Land of My Dreams

by Norma Gail

  Kari reached across the car and placed her hand on Bonny’s arm. “Call Dan or me. We’re as close as the phone. Don’t hesitate, no matter what time it is.”

  “Fill me in on the latest wedding plans.” She changed subjects before she lost control. “What can I do?”

  “Not tonight.” Kari handed her the box of tissues. “You’ll have a terrible week, what with jet-lag and emotions. My wedding day is my day. We need to talk.”

  Bonny massaged the constricting muscles in her throat, pondering her response. One deep breath, and she dove in. “I realize you didn’t approve of Kieran, but he’s an incredible man. Kari, he suffers from bouts of a severe form of depression over the deaths of Bronwyn and the baby. He called me by her nickname, Bronnie, more than once, when I startled him. He’s on medication now and needs our prayers.”

  She saw the shadow pass over Kari’s face. “Oh, Bonny, I prayed you wouldn’t get hurt again.”

  “He’s worth it, and I’m convinced he will recover. He’s responded well to treatment in the past. No one except his parents, Graeme, Janet, and Dr. Cameron know. It’s wrong to make him the subject of gossip.” She wiped her eyes. She had to stop crying whenever anyone mentioned his name.

  “And you didn’t trust me with this.”

  Bonny’s tears began and ended with the intensity of a New Mexico thunderstorm, as she cleared her throat, determined to take control. “He’s struggled a lot since he started to pack away Bronwyn’s belongings. Do you want to know why he broke our engagement?”

  Kari nodded, keeping her eyes on the road as the heavy truck traffic on I-40 rumbled past.

  “Graeme preached on marriage from Ephesians five and asked me to sing the songs for your wedding.” Her words tumbled out with the pent up emotion held in through the long plane flight. “Between the songs and sermon, Kieran realized what I needed. He—he said he was no better for me than Adam was, and he wouldn’t marry me under those circumstances. He did it out of love.” She sat in silence as Kari exited onto the quieter North 14 running along the east side of the Sandia Mountains.

  “I’m so sorry. How can Dan and I help?” Kari turned off onto the dirt road where she, Dan, and Bonny had grown up, then into the gravel drive winding up to Bonny’s house.

  “I’m fine, dear friend. Unlike when I left for Scotland, I know God is helping me, and I will recover. I’ll phone you when I wake up.” They carried her suitcases into the house.

  Kari hugged her, leaving two damp circles on her shoulder. “I can’t thank you enough for coming when I know you left your heart in Scotland.”

  The next three days kept them busy to the point of exhaustion. Bonny fell into bed as soon as she prayed and slept through the night. She was grateful Scotland was so far away. No one knew Dr. Cameron had asked her to remain another year. She had refused.

  Bonny rounded the curve in the driveway two nights before the wedding. Her guard went up when she spotted a car in front of the house. It sat in an isolated spot, out of sight and hearing of her closest neighbors.

  She shifted into reverse when a man began walking toward her, but she heard her name and recognized something familiar—Adam. Her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach. To face this man who came close to destroying her, and to admit Kieran also sent her away, was grinding salt into a fresh wound. Earlier in the day, she took her never-worn wedding dress, the last reminder of the cancelled wedding, to a consignment shop. Now, with him here in her driveway, she had nowhere to run.

  She stepped out of the car, determined not to let him control her. Drawing closer, she realized the man approaching her was not the confident attorney capable of holding an entire courtroom under his spell. This man was tentative and ill at ease.

  “Hello Bonny.” His voice lacked its usual confidence. “I didn’t mean to frighten you. I knew you’d come for Kari’s wedding, but you wouldn’t see me unless you had no other choice.”

  Though her heart thudded hard against her ribs, she felt unusual confidence. For the first time she held the upper hand. “What do you want, Adam? It’s late, and I need rest. I have a busy day tomorrow.”

  She intended to unnerve him even more by her icy, unemotional tone. “I need to explain, if you’ll let me.”

  With her nerves on edge and her emotions raw, she didn’t care how she sounded. “There’s not much to explain. You left. I moved on.”

  He shut his eyes and the corner of his mouth twitched. Adam cry—impossible. He stepped aside and allowed her to go up the porch steps ahead of him. “Will you stay in Scotland long?”

  “I love it. I plan to stay for a long time. What do you want?” His uneasiness energized her with a sense of control.

  “Please, sit with me. I need to explain my behavior.” His face appeared blurry in the dim light of the porch, but she heard the pleading in his usually confident voice.

  Unlocking the door, she set her purse inside and turned on more lights. “I have nothing to say to you. But since my feet are tired, we can sit on the porch a minute.” She motioned to a couple of wooden rockers, determined to stay in control.

  His uncertainty gave her control for the first time. “I’m asking you again to forgive me. I deserve your disdain. I turned my back on the Lord, on you, on everything. There is no excuse. I love you, Bonny.”

  She measured her words for impact. “I’m glad you’re right with the Lord again. I read your letters, threw them in the trash, and deleted your voicemails.”

  Adam’s face paled beneath his tan. “I heard you were dating a farmer in Scotland.” His eyes searched her face. It was difficult to hide anything from him. He had known her too long.

  Her jaw tightened at the mention of Kieran. She resolved not to encourage him. “Yes, Kieran is a math professor whose family owns a large sheep farm.” Keeping her composure was a challenge. “I didn’t know how true love felt until I met him.”

  He recoiled at her words, his eyes shifting from her face to her hands. “I—you’re not wearing a ring.”

  She took a deep breath, choosing each word with care. “I would marry him in a minute. Now, I need to rest.” She stood and opened the screen door.

  “Is there any hope?”

  She realized a victory in forcing him to accept the consequences of his actions. “I owe you nothing, Adam. You destroyed my trust. It’s over.”

  She stepped inside and closed the door, leaving him standing alone on the porch. Reminiscent of a scene from long ago, she leaned against the door, waiting to hear him drive away. As the car crunched down the gravel drive, she burst into tears.

  Kari demanded an explanation for her tired, swollen eyes the next morning. “I found Adam waiting at the house last night.”

  “He has a lot of nerve. What did you say?” She placed her arm around Bonny’s shoulders.

  “I said I had nothing left for him, that I intend to marry Kieran. I restrained myself from saying I got rid of my wedding dress and everything else relating to him. I cried when he left, but not for him, for Kieran.”

  “You’ve closed the door on a huge part of your past and your future, too. I can’t imagine how it must hurt.” Kari wrapped her in a hug.

  Bonny pulled away, straightening her shoulders. “It’s a special day. We have decorating to finish and a wedding to prepare for. Keeping busy, even with a wedding, will help occupy my mind.” Soon, she found herself laughing and enjoying helping Kari create her dream.

  Separating their joy from her own situation proved difficult at times, yet she could not begrudge what they had come so close to losing. Kari and Dan entered marriage having already faced one of the more difficult challenges of their lives. The ordeal of Dan’s injury, amputation, and recuperation had forged a powerful bond of love and commitment.

  Oh, Lord, will I find what they have some day?

  Dan found Bonny sitting alone under a large aspen before the wedding rehearsal. “Hey, Carrot-Top, we need a brother-sister chat.” He sat down next to her, rubbing the thigh muscles
of his amputated leg. “I remember a thing or two your dad taught us. I’m willing to talk to Kieran.”

  “Thank you, Dan.” Bonny reached for his hand. “My heart says to leave him alone. If God wills, He’ll resolve it. If not, then there’s a better plan for us both.” He pulled her into a brotherly hug. “Now you’re talking. You didn’t have this confident, trusting faith before.”

  Bonny laid her head on his shoulder, the way she would have with her dad. “We’ve been forced to grow in ways we never imagined this past year, haven’t we?”

  Dan lifted his prosthetic leg. “God won’t give us more than we can bear, no matter what we think.”

  “It’s more than we can handle on our own but not more than His strength enables us to bear.” She leaned back, looking him in the eye. “Graeme taught from Ephesians chapter one, where it says believers possess all the power of the Spirit which raised Christ from the dead. What an awesome power. He gives me strength when I want to fall apart. This is between Kieran and God. I may have prayed it into happening. Now I need to wait and have faith.”

  “Way to go, Carrot-Top.” Dan gave her a bear hug as Kari came through the door.

  She put her hands on her hips, tapping her foot in mock irritation. “What do we have here—the groom and maid of honor caught in a compromising situation?”

  They burst out laughing as Dan held an arm out to Kari. “We’re three friends who have faced the worst and triumphed through the grace of God. We’re friends for life, wherever it leads us.”

  Kari reached for Bonny’s hand. “Thank you for putting your pain aside to stand with us tomorrow. It means so much to have you here.”

  They wrapped their arms around each other, joy mingling with the pain.

  Chapter Twenty-seven: Blackness

  Anger and depression overwhelmed Kieran as he drove away from Bonny’s house. When he reached the turn-off to Invergarry Castle, a lump developed in his throat for the first time. He got out of the Land Rover, heedless of the heavy downpour and the thunder echoing through the mist-shrouded mountains. Visions of his lost loves lingered among the old stones. Ruins—his entire life lay in ruins. Far away on another continent, Bonny was as lost to him now as Bronwyn.

  Reaching the place where he first showed her the farm, he remembered her enthusiasm, and a warm sensation passed through him in spite of his wet clothing. He recalled the warmth of her beside him, her hand in his and the sweet brush of her lips against his cheek, her whispers of love in his ear.

  Pushing it to the back of his mind, he reflected on tasks he had neglected or left to Angus. He needed to return to his full responsibilities on the farm. He would not quit teaching. Silence and loneliness were fierce enemies. He needed purpose, if nothing more than helping struggling math students.

  “You’re the last person I expected to see.” Eleanor turned from the stove as he came through the door, stomping his muddy feet and dripping on the floor. “Put on something dry while I get the tea.”

  He headed up the stairs. The face in the mirror unnerved him. Vacant, anguished eyes stared out of a face as pale as death, a ghost from two years ago—angry and empty. He was amazed that Eleanor said nothing. Changing clothes, he exited through the front door, avoiding her questions.

  He planned to discuss farm work with Angus in the morning, work half a day, and then return to the farm after class as he did before Bonny entered his world. Working until he was exhausted every day allowed minimal time to dwell on what would never be.

  He left Fort William in such an angry rush he forgot his belongings at Aunt Alice’s house. He was no more anxious to answer his aunt and uncle’s questions than those of Eleanor or his parents. He headed back to the house, resigned, but his motherly housekeeper said nothing throughout the meal.

  Disturbed by her silence, he knocked on the door to her sitting room an hour later, and she welcomed him, motioning to a chair near the fire.

  “I broke my engagement to Bonny.”

  Eleanor closed her book, turning her full attention on him. “I knew you’d tell me in time. You look like death oan a pirn stick, lad.”

  “I love Bonny, but my faith died with Bronwyn. It’s not fair to her.” He rubbed his forehead. He was drained and sick.

  In a steady voice, she asked, “What did the lass say?”

  “She wanted to call Graeme and the doctor, as if anyone can fix what’s wrong inside of me. She grabbed my arms, but I shook her off, and she watched me leave without a word. It’s better this way.”

  “How can you be so cruel?” Her response served as a preview of his mother’s reaction.

  He studied the pattern on the rug. “I’m not what she needs. I’m still angry about the deaths of Bronnie and the baby. I lied when I said I believed in God in order to convince her to marry me. It’s over. She can return to America at the end of the semester.”

  “Did you wait to hear what she wants?”

  His gaze shifted to the fireplace. “Aye, a wee bit, but I didn’t want her to change my mind.”

  “Kieran, you’re wrong.” Her words stung, with no attempt to disguise her disappointment. “Can you imagine how the poor, wee lass feels right now? She’s God’s gift to you, the answer to your lonely life, and you’ve broken her heart.”

  Eleanor leaned forward, her silent insistence forcing him to meet her pale blue eyes. “You’re not falling short of Bonny’s standards, but God’s. You cannot blame her for your failure to accept the normal problems in life and to believe God. Those times grow us if we seek God’s help.”

  He stared at the carpet.

  “Have you told your parents?”

  “No.”

  “You’re driving to Beauly and telling them in person. Listen to them, Kieran.” He expected her to shake a finger at him. “I’ve said more than I have a right to, but you’re no different than my own son. I care about Bonny too, so I won’t apologize. You may go now.” She stood to dismiss him, and he headed to his room, chastised.

  Maggie stared up at him, her eyes wide in disbelief. “You threw away your one chance for true love. Why? I saw your love for Bonny even when I didn’t want to.”

  “She expected too much.” Kieran balled his hands into fists, wanting to hit something.

  Hamish led him into his office, sitting down in his old leather chair before the fireplace. “Son, you don’t treat someone you love with such callous cruelty.” Angry, Kieran slumped in the deep chair. “I love her, Da, but I can’t share her faith, and I’ve lied too many times. Even if I change, she can’t forgive me after what I said.”

  “Did she say anything?” His father’s eyes probed for answers.

  Kieran stood, turning his back and staring out the window. “I didn’t give her time. Now she’s in America for Kari’s wedding. A husband who can’t forget the past is the last thing she needs.”

  “She loves you, and you love her. Stubborn pride has no place in a true love relationship.” His father’s calm disturbed him.

  “Don’t meddle in my life. My decision is final.” He walked out, slamming the door behind him.

  Returning to the farm, he began inspecting the herds. He left no time to think between the farm and school. The lights in his office burned late into the night, and he rose with the sun, worked hard, and stayed away from everyone as much as possible.

  Something deep inside of him died, and the blackness closed in.

  “Kieran.” Footsteps pounded behind him, and a hand clapped him on the shoulder. “Didn’t you hear me, man?” Graeme MacDholl breathed hard from chasing him down. The pastor topped the list of people he preferred not to see.

  “Hello.” He didn’t slow his pace.

  “I heard you and Bonny broke up. Can I help?”

  “No.”

  Graeme gripped his forearm hard. “Something major happened for you to break your engagement to Bonny. If you need to talk, I have time.”

  He had to face the pastor sooner or later, but not on High Street at noon. “All right
, but in your office.”

  “Of course. I’m headed there now.” Graeme removed his hand and headed for the church.

  As the office door closed, Kieran sunk into a chair, his face in his hands. “Your sermon made it clear, along with those bloody songs. I couldn’t mislead her any longer.”

  Graeme set a bottle of still water on the desk next to Kieran. “Ohhh, Ephesians five, loving your wife as Christ loved the church …”

  “Aye, I pretended to believe when I don’t. I love her too much to …”

  When Kieran raised his head, he saw Graeme watching him, waiting. “So you misled her.”

  “You’re not angry?”

  “Of course not. I know you’ve struggled.”

  He reached for his handkerchief, settling into a more comfortable position in the too-small chair. “I’m not what she needs. Ach, I didn’t intend to hurt her, but I did.”

  Graeme leaned forward. “I’m truly sorry, a charaid. She’s a lovely woman.”

  “You think I’m a hypocrite?”

  “You said it, not I. How can I help?” Graeme’s eyes bored into his. Kieran stood and moved to the window. He expected condemnation from the pastor. “It’s not long until the end of the semester. She’ll return to Albuquerque, and I’ll go on alone as before.”

  “The depth of love you two shared is a rare thing.” Graeme moved to his side at the window. “It’s possible to change. Unbelief is a choice, you know.”

  “I tried. I appreciate your time, but I need to finish my errands and head back to the farm.” He crossed the room and reached for the doorknob.

  Graeme called after him. “If you need me, I’m here.”

  Kieran paused. “You’re different than the pastors I’ve known. Thank you for not beating me over the head.”

  “You must be doing enough of that yourself. Bonny is a tremendous loss. I admire your honesty.” He stretched out his hand.

  Kieran shook it and left in silence. When he climbed into the Land Rover, he pounded the steering wheel hard enough to hurt, and rubbed the heel of his hand. The physical pain allowed his emotions to explode and he wept for the first time.