Following Your Heart

by Jerry S. Eicher

  “There is only one requirement that I have,” Teresa said, her voice jerking him out of his thoughts.

  “Yah, what is that?” he asked.

  “That you must accept my son, Samuel, as your own,” she said. “That you raise him as an Amish boy and give him your name. I don’t know how such things are done, but I’ve been here long enough to know that a strange name among the Amish will raise questions. I want him growing up without any doubt in people’s minds as to who his father is.”

  Yost didn’t think long.

  “Yah, that is possible,” he said. “I have no objections to such a request.”

  “Even with what you know about me?” she asked. “That I have been with a man, and borne a child by him? This does not bother you?”

  Why did the Englisha girl have to speak so plainly? Already there was red creeping up his neck at such open thoughts, but she was to be his frau and likely she didn’t know any better.

  “I have accepted the will of Da Hah,” he said after a few seconds. “If Deacon Ray and Bishop Henry approve of your baptism, then I will also agree. None of us are without sin, and Da Hah is always merciful.”

  She nodded. “I wished to hear the words from you. Remember, we are not to speak through others anymore.”

  “Samuel will not be a problem,” he said. “You will have been baptized by then, and both of you will be a part of the community.”

  “It is good to hear you say these things,” she said. “For a long time I’ve dreamed of living among your people, of finding peace among them. But I never dared think I could be a part myself. I thought my son could, but not me. That seemed too high a thing to even pray for, yet it is happening. I can’t tell you how happy I am, Yost. To think that someone like me, with my life so messed up, could turn around and start fresh again, is a very wonderful thing. I know you may not understand all of that, but I thank you for listening. And I will try to be the best Amish wife for you that I can be.”

  Yost nodded, still looking across the fields. She spoke tender words but he wished to know about something else.

  “Can you cook?” he asked

  Teresa laughed. “What? Do you think I’m going to kill you?”

  “Nee,” he said, a slight smile crossing his face. “I was just hoping Susan and Anna were teaching you our ways.”

  “They are, believe me,” she said. “I’m even learning how to bake bread. Now how strange is that? I’m a city girl, and here I am with my hands up to the elbows in bread dough.”

  A pleased smile spread across his face.

  “But I don’t see that you’re eating that well by yourself,” Teresa said. “So I don’t think I’ll make things any worse.”

  “I don’t think you will either,” he said, getting to his feet. “Well, I really should be going. I have kept you long enough, but I need to ask you before I go, is it okay if I visit again sometime soon?”

  Teresa nodded. “Or we could visit your place,” she said. “Susan could drive me up.”

  “That would be gut,” he agreed. “Either way. Perhaps Menno could tell me on the Sunday before this visit would happen. And I will return when I think it wise.”

  “I will do that,” Teresa said, as he turned to walk across the yard.

  Reaching the buggy he untied his horse and climbed in, giving a little wave of his hand as he passed her standing on the front porch. There was no question about it. The Englisha girl would make him a very gut wife. Anna and Susan were teaching her the ways of the people.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Susan paced the floor in her bedroom, pausing every few minutes to look out the window. When was that awful man leaving? And to think that Teresa was down there making her wedding plans with him. It was all too much to even think about. How had things ever come to such a state? It really was her own fault for ever agreeing to bring Teresa home.

  Yet how convincing Teresa’s passion had been. First for her unborn child—wanting to see him raised so as to avoid the kind of life she had. And then Teresa’s own desire to be a part of her Amish dreamworld. Well, Teresa’s dreamworld had turned into Yost Byler rattling out of the driveway at the moment. Susan raced to the window to watch Yost leave, seeing him give a little wave of his hand just before he turned north.

  So much for any hopes that his deal with Teresa had fallen apart. The man looked quite pleased with himself, and he should be. Teresa was way too gut a woman for him. No doubt Teresa had given Yost her word to wed him even after James had been making eyes at her again on Sunday. Oh sure, James was being much more careful than he had been that first Sunday, but his attention certainly often wandered in Teresa’s direction.

  Clearly Teresa had found James’s attention attractive, and just as clearly she was ignoring him. At least on the surface. Susan stepped away from the window, frowning. Regardless of how exciting the thought might be, Teresa and James speaking of love with each other would have the whole community in an uproar.

  Perhaps Teresa was as confused as she was? Maybe she should show Teresa the letter from Robby which came last week, and speak plainly about what the options were.

  Susan was willing to return to Asbury Park with Teresa, after speaking with Mamm and Daett, of course. They would be heartbroken, but she had to make her own choices in life. And watching Teresa accept this impossible arrangement was not pulling her heart closer to her home and people. In fact, it was driving her heart farther away.

  Going down the stairs, Susan entered the living room where her mamm and daett were seated.

  “Is Teresa still outside?” Susan asked.

  “Yah,” Mamm said. “On the porch swing.”

  “It’s best that we not think too much about this,” Daett said. “There is really no other way if Teresa wishes to remain in the community.”

  “I know that,” Susan said. But she went to the door and stepped outside.

  Teresa looked up as Susan approached, a weak smile flitting across her face. “Hi,” Teresa greeted.

  “I see he’s left,” Susan said shortly as she sat down beside her. “Is the big event still on?”

  “Don’t be mean to me,” Teresa said as a tear slid down her cheek. “This is hard enough already.”

  “Then why didn’t you just tell Yost to leave?” Susan asked. “You know I would have supported you.”

  “You know why,” Teresa said. “And he wasn’t as bad as I thought he would be. He’s really a nice man on the inside. It’s just that no one has been taking care of him for all these years.”

  “Yah, years is right!” Susan snapped. “He’s old enough to be your daett. Well, almost.”

  “Please don’t make me feel worse than I already do,” Teresa said.

  “Then what about plan B since plan A—sending the man home on his own—doesn’t seem to be working?” Susan asked, pulling the letter from Robby out of her dress pocket and waving it with a flourish.

  “A letter? Who is it from?” Teresa stared at the envelope.

  “Mr. Robby himself,” Susan said. “Laura’s son,” she reminded. “Shall I read it to you? It confirms everything I’ve been telling you.”

  “Where did you get that letter?” Teresa whispered. “I’ve been here every day, and you didn’t get anything like that.”

  “I stuck it in my pocket when I picked up the mail one day last week,” Susan said. “No one else knows anything about it.”

  “You hide things from your family—from your mom?” Teresa asked in horror.

  “Well, maybe I shouldn’t,” Susan admitted. “But why worry Mamm with this yet? Robby just wrote a nice letter, and I’ve already answered with a breezy, newsy letter in return. He only wants to know how we’re doing, and he tells us we both are welcome back anytime. So shall I read it to you or not?”

  “It won’t make any difference.” Teresa’s voice was low and hard.

  “Okay, I won’t read it then,” Susan threatened.

  “Please read it!” Teresa whispered.

 
; Susan smiled and pulled the white paper out of the envelope and unfolded it:

  Dear Susan,

  This is old Robby. Remember? The long-haired, godless fellow. Your sort of adopted brother. I know I’m not Amish and all, but we did seem to hit it off pretty well while you were here. And you do owe me for all the time I invested in carting you around town. But fear not! I am not collecting on the debt. We shall leave that for another day.

  Mom says hi since she knows I’m writing. I had to ask her for your address.

  The tourists are starting to trickle back to Asbury Park with the nice weather we’re having. I haven’t been out on the ocean since the night I took you out. That was a grand time—if you remember, but perhaps you’ve already forgotten with all that’s going on upon your return to your hometown.

  Please tell your old beau hi for me. I’m sure you’ve patched up the fence with him by now. With your indomitable spirit and sweet charm, I’m sure you have him licking the salt block and then some. A little farm lingo there, although I hope he is not quite on a level with the cows. That, of course, more for your sake than his. But I am being mean. I’m sure anyone you consider for marriage is well worth your attention.

  I think all your advice has finally borne fruit. I have a girl now. Mom is charmed with her, so that helps. She’s the sweet girl from church I told you about before you left. I’ve mended my fences with her, so to speak, and with the church. The broken fence seemed to be mostly on my side of the property. Mom couldn’t be more pleased on both fronts, and I think she gives you a lot of credit. Which you fully deserve, I must say.

  Anyway, I thought I would write and let you know how things are going. Yes, I am a little lonesome. It would be great to see you again, so stop by sometime. Like that would be possible, I know, but just sayin’. Our house is always open, and for Teresa also, if things get too rough for her there. I can’t imagine you not taking good care of her, but things do happen sometimes.

  Yours truly,

  Robby

  Susan folded the paper and slipped it back inside the envelope.

  “I wish I were taking better care of you, Teresa,” Susan said. “But I’m afraid things have gotten a little out of control. Don’t you think it’s time we go back? I’ll go with you, and Laura will put us both up until you can get on your feet.”

  “You don’t know what you’re asking,” Teresa said. “I wish you’d quit thinking about going back. I can’t go back there! Not under any circumstance. And I’m certainly not taking Samuel back.”

  “Laura would help you get away from the life you used to know,” Susan countered.

  “Stop thinking about such things, Susan!” Teresa grabbed her friend’s hand. “Look what you have here. Your mom and dad love you. You’re surrounded by a whole community who loves you. There is a nice boy just waiting to drive you home on Sunday nights. There is no way you’re giving that all up for me.”

  “It wouldn’t be just for you,” Susan said. “I don’t think I like what’s going on around here.”

  “They are treating me the best way they know how,” Teresa said. “I mean, what would you do with someone like me? A woman who has a baby but no husband.”

  “I wouldn’t make you marry Yost Byler, that’s for sure,” Susan promised.

  “But he’s not a bad man,” Teresa said. “And no one is making me do anything. I want to marry him.”

  “James was watching you on Sunday again. I saw him,” Susan pointed out. “And you noticed. I know you did.”

  “I’m not good enough for that man,” Teresa whispered. “And you yourself said it would be a disaster.”

  “Oh, yes you are,” Susan insisted. “And if you’re going to stay, I think I’m changing my mind about something. I think you should at least consider that option. Even with all the trouble it would cause. Let there be trouble. There already is plenty anyway.”

  Teresa turned toward Susan. “You’ve always had your head in the clouds,” she said. “I’ve had mine in the gutter, Susan. And Yost Byler is a whole lot better than what I’ve seen. He’s all I can ask for, Susan. Please don’t go making trouble for me.”

  “Is this all your heart is asking for?” Susan asked.

  “Susan! Please don’t ask such awful things. Following my heart is the reason Samuel was born. Look what it’s costing me to straighten out that problem.”

  “Samuel isn’t a problem,” Susan said.

  “Of course he’s not!” Teresa said. “I’m the problem. And I wish you wouldn’t try to push me into things I shouldn’t be doing. It’s hard enough already. Believe me.” Teresa turned away, and the swing rocked under them as their feet dragged lightly on the porch floor.

  Finally Susan reached over and wrapped an arm around Teresa’s shoulder, pulling her close. “I’m sorry,” Susan whispered. “I shouldn’t be speaking to you this way. I should be more supportive. Shall we go inside now? It’s getting cold out here.”

  Teresa nodded as she got to her feet. They entered the house, and Mamm jumped up to offer Teresa the couch.

  “I think we’d better eat supper,” Susan said. “Teresa must be starving after that visit.”

  “Was it bad?” Mamm asked, looking concerned.

  “He is a nice man,” Teresa said. “He’s much nicer even than I was expecting.”

  “Well, I’m glad to hear that,” Mamm said. “Come, sit at the table while Susan and I get supper ready.”

  Teresa followed them into the kitchen but didn’t sit down. “I think I should help,” she said. “It sounds like I need to learn all I can, and as quickly as I can. Yost is worried I don’t know how to cook.”

  “The nerve of the man!” Mamm said, waving her hand toward the kitchen chair. “I don’t care what Yost wants, you’re going to sit down. I can see clearly he has worn you out with his questions. No doubt he wants to know if we’ve been teaching you how to bake bread and wash clothing.”

  “Something like that,” Teresa admitted. “I reassured him, but I’m not sure how much he believed me.”

  “I wouldn’t worry about him,” Mamm said. “Yost will be happy enough with whatever food you make. I can’t imagine he’s getting much right now anyway.”

  “I told him that,” Teresa said, a smile playing on her face. “I don’t think he cared much for the remark, although he agreed.”

  “Men!” Susan exclaimed, wringing out the washcloth until her fingers turned white. “I would think Yost ought to be grateful instead of worrying about what kind of food he will be getting out of the deal.”

  “He’s probably worried I might starve him or poison him with Englisha food,” Teresa offered.

  “It’s more like he thinks you don’t know how to cook,” Susan said. “He’s thinking about microwaves and restaurants. He probably thinks that’s all Englisha women know how to do.”

  A smile crossed Teresa’s face.

  “I can’t imagine Yost in a restaurant,” she said. “He’d pass out from astonishment.”

  “He’s certainly no Mr. Moran and his fancy Italian restaurant,” Susan said absently. She paused suddenly, realizing what she’d said. She noticed Mamm staring at her from beside the counter.

  “I went to a nice restaurant with Duane Moran,” Susan reminded. “I already told you about him, so it’s not something you didn’t know.”

  Mamm looked away but remained where she was. “I wonder sometimes how much of the Englisha world is still in your heart, Susan,” Mamm finally said. “You know how dangerous that life can be. Little things get hold of a person. And now you won’t even join the instruction class. Why don’t you go to Deacon Ray and tell him you still want to join this spring? You could finish with Teresa and Thomas and be baptized this fall. It would be a comfort to our hearts to see that you have really left the world behind, Susan.”

  “Mamm,” Susan reminded, “the instruction class has started already.”

  “Bishop Henry will understand and make room for you,” Mamm insisted.

&n
bsp; Susan shook her head, continuing to clean the tabletop.

  Teresa cleared her throat. “Yost wants to know if Susan can come with me sometime for a visit to his place,” she said, obviously wanting to change the subject. “Do you think that would be okay?”

  “I don’t know why not,” Mamm said.

  Teresa jumped to her feet right after a cry from Samuel came from upstairs. “I’ll go get him,” Teresa said, “and then I’m going to help with supper.”

  “Susan, I wish you’d try as hard as Teresa is,” Mamm said after Teresa disappeared upstairs.

  “I see things differently than she does,” Susan said. “And there’s nothing to be done about that.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  James sat on the front row, keeping his eyes on the songbook as the sound of the young people’s voices filled the living room. Supper had been over for an hour, and the sun outside the living room windows had sunk below the horizon. Above his head two gas lanterns gave out warm light, along with two more hung further back. Emory Yoder believed in having plenty of light when the young people had the Sunday night hymn singing at his house. Perhaps he thought this would hold back the darkness that threatened their young hearts

  James turned to look at Teresa again. He shouldn’t be looking, but he couldn’t seem to keep his eyes away from her. Yah, Teresa might be an Englisha girl from birth, but right now her face had joy written all over it as she followed along with the German words. There was no way she could be understanding all of them, but she was clearly enjoying the effort.

  Teresa glanced up from the songbook page, meeting his eyes, and the joy disappeared, replaced by a look of fear. She turned away, streaks of red spreading up her neck to where the strands of hair hung out from under her white kapp.

  Why did he keep disturbing the girl, James asked himself. Was his heart flirting with darkness? James looked back to the songbook page. Everyone knew the Englisha girl was promised to Yost Byler, and should be off-limits to any other boy’s attention. Why then could he not stop looking at her?