A Wayward God

by Natasha Weber

easy. It’s much harder travelling with someone who loves you despite what you did,” Katharos said solemnly. “But… that was also a long time ago… everyone makes mistakes Joshua. Gods just make them on a larger scale. And although I know you meant what you did at the time, they have cured your insanity. And I know no harm will come to me if I go with you. Maybe it’s time someone bothered to look after you.”

  I shook my head and fell to my knees. “You are wrong. I still feel so angry. You will not be safe with me. I want you to hate me—give me an excuse to be alone again—why won’t you give it to me?”

  Katharos touched my head somberly. “You know what you’ve done wrong. And I shall be the first to forgive you,”

  I looked up. I bit back tears and looked into Katharos’ black eyes. This was no longer about getting home for me. It was about these two mortals who I loved. Soon, my seal of protection on them would wear off, and my brother could do anything he wished to them.

  “I am—jealous of you—why are you so much better than me?”

  This time, it was his turn to stay quiet. “Joshua, you lied to me, didn’t you? About… how you looked after me personally and saved my life? The way you judge is not biased… why did you lie to me?”

  “I didn’t want you to lose faith…”

  “I never would have lost faith. I always wish to know the truth. I would have had better respect for you if you had told me the truth… I’ve admired you all these years because you do the job nobody else wants to do, and somehow, you’re still okay despite everything.”

  I breathed in, feeling the guilt and embarrassment being lifted away; the shackles of punished I lashed myself to long ago were being lifted. It was time to be Yeshua again, my one true self, because I was given permission to be.

  Heidi was gone in the morning when I awoke. Katharos had already sent two soldiers with her to takes her home. I felt a sinking feeling in my stomach. Somehow, things just felt empty without her nearby. More than that, I felt incredibly weak. I tried to get to my feet, but I fell down when I tried.

  “Are you okay?” Katharos asked gently.

  I felt so weak and bone tired, it was an effort just climbing to my feet. “I—it’s Heidi. I never had her belief, but now she hates me…. It weighs me down…”

  “Why is her faith so important?” Katharos asked.

  “Because I.. . Have feelings for her.” I quavered. Love was too hard a word for me to say.

  “I thought that would drive you mad…?” Katharos asked, surprised.

  “It would only drive me mad if I spent too much time with her.” I closed my eyes and breathed harshly. “It hurts…”

  Katharos motioned to Asher, and he helped me to stand. “Just a little longer, Joshua. Hang in there.”

  I closed my eyes as we finished walking to the Maheshan country. “I’m sorry Asher; I know you want nothing to do with me…”

  “I have no problem doing anything for Katharos. So do not worry about it.” Asher said quietly.

  “Okay,” Katharos said. “This is it.”

  I opened my eyes, and there was a gaping hole in the ground with two soldiers standing guard. Blinking tiredly, I watched Katharos, winged arms clasped behind his back, walk up to the soldiers and converse with them for a bit with hazy vision. After a moment, the Maheshan guards nodded and moved aside.

  Katharos disappeared from sight into the underground city. Asher walked me down into the city as well. The city was beautiful. There were glowing blue mushrooms lighting our way as we went, and blue translucent moss everywhere. There were round buildings and Mahesha bustling about everywhere.

  As we walked down the winding spiral further into The Below, we came upon a final gate, and Nikolai was waiting for us behind the gate. He was angry. “I told you to convince the boy to stay away!”

  “I have my own will, thank you. I will go where I wish,” Katharos interjected; slightly offended that Nikolai ignored him.

  Nikolai, looking indignant and eying me angrily, opened the gate and let Katharos in. My head was feeling so hot that I leaned my head on Asher’s shoulder and I couldn’t keep my eyes open.

  “She’s dying…” I heard Katharos say.

  I opened my eyes. My head was still leaning on Asher’s shoulder.

  Katharos was kneeling next to a woman who was bleeding to death. “What happened?”

  “It’s Hephzibah, the Queen… she is mad. She was walking through the street with a contingent of soldiers and we threw food at her… we didn’t think she’d to kill us… she taxes us so much we have no food for ourselves…”

  “Being foolish isn’t the way to get things to change,” Katharos said softly. “Joshua, perhaps you might help?”

  With a hazy mind, I touched a hand to the woman’s forehead, and healed her wounds. In her eyes, I saw a gleam of hope. “You are a God…?”

  “Yes. I am Justice.” I said dazedly, barely aware of what I was doing.

  “I see… thank you… for saving me,” many people passing by saw my act of kindness and gathered around.

  “Have allies of Destruction come to save us from the servitude of Hephzibah?” I heard one say.

  “Is he related to Destruction? Has he come to take us to The Above?” Said another.

  It was a jumbled mess of voices mingled together, and it hurt my head, but, after a moment, I was filled with their faith, and it helped fill the void that Heidi left in my spirit. I shot to my feet, feeling weak, but energized.

  “Touching him will bring us luck!” All of them said at once.

  They reached out and touched me, and I smiled gently. I wrapped many of them in a large embrace, and after a moment, I was ready to keep moving. “Hang on,” I told them, “I know you will all be safe soon.”

  I loved them, I realized. I was willing to die for mortals again, which was something I had not felt in a long time. This was everything I was meant to do with my life, the butterfly had proved it. It didn’t even matter that these people worshipped my Father, the man I hated most and who had made me into a monster. I felt the hatred I harbored towards melt from my soul. I knew whatever love they harbored toward me may not last, and it was conditional, as it always was. But I realized… that was okay. Mortals were fickle, and they had it rough. If I didn’t solve their problems for them, I could not blame them for losing faith—some of them lived lives far more difficult than my own—I shouldn’t love them for giving me their faith, I should love them for being good people.

  I waved goodbye to the crowd and walked next to Katharos as we moved through the underground city to the castle in the distance. “Are you okay Joshua? Do you need to rest…?”

  “I am fine. I feel like my eyes have been opened. Mortals are so special.” I smiled happily. I was thinking of one woman in particular when I said that. I couldn’t stop thinking about her wrinkly human smile, her brown eyes, or her quirky, boisterous spirit.

  Katharos looked at me, intrigued. But he said nothing. He was smart enough to know whatever I might be thinking.

  Once we arrived at the castle, Nikolai was waiting for us again. He threw up his hands, “I warned you, but fine. If he dies, you’ve only yourself to blame. I’ll take you to Mom,” Nikolai overdramatically stepped away from me. “Where’s your lady-friend? You know… the sensible one who stopped you from killing me?”

  I still harbored very ill feelings toward my nephew. I needed someone to blame for my brother’s coldness. This vacant, soulless shell of the brother I once loved who left a rift in my life; a hard feeling in my stomach… and the product of what he had become was this child. Nikolai could have been a saint I would still harbor hatred towards him. Before the rage set in, I said quickly, “Take us to Hephzibah.”

  He turned around with a humph and opened the double doors to the relatively small cobble castle. He held the door open for us, and then ran ahead of us slightly, leading us along. “This way,”

  The castle was garish. There wer
e tapestries of Hephzibah hanging around everywhere, clearly overly priced rugs below my feet, and rare flowers that did not grow near the Maheshan country at all placed in vases all over the castle. Hephzibah was unabashedly vain, and, unabashedly loose with her gold, it seemed.

  We arrived at two large double-doors, and Nikolai knocked.

  “I told you, I am not having any gatherings today, or guests, or any complaints from my subjects!”

  “It’s me, Mom,” Nikolai said with a heavy sigh.

  “…Nikolai? Darling, come in.” Hephzibah’s voice rang out clearly.

  Nikolai pushed the doors open and let us in.

  Hephzibah was the only one in the throne room. She was wearing a dress that probably cost more than Heidi’s house and everything she owned put together. She had her head on the arm of the chair, and her feet on the other arm, looking bored. “Dear, who are these peasants?”

  “It’s Father’s brother, Mom and King Katharos. Remember? You asked me to bring them here. I would have teleported them here, but Father wished me not to…” He said uncomfortably.

  Hephzibah sat up. She had a disgusted look on her face. “Darling, don’t stand next to them, you might catch something. Come here, dearest.”

  Nikolai came and stood next to his mother. They both seemed to be impossibly beautiful. Hephzibah was a lean and graceful woman. Thin, but not overly much so. She had tilted eyes that naturally made her look alluring, and like all Mahesha, she had four arms. She was