Finding Grace: A Novel

by Sarah Pawley

  Her blood flowed with new determination, and she rose from her bed. Idle hands are the devil's playthings, she thought. So I will keep the idleness from my hands by staying busy. All the time.

  It wasn't until she'd gotten half-way to the kitchen that she realized it was Sunday morning. Oh no, she silently declared. She knew he would be there. So would Victoria. And despite the vow of strength she'd taken, she just didn't have the courage at that moment to face them. Him, in particular. So she feigned a headache and an ill stomach, telling Jack and Alice to go on without her and not to worry. She spent the next several hours in prayer, hoping that God would forgive her for her evil deeds and understand why she had done them.

  * * * * *

  The next day was Monday. A new day, and a new week, and she vowed to make the best of things and keep her word to herself. She arose and prepared to start her day with determination and purpose. She washed and dressed quickly, and went down to meet the milkman. Her timing was perfect, as she heard his approach just as she reached the door. She opened it, and when he saw her, he tipped his hat and smiled. At least the day was starting off with the sight of a friendly face.

  "Good morning, Mike.”

  "Good morning, Miss Grace. How are you?"

  "I'm fine,” she replied, taking the bottle of milk from him. He smiled at her.

  "I really enjoyed hearing you the other night. Have you ever thought about singing in public? Like at state fairs or something? People would really love what you do."

  The very thought of that made her cheeks blush pink, and she shook her head.

  “Oh no, not me. I don't mind singing and playing for a few folks at a time, but I could never get up in front of a big crowd. I'd die of fear first."

  He smiled and chuckled. "Yes, well, I can understand that. Have a lovely day now.” He tipped his cap to her and left, turning to wave at her as he reached the curb. She waved back, and closed the door.

  What an idea, she thought. She had a wild, crazy moment in which she imagined herself onstage at a place like Henry's club. Then she shook her head at her own madness. If someone ever tried to get her onstage in a place like that, they would have to throw a net over her and drag her out there, kicking and screaming. She laughed at herself, and hurried to the kitchen.

  She busied herself with making breakfast, wanting to keep an occupied mind at all times. Jack and Alice didn't seem to notice any difference in her manner. At least if they did, they didn't say anything about it. All seemed quite routine at the start of this day.

  After breakfast, Grace and Alice stood on the stoop and waved to Jack as he left for work. As he went, Grace's eye - betraying thing that it was - caught a glimpse of a door opening at the house across the street…and Henry was emerging. She watched him for a moment. She could not help but look, however much she wanted not to. And when he locked eyes with her, she felt a knowing thrill.

  Dear God, she thought. He's as tempting as Lucifer himself.

  Then she caught herself in that unguarded moment, and silently chastised herself for it. She turned away quickly and went in the house, with Alice following closely behind.

  "Are you all right?" she asked as she closed the door. They walked back towards the kitchen together.

  For the briefest of moments, Grace thought of denying that anything was bothering her. But the burden within her was too great, and Alice was much too sharp to let this pass her attention. Grace sighed, and as they came into the kitchen, she pulled out a chair and sank into it.

  Alice’s voice was firm but gentle. "Out with it, Sis.” She pulled a chair close and leaned in to listen. There was a tense pause, and then at last, Grace spoke.

  "Saturday night, at the pier, I ran into Henry. We talked for a little while. And it was nice." She smiled for a moment. Then the smile fell away. "But then..." She paused, hesitant to go on.

  "Then what?" Alice leaned closer, all anticipation.

  Grace buried her face in her hands, but she only hesitated a moment before she answered. "He kissed me.”

  Alice gasped. Then a mischievous grin slowly smiled across her face. "Did he really?" Her voice was a near whisper. She paused a moment. And then she asked, "It was your first kiss, wasn't it?"

  Grace didn’t answer, but a response wasn’t really necessary. Alice let out an enchanted little sigh, and she gushed.

  "How romantic.”

  Grace shook her head, almost panicking. "No, no. Not romantic. It can't be romantic."

  "Why not?"

  "Because it's wrong! No matter what I feel, or what he feels, I won’t chase another woman’s lover. I won't!" She dropped her head on her arms, and let out a shuddering sigh.

  Alice's smile slacked a little. She reached out with a gentle hand, rubbing Grace on the back.

  "Don’t feel so bad. You can’t help your feelings. And at least you know what’s right and what’s wrong. You’re a good girl, little sister." She sat back for a moment and sighed. Then she leaned forward and rested her head in her hand.

  Grace sat up, and like Alice, she let her head come to rest in her hand. The women looked at each other, and a little smile began to creep up on Alice's face.

  "What?" Grace asked.

  Alice leaned in towards her, as if they were both conspirators in some great secret. “All moral matters aside," she said, and she could not keep a little grin from her expression. "How was it?"

  Grace blushed, her hands coming up to cover her face once again. Only this time, it was a shy smile she was trying to hide.

  "It made me dizzy." She let out a little giggle that she couldn’t suppress. Alice smiled.

  "Oh, that's so sweet. I’m so happy for you, I really am.”

  “Happy for me?”

  “You finally got your first kiss. That’s a big moment in a woman’s life. And Henry, my Lord.” She let out a dreamy little sigh. “He could give any woman the vapors.”

  For a few moments more, they shared womanly sighs and smiles. But then Grace's expression changed, coming back to the seriousness it had shown just a few minutes before.

  "It can’t ever be more than that. And you have to promise you won’t ever tell a soul about this. It can only be between us."

  "Of course, of course," said Alice. "I promise."

  Grace sighed a little in frustration. “What am I gonna do? He’s right there across the street. We’re bound to run into one another sometime.”

  "Go the other way,” Alice replied.

  “But what if he comes after me?”

  Now Alice grinned slightly. “Play opossum. Maybe he’ll just sniff you and leave you alone.”

  Grace rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t help laughing. She was so grateful to have Alice. Much as she loved her brother, words couldn’t begin to describe how much she cherished her sister-in-law. If not for Alice, she would be in a very different place right now, and most likely be another person altogether. She really was, as Jack had often called her, an angel in disguise.

  * * * * *

  Later that morning, Alice took her down to Maxwell Street. It was a bustling marketplace with vendors of every kind, with anything and everything one could possibly think of. What started out as a serious mission of self-discipline turned into a lovely day of leisure as they strolled through the noisy market. And through the courtesy of a hot dog vendor, she had her very first Maxwell Street Polish, as it was called – a slightly spicy sausage on a bun, topped with mustard, onions, and peppers. The smell was powerful, and the taste was indescribably delicious. It seemed a bit sinful to indulge, but she was learning that indulgence seemed to be just part of the local custom, and she found that she wasn’t particularly ashamed of herself, though she did have to laugh at herself for it.

  "I think I might be as big as a house before long. There's more food to be found in these parts than I could shake a stick at."

  Alice just smiled, making a wicked joke about the food that nearly sent Grace into a choking fit. When she recovered enough to catch her brea
th, she mockingly hit her sister-in-law and they laughed together like little children.

  Later as they strolled along, Grace found a special treasure among the vendors. A bookseller had a stand with more books than she’d ever seen before in her life, and she and Alice stood for the longest time, thumbing through volumes both large and small. Among the many tomes, Grace came across one with a familiar author's name - Robert Louis Stevenson. It was a collection of several of his works. She held it in her hands for a long time, staring at it. Alice came to see what was in her hands.

  "Kidnapped. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And Treasure Island.” She shrugged and curled her nose a little. “Stevenson was always too dark for me. A lot of murder, intrigue, adventure…that kind of thing. Pirates, mad men. The kinds of things men seem to like. Your brother does."

  And so does Henry, Grace thought. She held the book firmly in her hands. She couldn't be with him, and could hardly take the chance of speaking to him. But maybe through the things he cherished, such as this, she could get to know him a little more.

  As they made their way through the lanes of the market, Alice nodded at familiar faces that they passed by. One was a green-eyed, white haired gentleman that Grace recognized as Doctor Brown…one of the neighbors from the party.

  "I remember you from last night," she said, smiling. "Good to see you again, sir."

  "And you," he said. "You certainly have a lovely voice, Miss Langdon. I really enjoyed listening to you last night. Maybe you could play for us again sometime?"

  Grace smiled shyly at the compliment, and the sweetness of the doctor's voice. "Maybe I will.” The doctor nodded and tipped his hat, then went on his way.

  "That's the second person who told me that," Grace said, as they walked on.

  "Well, there were a lot of folks there last night," Alice replied. “And we did put on a nice little performance. Especially you, little song bird. Maybe everyone is trying to hint at your future career. Think about it.”

  Grace just smiled, shaking her head.

  When they got home, she found a comfortable spot on the sofa and tried to engross herself in the collection. She wanted to lose herself in it, as she had lost herself in so many books before. But try as she might, she just couldn’t concentrate, and she was well aware of why. She could not help but imagine what might have been. It was beyond her control.

  That night when she sat in a hot bath, there were no distractions to keep her from thinking of him, and her memory played his kiss over and over again, each time sending her heart a flutter and a thrill up her spine. It was all she would ever have of him, and she knew it. Anything more would be wrong, and even these thoughts of him she knew were wicked. And yet, something within her…the rebellious spirit that lay within… cried out that it was not wicked to think of him. Her physical being was restrained from him, but there could be no sin in being with him in her mind and heart. In those places, she was free to think and feel. And surely, there could be no great evil in that.

  * * * * *

  Another Sunday came much too quickly, and she knew she couldn’t hide any longer. All week long she’d been slinking around to avoid him, and with Alice’s help she’d succeeded, and even managing to keep Jack from becoming suspicious. But today she knew she would see him, and she could not keep from feeling the excitement and anticipation that rose up. But as she looked in the mirror at herself, she could see nothing that would betray her feelings to the world.

  Her eyes were a cool shade of steel at the moment - due in part to the sober grey dress she was wearing. It seemed that the shade of her eyes often changed with the color of her clothing, and subsequently, with the mood that the occasion called for. On the rare occasions for celebration, she had often taken to wearing red or purple, which seemed to brighten her eyes to their fullest shade of blue. But this occasion called for a calm, cool appearance, and the ashen dress with its simple lace trim seemed the best for that effect. She lifted her chin in a proud and determined manner, straightened her shoulders, and left the room to join Jack and Alice.

  When they arrived at church that morning, they all made the usual greetings and such. The pastor seemed very pleased to see Grace, and requested that she take a place in the choir.

  "Your songs of praise were indeed wonderful to hear," he declared. "We would be so pleased to have an angel's voice in our choir, one that can help lift the spirits of our parishioners and bring them closer to God."

  It was not within her to refuse the request of a man of God, and so she smiled and politely accepted. It was not long before she was standing among the members of the choir, just as she had done so many times before at home. It might have very well been just the same, except that as she sat quietly in her place listening to the sermon, she could feel a certain pair of eyes watching her. And heaven help her…weak, sad being that she was…she found her own eye lifting, for just a moment, to meet the gaze that met hers.

  When the service was over, and they were wandering out among the crowd, she was walking ahead with Alice when she heard Jack’s voice behind her. He was talking to friends, which was nothing of importance to her. But then she heard the one voice that she did not want to hear…a voice that both thrilled and petrified her. She turned to Alice and whispered.

  "What are they doing? What are they talking about?"

  "I don't know," said Alice, casually turning her head to look. "Victoria is standing with them. She is probably on guard, you know. There are dangerous women about." And she smiled a little at Grace, who just shook her head.

  Then, Alice's expression grew serious. "They're coming this way.”

  Grace felt her nerves jump, but she did not let on. She took a deep and calming breath. Looking away, she tried to look calm. Jack came to stand beside them.

  "Honey, I've invited Henry and Victoria to supper tonight. We’re going out for Chinese. Your favorite.” He smiled, turning to talk to a neighbor…unaware of what he’d just done.

  Grace turned a shade of white. Alice had to reach out and steady her.

  “Breathe,” she declared.

  Grace did, holding up a hand to signal she was well. At least in the physical sense. Her mental state was altogether different…and she put her head in her hands, feeling a strange need to weep.

  “Lord above, why is this happening to me?” In a childish gesture she could not help, she dropped her hands and suddenly stamped her foot, her frustration at its breaking point. "I feel like Lizzie Bennett at Netherfield, being forced to dance with Mr. Darcy and not being able to do a thing about it.”

  Alice smiled at the reference to Pride and Prejudice. And while Grace played the part of Elizabeth, for a moment she made herself into Lizzie's good friend, Charlotte Lucas, and quoted a bit of the text.

  "I dare say you will find him agreeable."

  Despite the tension, Grace couldn't help but smile. She knew the text so well, and even under the grave circumstances, Alice’s playfulness was infectious. So she did her best to sound aristocratic and proper, just like Lizzie Bennett.

  “Heaven forbid! That would be the greatest misfortune of all! To find a man agreeable whom one is determined to hate! Do not wish me such an evil.”

  She tried to hold back a smile as she and Alice looked at each other. And then they both erupted into helpless rounds of laughter.

  Chapter 12

  “A Night Out”

  He stood in the hallway for a moment, watching Victoria through the open door as she stood before the mirror. She was dressed in a low-backed burgundy dress…one that flowed in elegant proportion to her willowy figure. It was a beautiful garment. And yet, he could find little beauty in the woman wearing it. Her features were the same as they had always been. Nothing about her outward appearance had changed. But he could feel very little emotion as he looked at her now. There had never been love in his heart - only heated affection and desire. Now it seemed that the flame had gone out, leaving only a chilled feeling of emptiness when he looked at her.

&nbs
p; A cold and quiet manner had taken over the house. They had not shared a bed in nearly two weeks now, since the night of the party. She had taken her things and moved to the bedroom across the hall, and somehow, he wasn't so disappointed about the change. It was taking some time to get used to an empty bed again, but he felt he was coping quite well. He wasn't about to go groveling to Victoria to come back to it. The only connection that seemed to remain between them was their relationship as employer and employee. It was mostly business as usual when it came to work, but even that relationship was strained. They hardly spoke, and when they did, it was with much petulance and arguing. It seemed she was intent on making his life as difficult as possible, and it was working. It didn't surprise him that she would be going along with John Langdon's invitation to dinner…just for spite.

  "Need I ask why you insist on going to dinner?" he inquired. "Do you plan on making a public spectacle of yourself? Or is it just me you wish to humiliate?"

  "Our neighbor has invited us to dinner," she answered, as she calmly donned a pair of ear bobs. "Is there something wrong with accepting his invitation?"

  His eyes were cold looking at her. "What a cool liar you are.”

  She turned on a smooth heel and looked at him, her eyes flashing. "Why don't you stay home, if it makes you so uncomfortable?" Then she smiled a little…a sly, knowing gesture. "No, you won't stay home, will you? You're worried about what might happen when you're not around."

  He only scoffed. "Are you really so insecure? You're intimidated by a little girl. A seventeen year old, for the love of Christ. I find that almost laughable."

  Victoria glared at him, and he knew he had struck a sharp nerve with his words. But she had words of her own for him, and she did not mince them.