Unforgiven (Wanderers #3)

by Jessica Miller

  I found Gabe right outside his room. “Gabe,” I called out to him, running down the hall to catch him before he went inside.

  He stopped and turned around. “Miss Ella, is there a problem?” he asked formally.

  “Okay seriously, I told you, just Ella.”

  “As your guardian it is my job to address you properly,” he said, putting emphasis on the word job.

  I inwardly cringed. Then I reminded myself why I was there. “Yeah, about that. I’m sorry.” I looked up and saw the lines around his eyes faded a little. “I was an ass yesterday and I didn’t mean what I said.” He crossed his arms over his chest as he thought about my words. I noticed for the first time what Cameron was talking about. To an outsider Gabe would be the ideal catch. He was very handsome and carried himself very well. I shook my head to clear my thoughts. “What I’m trying to say is you’ve done so much for me and all I’ve done is treated you like shit. You are not just my guardian. I consider you a friend, too,” I smiled at him.

  “Miss Ella,” he began to protest.

  “Just Ella,” I snapped then quickly apologized.

  I saw the slightest hint of a smile cross his face. “Ella,” he corrected. “I am partially to blame.”

  “Huh?” I looked at him, totally thrown off by his words.

  “I let the lines between personal involvement and professional go too far.”

  “Wait, I’m confused. Are you apologizing to me?”

  “Yes,” he said, letting his arms fall by his side.

  His face softened and I turned my head slightly. “What would you need to apologize for?”

  “I let my personal feelings interfere with my work and I should never have.”

  It took me a second before I realized what he was referring to. “Oh, you mean when I left,” I said, no longer able to meet him in the eyes. “Gabe, I wanted to tell you, but I was afraid you’d try and stop me. I’m sorry I left without a word. It was nothing personal.”

  “I wouldn’t have stopped you,” he said unexpected. “If I was in your position I would have done the same thing.”

  I looked up. “Really?”

  “I too know what it’s like to lose someone you love. If I heard they were alive I would stop at nothing to find them.”

  When I looked into his eyes I could swear I saw a small tear form. That was another shocking revelation. Not that I didn’t think Gabe was incapable of love, it was just that Gabe to me was always so serious and having a significant other would be the last thing he worried about or so I thought. He always acted like his job was his life and left little time for other things.

  “Then why were you mad at me for leaving?”

  “I wasn’t mad. I was…” he broke off not wanting to admit it. He was afraid of blurring the lines between personal and professional again.

  “You were worried about me?” He looked away. “Oh you big softie. You’re just an over grown teddy bear, aren’t you?” He glared down at me and I couldn’t help but laugh. “I really am sorry for being a bitch.”

  “I’m getting used to it,” he said, cracking a smile.

  I gave a dramatic gasp, making him smile even wider. “Very funny. I would almost say you’ve been hanging around me too much. I think I might be rubbing off on you.” I playfully hit his arm and he coughed uncomfortably making me smile. “So I guess this means we’re okay?” He nodded. “Can I come back to training with you then?” I asked hopeful. I didn’t want to get up in the morning, but if it meant training with Gabe I would do what I had to.

  “As much as I did enjoy our little sessions,” he said sarcastically. “I wasn’t wrong when I said you lack discipline.”

  “I can work on that I promise,” I jumped in.

  “I believe you will but you will do it with Zane.”

  “But I –”

  “Ella, Zane can work with you one on one and that’s what you need. It will also be good practice for him when he becomes a licensed trainer himself. I put you with Zane not to punish you, but to help you. I have faith that Zane can train you every bit as well as I can.”

  “I understand.”

  “Besides, I thought you’d be more than thrilled to get to sleep in. If not I can gladly give you someone else who –”

  “No, no. I’m good,” I said swiftly, not wanting to push my luck. He smiled and turned to open his door. “Hey Gabe?” He looked over his shoulder at me. I slipped in front of him and wrapped my arms around him. He stiffened at first, but then relaxed and hugged me back. “Thanks for worrying about me.” He patted my back and I let go. I walked away with a smile, but not before turning back around to see Gabe wearing a smile of his own. He nodded his head respectfully and then retreated to his room. My heart warmed as I headed down the steps and to my first class.

  I was making amends for my mistakes and it felt good. Next were the students I abandoned after the attacked. I had planned to stop by Aidan’s office to let him know my idea for the memorial. After my extensive research I had found the best way to honor them was to have a ceremony where we lit sky lanterns with the names of those we were honoring on them. Traditionally sky lanterns were used in celebrations, but I felt it was perfect for the fact that we should celebrate their lives instead of mourning them. I was hoping it would help to lift the spirits of those students who remained.

  I swung by Aidan’s office on my way to class and told him my idea. He loved it and said he would get right on it to get the supplies we needed. Having a slight hop in my step, I skipped on my way to class. I was finally on the right path and undoing all my wrongs. Next on my ‘to do’ list was Roman. I saved Roman for last because I knew he would be the hardest. I tried not to think about it too much so it wouldn’t burst my feel good mood. Even when Mr. Grant reprimanded me for being late and Mackenzie tried to trip me, I was still in good spirits. That was until I saw there were no seats except for one next to Roman. My good mood suddenly swooshed out of me as I took the only seat left. The moment I sat down Roman shifted away from me.

  Despite Roman being next on my list to make amends with, I wasn’t quite ready yet. I knew with Roman it would take time and a well thought out plan. Not wanting to let Roman fester with anger I decided to skip ahead and just jump right into it, but before I had the chance to say something Mr. Grant started his lecture. I took a deep breath and let it out. Okay, all I had to do was get through today and the next two days and then school was done for the year – well, for everyone else at least.

  All throughout class I would try to look at Roman from the corner of my eye to see if I could get a feel for his mood. The only thing I saw was rage and irritation and it was growing. Every time he would try to relax he would shift uncomfortably. Because of his long body he had no choice, but to be closer to me which clearly he did not like.

  I knew this wasn’t going to go well and I knew there was a possibility he might never forgive me, but we couldn’t continue to be this way around each other. Sometimes he looked as if I repulsed him and other times he just looked sad. Not wanting to spend the rest of the summer worrying about tiptoeing around Roman I thought I’d start with making an effort to keep the peace.

  Knowing he wouldn’t speak to me, I slipped him a note.

  We need to talk

  He looked it over, scribbled something, and passed it back.

  I have nothing to say to you

  Then you don’t have to say anything. You can just listen. Meet me behind the library after dinner.

  Mr. Grant dismissed the class before he had a chance to respond. I left for my next class before he could turn me down.

  “Ella, how are you? You look well,” Ms. Kraft greeted me with a smile.

  “I’ve been better,” I said honestly.

  “Did you find what you were looking for?”

  I looked at her curiously, wondering how she always knew. “I’m not sure,” I said, having no idea why I said that.

  “Sometimes when you set out to search for something, what you
find is not always what you truly intended to.” A part of me understood what she meant. “We seek for the truth to only find cracks in the foundation of what we once believed was the truth,” she spouted on. Okay now I was lost. She smiled gently grazing my cheek. “Trust me, soon enough you will understand.”

  The class was piling in so I went to take my seat only to find someone was already sitting there. I turned back to Ms. Kraft questioningly. “Oh Ella, I’m sorry I forgot. While you were gone we had to give Roman a temporary partner since I wasn’t sure when you would be returning. There is a desk in the back if you wouldn’t mind sitting there for the time being,” she said kindly.

  “No, that’s fine,” I said, walking back to the only single desk in the room. It was pushed up against the wall and I had to pull it out so I could sit. The desk was obviously not used very much and when I moved it, it shrieked across the floor making a noise like nails on a chalk board. Everyone turned to glare at me for making so much noise.

  I slid into my sear wanting to just disappear for the time being. I couldn’t even pay attention because I couldn’t stop staring at Roman. Even though his back was to me, I knew he could feel me watching. His posture, the slight shifts in his body, the way he would run his fingers through his hair, all indications of tense nerves.

  Throughout the rest of the day I couldn’t stop thinking about the meeting with Roman. I still didn’t know if he was even going to show. I thought about peeking into his head, but I promised myself I wouldn’t invade people’s privacy unless it was necessary. So I drove myself nuts all day wondering.

  At training, Zane just had me show him what I already learned and said we’d do a refresher course and go from there. I was happy to have an easy session our first time around. Being as distracted as I was, a refresher course helped keep my mind busy and off the meeting with Roman.

  After training I quickly showered – not bothering to dry my hair – and headed to dinner. I barely ate because I was so nervous. Dixon kept trying to get me to dish about Ireland and I just kept telling him I didn’t want to talk about it, but he wouldn’t leave it be. So I told him I found him and he dumped me, end of story. Thankfully he kept quiet for the rest of dinner.

  I left before everyone else. I was too antsy to sit around and wait. I headed to the back of the library. Despite how hot it was earlier, it certainly did cool off and I was regretting not drying my hair. On the way over my stomach was grumbling uneasily and I couldn’t do anything to calm it down. I had to keep reminding myself not to throw up all the way to the library.

  When I reached the back, to my disbelief, Roman was already there. I knew he sensed me because his back tensed the moment I stepped around the corner. “I wasn’t sure if you were going to show,” I said softly.

  “I didn’t think I was going to either,” he said gruffly.

  “What made you decide to come?” I asked, even though I was pretty sure I was pressing my luck.

  He turned around to face me and his expression showed slight remorse. I didn’t know if it was because he felt bad about what he said or because I looked pretty pathetic. I knew I had dark circles under my eyes for the lack of sleep and constant worry. I was wearing very unflattering clothes. I had on baggy sweats and one of Xander’s old high school t-shirts that I swiped before I left. With my hair still soaking wet it just made me look unkempt and malnourished. The darkness made my already pale skin glow white in the moonlight.

  Roman’s face flinched slightly and then he went back to his normal scowl. “You wanted to talk so talk,” he growled. I took a deep breath knowing this wasn’t going to go easy. I had to do this right, but I didn’t even know where to begin. There was so much that had to be said and I didn’t exactly have time to work through what I wanted to say. “I don’t have all night,” Roman said impatiently.

  “Okay, well, I wanted to talk to you because I…I apologized to Gabe.” That was the best thing I could start with.

  “That’s just great. Is that all?” he asked. His body language indicated he wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible.

  “No,” I fidgeted with my thumbs. “We need to talk about us.”

  “There is no us.”

  “I know, but we need to at least learn how to be civil with each other. We’re going to be stuck together the whole summer and I just thought maybe we could…I don’t know…I think neither of us wants to spend the summer miserable.”

  “Ha,” he laughed. “I’m fine, better than fine actually. You did me a favor. So thank you,” he smiled cockily and pulled out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. “The only one who’s going to miserable this summer is you and excuse me for saying you deserve to be.” He leaned up against the wall casually and lit up.

  I bit my lip trying not to cry. Then I chastised myself for not being stronger. Roman stared at me while he took a puff of his cigarette. I crossed my arms over my chest feeling a cold chill run up and down my spine. I wasn’t sure if it was his cold stare or the chilly night that was making me feel like this, but either way I didn’t like it. “I can understand if you hate me and I’m not asking for your forgiveness,” I said, my teeth chattering. “But I need you to at least hear me out.”

  He stood up straight and I thought he was going to take off. When he just stood there I took it as a sign to continue. “I need you to understand why I did what I did.”

  “I really don’t want to hear the details of your infidelity,” he said, narrowing his eyes at me.

  “That’s not what I…” I paused trying to come up with a better approach. “I love you Roman,” I blurted out.

  “You have a funny way of showing it.”

  “I messed up. I know I did. I can’t go back and fix it. People make mistakes. I’m not perfect and I don’t always do the right thing or make the best decision. I just wanted you to know that I never stopped loving you or thinking about you.”

  “Then why did you leave!” he yelled. I flinched at the power in his voice. “If you loved me so much why didn’t you tell me what was going on? Something or anything would have been better then you leaving without so much as a goodbye.”

  “I couldn’t tell you because I didn’t know how to explain it to you. I didn’t want you to think I was leaving you because I wasn’t. I only planned to find him. I just needed to know he was alive.”

  “And where is lover boy now?”

  “He…he said it would be better if we were friends. That I should go home and live my life as it was. Without him,” I whispered, having a hard time choking out the words.

  Roman threw his head back and laughed. “So lover boy dumps you and you what, come crawling back to me expecting I’d take you back, just like that?”

  “No, that’s not it.” But wasn’t it? It was never my intention to do that, but now that he said it it almost seemed as if that was what I was doing.

  His brows pinched together and I knew he was about to lose it. “You have any idea what I went through? Not knowing what happened to you or where you were? I thought Jack came back and kidnapped you…I thought…” he stopped to collect himself. “It doesn’t matter what I thought,” he said, straightening his spine. He took a step out of the shadows and I saw how hard he was struggling to keep it together.

  “Roman I’m sorry,” I said, feeling the tears start to drip down my face. “You deserve better. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the person you needed me to be. I won’t bother you anymore. I just thought you should know that I never stopped loving you and I never meant to hurt you.” I turned to walk away, not wanting him to see me cry. He was behind me in a flash and I felt his hand on my shoulder. I recoiled from the touch. His flesh was so hot against my clammy skin. My reaction made him drop his hand. “I’m sorry. It’s…I’m so cold and you’re so hot you burned me.”

  “I would have understood if you just told me. I wouldn’t have stood in your way.”

  I took a step back to look in his eyes and I saw nothing but sincere honesty. “How was I supposed
to know that?”

  “Because I was your boyfriend Ella. You should have trusted me.”

  “I did. I do trust you…I just didn’t want to hurt you or worse…lose you,” I said, instinctively reaching for him.

  “You already did lose me,” he said, walking away.

  I panicked. I didn’t want it to end this way. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. “What about your promise,” I called and he froze. “Your promise for no more arguing. That no matter what happens from now on we’ll agree to disagree.” It was a stretch but I got his attention.

  “Ella that’s not fair.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because this is completely different. You slept with someone else!”

  Hearing it from his lips was more painful than admitting it. “I did and no amount of apologizing is going to make it right. I can tell you I’m sorry until I’m blue in the face, but you will never get past the fact that I was with someone else.” It was more of a statement than a question. “I just want to know, do you still love me?” I asked, staring straight into his dark blue eyes. Even if he said no I knew he was lying, but I had to hear him say it. I could see it in his face, his eyes, the way his body fidgeted, just like it did every time he wanted to wrap his arms around me.

  “I do love you,” he admitted, making my heart beat double time.

  “Why can’t we start over then?”

  “I think we should get you back inside before you freeze to death,” he said, ignoring my question.

  I shook off his hand. “I’m fine. Answer my question. Do you want to be with me?”

  “Yes Ella…I still want to be with you.”

  “Then why can’t we be together?” I placed my hands on his chest, resisting the urge to pull away from the stinging it was causing me.