A Wayward God

by Natasha Weber

rest.

  “You’re the kindest person I know… much kinder than Heidi.” I said bitterly. I couldn’t believe what I’d said even while I said it. The feeling of bitter resentment I had towards her was unfounded and it was also a feeling of petty anger.

  “Heidi is one of my dearest friends… don’t talk about her like that. She is far kinder than me. You should know better than anybody that if either of us were to bolt it would be her. She was waiting for you to disappoint her like everyone else does, and you did.”

  “You’re right… I am only talking this way because I resent her for leaving. I am shocked she did not leave the first time I almost killed her. She only wished to help—to repay me for saving her life—I failed her… I should have told her the truth right off. It’s so hard once you get to a certain point though.”

  “You can’t help what you were. But Heidi isn’t dumb. She knows you are not the same as Decay. It’s hard for her, though… she has no faith in others. One of the only people you are meant to trust in your life—your father—betrayed her…. Don’t you think she’s pretty amazing for holding on so well, and being kind deep down despite a tough exterior?”

  My eyes gleamed with unshed tears at how much I found I missed her. “Yes. I do…”

  I found myself becoming increasingly exhausted throughout the day. I explored the castle for many hours, and then had to take a nap. People were losing faith in me already, I knew. The power was being drained from me, and when it was time for Katharos’ peace negotiations, I barely managed to drag myself to the throne room. Of course I did not go to talk of politics, but only to make sure Katharos was not harmed.

  I was surprised at how composed Hephzibah was during the negotiations. Nothing like how she acted around me… something was definitely wrong.

  When I zoned in to the conversation again after letting my mind wander, Katharos was looking at a treaty with Hephzibah’s stipulations upon it. After reading it, he said, “I can’t sign this…”

  “Why?” She asked nonchalantly.

  “This practically stipulates that you can use my people as slave labor without the hassle of a war…”

  “Yes? You wish to avoid one, don’t you? You know we would decimate your people. This way at least no one gets hurt.” She said with a wicked smile.

  “I see… was this what you meant all along? You know I can’t agree to this.”

  “Do you wish your people dead?” She asked, examining her nails.

  “No… but you must concede that this is far from fair… surely you wish to avoid a war, to spare your people.”

  “Do you really think I care anything for my people? They are a wretched, filthy, people. They never obeyed the law, and their faith in Destruction is being shaken. For a Mahesha, that is despicable.”

  “Destruction would destroy everyone on The Below if it suited him! You are insane for worshipping him!” I cut in without thinking.

  “Joshua, please,” Katharos said sharply. He turned back to Hephzibah. “Please try to see things my way. Would you sign this if you were in my position?”

  “I am not in your position. It is your own fault you don’t seize power where you can. Power is the only way to get what you want.”

  Katharos breathed in, and then sighed. “So I have come all this way for nothing?”

  “Not for nothing--there are about two-hundred soldiers out that door—if you don’t cooperate, you will be hurt badly. Nikolai, please escort Katharos to his prison. Take your uncle as well…” she looked at me distastefully.

  Nikolai appeared next to Katharos and grabbed his arm. Katharos did not struggle, being the peaceful sort, and Nikolai grabbed the boy roughly. Yanking Katharos along with him, Nikolai made his way over to me. Feeling too tired and hazy to fight back, Nikolai touched my arm and teleported us to the dungeon and shoved us in separate cells. I collapsed on all fours when he pushed me.

  In the cell next to me, Katharos grabbed his bars and looked over at me worriedly. “Joshua, are you okay?”

  “I am losing the prayers.” I breathed harshly. I was in severe pain, Heidi was gone, the prayers were gone, and Katharos could be killed on the morrow. My powers were being drained so fast… I felt my personality slip away and I shifted into Vengeance, who grabbed the same bars as Katharos and rattled them angrily.

  Katharos fell backwards and dragged himself away from me, breathing harshly. He looked over at me in fear. Vengeance reached as far as he could, but because of my weakened state, he was too weak to break them and get to Katharos.

  I don’t remember much from there. Yeshua had blacked out. It was almost like sweet bliss not having to deal with my problems.

  When I opened my eyes, Nikolai was outside my cell. “Joshua. Mr. Smalls is here. He wishes to speak with you.”

  “Wha—I’m afraid…” I tried to lift myself up but I fell. “I am too weak… help me, please.”

  Nikolai opened the cell and put a hand on my back, hefting me onto his shoulder.

  “Do I have to see him now? I am exhausted.”

  “He says now….” Nikolai murmured.

  I can’t talk to him like this… I need to be able to stand up to him. For the first time in a long time, I reached out to him with my mind.

  Don’t invade my mind without my permission, please. I get enough of that from Father. You know he doesn’t take no for an answer…

  He doesn’t…?

  You really know nothing about him, don’t you? Nikolai shook his head. He is not the same person anymore, whoever he may have been before,

  Will you help me? I mean, if he tries to hurt me?

  Why should I? Nikolai crossed his arms. Do I owe you something? Simply for being my uncle?

  I am sorry, Nikolai. You are not a monster. It is not your fault my brother is the way he is now. You were just easy to blame. In fact… you remind me of him when he was younger. I told him honestly. Except he was much haughtier than my brother.

  He sighed aloud. Don’t ever say that about me. My Mother deserved better than him. I will help if it suits me. You do need to pay, however, for the nasty things you said.

  It was enough, I thought. I found the strength within myself to stand on my own. “Let’s go.”

  It was night. Nikolai brought me out to the garden. I looked around the hedges for my brother. When my eyes came into focus, I noticed two red eyes peering at me from the dark. I couldn’t help but smile and take a step forward. Chandra, I am… happy to see you.

  What are you doing here? His red, blank eyes blinked at me from the darkness.

  They said you wanted to see me. I told him awkwardly. I laughed a little and moved a little more towards him again, longing for the feeling of acceptance I used to find in his embrace.

  I suppose I did. I cannot wait to kill you.

  My lip wobbled unexpectedly at that comment and I felt a lump in my throat. Before I could answer, however, Hephzibah appeared in the door connecting the garden to the castle. She saw Mr. Smalls and ran over to him with a wild look in her eyes and threw her arms about him. “Darling, I haven’t seen you in years…”

  Chandra’s pupils shrunk and he returned her wild look. I expected him to shove her away, to hurt her badly, to break her bones—I was shocked when he put his arms around her and kissed her forehead with that vacant look on his face—I was disgusted by my own brother. This taboo was unacceptable. I see… Nikolai must have told you what I told him.

  Why do you speak to Nikolai? I had the impression you wished to have nothing to do with your family. I asked, taking a step back from him and his lover as she kept cooing lovingly at Chandra.

  He held her face in his hands and stared into her eyes. They seemed to be melting into one another. I shuddered. When I first met this woman, she was a normal mortal. Impossibly beautiful, good head on her shoulders, but normal. She had the same sort of contempt for mortals that I had. I watched her from The Above and came down to meet her one day. She fe
ll in love me and convinced me to kiss her. She is now mad. I like her a lot more this way.

  Do you… do you like yourself more this way?

  I feel happy, which is more than you could say. This is what I was meant to be, and I can finally embrace it.

  Chandra, if you do not stop killing mortals wantonly, I will use your name.

  He was unphased. You may use it. I consider Chandra to be dead.

  Dead…? My eyes shone with unshed tears.

  He looked away for a moment—I thought he might be coming back to reality—but then he said, do you really think I care about what is wrong and right? I will live forever, and I will see mortals kill one another over and over again until they die or evolve into something else. What does doing right matter when they will die anyway? When they will spur each other to their deaths quicks than nature ever could? I only care about doing my job now. And you are no longer my brother. I do not even know who you are anymore.

  He disengaged from Hephzibah and he started walking very slowly towards me, his glaring eyes coming closer and closer. He looked into my eyes directly, and I found my grip on reality being shaken.

  I shook my head and averted my gaze. I was being torn apart. Why did you wish to kill me? I know you crave power, but does the time we had together when we were children mean nothing to you? You risked Father’s punishment for me… you lied for me. You saved my life. You can’t tell me you are gone entirely. That you do not care for me at all anymore…

  For a moment,