Following Your Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  CHAPTER FIVE

  Snow lashed against the windows of her mamm and daett’s bedroom, piling little drifts on the ledges before blowing them away again. Susan heard faint bumps and bangs sounding from the basement as heat poured out of the floor register and rose toward the tall ceilings of the old farmhouse. She ran a damp cloth over the top of the dresser and glanced over to the corner of the room where Teresa was sweeping in earnest.

  “The room doesn’t have to be really, really, clean,” Susan said.

  “But Amish houses are spotless,” Teresa said. “They aren’t like Mom’s apartment, where we seldom cleaned. I want to learn how to be a good Amish woman.”

  “We’ll do all the deep cleaning during spring cleaning in a few months,” Susan said. “Then even the walls are scrubbed down thoroughly. For now, Saturday cleanings are more general. You just sweep the floor of visible things.”

  “Oh,” Teresa said, moving out of the corner. “But you’ll be sure to tell me when I’m not doing things well enough, okay?”

  “You’re doing just fine,” Susan assured her. “We’ll move upstairs once we’re done in here.”

  “Is this what you always do on Saturdays? Clean the house?” Teresa asked.

  “Usually, although I don’t know if Mamm cleaned the upstairs every week while I was gone. She probably did her bedroom and the rest of the first floor.”

  Teresa paused to watch the snow blow against the windowpane.

  “This is like a cleaning of the soul,” she finally said. “It’s like preparing to meet God tomorrow.”

  “The snow is?” Susan asked, stopping her work.

  “No, the cleaning of the house. It’s wonderful, this custom. It’s like a reminder to also take time to clean the heart.”

  Susan resumed her dusting. “Well, I guess it kind of is. I hadn’t thought of it like that before. Daett always makes sure things slow down on Saturday afternoon so we have time to catch our breath. There’s a lot of work that goes into running a farm.”

  “Do you think I’ll have time to read the Bible this evening?” Teresa said. “Do you have an Englisha one in the house I can use?”

  “You can use mine,” Susan said. “It has Englisha and German side by side.”

  Teresa’s face shone with delight in the dim light of the bedroom. “Perhaps you can suggest what I should read. Something to prepare my soul for the meeting tomorrow.”

  “I don’t know,” Susan said after a moment’s thought. “I suppose one of the psalms would do. King David had gut things to say about going to Da Hah’s house.”

  “Then I will read from the book of Psalms,” Teresa whispered, sweeping again. “I will cleanse my soul and go to meet God tomorrow.”

  “You really shouldn’t make such a big deal out of this,” Susan said. “It’s just church. I’ve been going all my life. And God can be found in other places too.”

  “That’s because you don’t see how wonderful you have things,” Teresa said, pausing to watch the snow move past the window. “Here in the community things are clean and spotless and new.”

  “Well, I guess they are,” Susan said, realizing that Teresa would learn soon enough that no one in the community considered themselves perfect.

  “Let’s move upstairs now,” she said. “This room is done. Not quite spotless, but gut enough. That’s sort of the way we are too, Teresa. I hope you can learn to take us that way. We aren’t perfect, you know. And we never will be.”

  Teresa said nothing but followed Susan out of the bedroom. At the kitchen doorway, Susan paused to say, “We’re going upstairs, Mamm.”

  “Just a minute,” Mamm said, standing at the kitchen sink and looking out the window. “Daett’s bringing in more wood from behind the barn right now. He might need some help.”

  Susan walked to the kitchen window to glance at her daett’s form struggling across the yard with an armful of wood. She went through the washroom and opened the outer door. “Do you need help, Daett?” she called.

  He shook his head and kept coming.

  “He’s okay,” Susan told Mamm when she went back into the kitchen.

  Mamm nodded, still watching Menno coming across the yard.

  “What’s on our list for the rest of the day?” Susan asked, holding the stair door open.

  Teresa stood by, waiting to follow her upstairs.

  “I think we’ll take the rest of the afternoon off,” Mamm said. “Or we could bake, but this is Teresa’s first Saturday here. Perhaps we’ll save baking for another day.”

  “Don’t worry about me,” Teresa said. “I know I won’t be much help with baking, but I’ll be glad to watch and learn.”

  “We have plenty of food in the house,” Susan said. “I’m for taking the rest of the day off.”

  “Some of your sisters will probably be coming over tomorrow to visit,” Mamm said, her brow wrinkled. “Should we make something more? But I guess we can feed them popcorn and apple cider.”

  “They’ll all be bringing something if they come,” Susan said.

  “I suppose so,” Mamm replied. “I think I could stand a little time off myself.”

  “On a snowy day, that would be perfect,” Susan agreed. “So let’s get this cleaning done, Teresa.”

  As she followed Susan up the stairs, Teresa said, “Your mom’s such a sweet person. I’ll work extra hard next Saturday.”

  “You’ll do no such thing,” Susan said. “Now, let’s start in my room, and then we’ll move to yours if Samuel’s awake by then. If not, we’ll do the others first.”

  Following Susan into the bedroom, Teresa swept the floor. Pausing in front of the closet, Susan fingered through her dresses, stopping at a dark-blue one. “Teresa, come over here.”

  “Yes?” Teresa stepped closer. “What is it?”

  “This is the dress you’re wearing tomorrow,” Susan said.

  “But it’s yours,” Teresa protested.

  “Yah, but it will fit better than my sister’s old one you were planning on wearing.”

  Teresa stared at the dress. “I can’t wear that one,” she said. “Why, it looks like one of your best ones. Really, Susan.”

  “Come!” Susan motioned with her hand, holding the dress up beside Teresa. “A perfect fit I say. We won’t even have to adjust anything.”

  “I can wear what I’m wearing now.” Teresa pulled back. “I really can’t take one of yours, and one of your best, I’m sure.”

  Susan giggled. “It is my best dress, Teresa. The one that makes Thomas swoon, and you’re wearing it. Here, I want you to try it on now.”

  Teresa just stood there as Susan pulled the pins out of Teresa’s work dress. She lifted her arms as Susan pulled the dress up over her head.

  Taking the dark-blue dress from the bed, Susan gave it a gentle shake before she brought the dress over Teresa’s outstretched arms. Pinning the dress in two places, Susan stepped back. “It’s perfect!” Susan pronounced. “Just perfect.”

  “Oh, I can’t stand this!” Teresa said. “It’s so…not right.”

  “You need to stop making a fuss about everything,” Susan said, pulling the pins out.

  “I know,” Teresa said, lifting her arms. “But right now I feel like a princess being dressed and undressed by her maid. And here I am the one who should be the maid.”

  “You are a princess, Teresa, and a very special one, so quit running yourself down,” Susan said, handing Teresa the work dress and waiting as she slipped it over her head. Samuel’s cry came from across the hall before Teresa was done sticking the pins in.

  “Careful,” Susan said moments before Teresa’s muffled “Ouch.”

  “See, you should let me help you,” Susan said. “There’s a trick to this you haven’t learned yet.”

  “I’ll get it yet!” Teresa laughed. “Let me take care of Samuel. I’ll be right back.”

  “Okay. Don’t hurry,” Susan called toward Teresa’s retreating back. She continued her cleaning and then walked
across the hall into the bedroom where Samuel was lying contentedly on Teresa’s lap.

  “He looks happy,” Susan said.

  “With his tummy full, and his mama with him, he should be,” Teresa said. Then her face clouded over. “There’s only one thing missing in his life—a daddy.”

  “Don’t waste energy worrying about things that can’t be helped,” Susan said. “That’s how we do things in the community. So relax this afternoon. You must be exhausted from all the new things you’re learning. And tomorrow is Sunday.”

  “Yes, Sunday,” Teresa repeated, getting to her feet and placing Samuel gently on the bed. She grabbed her broom as Samuel’s eyes searched the ceiling. “I can hardly wait, Susan! Let’s finish this room while Samuel’s still awake.”

  “He’s such a darling,” Susan said, stopping to kiss Samuel before she began dusting.

  When they were finished, Susan wrapped Samuel in his blanket and took him with her as they moved to the next room. Before lunchtime arrived, they had completed the last bedroom and gone downstairs where Mamm had sandwiches ready. Menno was already at the kitchen table. He motioned for them to be seated.

  They bowed their heads in prayer and ate in silence. Susan kept her eye on Teresa to see if she would show signs of embarrassment as the silence continued. But Teresa seemed to be enjoying the peace.

  “The snow’s getting ready to quit,” Menno said when he was done. He pushed back his chair and stood. “I think I’ll shovel off the walk one last time. Even with the snow, we have much to be thankful for. It looks like it’s going to be a beautiful Lord’s Day tomorrow.” Menno didn’t wait for an answer. He went out the kitchen door into the washroom.

  Moments later Susan heard the outside washroom door open and close.

  “How can he tell what the weather will be tomorrow?” Teresa asked. “There’s no radio or television.”

  Anna smiled. “Menno isn’t always right, but it comes from years of working close to the soil and being outside. And he’s got a barometer out in the barn. I would guess it’s rising.”

  “That’s still so awesome,” Teresa said, watching a few stray snowflakes floating past the living room window.

  “Oh no!” Susan gasped, following Teresa’s gaze. “There’s a buggy coming in from the north.”

  “Well, if you didn’t give Thomas such rude welcomes, he wouldn’t have to keep coming back so often,” Mamm said.

  “Mamm, it’s not Thomas,” Susan said, her voice rising. “It’s Deacon Ray’s buggy.”

  “Oh no!” Anna said, jumping to her feet. “I wonder what he wants?”

  “You know what he wants,” Susan said, grabbing Teresa by the arm. “Let’s get you upstairs and out of sight.”

  “You shouldn’t do that,” Mamm said. “If the man wants to speak with Teresa, there’s nothing we can do about it. You’ll just be putting trouble off until some other day.”

  Susan let go of Teresa’s arm and moved to the living room window.

  “He’s not coming in,” Susan said after she’d watched awhile. “Looks like he’s planning to speak with Daett in the barn.”

  “Come away from the window,” Anna commanded. “It’s not proper that he sees you staring out at him.”

  “Please invite him to come in,” Teresa said, now seated on the couch with Samuel in her arms. “I don’t want you taking anything bad for me. I’m the one who deserves whatever the man has to say.”

  “He shouldn’t be saying anything,” Susan muttered. “Daett already told him everything he needs to know. You would think they could give a soul a little peace around here.”

  Teresa’s voice trembled. “I’m sure he’s a man of God and knows what’s right and wrong. I’m willing to speak with him and listen to what he has to say.”

  “That’s very gut of you,” Mamm said, her lips pressed together. “You already speak as one of our people should.”

  “Well, don’t speak for me,” Susan said. “I want to hear what he has to say first before I agree with him. I can’t imagine that anything has to be done so quickly. We haven’t even been to church yet. And it’s not like I’ve brought the world home with me.”

  “Perhaps he thinks so,” Teresa said. “You know what I’ve done.”

  “But we have all sinned,” Mamm said, sitting down beside Teresa and holding her hand. “Perhaps Deacon Ray brings gut news for us all.”

  “I wouldn’t be counting on that,” Susan muttered, still standing at the window. “I saw how he looked at us the other day.”

  “Is he still speaking with Daett?” Mamm asked, still holding Teresa’s hand.

  “Yah, but it looks like he’s getting ready to leave.”

  “Then it must be gut news he brings,” Anna said, trying to smile. “He wouldn’t be leaving without speaking with Teresa if it wasn’t.”

  “That would be nice to think, but I don’t believe it,” Susan said. “Oh, gut, he leaving. He’s climbing into his buggy now.”

  Silence filled the room as they waited, even Samuel holding still as if he felt the tension in the air.

  “Daett is coming in,” Susan announced moments later.

  Menno entered by the washroom door, making bumping noises as he cleaned up.

  Susan knew he was removing his coat and boots.

  Her daett opened the kitchen door, appearing seconds later in the doorway, his hand stroking his beard.

  “Well, sit down and tell us what Deacon Ray wanted,” Mamm said, motioning toward his rocker.

  “Perhaps I should speak with you first,” Menno said.

  “Perhaps you should,” Mamm agreed.

  Teresa held up her hand. “Please. If this is about me, will you tell me now? I need to know.”

  Menno looked at Mamm and nodded. “Yah, it might be for the best. We cannot hide what has happened.”

  “Menno, please,” Mamm said. “Do not tell us there is bad news.”

  “I must say what I must say. The ministry has met this morning, and Deacon Ray has come to tell us what they decided. They are not allowing Teresa to attend the church services. If we wish to keep her in the house, then that is up to us. But she is not to mingle with the people.”

  “Daett!” Susan gasped. “This cannot be true.”

  Mamm had jumped to her feet, her face white.

  “This is a hard thing, Menno,” she said. “How can this be?”

  Menno hung his head. “I don’t know. But I do know I can do nothing about this.”

  Susan rushed over to Teresa. Surely her friend would burst into tears any moment.

  Instead Teresa held up her hand, her face set hard.

  “I will submit to whatever has been decided,” she said. “But can Samuel go to the church services?”

  Menno looked at Mamm and shrugged. “Deacon Ray didn’t say…” He slowly nodded. “I suppose the child can go.”

  “Then that’s good enough for me,” Teresa said, tears now springing to her eyes.

  Susan wrapped an arm around her shoulder as Teresa choked out a sob.

  “At least my son will grow up to be an Amish man of God,” she said. “What happens with me doesn’t matter.”

  “See, she already speaks as one of our people,” Mamm said, looking over at Menno. “Yet she isn’t. Does that not count for something?”

  Menno kept his head low, his eyes looking to the hardwood floor.

  CHAPTER SIX

  They all knelt around the living room for Sunday morning prayers. Menno’s voice led out. “And now, our great Father in heaven, Master of the universe and full of glory, look upon Your humble children and grant us Your grace. Without You, oh mighty God, we are but dust that the wind blows away and like the grass that tomorrow is no more. Help us, oh God, and leave us not without Your Spirit.

  “Give us now, if it pleases You, a day gifted with Your presence and food for our souls that we might be nourished and strengthened for our journey through this earth. Let us never forget that we are but pilgrims and strangers
with no abiding presence on this lowly soil. We ask this all in Your most holy name. Amen.”

  Susan waited until her daett had risen to his feet before she pulled herself up and onto the couch. Beside her, Teresa followed every move. Tears stung Susan’s eyes at the pain in Teresa’s face. Even though she clasped them in front of her, Teresa’s hands were trembling.

  “It’s time to leave, Menno,” Mamm said, not looking at either of the girls, “or we’re going to be late.”

  “I’ll get Toby ready,” he replied, turning to go.

  Teresa now had tears running down her cheeks, and she made no attempt to wipe them away.

  Susan hugged her friend.

  Samuel looked up from Mamm’s lap. Mamm set him on the couch and disappeared into the kitchen.

  “Oh, the little darling,” Susan whispered through her own tears. “He has no idea what’s going on.”

  “Thank God he doesn’t,” Teresa said, getting to her feet. “Is there anything I can do before you leave? I want Samuel to look exactly like he’s supposed to for his first Sunday in church.”

  “He looks fine,” Susan said, wiping her eyes. “And we can start sewing for him in a few months, but for now our old baby clothes Mamm kept around will do.”

  “My boy in a dress,” Teresa said. “I never would have thought it, but I want to do what the others do because that’s the only way Samuel will ever have a chance.”

  “Samuel has nothing to be ashamed of,” Mamm said, bustling out of the kitchen with the baby satchel in her hand. “I have the bottles ready. They are still hot, but they should be cooled down enough to use by the time Samuel’s hungry. You fed him before breakfast, didn’t you, Teresa?”

  Teresa nodded.

  “Here, I’ll take him.” Susan reached for the squirming bundle.

  “Take good care of him. I’ll be praying all day,” Teresa said.

  Susan could barely look into Teresa’s eyes. What was wrong with her people that they made such awful rules against a helpless young woman? Teresa was tenderhearted, but then Susan knew her and the others didn’t. It was that simple.