Goodbye Teddy

by Stockholm, JD

  We walk all along the promenade. It is lit up. We don't spend all the money. We have to save it. I don't want to waste it. We buy some drinks. I get real Coke because I am not allowed it at home. It is fizzy and the bubbles go in my nose. We stay out very late. When we walk back to the castle, I look at my watch. It is after 2am. All the lights have got turned off and everyone has gone away. We walk very far and then we get back to the castle. I climb down it in the dark. There are some lights down at the bottom. Where it is near the sea. There are people there fishing. They fish at nighttime. I can hear the waves on the wall. They crash. The tide is in.

  Our bags are still there. No one found them and no one took them away. We get our sleeping bags out and then we sit in them. I tell Rachel we can take it in turns to go to sleep. She can sleep first and then I wake her up in an hour and then I can sleep. She says yes and then she lies down. She goes to sleep very fast. I watch the fisherman at the bottom. I can see the sea too. It takes a long time for the hour to go away. My eyes are very tired. I look at my watch then I shake Rachel. I tell her it is my turn. She doesn't want to wake up. But I tell her she has to.

  She sits up and then she yawns very big. I give her my watch. She has to wake me up in an hour. Then I can look out. I get my bag and I make it like a pillow. I watch Rachel. But she falls to sleep again. I whisper her to wake up. She can’t watch for things if she falls to sleep. She says she is awake but I know she isn't.

  I try to close my eyes again. But my mind doesn't want to. It tells me something bad will happen because Rachel goes to sleep again. I say Rachel's name, but she doesn't answer. I take my watch out of her hand and then I sit up.

  I can hear noises at the top of the cliffs. There are some steps next to us. But no one can get to the castle if they don't know the special way. I can hear laughing. Maybe it is more drunk people. The sun wants to come out. It is a little bit light. My watch says it is after 4am. It is very early. I have never seen outside at this time, except when I sleep in the garage.

  Some people come past us. They don't see us. They don't say anything. Rachel doesn't wake up. They make lots of noise. There are four people. They climb past us on the steps and then they go down to the beach. The sea is gone out a little bit. They go to play on the sand. They laugh and make lots of noise. I don't know why Rachel didn't wake up. They are not very quiet.

  I watch them climb over the chain. They are not allowed to go over it. But they do. The chain says danger and keep out. Sometimes me and Rachel climb over the chains when we want to play at the sea. The coast guard comes in his big car and then he gets out and tells us off. He tells us it is very bad to go over there. But we don't stop.

  When they are gone, I tell Rachel to wake up. They played at the beach a long time. It is after 5. I am hungry. There is a petrol station near my dad’s work. It is open all night long. I tell Rachel we can go there and get something to eat. They have a toilet too. I need the toilet very bad.

  My eyes are very tired. I didn't sleep all night long. They feel like they are puffy. Maybe tomorrow Rachel can stay awake and I can go to sleep. She wakes up. But she doesn't say sorry about not being a good lookout. I tell her we can walk to the petrol station for some food. We roll our sleeping bags up then we put everything stuffed in the hole again. We climb down the rocks and walk. My head feels very tired. It isn't very far to the petrol station. I walk there all the time when I went to the school near my dad’s. It doesn't take a long time.

  We get some crisps and chocolate and I ask Rachel if we should get on the bus somewhere and then we can find another place to run away. It makes me scared inside. Maybe she will want to go home. But she says yes. Maybe we can go to the other side of town. But I want to go very far away. I don't want to be in the town anymore. But I don't tell Rachel about it. I know how to get the bus. I will pay for it and then we can go.

  We get near the fence near our things and then we climb over the railing. We climb down to the rocks of the castle. But our bags are gone. Someone came and took them away. I stand up and look around. Maybe they fell down. But I can’t see them. They are not anywhere. We climb down to the bottom. My bag has all my running away clothes in. I don't want them to be lost. It makes me scared inside. “Where are our bags?” Rachel asks, but I don't know. They are not anywhere.

  I tell Rachel I will climb back to the castle and look. Maybe they just got stuck. But when I turn around there are three men there. They have fishing stuff with them. “Are you looking for these?” one man says. They hold up our bags.

  I tell the man to give me my bag back. He shakes his head no. “It isn't yours,” I say to him. But he grabs Rachel's arm and another man grabs mine. I shout at him to let go.

  Forty

  We don't say any words to the men. I look around. Maybe we can run away and then they can’t catch us. Maybe we can be faster than them.

  “We watched you all night,” the man says. “We are going up there and we’re going to call the police.” I feel the crying inside. I don't want them to call the police. I don't want to go home. I don't want my dad to hit me because I tried to run away. The police will come and he will be mad about it.

  The man who has my bag stares at me. “I know who you are,” he says. “You are friends with Jason. I am Jason's cousin.”

  I don't answer him.

  “I can find out where you live if you don't tell me or we can go to the police.”

  I don't want to go to the police. I don't want to go to my mum and dad’s house. I want to go away. The man is going to take us home or he will take us to the police station. He tells us if we try to run away, he will catch us. They are bigger than us. Then they make us go all the way to the police station. He says the police will arrest us for running away. I hate the stupid man and his friends. They should mind their own business.

  I tell him where my mum and dad live. He tells me if it is lies, then he is going to take us to the police. I promise it is the truth. I walk very slow to my house. I don't want to knock on the door. My dad is going to be mad. Not when the men are there. When they all go away. Then he will be very mad and he will hit me very hard. I feel it all inside. It makes me feel scared. I make my breath all scratchy in my throat. Then I can feel it. When we get to the house, the man bangs on the door with the letterbox. I hope my dad doesn't hear it. But then Sheba barks very loud. She wakes everyone up. I don't look at Rachel. I don't look at the door. I don't see my dad come. The man has my arm very tight then I can’t run away. I wish he would get lost. I wish he didn't find me then I could run away for a long time. I tell him in my head I hate him.

  My dad opens the door. He has his dressing gown on. He looks at me and Rachel. He doesn't know why we are there. The man says he is sorry that he has to wake him up. He tells my dad he watches us all night long. We slept on the rocks. He waited until it was light to bring us home. He was sorry about it. I want to tell him good. He should be sorry. He should have left us alone.

  My dad asks what’s going on. I shrug my shoulders. My dad is nice to the man. The man gives my dad our bags. My dad tells the man thank you and he is sorry. I am always bad. I always do things like this. My dad says he has no idea why I do all these bad things. The man tells my dad it is okay. Then he goes away. I hate the stupid man and his stupid friends. My dad tells me and Rachel to come inside.

  My mum is downstairs too. She has her dressing gown on. Me and Rachel have to sit on the sofa. My dad goes to get dressed, then he comes back again. My mum stares at us. “Why?” she asks. But I don't answer her. I don't say anything.

  “Were you running away?” my dad says. I don't answer him either. He shouts very loud at me to answer. I nod my head. He asks me why like my mum did. “You have no reason to run away.”

  I do, but I don't say it. I think about it in my head. I make my mouth shut very tight then I don't say the words. I don't want to say because he has sex with me. But he does and so I run away. They don't love me. They don't like me. I have to do all the bad th
ings. My brother doesn't. I don't know why he doesn't. He is stupid but they love him. They don't love me. They like him better. I don't say it though. I don't tell them. I make my mouth stay closed and then they don't hear it.

  “You’re lucky to have such a good life here,” my dad says. “Some children don't and they would kill for your life.”

  I don't answer him. He is very mad about it all. He says he is going to take Rachel home. He calls her mum on the telephone first. Her mum isn't mad about it. She doesn't shout. When my dad comes back, he points at the dining room. “You can go and sit in there. If you move, you will have more than sleeping outside alone at night to worry about.”

  I don't look at him. I don't look at Rachel too. I make my mouth stop it. It tries to shake and the crying wants to start. I feel scared about it. My dad gets Rachel's bag and then he takes her home. My mum goes in the kitchen. She doesn't say anything to me. I don't move from the chair. I know I am in lots of trouble. I wish the stupid man just went away. My dad is going to shout when he comes back. I wait until I hear his car. I am very tired. I wish I could go to sleep. I try to make my legs and arms not shake. I can’t help it. They want to. Maybe I will be sick. I feel it inside when everything turns upside down.

  My mum comes into the dining room. “I bet it was her fault,” she says. “That Rachel is nothing but trouble. I don't know why she needs to run away and why she has to drag you with her. I'm not surprised with a mother like that. She’s probably being maltreated at home. But you’re not. I don't understand.”

  I don't answer my mum. My dad comes back. I hear the door be locked. My brother has woken up. He sits on the stairs. He knows I am in trouble too. That’s why he doesn't come down. I see my dad through the glass. I try not to cry. I try to make the shaking go away. My dad comes in very fast. He opens the door with a slam and then he runs over to me. I put my hands up. Maybe he will hit me. I say no very loud and I cry. My dad grabs my top and then he drags me off the chair. He does it so fast that I can’t walk. I nearly fall. Then my dad throws me in the lounge and I land on the floor. It hurts very bad.

  I don't get up. My brother starts to cry very loud. But my dad doesn't hear him. No one tells him to shut up. My dad runs to me again. I put my hands up and then he can’t grab me again. But he hits me in the face very hard. He sits on me and I try to put my hands in the way. He hits my arms and then when he hits me, my own hands hit my face. He doesn't stop it. I cry about it because it hurts very bad. I tell him to stop it. My brother cries loud too. He comes down the stairs and then he tries to make my dad stop it. My dad shouts at him to go away.

  My dad stands up then he pulls the belt out of his pants. He shouts at me. He tells me I embarrass the family. I have to be dragged home in the early hours of the morning by strangers. Then I make everyone say bad things about us because I make the family look stupid. My dad shouts loud. He tells me to get upstairs right now. I do. I run past my brother. He is crying very hard too. My dad runs up the stairs too. He is shouting lots of bad words at me.

  I go in my room. Then my dad comes in too. He bangs the door very hard. I get scared. Maybe all the glass in it smashes on the floor. But it doesn't. “Take your clothes off,” my dad shouts at me. But I can’t. I shake all over. I stand by the wall. I can’t make the crying stop. My nose all runs down my face and at my mouth. I tell my dad I am sorry. I try to say it but I can’t because I am crying too much and then the words sound stupid. My dad shouts it again to take my clothes off. But I don't want to. It hurts when he is mad at me. Then he does the sex thing very hard. I don't want him to do it.

  My dad comes over. I try to slide away so he doesn't hit me. But he doesn't. He grabs my arms and then he pulls my clothes off very hard. He pulls my top so much then it nearly takes my ears off. They hurt very bad. I try to hold onto my clothes but I can’t. My dad is stronger than me.

  My dad gets all my clothes off. Then he throws me on the bed. I don't want him to do the sex thing. I try to crawl away and get in the corner. My dad pulls my leg. He shouts at me to stay there. He gets his belt and he hits it across my legs and my bottom. It hurts very bad. It makes me scream very loud. It feels like he makes my skin get cut off. He does it again lots of times. He does it fast. It hurts too bad. I scream loud to make him stop but the words don't come out very well. It makes me wet the bed. I didn't mean to. I am twelve. Babies wet the bed. But I do it. I try to get in a ball. I can’t breathe because I cry so much. My dad doesn't listen. He shouts at me. He hates me so much. I always do this to the family. He wishes he didn't ever have me. He wishes he just had my brother. I make everything bad in the house. He says the words right at my face so I hear them. He tells me I should get up and go and play with the moving traffic. He doesn't want to talk to me or look at me. I make him feel disgusted. He stands up. Then he goes away and closes my door. I don't move.

  I don't get dressed. I hear my mum and dad shouting downstairs. I made everything bad again. I can’t keep the shaking away. I try to cry. But it is too big. I cry loud. It makes me want to be sick. But I can’t make the hurt parts inside go away. I hug myself tight. I make my nails dig in my arms and then I let the crying come out until my head hurts too much.

  I try to pull the cover on me because I am cold. But I don't let it touch my legs. They sting from my dad’s belt. My hands shake. I can’t do it very careful. I don't move from where I wet the bed. I go to sleep. I sleep for a very long time.

  It is dark when I open my eyes again. I slept all day long. No one came in my room. The bed is nearly dry too. I get my pyjamas from my pillow and then I pull them on. It makes me cry to move. I don't want to look at my legs. They are very sore. I wish I could get a drink. I wish I could go away. The crying starts again. My dad wishes I went away. I hug my arms around my head and make my hands pull my hair. My dad wants me to go away.

  I fall to sleep again.

  Forty One

  I wake up again. It is very dark. Maybe it is so dark no one can see anything. I don't hear any sounds. I try to, but maybe they all went away. It makes me feel scared to move. I try; I do it very quiet, then the bad man doesn't know I am awake. I don't want him to know. My legs are sore, it makes me hold my breathe. They sting very bad. I don't sit on my legs then they don't make me cry some more. I know I am bad. I know I was bad to run away. I wish I could tell my dad I am sorry. I didn't mean to make him very angry at me. I don't get anything right.

  I think my legs made me too hot. They feel like they are on fire. But I am very hot too. My Nan says when I get very hot she can cook eggs on me. She said that lots of times when I was very little. My hair is wet because I am too hot. It sticks to my face and feels funny. My face feels wrinkled from the bed. I didn't move when I was sleeping.

  I don't want to put my legs on the floor. I don't know if the bad man is there. Sometimes a long, long time ago when I was little, then he waited and he grabbed my legs. Then I couldn't get away from him and he pulled them very hard. He dug his nails in my legs and made me scream. I don't want to put my legs down in case he hides there and then he can get me. Then no one hears me and no one comes to help me. I just go to the light. Then he isn't there. I see his face in my head. I see his bad smile that he does. I see it very horrible. I count to three. Not four. Then I will run and get the light on. One, two, three, but then I am too scared to move. I wish I didn't fall asleep until it was dark. Then I wouldn't be scared about it. I am stupid.

  I think about my drink and some food. I didn't get any because I was asleep for a very long time. If I get my light on then I can go downstairs and I can get a drink. I think about it a lot. It makes me more hungry inside and then my mouth thinks about the drink. I need the toilet too. I didn't go there all day long either. It hurts when I move because I need the toilet very bad.

  My tummy shakes inside about it. One, two, three, then I jump off the bed and run to my light. I pull it very hard. It makes me scared in case it goes bang. Or maybe when I turn it on the bad man jumps at me and
he scares me. But he doesn't. I get my light on and there is no bad man.

  I open my door very quiet. Then I don't get shouted at about it. I look down the stairs. All the lights are off. My mum and dad went to bed and I didn't know. It makes my tummy turn over. I can’t stop the crying because I need the toilet and a drink. I can’t get any. I can’t go downstairs when it is dark. The bad man waits there. He will get me. I don't ever go down there by myself. I feel him hiding.

  I look at the clock next to my bed. It is a radio clock. It has bright red numbers. My dad gave it to me then I can go to sleep with the music on. It says it is 3:25am. Everyone has gone to bed. I was asleep and I didn't know. I slept for a very long time.

  I don't go to the bathroom. It makes me too scared. I know he is there and then he will jump out. I see it all in my head. It makes my neck feel spikey at the back. I don't like when it does that. It makes me need the toilet lots more because I am scared about it. My mum and dad are sleeping. My dad snores very loud. I wish they would wake up. Then I can go to the toilet. But I don't.

  I have a sink in my room. I am not allowed to use it. My mum says she will shout at me if I do. But I need to go to the toilet very bad. I sneak over there. Then my mum and dad don't hear me. I watch the door. Then I see if my mum or dad come when I use the sink for the toilet. The taps don't work. My dad turned them off. My mum and dad don't wake up. They don't come. I run back to my bed in case. Then they don't know. My mum will tell me I am very disgusting. But I had very bad tummy ache about it.

  I hug in the corner of my bed. Then the bad man can’t get me. I sit up. I make my legs not go on the bed properly. They hurt very bad. They feel like they are shiny and wet where my dad hit me. I don't want to look at them. Maybe it is very bad. I get my book and I try to read it. But my eyes keep looking around. Maybe the bad man can sneak when I am not looking. It makes me read the same words lots of times. I make my mouth say the words very quiet. Then I don't wake anyone. My eyes try to close lots of times. I try to make them stay open. They don't want to. I fall asleep.