Just rest for us, ok?” Kade agreed and I felt what I guessed was his hand, squeeze slightly on my waist.

  I tried to fight the fatigue, but I was exhausted and just felt so safe with all of them close, holding me. In that moment, no idea what had happened or what I had done, suddenly none of it mattered, because with the four of them at my side, I felt brave and whole, even if just for a little while.

  ***

  I startled awake only a short time later, my body trembling uncontrollably and scaring me to hell. I looked around frantically and found Kyle before me and Kade over his shoulder.

  I looked over to them with wide eyes, trying to assess what was happening. My first thought was it was adrenaline, surging into me because there was danger, but after a second I realised I was freezing, so much so I was shivering uncontrollably, my teeth chattering.

  “You’re alright Princess. It’s your body kicking in, trying to warm you up. It’s a good thing.” Kyle explained hurriedly.

  “I-It d-oesn’t f-feel g-good.” I replied, barely able to form words with how badly my teeth chattered.

  “He’s right sweetheart. It will pass soon.” I looked up and found Xander leant down over me. He was dressed in slacks and white shirt, both of which looked as though he’d had them on for days. His hair was wild and he had rings beneath his eyes.

  “Xander. Y-you look s-so tired.” I said with worry as I studied him harder.

  “I dare say I do. You scared ten years off my life today Livy.” He looked more worried than mad, but there was definitely anger there.

  “I’m s-sorry.”

  “Xand, lay off. She doesn’t even remember what happened yet.” Kyle growled as he held me against him even tighter. I could feel Matt’s hard body behind me and I realised I had turned around at some point.

  “Here, more blankets and I warmed some wheat bags too.” Keira declared as she hurried in with the pile of blankets from the lounge and two purple wheat bags. “How are you Honey?” She asked as she handed Kade the bags and started opening the folded blankets and laying them over the comforter.

  “C-cold.” I replied.

  “Boys, can’t you get closer? She needs more heat.” Keira snapped.

  “Cole, do not move any closer to me man. We’re already waaay too close.” Matt growled, making me smile a little.

  “I….I’m ok g-guys. You d-don’t h-have to stay.” I stuttered, hopin
g secretly they wouldn’t up and leave even though I offered them the out.

  “We’re not going anywhere Carina. You’re stuck with all of us.” Matt whispered and I got the impression he meant for longer than it took me to warm up. I could live with that.

  “I can help!” Evie cried and before anyone could react she ran into the room and threw herself right onto the centre of the bed, on top of me.

  Kyle managed to catch her and take some of the weight, but I still let out a loud grunt in pain.

  “Evie no! What are you thinking? Olivia is sick. You just hurt her.” Grant scolded as he reached over to Kyle and grabbed her.

  “Are you ok?” Matt asked as he rubbed a hand up my side, as if checking for injury.

  “F-fine. I just w-wasn’t ex-pecting it.”

  “I just wanted to help Livia!” Evie pouted, looking devastated.

  “I….I’m ok Evie. Don’t g-get upset.” I pleaded.

  “But I want to cuddle too. I was scared….I thought I lost my sister!” She cried and I saw a tear run down her cheek.

  “Oh Honey. C-come on. You c-can cuddle too.” It hurt, but I lifted my arm and held it out to her. Kyle lifted the comforter, weighed down with countless blankets, and helped Grant settle Evie beside me, on top of him. I moved my arm around her waist and squeezed her in a hug. “You’re n-not going t-to lose me.” I whispered as I kissed her head.

  “Promise?” She asked as she looked up at me with those big blue eyes filled with tears.

  “Promise.” I agreed. She wrapped her little arm around my neck and held on tight and I knew that in that moment she had repaired a small part of me somewhere inside. We created a true bond in that moment, something real and forever. She was my family and there was nothing I would not do for her.

  Xander leant in and took my temperature then, running a digital thermometer across my forehead.

  “Better. It’s going up. The shivering will ease soon, but you’re going to be achy and have a headache for a day or so.” He warned.

  “I’ve h-handled worse.” I replied flippantly, then dared not look around me at the guy’s reactions to my comment. I hadn’t meant to say that.

  “If you can, get some sleep. You need the rest and you’ll feel much better for it.” Xander added, letting me off the hook.

  “Come on munchkin. Let’s go watch TV and let Olivia have some sleep.” Grant said as he reached his arms out for her.

  “You promise you won’t run away again Livia?” She asked as she looked up to me with worry.

  Run away? And then I remembered running through the gates, the guys yelling after me. It all came back, the mall and restaurant, Kelly, and the reporters. I remembered going to my home, and there being nothing of what it once was, left. It was all gone, everything that once made up my existence, all gone. I remembered collapsing in the garden, but that was the last thing.

  “I wasn’t running a-away Evie. I like it h-here, with all o-of you. I just…...I had a really b-bad day and I panicked. It w-was so silly of m-me to run like I did though. It was d-dangerous and I…..I worried everyone.” I told her firmly, not wanting her to think it was ok to bolt everytime things got tough. I had been so selfish to do what I did, especially when I knew the guys were worried about The Shadow coming back for me. “I promise you s-sweetie, I w-will not leave you.”

  “Good, cause I really need a sister, with all of these boys!” She pointed around her with the attitude I knew so well, making me smile. She was just too cute.

  “Don’t worry. I g-got your back.” I whispered, making her smile even wider. She kissed my cheek, then jumped from Kyle into her Dad’s waiting arms, making Kyle grunt in the process.

  “Rest now Olivia. We won’t be far if you need anything.” Grant told me. He wrapped his free arm around his wife, his daughter held in the other and left the room, closing the door behind him.

  Xander pulled the chair from my dressing table over to the bedside and sat down.

  “I’m staying for a while to keep an eye on you.” He said firmly, before plopping down in it exhaustedly.

  “I’m so s-sorry guys.” I said as loudly as I could. My voice had improved over the last few days, but it seemed it would always have a rasp to it and I still struggled talking at times. This seemed like one of those times. “I meant what I j-just said. I wasn’t r-running away. I just…..I was scared a-nd upset. I just needed space. I never m-meant to cause all th-this trouble.”

  “Liv, you are almost an adult. No one here is really going to try and tell you what to do. We just want to keep you safe and running off like that, when we don’t know where your kidnapper is, was really dangerous.” Kyle began, his voice gentle, but with a touch of firmness, letting me know I had made him mad acting as I had. “If you need space, then you just tell us and we’ll do everything we can to see you get it, but safely. I don’t know if you noticed, but we all care about you a fuck of a lot princess. We’d be broken if anything happened to you, all of us.”

  Cole, Kade and Matt pressed their hands against my body where they held me, in agreement and when I looked to Xander he nodded and smiled too. I had thought they all cared about me before, they all tried too hard to look out for me to let me doubt it, but seeing their worry when I opened my eyes that day, and the state of Xander, Keira and Grant too, even Evie, it affirmed those thoughts for me. They did all care about me and wanted me to be there with them.

  It helped ease the pain from earlier, at the realisation my past was gone completely. My hopes to get my life back, to see my parents and sleep in my home, to just be me again, it was all gone. But there, with the guys and a family who cared for me, there was a new hope, hope for a future I had no plans for. It would be scary and uncertain, especially with the darkness of the past hanging over me, but it was there and I needed to grab on while I could.

  “I know, because I’d feel the s-same if anything happened to one of you. You guys, a-all of you, I c-care for you too.”

  “Just sleep now, beautiful. You’re exhausted. We’re going to stay with you.” Cole said and I felt his hand brush down my cheek, sweeping away wild strands of hair, his touch so gentle, as always.

  I closed my eyes as he continued to soothe me with his gentle strokes on my cheek and within minutes, maybe even seconds, I was out.

  COLE

  “Her temp is back to normal and her vitals seem steady. I’m going to head out.” Xander declared. It was late into the night, just after two AM. We had all laid with her for an hour after she dropped off, then it just got too hot and crowded, so we decided to take it in turns to lay with her instead. Matt was currently beside her and Kade and Kyle were laid out on blankets on the floor. They were supposed to be sleeping, but they daren’t. I knew because I was the same. I needed eyes on her, to know she was safe.

  An hour into the search for her that night, I was sure we had fucked up, and she had been taken by that psycho kidnapper. Matt and I had both been in pieces, sure we had lost her for good and I knew if we had, not one of us, me and my brothers, would survive it; Xander, because she had become family to him, and the rest of us because she had become so much more.

  I knew my feelings for her; I was crazy about her, had been since the second I saw her, those dark blue eyes staring widely at me from beneath the dirt and grime. Since then she had only enraptured me more and more with her strength, determination, intelligence and kindness. I had known her less than a week and I was falling badly for her, feeling a bond with her that I had never felt with anyone, not even my brothers.

  Problem was, I knew I wasn’t the only one. Matt, Kade and Kyle all looked at her just the way I did. They were in deep too.

  It wasn’t an issue for any of us. The way we had all grown up had messed with us, so badly, that once we found each other, found our family, we had all clung on hard.

  Xander obviously found his own path and had a good relationship with Simon, but he didn’t have the same messed up past the four of us had. He had a good family once,
who loved him. He had to go through the hell of losing them, and I knew it had been harrowing for him, but he hadn’t been broken at the hands of others, as the four of us all had.

  We came from seriously fucked up childhoods. We had been broken at the hands of, or because of the people who should have loved us most, and it had left us all angry, confused and broken. It had taken us all along time to heal as much as we had, and without each other, we would never have survived the trauma. It was only the fact that we could all always count on each other, and turn to each other on the worst days, that had made us as whole as we were, and that was still very far from fully whole. We needed each other and we knew it.

  We had discussed poly relationships before, even shared girls in the past, although nothing serious.

  It wasn’t that we weren’t capable of a normal relationship. I knew we all were, had even had a few between us. It was more that none of us wanted that. Conventional relationships just didn’t seem to work for any of us, all of us having tried them at some point in the last few years.

  The four of us had each come from a background of abuse in one form or another, some worse than others, but all really messed up. We had spent the early years of our lives fighting alone, completely alone.

  Coming to Keira and Grant, and finding our family, finding each other, it had been a monumental moment in each of our lives. Over time, as we healed, It brought us small amounts of happiness and peace, but also safety and support. None of us were ready to ever let that go. We just worked together, as a unit, the four of us, so it made sense that one day we could handle a relationship together. We just never actually expected it to happen. We never thought we’d find a girl we all cared for enough, who would be willing to be in a relationship with four, over protective, messed up guys like us.

  Olivia coming into our home just seemed like fate. It was obvious we all wanted her and if I read her correctly, I was pretty sure she liked each of us. She was no longer afraid to touch us or hug us and she smiled often when we were all together.