Following Your Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  Susan watched him go before going back to where Teresa was standing beside the buggy.

  “This deacon didn’t say anything about me, did he?” Teresa asked, grasping Susan’s arm when she arrived.

  “I’m sure Deacon Ray asked about you,” Susan said. “And knowing Daett, he told him everything.”

  “Everything? Did he have to?” Teresa moaned. “And this soon?”

  “I’m afraid he did,” Susan said. “It’s the way of our people, and I guess it’s best if we get things out in the open. I think you’ll be okay.”

  “Dear God in heaven, please spare my soul,” Teresa whispered.

  CHAPTER FOUR

  Susan stood in the stillness of the winter evening, watching the last of the quick snow shower passing by outside her bedroom window. Already the wind gusts were quieting down. The bare tree limbs were outlined against the scurrying clouds. In the yard below, Daett walked toward the barn, his black coat collar turned up, his hat pulled low on his head. He stopped to open the barnyard gate before disappearing from sight around the side of the barn.

  Winter was far from over, that was for sure, Susan thought, pushing the drapes back to look further down the road. Dim buggy lights could be seen approaching the house, but at this early evening hour it could be anyone. Would this be Thomas coming, as Daett had predicted? It was possible, but tonight would be a little early even for him. She strained her eyes down the road, but the buggy was still too far away to recognize.

  Obviously Thomas still felt he was in love with her. Susan laughed out loud at the thought. What did the boy know about love? He was an Amish cabinetmaker’s son, still wet behind the ears. Thinking he could kiss Eunice and get away with it.

  Not that Susan had always thought so negatively about the boy. There had been a time when she thought the sun rose and set on Thomas. How things had changed. She’d never dated anyone else from the community. That was the way things had turned out. Since their school days, Susan and Thomas had made eyes at each other, and from there things had simply happened. Just as they had happened for others who had grown up and married in the colony. It was like the sun rising in the sky. Like the wind blowing across the fields. Like the clouds racing across the sky. Susan sighed, thinking about the past. Well, that might all be gut enough for Thomas to go back to, but it was no longer gut enough for her.

  Thomas would no doubt come to say he was sorry, and that he didn’t mean what had happened to happen. Well, it had happened. Thomas had kissed Eunice right outside the washroom door that Sunday night. Thomas couldn’t explain that away—not in a hundred years.

  So then why wasn’t Thomas seeing Eunice now? Mamm hadn’t even mentioned Eunice since Susan had come back. It was as if Eunice didn’t exist. Well, let Mamm and Daett ignore Eunice. She might be forgotten and unnoticed by all of them, but she was still there. Very there.

  Eunice would no doubt be at the service on Sunday, casting her brown eyes dutifully to the floor at the sight of Susan. Well, the girl ought to be ashamed of herself. And what had Eunice been doing with those eyes the past few months? Likely they had been fixed on Thomas. Probably trying to lure Thomas into more kisses or at least into taking her home Sunday nights.

  Susan pinched the drapes hard with both hands. Why did this still bother her? Most of her time in Asbury Park had been spent trying to get rid of Thomas’s memory. So why was she even thinking about him now that she had come home? And why was she back at all? The answer was, of course, Teresa. But, given enough time, Susan knew she would likely have come back on her own.

  She looked again for the buggy on the road, but it was gone now.

  With a sigh, her thoughts continued. Was it even possible that one could get up and just walk away from so much that had been taken for granted? She had tried, but the pull had still been there. It had been there while she studied above the bakery for her driver’s license and GED exam. It had been there during the nights alone in bed. It had been there while Robby was giving her driving lessons, and the longing had even been there in the midst of their laughter together.

  Home had always been in the back of her mind, and it would likely remain no matter where she walked the earth. It was frustrating, but it was nevertheless true. She would either have to figure out how to finally leave for good or stay for good. But which? To stay would require making peace with Thomas.

  Susan slapped the drapes at the thought. No doubt Thomas would say love was the answer to all the gut things in life. This love Thomas talked about was the kind of love the community expressed to each other whenever one of them was in need. It was the kind of love the Amish farmer had for his land. It was the kind of love they passed down from generation to generation through the traditions of the fathers. And above all, it was that gut kind of love a man had for his wife.

  This love was enough to satisfy any hurting soul, Thomas would say. And he, of course, was the best man to give her this love. Well, Thomas was in for a surprise. She was not ready to mend fences with him. If he was so eager to be in love, let him love Eunice.

  Susan heard footsteps below and the sound of Mamm’s voice carried up the stairwell. “Daett is coming in, and it’s time for evening prayers.”

  Susan glanced out to the backyard at the figure of Daett walking toward the house in the dim light. He looked old, bowed with care, as if the weight of the whole world was on his shoulders. Tears sprang to her eyes, and the thought raced through her mind. Was she to blame for this sorrow in Daett’s old age? Was she adding to the weight which bore down on him? Likely. Yet how else could things be? She wasn’t like her sisters, compliant and meek, agreeing to marry off regardless what capers their boyfriend had pulled off.

  Miriam’s Joe had dropped her for two months and started to see a girl from Holmes County he had met at a wedding. “Men are like that,” one of the girls had whispered at the hymn singing in the weeks after Miriam’s jilting. “They’re shifty and always looking for a better bargain.” But Susan had asked, and Miriam said this wasn’t true. She said Joe would come back. And she had been right. Miriam had taken Joe back the Sunday after the girl from Holmes changed her mind.

  “Be like Miriam,” Susan remembered her mamm saying after she’d finally shared Thomas’s betrayal with Eunice. “It happens all the time. Boys have their moments before they are married. But once the vows are said, it seals their hearts forever.” Yes, that was what Mamm had said. And it was also the way of the community. Susan wondered if it was really true. Perhaps many of them did seal their hearts with vows of faithfulness, but did the wildness of all that had gone on before just lie down and die?

  “Susan!” Mamm called again.

  Susan forced herself to move. She made her way downstairs. Teresa was already seated on the couch with little Samuel in her arms. Faking a smile, Susan sat down beside her. Shuffling noises came from the washroom and then silence. A few moments later the door swung open and Daett came in.

  “We’re waiting,” Mamm told him. “I knew you wanted an early bedtime tonight.”

  “Yah,” Menno said, his face sober. “The visit from the deacon has wearied me greatly. And I fear what is yet to come.”

  “Ach,” Mamm said. “You shouldn’t speak of such things in front of the girls.”

  “I know,” Menno said. “And I’m sorry. I know it’s my responsibility to bear the burden before Da Hah.”

  “Who was the buggy that just went by?” Mamm asked.

  Menno took his seat on the rocker.

  “I think it was one of Ada’s children,” he said. “They must have been out on some errand.”

  Well, Susan thought, at least it wasn’t Thomas. I’m spared for another night.

  “Let us pray,” Daett said. Menno knelt in front of his rocker as he opened the prayer book. Susan got to her knees, and Teresa followed suit, laying baby Samuel on the couch in front of her.

  “Almighty God and heavenly Father,” Menno prayed, “we ask of You, the One who sees and knows all our weaknes
s and failures, that You would help us. You know that we can of ourselves see nothing or find our way in the world of weakness and sin. You alone, oh holy God, are the light and the lamp that falls on our path. Give us, oh heavenly Father, grace, that we might give to each other that same grace. Give us courage to follow Your ways. We ask in Spirit and in truth, oh great God. We ask that we might live lives that bring You praise and glory. We ask that we might serve You, and together walk in hope, in obedience, and onward to eternal life. Amen.”

  Susan stood and picked up Samuel before Teresa got to her feet.

  Teresa pushed herself up, her face tense. She followed Susan silently upstairs. When they got to her room, Teresa asked, “Does your dad always pray like that?”

  “Yah, we have prayers every night, just like we’ve had since you’ve been here,” Susan replied.

  “I mean…well, it seemed like your dad prayed extra hard tonight.”

  Susan shrugged. “He’s probably worried about the deacon’s visit.”

  “I hope I pray like that someday,” Teresa said. “I want real faith burning in my heart.”

  “I’d say you’ve already come a long way,” Susan said. “You’re here, aren’t you?”

  Outside the faint sound of buggy wheels clattered in the driveway. Susan held still. Behind her Teresa collapsed on the bed, and little Samuel, in her arms, started crying.

  “It’s the deacon coming for me!” Teresa wailed.

  “Shhh…” Susan whispered. “That makes no sense at all. And we don’t make loud fusses like that regardless of what is happening.”

  “I’m sorry,” Teresa said, choking back further sobs and words.

  “I’ll go see who it is,” Susan said, disappearing into her room.

  Don’t let it be Thomas, she prayed silently. A quick look from her window would tell. Surely Deacon Ray would have enough sense to come during the daytime, but a person could never be sure. Her words to Teresa were brave, but news of Teresa’s unwed state while she was staying at the Hostetler place might already be running through the whole community and creating unrest. She had faith it would all turn out okay, but having Deacon Ray downstairs would be enough to shake her hope. Why did she ever think Teresa could come here and fit in? Everything had looked so different from Asbury Park.

  Pushing back the drapes, Susan groaned at the sight of Thomas tying his horse to the hitching rack. His back was toward her, and his hat was tilted sideways on his head. Obviously the boy hadn’t changed a bit. Perhaps she should send Mamm to the door again. She could tell Thomas to drive his horse right back out to the road and be gone. But that would only delay the inevitable. Plus Mamm’s pained look would be written all over her face. Clearly Thomas would have to be faced by her tonight.

  “It’s that old lover boy of mine,” Susan said once she was back in Teresa’s room.

  “Thomas!” Teresa said with relief.

  “I’m afraid so,” Susan said. “I’ll have to go out and speak with him.”

  “So how do you feel about him?” Teresa asked. “Do you love him?”

  “I used to,” Susan admitted. “But I don’t now. I guess I’ll have to go down and renew his acquaintance with the word ‘no.’ ”

  “Don’t be too hard on him now,” Teresa said. “Even though I’ve never seen him, he probably likes you. It’s wonderful to have someone feel that way about you.”

  Susan tried to smile for Teresa’s sake. She walked into the hall and shut the door behind her. As she came through the bottom stairway door, Mamm was waiting for her in the living room. She was wringing her hands.

  “He’s come back, Susan,” Mamm said. “Oh, he’s come back. Do make things right with Thomas, Susan. Please. Will you? Will you at least try?”

  “I’ll speak with him,” Susan said. “That’s all I can promise.”

  “Speak with great care, Susan,” Menno said from the rocker as a knock sounded on the front door. “The boy loves you.”

  Susan didn’t answer. She grabbed her coat from the washroom and then walked to the front door. She opened it, stepped outside, and closed the door behind her.

  “Well, good evening. I see I was expected,” Thomas said, stepping back.

  “Don’t give yourself airs!” Susan snapped, making her way down the steps.

  “Where are you going?” Thomas called after her.

  “Out to the barn where this conversation is appropriate,” she said.

  “What are you talking about, Susan?” Thomas asked, running to catch up with her. “I’ve been trying to speak with you for the longest time. I even traveled to Asbury Park to visit you, but you’d left already.”

  “That’s all well and good,” Susan said over her shoulder. “But it doesn’t solve your Eunice problem. Remember? You were kissing her the last time I was with you.”

  “Come on now,” Thomas said. “That was a long time ago. And you’re not without your faults, from what I hear. That woman in Asbury Park spoke of a Mr. Moran—or something like that. And a Robby too. Sounds like you were quite busy after you left here.”

  “We can talk out here!” Susan jerked open the barn door and stepped into the darkness.

  “You have a lantern, don’t you?” Thomas asked as he followed her inside. He looked around, the dim light coming though the barn windows just revealing Susan’s face.

  “Yah, Daett keeps one on the shelf,” Susan said, putting action to her words. She grabbed the lantern, pumped it up, struck a match, and held it under the mantle. The lantern was still warm under her hands from when her daett had been in the barn earlier. The light came on with a soft poof when she turned the gas knob. Shielding her face with one hand from the sudden light, Susan left the lantern sitting where it was and turned to face Thomas.

  He was as good-looking as always. He had a face that could send shivers around any woman’s heart. Confident and poised, Thomas was. He’d always plucked her heartstrings with ease. But that had been until another girl plucked his.

  “Well, aren’t you going to wish me welcome home again?” she asked when he didn’t say anything.

  “Welcome home, Susan,” he said, a smile spreading across his face. “I really am glad to see you. And I’m glad I finally have a chance to tell you how really sorry I am.”

  “Are you? And how is little Miss Eunice doing? Have you been giving her any buggy rides?”

  “Now, Susan, really.” Thomas stepped closer. “You know I don’t love the girl. And I don’t know what happened to me that night at the hymn singing. It’s just that I began noticing her, and it was like I couldn’t help myself. But she’s not the girl I want to marry, Susan. You know that. And look at us. We’ve known each other since our school days. What could ever come between such a relationship?”

  “Apparently a girl.” Susan met his gaze. “And it wasn’t just suddenly, Thomas. You had been noticing Eunice for a long time. I know that now, and I knew it then. I guess I was ignoring your wandering eyes, hoping they would tame down. But that’s not what happened. They acted on what they saw. And so now, as far as I’m concerned, you can see all of Eunice you wish to see.”

  “Is that why you took off?” he asked. “Without even giving me a chance to explain myself? Susan… really… that wasn’t necessary at all. I love you! We can make a go of things. We really can.”

  “Are you afraid I found out there are other men in the world?” she asked. “Is that what’s bothering you, Thomas?”

  A pained look crossed his face. “Please, Susan. I’ve always known how wonderful you are. I’ve known that since we were children. We shouldn’t just throw all that away. And now that you’re back and we’ve had a chance to talk, please let’s make things right between us. Because it would be so gut to have you by my side in the buggy on Sunday nights again.”

  “Thomas, it just wouldn’t work. I’d still be seeing you kissing Eunice that night after the hymn singing.”

  He swallowed hard. “Then I will wait until you’re willing,” he finally
said. “I will wait for whatever time it takes.”

  “That is if I even decide to stay, Thomas,” she said. “I don’t know yet that I will. I’ve been out in the world now, and I’ve seen things. You may have a mighty long wait.”

  A frown played on his handsome features. “I’ve seen your city, Susan. And it’s not a place for people like us. We belong close to the earth, and to Da Hah, and to each other.”

  “Well…” She paused. “We will have to see about that, but in the meantime my answer to you is no. Please let that sink deep into your thick head. And don’t come around anymore. We have lots of work to do and things to deal with since Teresa came home with me.”

  “That’s another thing,” he said, trying to take both of her hands in his. But she pulled away. “Why did you bring a girl from the world home, Susan? It can bring nothing but trouble for our people. I know you and your parents can’t be blamed because you have soft hearts in such matters. But send her away, Susan. Please, before it’s too late.”

  “I will do no such thing,” Susan said. “Teresa has her heart set on joining our people, and I’ll help her if that’s what she wants.”

  “Your folks are getting old,” he insisted. “Think about them, Susan. The farm needs better keeping than what your father can give it. We could be marrying this year. Think about that. You don’t really want to go messing that all up over an Englisha girl you hardly know.”

  “It’s a no, Thomas,” Susan repeated. “That’s no, spelled n-o. And the farm will be taken care of. Don’t you be worrying about that.”

  “Okay,” he said, hanging his head. “But remember, I’m not giving up. We have too much going for us, Susan, to throw it away.”

  “Goodnight, Thomas,” Susan said, turning her back to him.

  “Goodnight.” He turned and walked slowly out of the barn.

  Susan waited until the buggy wheels had died away before turning out the lantern. In the darkness she found the barn door and opened it. She stepped into the night air. Pulling her coat around herself, she walked toward the house.