Finding Grace: A Novel

by Sarah Pawley

  "What's laughable is a thirty-one year old man lusting after a child and making a fool of himself. That's the only reason you are going to dinner tonight, isn't it, Henry?"

  It was true. He wasn’t going to admit it to her, but it was true. Despite his best intentions, all he’d been thinking of was Grace. For the first several days after the incident at the pier, he’d buried himself in books and paperwork in an effort to erase her from his mind. And during the day the distraction had worked. But at night, his dreams were full of her image, and his imagination taunted him with happenings that went far beyond a simple kiss. It wasn’t long before he realized that forgetting about her was an impossible notion. And discovering that, he knew he had to see her again. Only this time, he wanted to meet on friendly terms. He wouldn’t tease her, or tempt her, no matter how wild his impulses became when he got close to her. His only trouble had been figuring out how to get near her without making her flee, as she’d been prone to do before and would certainly do now if he didn’t tread carefully. But to his astonishment, and great delight, John Langdon had unknowingly opened a door of opportunity.

  His only concern now was whether Victoria would behave herself. But any worry that he had he kept well concealed, especially as he addressed her remark about why he was going to the restaurant.

  "Think whatever you wish. As far as I'm concerned, I'm having a meal with friends. If you want to misconstrue that, that's your business. I regret nothing that I've done, and nothing I’ll do. Now if you’re ready, I think we should go to dinner."

  He stepped back a step, and gestured for her to precede him. This she did, with head held high and defiant. He followed along behind her, and they set out to meet the neighbors.

  * * * * *

  They made their way down the street towards the restaurant. As they neared the door, Henry stopped and took Victoria lightly by the arm.

  “So,” he said, “Will you keep your claws drawn? Or will I have to haul you out like a child having a tantrum in a store?”

  She looked at him with a cool, contemptuous expression. She pulled her arm free from his grasp.

  “If you think I have such little class, then you are sorely mistaken,” she declared, and she walked ahead of him into the restaurant, without waiting for him.

  He knew he sat on a powder keg. He was no fool, despite what Victoria might have thought of him. She was plotting something, but he could not be sure what it was, and until she made a move, he had to be fully on his guard. In the meantime, he went through the motions of friendliness toward his neighbors. He shook hands with John and Alice, and smiled. But when it came to Grace, he put on his best air of detachment. He knew that everyone was watching, and so he kept his manner cool and polite. He gave no handshake, and only offered her a nod of his head as he greeted her.

  “Miss Grace, it’s a pleasure to see you again.”

  It was all he said. He sat down beside Victoria, and picking up the menu in front of him, pretended to browse it. But it was all he could do not to raise his eyes and search out the woman sitting across from him.

  She looked better than he remembered, and that was saying something. Her hair was up, for one thing…gathered into an elegant twist at the back of her head. Her dress was a deep shade of violet, and the color suited her beautifully, bringing out the blue in her eyes. She looked so elegant, so sophisticated that it was hard to imagine how he’d once thought of her as a little bumpkin. How very wrong a first impression could be.

  And as he’d been learning since that first day, she was impossible to ignore. He was quite certain she didn’t intend to draw attention to herself, but she was a delight to watch with her endless curiosity and naïveté about the simplest things. He couldn’t help but smile at some of her musings, and Jack and Alice were just as entertained by her innocent curiosity. He knew without looking at Victoria that she was not amused. But she was silent, and he let her remain so. He was still wary of what she might do, but he was so charmed by watching Grace, he found himself paying Victoria very little mind.

  He watched as Grace turned the serving wheel slightly. “What is this for?”

  Jack answered her with a little smile.

  "When they bring the food, you use it to pass the servings around.”

  "Well if that don't beat all," she declared. "I wish we would have had one of those at home. Better than asking someone to pass the peas. If you want it, you just turn the wheel and take it from under their nose."

  When the tea was brought, and her little cup was placed on the saucer before her, she looked at it with an odd expression. Sheepishly she asked, “Where’s the handle?”

  Alice looked at her. Taking her own cup in hand, she showed Grace how to hold it and sip it. Grace gingerly picked up her cup and followed suit, eliciting smiles from her three observers. Henry found her innocence so entertaining and appealing, he had trouble hiding his amused smile. On one hand, she seemed as if she couldn’t help herself, and it showed in every little thing question and gesture she made. But on the other hand, she seemed hesitant each time she started to ask questions, as if someone might chastise her for doing wrong. Or ridicule her. At one point she looked at her brother, and saw him trying to suppress a grin. Henry was quite sure John meant his sister no harm. He was charmed, that was all. But Grace looked at her brother with a stern expression, and Henry felt a thrill run down his spine as he saw her eyes take on that wild flash of angry light he was coming to know so well.

  “Don’t laugh at me,” she told her brother, her eyes blazing.

  “I’m not!” Jack declared, though his grin was hardly suppressed, and Alice reached over to give his arm a firm slap.

  “Leave her alone, Jack.” And she gave him a sharp look, which he hardly acknowledged.

  When the meat and seafood platter arrived, Henry could not keep himself contained any longer. He had to speak to her, even it was only to explain to her what the little flaming pot was in the middle of the wooden tray. She was staring at it intently, and he couldn’t resist satisfying her interest.

  “That’s called a hibachi,” he said, and he picked up a skewer of beef, putting it to the flame. “You let the meat smoke, and it enhances the flavor.”

  “Just like a campfire,” she said with a slight smile, and she turned to her brother. “Remember that, Jack, how we used to sleep out at night, and cook the fish on the fire?”

  “Yep, I do,” he said. “Lord, it seems like forever since I’ve done that. Maybe we should take a trip somewhere and do that again. It would be fun. Hey, maybe we could all take a trip together, the five of us.”

  For the first time, Victoria spoke.

  “No thank you,” she said. “I’m not an outdoor kind of girl. But I do like to travel very much. In fact, I'm taking an extended trip very soon."

  Henry looked at her. Something told him this was the moment. He could see the malice in her eyes - like the eyes of a coiled snake, preparing to strike. A cold hand of dread held his throat.

  "I'm going to California," she said. "I'm going to be in pictures. My friend Hal has connections there, and he thinks I can make a name for myself."

  Henry didn’t know whether to believe her or not. The idea of her taking off on some wild flight to Hollywood sounded like a joke.

  "You're ridiculous," he said.

  "And you're an ass," she spat, and she jumped to her feet. “Why don’t you just go ahead and sleep with her? That’s what you want, isn’t it, you slimy son of a bitch?”

  Before she could say more, he shot to his feet and took her by the arm, dragging her out as she continued her rant.

  "If you want him, honey, you can have him! But he’s lousy in the sack, so what’s the point in taking him?”

  When he got her outside he shook her, though it hardly sufficed. What he wanted was to strangle her.

  “That’s what you call classy? Making a damn fool of yourself?” He gave her a slight shove…and she shoved him back, enraged.

  “Go to hell, yo
u self-centered bastard! Who needs you? I’ll go to California and make my own way in the world!”

  "You think so?" he spat. "You think you stand a chance relying on that crumb, Hal? Well don't come crying to me when it all falls apart. Women like you are a dime a dozen out there. You'll probably end up trading favors just to get by."

  Her hand came up and slammed into his cheek, and he was momentarily stunned. It didn't particularly hurt, but it shocked him enough to render him still for several moments. In that time Victoria managed to hail a cab. Moments later it was speeding away, and he was left standing alone, feeling the eyes of passers by who had seen the whole thing. All he could do now was gather his pride, walk to his car, and go home. Alone.

  * * * * *

  “This is all my fault,” said Grace, and she dropped her head into her hands.

  “What do you mean your fault?” asked Jack. “And what the hell did Victoria mean by you can have him? Is there something going on with you and Henry?”

  Grace just sighed, and didn’t answer. She wanted to crawl under the table and hide and not have to face the round of questions and accusations she knew would come. Fortunately, Alice was there with her usual round of support.

  “It’s not her fault,” she said.

  “Whose fault is it then? Was it Henry? What did he do?” He turned to Grace. “Did he try something with you? If he did, I’ll thump his skull.”

  As his voice grew louder, Alice rose to her feet and called for the check. She glared at him, her face flushed with mortification.

  “Let’s go before you make a total fool of yourself. We can talk about this in private.”

  Jack was silent just long enough to take care of the bill and escort the ladies out. But once back in the car, he immediately jumped back on the subject.

  Grace sat in the back seat, listening and growing irritated at her brother's fatherly rambling. She loved him dearly, but to have him treat her as if she were a child, to talk to her as if she were his daughter rather than his sister, it made her want to reach over the seat and smack him, though Alice was doing a very fine job of scolding him. She sat back in the seat with her arms crossed, shaking her head, her voice laced with fury.

  "That's why we didn't want to tell you anything. We knew you'd act like this."

  “Wait a minute,” Jack said, and he looked at her with wide eyes, his temper flaring fast. “You mean you knew about this, and you didn’t tell me?”

  “There’s nothing to tell,” Alice snapped at him. “Henry’s had his head turned, and Victoria is green with envy. But your sister turned him down, and that’s all there is to it.”

  His voice grew even louder. “And you didn’t think I had a right to know? What if he crossed the line or something?" As the traffic came to a pause, he turned in his seat and looked at Grace. "And you," he said. "It’s my job to look out for you, but how the hell can I do that if you’re keeping things from me?”

  Now it was Grace who found her temper rising, and she told him quite forcefully, “I don’t need nobody’s protection. I can take care of myself.”

  “Horse-feathers!” he snapped. “You’re seventeen years old, fresh from the backwoods. You don’t know a damn thing about the kind of men out there, ready to take advantage of a kid like you. Hell! Henry Shaw has been my friend and neighbor for years, and I wouldn’t trust him more than any other dog out there.”

  “I’m not a kid anymore, Jack. I don’t need you to boss me. I’m not ten years old.”

  “That doesn't matter!” he said. “And I don’t want you to have anything else to do with Henry Shaw again. You stay away from him.”

  The traffic in front of them had come to a standstill, as they waited for the river bridge to come back down. Grace sat in her seat, her arms crossed in frustration. She wanted to scream and shout at him, fight with him and tell him how she was almost a grown woman, with her own mind and her own life to live. Then she thought...

  He's just like any man. What's the point of talking to him? It would be like hitting my head against a wall

  Suddenly she felt the need to be alone...to get away from him and his fatherly scolding. She wanted to run away and leave him stewing in his own juices, so he would know how it felt to be both furious and helpless at the same time. So just before the traffic began to move again, she opened her door and got out, slammed it behind her, and marched off down the street. She could hear him yelling at her to come back, but she kept right on walking. Soon she was lost among the crowd, and at that moment, there was nowhere else she would rather have been.

  * * * * *

  She roamed along the street for some time, and her great fury at her brother eventually diminished, though it did not go away entirely. The little shops along the street were turning on their lights for the evening, and she took her time looking in each window, lingering so that with each passing moment, she was certain Jack would be more and more worried. He deserved it, tyrant that he was.

  It seemed funny to think that at one time not so long ago, she would never have questioned his lectures. He'd always been like her second father when she was young, but now that kind of control seemed stifling, and it reminded her very much of their father. Lord, if Jack heard her tell him that, he might lose his mind completely. To be compared to a man he despised, a man he'd left behind forever and vowed he would never, ever be like. Jack might never recover from such a blow.

  As she ambled along the walk, her thoughts turned to the scene at the restaurant, and naturally, it sent her thoughts turning to Henry. She knew she shouldn’t pity him. It was his own fault, losing Victoria and all, and with that came the possibility of his losing a great part of his business. He had brought it all on himself. And as for Victoria, she had to say she didn't blame her for leaving Henry and trying to make her own way. Grace knew all too well what it was like to be treated so coldly by a man.

  And yet, it was Henry she kept thinking of more and more as she walked along. She should have thought him a beast for the way he treated Victoria. And she should have, if she had any sense at all, been condemning him for the common sinner that he was. But somehow, all of that now seemed like a weak flicker of light in the back of her mind. She knew it was wrong, and she knew it would probably be the ruin of her very soul - but, God help her, she adored him.

  There, she had admitted it. It was like a weight lifting from her shoulders. And much to her own surprise, she felt no shame. What was so wrong about liking someone? And Henry was all the things she desired in a man. He was intelligent, and clever. He was devilishly charming when he wanted to be. She smiled to herself a little as she thought of him at supper. The way he held his glass with a light hand, and the way he ate casually and with small bites. He possessed manners. How wonderful it was to see a man who didn't shovel his food in his face as if it were his last meal. But of all the things about him, perhaps it was his honesty that most endeared him to her. He said just what he felt and what he was thinking, without wearing a false face or speaking too many pretty words. In a strange way, they were very much alike, the two of them.

  In thinking of the things that she found so dear in him, she could not help but remember how he had looked at her that night at the lake, and how wonderful it had felt to know his kiss - the first kiss she'd ever had. How could she forget it, when she had lived it over and over again in her dreams at night? And she was beginning at last to understand that burning look in his eyes. The way it melted her will, and took her breath, she knew now it was a look of passion. She'd only read the word on paper, but until now she'd never known its all-consuming power, and somehow she was beginning to understand why human beings could succumb so easily to it's temptation.

  But in thinking of it, she began to wonder how often he'd looked that way at Victoria - a woman he had shared so much of his life with.

  A cloud of doubt came hovering over her then, and words came into her head to counsel her. She thought of Mr. Rochester, and how he talked to Jane of the mistresses he no longe
r cared for. How his feelings for them had dissolved into nothing. And then she thought of Jane, torn between the man she loved and the risk of a broken heart…

  If I were so far to forget myself and all the teaching that had ever been instilled into me, as--under any pretext--with any justification--through any temptation--to become the successor of these poor girls, he would one day regard me with the same feeling which now in his mind desecrated their memory…

  What if, someday soon, Henry would treat her as he had treated Victoria? What if this fancy of his just up and faded away?

  She shook her head at her own romantic musings. What did it matter if his feelings faded away? Those feelings, she was convinced, were not of the intensity that Rochester had for his beloved Jane. No man would ever love a woman that way. And so, what was the danger in being a friend to Henry? Friendship was not love, not passion - not commitment. It was just two people who enjoyed being in each other's company, and where was the harm in that?

  Soon it was growing dark. But with the lights of the shops blazing, so warm and inviting, she decided she wasn’t ready to go home just yet. So she slipped into a pretty little shop on the corner. It was a place of polished wood and shining glass, with leather booths and small tables, and a long bar that took up nearly one whole side of the room. It was an ice cream parlor. She could see that from the man behind the counter, who was filling a glass with chocolate soda, and the several people sitting around the place with their bowls and cones. But it wasn't the ice cream that drew her away from the door - it was the sight of a telephone on the back wall.

  She may not have wanted to go home, but her conscience told her that she should at least call Alice and let her know she was all right. Alice could always relay the message to Jack, and then she wouldn't have to talk to him. She requested the use of it from the man at the counter, who smiled and nodded. When she called, Alice answered, and sounded quite concerned. It seemed Jack was still out looking for her, and he had called the house several times hoping she had come home. Grace assured Alice that she was well, and that she would be home soon, but would not say exactly where she was. She hung up the phone with a little sigh. She turned around and went to a seat at the bar, and the soda jerk came over to her.