Goodbye Teddy

by Stockholm, JD

  I open my door before he goes away and then I get the light on. There isn't a bad man in there. I tell my dad goodnight. I turn the other light on. Then I have to check in the wardrobe. Maybe the bad man got in and hides in there. But he doesn't. I check in the big box too. But he isn't in there and he isn't under the bed, or behind the curtains. I check everywhere. I get my clothes and I don't look at the mirror. I don't want to see if the bad man sneaks in through the mirror because he is a bad spirit. My mum says they can get in that way.

  My dad comes back upstairs. I didn't get time to get changed yet. My dad opens my door and then he comes in. He pushes me on the bed but he doesn't say any words. I don't say no when he does the sex thing. He doesn't say anything too. Maybe he does it because I am late. But he doesn't make it hurt. My dad puts his hand on me too. Then I make the noises. He tells me I am good. He always says I am good. I don't look at him. I don't say anything when he makes the noises too. He doesn't say anything when he gets off my bed. He goes in his bedroom and then I hear him get in bed. I don't think about it. Maybe it makes the cereal come back out. I don't think about the crying. It just comes out and I don't stop it. I get in bed and hug myself tight. Then I go to sleep in the corner. The bad man doesn't come.

  Thirty Seven

  I don't talk to Rachel about the kissing part. I don't say anything. She has a boyfriend. He goes to the same school as her. But he doesn't come at her house. I am glad. Then I don't have to see her kiss him. He came a long time ago. Then he came to the den in the golf course. But he didn't want to do anything. We played games on the rope and we made arrows too from the wood. He said it was stupid. I think he is stupid. But I don't tell Rachel. Maybe he can go away.

  Rachel says he doesn't like me. He thinks I am bad and I make everything stupid. I don't care about it. I think he is boring. He speaks funny too. He makes his S’s sound long and he spits when he talks. He thinks he is clever because he gets lots of A’s. I get lots of A’s too. Maybe Rachel tells him about the kissing.

  I go to Rachel's very early. I don't like my mum and dad’s house at the weekend. Then I get in trouble and I have to do lots of things and I don't like it. I like to see Rachel. We stay out all day. Rachel's mum lets me in the house. I have to stay in the kitchen because Rachel has to wash the dishes up from breakfast. She is in trouble. She said bad things to her mum and then she has to wash the dishes, or she gets grounded. She always says bad things to her mum.

  I sit on the table when she washes the things. “Do you think that people who run away have a good time?” I ask. I don't know why I ask about it. I thought about it when I had a cigarette before I got to Rachel's house.

  She asks what I mean. I tell her about a boy that ran away. He had a fun time when he did it. Then he got money and things because he helped people. He did things like make gardens nice and tidy. He helped lots of people. But he lived all by himself in a secret place. Lots of children came and thought he was very good and they made friends with him and gave him things. He never got in trouble.

  I didn't read about it. Me and Mr. Ted made the story a long time ago. We got to read the Huckleberry Finn book and then we made it up. We read it lots of times. It was funny. But then it got sad so me and Mr. Ted made our own book. I don't tell Rachel it is a book. Then maybe she won't run away with me.

  She says it sounds like fun. I think so too. I ask her if we should try it. Maybe we can sleep on the golf course at our den. I tell her we can tell our mums that we sleep at other houses, then we sleep outside and no one knows about it. It is nearly summertime. The nighttimes are warm when they don't get wet and freeze. I tell her we can make a bonfire and cook things. I like to make bonfires.

  I tell Rachel we can do it on the next weekend. When I have seen my Nan. Then we can go. I don't tell Rachel I am going to run away for a long time. I don't want to go home. I have some money from my dad. I got it out of his pocket. I can get on a train and go far away and then they don't find me. Maybe Rachel can come too. Then I am not on my own. But I will go by myself if she doesn't come. My mum doesn't like me anymore. She gets mad all the time. She didn't miss me when she was in the hospital. My brother is very happy when she came home. He gave her a big hug. But she didn't give me one. I stood at the back. She didn't say hello. My dad doesn't talk to me. I didn't go in their room this morning. Maybe it makes them mad. But I didn't want to. I didn't want to do the morning thing.

  When it is Saturday, my mum shouts me. She doesn't shout in a mad voice. She wants me to do the Saturday thing. She tells my dad to stand at the corner. He doesn't have any clothes on. Sometimes he has the underwear thing on that is my mum’s. But his thing always sticks out and my mum tells me to get hold of it. Then I have to pull him around the room until she says stop. I don't like to do it. It makes my hand feel dirty. But I laugh about it. My mum watches. Sometimes she takes pictures. She says he is our slave and we have to make him do everything. I pull him all the way to the bed when she tells me to. Then she tells me to push him over so that he does the sex thing with her. I have to sit on the bed too. Sometimes my dad puts his hand in my pants or I have to take them off. I don't look when my mum and dad do the sex thing. I don't like to watch it. But my dad tells me to. He tells me I have to sit on his back like when my brother gets horsey rides.

  Sometimes my dad makes me lean over my mum. Like we do the sex thing. But we don't. My dad does it to me instead. But I don't lie down because then I touch my mum and she doesn't have clothes on and I don't like it. Sometimes my dad is too heavy. Then he makes my arms hurt. They get pins and needles in them and feel like they are very fat, but they aren’t. When it is all finished, I get to play out with my friends. I go to Rachel's, but I don't let her go near me. I don't like how the sex stuff smells. It smells very bad and I don't want Rachel to know about it all.

  I didn't do the sex thing with my mum and dad this morning. I didn't want to. I went to Rachel's house instead. My mum and dad didn't get mad about it. I am happy that she says yes about running away. She thinks it will be fun to sleep outside for one night. But I don't tell Rachel I don't ever go back. It is going to be forever. We write a list of things we need. Maybe I can get my dad’s sleeping bag. It is in the attic near my bedroom. I can sneak in when my dad doesn't know. I have some money too. I keep it in my bedroom. I hide it then my dad doesn't know I took it. I take lots of it when he is in the shower. But I don't spend it. I just buy sweets and drinks and I finish them so my mum and dad don't see and then they don't know I stole it.

  Andrew knows I stole things. He doesn't like me anymore. He doesn't talk to me. He watches. I see him do it. He has a mean face because I do all the bad things. I try not to be bad. I promise him I don't do the bad things anymore. But I can’t help it. Maybe he thinks running away is too bad. Maybe he can come too, then he can look for people at nighttime.

  Rachel finishes all the dishes, then we go to the den. We talk all day long about the running away plan. I am very excited about it. Then when it gets to nearly 9 o’clock, we go home again. I have a cigarette when Rachel goes in her house and she doesn't see. I don't want to go in my house. I want to run away now. When I finish my cigarette, I go in the kitchen. My mum is there. She washes more dishes too. I tell her I am home and I have homework. I do it in the garage. “Did you see Batman today?” she asks me. I shake my head about it. She says okay. She is sad.

  I get my homework then I go in the garage. I sit on the cushions and do it. It is easy homework. I do most of it at lunchtime. I don't like the people at school. I don't stay with them. I do my schoolwork instead. There is a boy called Lewis. I don't like him the most. He is mean and stupid and he swears all the time. He asks me lots of times if I want to fight. He says he is going to beat me up. But he doesn't do it. He just says it. I wait lots of times after school and he doesn't come.

  Maybe Lewis is a baby. It doesn't matter. When I run away, I don't ever see him again. I can’t wait to run away. I write a list of things in my book from school.
I steal books at school so I can write stories. My mum doesn't let my buy any. I use one to say what me and Rachel need. Then we don't forget anything. Maybe we can do some work when we run away and then we can get money and we don't ever have to go back again.

  I write my list out then I get the petrol from my dad’s bike. I put the bottle to my nose and I smell it very deep. It makes me smile. It makes me fuzzy inside and then I don't feel sad. I smell it and then I count. One, two, three. I make it very deep. It makes my head float away. I lie down with my book and my pen. Then I fall to sleep. I didn't know I fell to sleep for a long time. All the way to the morning. My mum locked me out. She won’t miss me if I run away. Maybe she thinks I hide in the garage. I smile about it.

  Thirty Eight

  I wish I could tell my Nan I am running away. I wish she got to come too. Then I don't miss her when I go away. Maybe she will be sad if I tell her about it. Maybe she will get mad and tell my mum and dad. It is Friday again. She has come for dinner. Me and Rachel are going to run away today. My Nan is watching television. She likes the Australian soap things about the beach. They look nice and sunny there. My mum likes the soaps too. But she doesn't watch them with my Nan. She is in a bad mood today. She shouts lots of times at everyone. She calls my Nan mean names too. But my Nan doesn't say anything about it.

  I sit with my Nan. Then I can sit with her one more time before I go away. Maybe I can take some paper and then I can write and she can be my pen friend. Maybe she doesn't tell anyone where I live when I run away. I don't get to sit with my Nan for a long time because Aadi knocks on the door. I let him in. I don't want him to be here. But he doesn't go away. I didn't tell him to come and call for me. But he does. My mum smiles big about him. Maybe he comes to see my mum and dad.

  I go to my room. I don't tell him to come but he does. He says hello to my Nan when he walks past. She says hello back. I wish he would go away. I have my bag on the table. I have some clothes too. I have my dad’s sleeping bag. I got it when no one was in the house. They went away to the park and didn't tell me about it. But then I got it and hid it in my room. My mum and dad don't know I went in the attic. My mum doesn't know I go in there. She doesn't like it if I do. I hide my books in there. I write them all to Mr. Ted. He isn't magic anymore. But I still write them. Maybe his magic can come back. I wish he was a real bear and then he really talks. I don't take him when I run away. He has to stay on my bed then my mum doesn't know. Maybe he can look after my books in the attic and then no one finds them and I don't get in trouble. I write about all the sex things. My mum says I am not allowed. But I write them in there when it makes me cry. I write them at nighttime when I cry very big. It makes the crying go away when I write.

  Aadi looks at my sleeping bag then he looks in my bag. “Are you going for a sleepover?” he asks me. I tell him no and then I stuff my things in my bag and hide it down the side of the box so he can’t see it. I have food in there too. I got it from the kitchen. I don't want Aadi to say about it to my mum.

  “Are you running away?” he asks. But he laughs about it. He makes me mad inside. He is nosey. I wish he would go away.

  I tell him no.

  He doesn't say anything about it. He sits on my bed and looks at my reading books. I wish he didn't sit on my bed. My mum made it all nice and flat. She gets mad when it gets messy and I don't make it right. She doesn't like all the wrinkles in it. She will shout at me about it because I don't keep it nice and neat. I am bad. Maybe she will be happy when I run away then I don't get on her nerves anymore.

  I ask Aadi if he wants to go downstairs to the kitchen. My mum is there. He likes to talk to my mum. She doesn't shout at me when he is there. Just says mean things. She likes him. He says yes and we go downstairs. My Nan sees and then she comes to the kitchen too. My Nan asks Aadi about school. He tells her that he has to choose all his subjects this year. My Nan thinks it is good. He tells her he chose all the right ones then he can go to medical school and be a doctor. My Nan asks which ones he chose and he tells her.

  My Nan asks if I will take those ones too. She knows I want to be a doctor. I tell her yes. But I want to be a different doctor. I want to look after children and make them better. My mum sighs about it. She says I won’t be able to do it. “What about when you kill a baby?” she asks me. I don't like it when she says that.

  “Maybe I make the baby better,” I say to her. “Maybe it would die and go to heaven if I don't make it better.”

  My mum is cooking dinner. She doesn't think I will be a good doctor. She says it lots of times that I won’t. My dad says I can’t do it because I don't care about anything and I am too stupid. They don't know I get lots of A’s in everything. My mum doesn't want to see my school reports. So I don't tell her about it. I like school and then I will go and be a doctor and live away and then my mum and dad can go away.

  I leave Aadi in the kitchen. No one notices when I go away. Aadi talks to them. He can stay there and then leave me alone. I have to get ready. After dinner, I am going to meet Rachel and then we run away. Maybe my mum knows about it. It makes me scared inside. Maybe she knows I am telling lies about sleeping at my friend’s house. Maybe they sneak my stuff away from my room when I am not there. I run upstairs to check. But it is there and they don't know.

  Aadi goes home. Then I have to set the table for dinner. I do it very quiet. My dad comes home from work. He is full of oil from the cars. He is late. He doesn't get his shower yet. Then I am not allowed to the toilet. I have to go when he gets a shower. He washes his hands in the kitchen sink. Then he sits at the table. I don't walk very close to him. Maybe he knows I am running away and then maybe he will hit me very hard when I don't know it and I can’t stop it.

  My mum has made roast chicken. She always makes it on Fridays. She did when I was little too. It smells nice. My dad gives me the leg and some skin. It is my favourite part. I like it with the bread sauce. I put some of the bread sauce on the leg. Then I put it at the side and save it to last.

  My brother doesn't eat the chicken with us. He had his special food already. He sits and watches the cartoons in the lounge. I see him. He sits on the sofa with his new toys. He always has new toys. New toys and lots of television. He is very fat too. He sits on me and makes me squashed. My dad calls him fat all the time. Fat and stupid. That’s what he is. He cries about it sometimes. He should cry. I wish he cried for a long time. I hate him very much. He gets everything. He is bad. I wish he would go away. Maybe he could run away and then they all get sad about it. Maybe he can die and go to heaven.

  I tell my brother I am sorry in my head. I don't mean to think about all the mean things. I eat my dinner fast and I don't look at him. He won’t care if I runaway. It makes him happy. Then he can have my bedroom and all my things.

  When dinner is finished, I put the plates in the kitchen. Then I make the table tidy again. I ask if I can go out and my mum says yes. My dad goes for his shower. He takes his big mug of tea with him. I have to use the toilet before I go out. I ask my dad if I can use it. He says yes and then he comes to the bathroom too. I try to hide so he doesn't see. But he looks and I tell him to stop it. He grins about it and then he takes his clothes off for the shower.

  He tells me to get my hands washed. When I do it, he stands behind me and then he makes my pants unfastened. I don't look in the mirror and I don't say no. He does the sex thing. My dad looks in the mirror. I don't want to. I don't want to see the stupid boy there. I hate him so much. He makes everything bad all the time. Sometimes I hit him so hard I wish I could make him die and go away. Then he can stop making everything bad.

  My dad tells me I can go out to play now. He makes all his noises and then he gets in the shower. I pull my pants back up. I don't look at my dad. I don't look in the mirror. I go to my room, then I get my bag and go to meet Rachel.

  I run away forever.

  Thirty Nine

  Rachel has her bag ready too. She has a big jumper on to keep her warm and she has a sleep
ing bag. She got it from her dad. She told her mum she was sleeping at another friend’s house and then they are camping on the floor. But we don't.

  We don't go to the golf course. We walk to the gates, but it is too dark. We don't want to walk over the big dark field. We go to the promenade instead. It is high there and bright. All the lights are on because it is illuminations time. They are special lights that people come and see.

  Me and Rachel have a special place on the rocks. It looks like a castle. It got shaped like that and it is flat on the top. We climb to it lots of times so we decide we can sleep there. It is nice and flat and no one can see it. We have to climb all the way down and no one can get on it. We tried to show Simone once. But she isn't very good at climbing. She slipped and then she fell. I thought she was going to fall all the way down and die. But she didn't. But we don't let her climb there anymore. It is too high and she isn't good because she is a girl.

  We hide our bags at the castle. No one can see them because it goes inside the rock a little bit. I ask Rachel if she wants to walk on the promenade. We can walk and see all the lights. She says yes. We have never been to town by ourselves at night before. We are not allowed because Rachel is eleven. Maybe when she is twelve we can. My mum says it isn't safe. But nothing bad happens. We walk along the wall that is by the sea. We look at all the lights. They are nice and bright.

  It is a very long walk to town. It makes me hungry. I ask Rachel if she is hungry. She says yes. We walk to all the fun places. They have lots of rides and stalls. Lots of people play on the machines and things. Me and Rachel go to the stand that sells burgers and chips. We buy some chips. There is a lady there. She is very loud and she laughs. “What are you doing here?” she asks us. I tell her we are getting chips and she laughs with her friends about it. Maybe she is drunk. “Don't you both look cute? Is she your girlfriend?” she asks. But I shake my head and me and Rachel go away. I don't like the silly lady. They laugh like my mum and dad do when they are drunk.