Finding Grace: A Novel

by Sarah Pawley

  "I will not listen to this.”

  He threw open the front door, and a moment later he slammed it behind him as he stormed off into the night.

  * * * * *

  The Great Pier was a wonder for the senses. With its long boarded walks, lit along the way with the soft light of lanterns, and the grand auditorium from which sweet music flowed, it was a feast for the eyes and ears, and Grace drank in the romance of it all. The lake looked so different at night, lit by the light of the moon and dotted with the many boats that had gathered near and far to await the fireworks that would soon illuminate the sky.

  At home, July the Fourth had been just another day in their little world. She had seen a fireworks display just once, many years ago, when Jack and Alice had taken her to Charleston. Now she waited in anticipation to see them again. But it was only nine-thirty now. Jack had said that the show wasn’t due to begin until almost ten, so she took to enjoying all that was going on around her.

  While Jack and Alice were dancing in the ballroom, she stood near the doorway, just watching. Several young men had approached her and asked her to dance, but she had politely declined. It was exciting to have that kind of attention, but the simple fact was she didn’t know the first thing about dancing. After some time of listening to the music and watching the elegant movements, she took to a nearby bench and watched the people go by. So many couples drifted along within her view, some holding hands and some arm in arm. For the first time in a long while, she felt a deep sense of sadness.

  Suddenly, she felt a great longing for a companion. She had always been her own confidant and best friend, but she had the same feelings and longings as any other woman. She sighed, and for some strange reason her mind turned to Charlie.

  Of all people, he was the last one she was sure she should be thinking of, but she could not help but wonder what might have been. If only he had remained the sweet, charming young man she’d first thought him to be. Maybe she would have grown to love him in time, had she not been witness to the darkness of his personality. It still hurt her deeply when she thought of the way he had turned on her…the dark look on his face when he spoke his cruel words. Why couldn’t he have been the right one? Someone to share her thoughts and feelings. Someone she could confide in, and turn to when the world was cold. Someone like Henry.

  Lord, why can’t I stop thinking of him?

  She knew it was wrong. She knew he was the kind of man that she should be staying far away from. He was dangerous, in so many ways. And yet, he was on her mind constantly. He was like the forbidden fruit that she was warned to keep herself from, but like the weakest of human beings, she found herself drawn more and more to that which she could not and should not have. What was it about him that she was drawn to? As soon as the question formed in her mind, the answer came in quick and obvious succession. He was handsome, intelligent, and charming - when he tried to be. Maybe that was where the attraction lay.

  He had an intensity about him that she could not understand, and yet it was the very thing that seemed to drive her senses mad whenever he came near to her. There was something in his gaze when he looked at her…something that burned like fire. The only way to keep from feeling that burning was not to look at him, but even that was not easy when she felt his eyes upon her. When their gazes were locked, she was helpless. And in the deepest, darkest part of her soul, she longed to be weak - and discover just what it was that was lying there behind those eyes.

  Looking around at the crowd, she half expected to see him among the people. He had his way of appearing out of nowhere, as he had done to her before. And though she knew it was wrong to wish it, some mischievous part of her longed for him to come and surprise her once again. She was so busy looking, in fact, that she did not see him approaching slowly from behind. He came to stand just near her shoulder, and there he stood for several long and silent moments.

  She felt a presence behind her, and without turning her head she knew who it was. A smile threatened to break on her lips, but she managed to hold it back. Though she was pleased to see him, she did not wish him to know it.

  He’ll only gloat if he sees it, she thought. And I can’t let him make me a fool.

  She cleared her throat a little, composing herself, and then she looked up at him.

  "Did anyone ever tell you that you turn up like a bad penny?"

  "I should be asking you that question," he replied. "You're the one who keeps turning up everywhere I go. I'm telling you, this obsession you have with me has got to stop."

  She just shook her head. Despite her attempts to stifle it, a little laugh escaped her. But she’d never been good at silly conversation. And this time was no different.

  "So where is your other half? I saw her leave the party, and she didn’t look too happy."

  He came around the bench, sitting down beside her. She moved over slightly to maintain a safe distance. He gave her an odd look for it, but said nothing of it. He looked out ahead of him, watching the boats on the water.

  "She stayed at home. She and I had a disagreement, and I decided to take a walk."

  "And you ended up here?"

  He shrugged. "Let’s not talk about her.”

  Her eyes grew a little larger. "Who should we talk about then?"

  He turned towards her, looking at her with eyes that were warm and soft. "You.”

  She felt her heart skip a beat, and she had to tear her eyes away from him before she melted into a puddle. She looked out at the boats on the water, trying her best just to keep her senses.

  "Why talk about me? You won’t find much that’s interesting.”

  "Oh, I wouldn't say that," he replied. “Since I met you, I have to admit you’ve made me very curious. Tell me some things, if you will, and satisfy my need to know."

  Wringing her hands, she spoke nervously. "What kind of things?"

  "Well, for one thing, you never did answer my question. Why are you here, when the rest of your family is at home?"

  It was the second time he had asked her of it. And something in his voice told her he truly wanted to know…that he wasn't just asking for the sake of asking.

  Over several minutes she told him her tale. He let her speak with little interruption, only occasionally giving his opinion, and when he did speak it was with a kind of warmth and concern. She was discovering an aspect of him that was very alluring…one she would never have expected.

  He was an excellent listener.

  It was the first time in so very long that anyone had asked her questions, or showed a genuine interest in her. She found herself feeling quite warm and comfortable with him…and the barriers around her heart soon began to fall away. When she finished speaking, he shook his head in disbelief.

  "Remarkable, the way people can be to one another. If I had a daughter, I can't imagine ever forcing her into anything as serious as marriage. And as for your friend Charlie…it’s a shame that your rock missed his head."

  She laughed a little. Strange as it seemed, she found herself wanting to please and amuse him. Still, she was wary of him, managing to remember that he belonged to another. They could never grow close, even if they wanted to.

  But she did not voice her thought. It was enough to feel it lingering in her heart. With a deep breath and a sigh, she looked at him and smiled.

  "You know, you can be quite nice when you want to be.

  He scoffed…but wore a little smirk. "You just caught me on an off day.”

  Up in the sky, the fireworks began to pop and shine. The colors burst forth in all of their fiery splendor, but she only looked up at them for a moment. She felt his eyes watching her, and when she looked back at him, he was watching her with those burning eyes of his…and she found she could not look away from him.

  That smoldering fire in his eyes held her captive…and a moment later his fingers brushed her cheek, sending a tremor down her spine. Her eyes closed on their own, for she knew by some deep instinct what would come next. And then his lips b
rushed hers, soft and warm. Her whole being seemed to burn…her head felt light and dizzy, and she had to take in a breath when he separated from her for a moment. Then he kissed her a second time, and she felt a weakness that threatened to take over her entire frame. Then another feeling came over her…one of fear and shame, and almost of their own will her hands came up and pushed at his shoulders.

  "No, I can’t!" She made to rise quickly and leave. But he grasped her wrist, holding it firmly.

  "Don't go yet. I promise I won't kiss you again."

  "I'm sorry, I can't stay.” She managed to free her wrist, and fled from him before he could detain her again.

  It did not matter to her that her lips still burned from his kiss. It did not matter that she wanted to go back and be with him…to feel the fire that he had let loose within her. He was not hers to have. He belonged to another. And more importantly, she would not be lured like a moth to a flame. I won’t be his next Victoria, she thought. A heart can only handle so much damage, and I won’t let him have mine to break.

  Chapter 11

  “Hide and Seek”

  He knew he should have left right then. But the thought was a weak flicker in the back of his mind. Instead he rose from the bench and went after her. Just as she reached the doorway of the auditorium he caught her by the arm, and the strength with which she fought him was stunning.

  "Let go!" she cried, trying to wrestle her arm free.

  "Stop squirming and be still," he said, but she kept on. She tried to pry his fingers off, and when that didn’t work she dug her nails into his flesh, causing him to yelp in pain and release her for a moment. But her dash was short, for he caught hold of her again, this time by both arms. The look on her face was positively wild.

  “Good God, woman. Will you control yourself? It’s not like I was trying to attack you. For crying out loud, it was just a kiss.”

  “It shouldn’t have even gone that far!” With a great effort she wrenched herself away, dashing behind a pillar to hide.

  But this time, he didn’t make a lunge to pull her back. He let her go willingly, if it would be the only way to calm her. Leaning against the opposite side of the stone column, he sighed deeply and ran a hand through his hair. Then, in the silence that lingered between them, a little smirk came to his face as he thought about what had just happened.

  She looked incredible when she was riled up. And kissing her had been unbelievable, even as brief and simple as it had been. Just the touch of her lips on his had lit a fire inside of him.

  He almost laughed at himself, thinking that the idea of being “On Fire” sounded like some stupid depiction in a love novel. But he knew blazing chemistry when he felt it.

  If only she would stop acting like a child and admit that she felt it too.

  She’d been stirred, he had no doubt. He turned slightly, so that his voice would travel and fall directly on her ear. His tone was soft, deep and sensual.

  "Did you really hate it so much?"

  There was a long pause, but he knew she was listening. He knew she was still there. He could feel her presence. But the reply she gave him was one he wasn’t ready for.

  “I’m not your pet, Henry Shaw. You have one of those at home. If you want someone to play with you can go home to her. Maybe she’s ready to crawl into your bed, but you won’t get that from me.”

  He was stunned. By the outright boldness of her statement…by what she was implying. She was accusing him of entrapment…of seduction. She thought his only intention was to get her into his bed. Such an accusation felt like a slap in the face.

  Because he knew it was pretty much the truth.

  Suddenly it felt like someone was thrusting a mirror in his hands, demanding that he take a look at himself. But the last thing on earth he wanted was to search his soul…and he fled from the source of conflict…from her.

  Voices were nagging him as he went. Two strange, small voices seemed to whisper in his ears…like the proverbial devil and angel perched upon either of his shoulders.

  Have you given a damn about any of the women you’ve slept with?

  No, but they didn’t care about me either, so what the hell difference does it make?

  You would have slept with Grace Langdon, if you’d had the chance. Don’t lie to yourself.

  God, it was true. Suddenly he found himself grappling with shame, which was a feeling he hadn’t known in so long that it scared him. If she hadn’t stopped him, he would have taken advantage of her and not given it a second thought. He’d done that to other women without his conscience being pricked. So why was he now feeling like such a toad? And the answer came to him instantly.

  The other women weren’t innocent girls. Not that they were trash he’d picked up off the street, but they’d warmed a few beds besides his.

  But Grace Langdon was pure and untouched. It was quite possible she’d never even been kissed until just now. And he’d been ready to take out all of his passion on her innocent little body. Lord, he really was a shameless snake.

  He was still at war with himself when he came up the front steps of the house. When he came in, he saw right away the figure lying over on the sofa. He knew what that implied, and he had to say he did not blame her for it. If it had been himself, he would not have wanted to share the bed either. He went over and sat down in the chair beside her, and he spoke to her in a low, quiet voice.

  "Victoria, are you awake?"

  She turned her back to him, pulled the blanket closer around her neck. Her answer was sharp.

  “Get away from me.”

  He ran a frustrated hand over his face, sighing.

  God, I wish I was better at this, he thought. If we were both men, we would settle this with our fists, and then go have a few drinks and be done with it.

  “Look,” he said. “You may be pissed at me, and that’s your right. But we’ve still got a business to run, so we might as well just call a truce right here and now.”

  “To hell with your truce. To hell with you, you selfish bastard.”

  He let out a defeated sigh. "Fine. Would you rather go upstairs and sleep, and leave me here on the sofa?"

  "No," she spat viciously. "Just leave me alone."

  He sighed again, and left her there.

  Going up the stairs, he was suddenly so very tired. Not tired from exertion, but tired from all that had happened in just the last few hours. Since the end of his marriage, he’d made it a point to live a simple life. But lately, he found his life was full of complications. And he hated complications.

  In the bedroom, he removed all of his clothing quickly, for it felt like he was being smothered by the restraints of them. He kicked the garments aside, not bothering to get near the clothes hamper. There were more important things on his mind tonight than tidiness. He slipped into his pajama pants, and felt some relief, being free of the confinement that clothing could sometimes bring.

  What was he to do now? He couldn't just get rid of Victoria. Much as he would have liked to simply end their relationship, he knew it wasn't that simple. It may have been a shallow fact, but Victoria was more than his mistress. She was the main attraction of his show. It was she who the people paid to see, and if he lost her, his business would surely be in turmoil. She could just up and go if she wanted to, and some other eager businessman would be glad to take her in and make a fortune off of her. He could not let that happen.

  The other problem was the one he’d left back at the pier, and his mood was growing darker by the moment as he thought of her. Naïve, decent little woman that she was. And that made him even more frustrated, and he cursed to himself, Damn her and her decency. If she was like other women he’d known, he wouldn’t be in this lousy state of mind. He might have been in a warm bed with a warm body. But no, she was an untainted little country blossom who was making him feel things he hadn’t felt in years. God almighty she was a nuisance. At first it had all been fun and games with her, teasing and provoking her for his own enjoyment. But then
she had to go and weave her spell, and now here he was feeling guilty about how he had treated her. The girl had been nothing but trouble since the first day he'd met her. All he wanted to do now was forget about her and salvage what was left of his peaceful life.

  He let out a breath as he went to the bed and fell down on it, and he closed his eyes and rested his face against the cool of his pillow. After a time he began to relax, and before he fell asleep he found himself thinking, I hope she can’t sleep. I hope all she can think about is me. It would serve her right, the little witch.

  * * * * *

  She slept fitfully that night, trying to forget what had happened and failing miserably. All she could think about was the feel of his lips on hers, the wonderful warmth and sweetness of his mouth. Even his taste and scent. Lord in heaven, she would never have imagined that such a sensation existed, but it was there still, burning on her lips. It was as if he’d branded her with his kiss, and now it was haunting her, thrilling her, and frustrating her so badly that it made her want to cry. Flopping her head back on her pillow, she brought her hands up to her face in frustration. And words suddenly flowed into her head.

  I did what human beings do instinctively when they are driven to utter extremity - looked for aid to one higher than man. "God help me!" burst involuntarily from my lips.

  She knelt at the side of her bed and folded her hands in a desperate prayer, begging for guidance from above. And more words of wisdom, ones she’d once heard in a lesson at school, came to her in her hour of desperation

  .Gold is tried by fire, brave men by adversity

  .She knew she was brave, and strong. She’d spent a lifetime being knocked about by heavier circumstances, and this was but a small trial she had to overcome. All she had to do was focus her mind, think about all the things she’d been through in life, and remind herself that this tribulation, like all the others, would not get the best of her.