by Sarah Pawley
"Toby," he said. And at that, the pair stopped, turning to look at him. "I think you should get back to work.”
"Right, boss.” Turning to Grace, Toby gave her a little smile and a wink. He hurried to pick up his trumpet from the floor. They started another song she had amongst her lyric sheets, and the flow of rehearsals resumed once again.
After they resumed their work, she didn’t see much more of Henry. The day had been busy, both of them going about their business. Her main focus had been on getting the words of her songs into her head.
What a lovely day it had been, with Toby there especially. He was such a good soul, so kind and generous. He loved being the center of attention, if his showing off was any indication. She even wondered if maybe he was a little sweet on her, especially when he asked her out again.
“Why don’t you let me take you to dinner?” he asked. “We’re partners now. Why don’t we get to know each other a little better?”
She blushed, flattered by his invitation. But she shook her head. "That's really nice of you...but I already have a sweetheart."
For a moment he seemed disappointed, and she hoped she hadn’t hurt his feelings. But he smiled sweetly. "Well it’s good to hear you’ve got someone. Whoever he is, he's a very lucky man."
She smiled…and her thoughts drifted back to Henry. She wished it had been he who had danced with her, and sung to her so sweetly. But he had been true to his word and kept his distance. Now that the day was done, she wondered if that might change in some way. She knew he felt as she did…that he wanted to be with her, as much as she wanted to be with him. If only they could defy the rules and be with each other as they wished. No fear of scandal, or judgment. If only he could be her husband.
The thought came to her so suddenly, it nearly took her breath. He hadn’t so much as hinted at such a union, though she had seen such love and desire in his eyes, she did not doubt his feelings. Then it occurred to her that he might not want to be married again, even to her…not after the failure of his first marriage. Such a wound was deep, and not always healed, even with the passage of time. Then, of course, there were her own worries and fears. Marriage had always seemed like a life-long prison sentence to her. Now, she felt a great temptation to gamble on it…to gamble on love, and hope that he would dare to do it too. But she would not demand it of him. She would let things be as fate intended, and trust in time.
* * * * *
As things were winding down for the day, Thomas came to her.
"The boss wants to talk to you.”
Her eyes widened a little. A pulse of anxiety ran through her, but she tried to appear calm as she went towards the stairs, going to the office above. She was not in the hall alone. There were two gentleman in the office with Henry…she saw them talking to him as she stood outside the open door. But they might have been invisible, for he glanced at her briefly, and the warmth in that tiny moment spoke volumes. He was speaking to his partners, but clearly it was each other they were both thinking of. She waited several moments, and when the two men left, she saw him rise from his chair and come towards her with flashing eyes. She took a brave step forward into his office, careful not to stray too far beyond the doorway. Before he spoke, he looked about. It seemed they were quite alone, but still they were cautious, and he did not touch her. He stood just before her, almost nose to nose. He inclined his head forward, his voice a whisper.
"I've missed you.”
A tremble of excitement seized, her face flushing with warmth. She was surprised at her own ability to maintain her voice. "I've missed you, too."
He sighed in frustration. "When can we be alone again? Really alone, and not like this. Stealing a moment, wondering who might come along."
She sighed in return. "I don't know.”
She felt his fingers, a light touch, on her jaw. He lifted her chin, and she gazed into his eyes, seeing how they sparkled with mischief. He was plotting something. She could see it in his look. And she gave him a little smile, which he returned as he revealed his thoughts.
"Maybe we can meet somewhere, just the two of us."
After a quiet moment, he leaned back to study her face…and his smile deepened at seeing her cheeks flushed with color.
"You are blushing. Are you thinking of being with me, but afraid to say so out loud?" She did not answer, and it seemed to amuse him all the more. "It is not a sin to enjoy being with someone."
"I know," she said softly. “But being near someone, and not being able to show them how you feel…” She sighed in frustration. She knew she should not, but she felt drawn to him more than ever. In a moment, she was leaning against him, pressing her cheek against the warmth of his chest.
His arms went around her, his cheek firm against her head. "I know we promised to be sensible. But this may be the most difficult promise I’ve ever kept."
She sighed, feeling his heart beat against her ear. “There must be something we can do.”
He nodded. "I'll come up with something. I'll leave you a letter when I think of it." They lingered together for as long as they dared, but all too soon they knew they had to part, at least from each other's arms. To remain in an embrace was too risky. And yet, that element of danger only heightened their longing for one another. As she turned to go, he took hold of her hand and pulled her back quickly, placing a brief but heated kiss on her lips.
"Go, quick," he said, his voice a low whisper. She nodded, smiling, and hurried away.
* * * * *
On the street outside, she started walking towards the stairs of the El. She knew she could easily ride home with Henry. He would want her to, and she would have relished the chance to be so alone and close with him. But she had decided it would not be wise, as they were trying to maintain a sense of decorum. The time on her way home, alone, would be a quiet time, to think and reflect on her day. As she reached the stairs, she was stopped by the sound of a familiar voice…and it chilled her to hear it.
“Gracie,” he said.
She turned slowly, and there he was. Charlie, standing with his hat in his hands, looking nervous at best. It was not the expression she knew so well on his face. There was something forlorn about his look. But she did not dwell on what his appearance was. All she knew was that he was standing in front of her, when he should have been far away from here, and she felt the urge to flee. He must have sensed it, for he spoke almost instantly.
“Don’t run away. I promise, I won’t do anything. I just want to talk to you, that’s all. Please, give me five minutes.”
She looked at him, seeing his sad eyes. She could not help but pity him, despite what she knew lurked under the surface. And part of her wanted to hear what he had to say. If anything, he owed her an explanation. So she sighed, and relented to his request.
“All right Charlie. There’s a little coffee shop across the street. We can go there and talk. I’ll give you a little time, but if you try anything, I swear I’ll call someone for help. The police, maybe. Or my brother. He would love to have some words with you, or worse.” She walked past him across the street, and he followed quickly.
* * * * *
“The church set me up at the YMCA,” he said, sipping a cup of coffee. “That’s where I’ve been staying since I got here. I just couldn’t make myself go home.”
She sat across from him at a little table, watching him as he talked. He looked a little thinner, she realized. The last time she’d seem him, she’d been too rushed in her actions to notice it. There was a change in his face…a look that seemed desperate and gloomy.
Somehow it troubled her more to see that, rather than the angry side of his personality. In its way, there was something darker about his gloom. But she tried not to dwell on it. He had come here to talk, and she wished him to be done with it.
“Charlie,” she said gently, “Why are you still here? If it’s to make me change my mind, I’m sorry, but it’s not going to happen. I’m happy here, and that’s not going to change.”
/> “But I want to talk to you about the night I proposed,” he said quickly, before she could stop him. “I was angry. I was hurt. You don’t know what it was like for me, growing up with Uncle Robert. I had all this anger inside, but I wasn’t supposed to express it. I was supposed to believe that God meant for everything to happen to me, and that I should accept my suffering with humility.”
He was rambling…and making her nervous…but she let him go on.
“Sometimes, with all that anger bottled up, I just lose my temper. But I didn’t mean to talk to you that way. If I could take it back, I would in a second.”
She wanted to believe him. And she was sure that somewhere in his soul, he really did regret the things he had said. But what did that matter now? Their lives were set on different paths. And she realized that this was the point where they needed to part, perhaps forever.
“I forgive you Charlie, for everything. I think all we can do now is move on. I think it’s the best thing for both of us.”
He looked down at his hands, his voice low. “I was still hoping we could go on together.” He turned to her, placing his hand on hers. “I love you, Gracie. I always have, ever since we were kids. You were always the one good thing in my life. Like my own little angel.”
She pulled her hand from his…his touch sending fearful tremors up her arm.
“I’m no angel, Charlie. I’m not perfect. No one is. Besides, there are plenty of other girls out there. And you have a lot to offer them.”
A light of hope seemed to light his eyes.
“Oh, I see what this is about now. You’re thinking about my inheritance. That’s something else I have to talk to you about. There was a rumor going that I only wanted to marry you to get my hands on my father’s property. But that’s not true. You’re the only woman I’ve ever wanted to be with.”
All of these revelations were too much. And now she feared that if she told him what was in her own heart, he might not be able to accept it. But if she did not tell him, he would only be lingering on. No, the best thing to do was to tell him the truth, and hope that this time, he would understand and do what was best for the both of them.
“I’m sorry Charlie. This has to be goodbye.” She tried to say more, but could not find the words. She rose to her feet, and though she heard him say her name pleadingly, she hurried out of the restaurant before he could stop her.
Chapter 19
“Anticipation”
Sitting at his desk at home, Henry held his pen over a sheet of paper, prepared to scribble out the details of a secret rendezvous. They would meet at the Oriental Theatre…a grand movie house, where once the lights went down, they could sit as close as they pleased and few would notice them. And yet as he held his pen in his hand, something kept him from writing the words.
He had so anticipated the night to come. He imagined sitting beside her, feeling her slight figure leaning warmly against him. Holding her hand, so warm and soft in his own. Kissing her. He felt a deep, wild thrill at the thought.
And then a great sense of shame.
It was that shame that kept him from writing, and he put the pen down, folded his hands together, and leaned his mouth against his knuckles with a deep sigh.
Had he not promised her, and himself, that they would keep their relationship tame? Yet here he was, about to plan out a secret meeting, while his wicked mind conjured up thoughts of the two of them entwined in each other's arms, sharing heated kissed and whispers…all while in the dark, hoping not to be found out. Grace was not like the women he had known before, and yet he was treating her as he had treated them… thinking of himself first, of his own burning needs and desires. He had made a promise of chivalry to her, and already he found himself near to breaking it. And what galled him more was the idea that she might allow it. He had so admired her strength and stubbornness…and her resistance to him had been proof of it. But despite her strength, she was young and vulnerable. Sweet words, soft affections…after her initial struggle, she had given in to those temptations quite willingly, and he had so delighted in every moment. But therein lay the rub.
She was a pure woman, a good woman, better than any he had ever known. Better than he deserved. He would not treat her like a cheap plaything. He swore he would not, and as he vowed it to himself, he rose up from his chair to pace the floor, as yet another troubling thought came to him.
How would he keep his word? He wanted to keep it. He wanted to be a good and decent man for her. And yet, it was so difficult to restrain himself when she was near. His weakness had been proven earlier that day, when they had embraced in his office. She had initiated it, which he had not minded at all. But then he had taken it a step further by kissing her, which was proof that neither of them were quite in control of their feelings for one another. There had to be a way to solve their dilemma. For one wild and thoughtless moment, he entertained the notion of just running away from her. He could flee temptation, and it would free her from his clutches. But then he realized such an idea was not only cowardly…it was utterly ridiculous.
He could not leave her, ever. She was the woman he wanted, and giving her up was not an option. How would that look to her, to have him wild for her one moment, and then abandoning her the next? No, he would not go the route of a coward. He sighed deeply, and thought, If only I could make her my wife.
The idea hit him like ice water, shocking him with its suddenness.
His wife? For a moment the word petrified him, as it had for so long. The idea of committing himself to someone, body and soul, for the rest of his days? He had tried it once, and failed. He shook his head, trying to dislodge the whole stupid theme from his brain.
But it would not go. And the more he tried to fight it, the more his resistance to it was worn away. His wife. How he had loathed the word for so long. But as it was churning again and again there in his head, he began to partner the word with the person who had occupied his thoughts for weeks. He began to imagine how it would be to spend every moment of his life with her. It would never be boring, that was for sure and for certain. And thinking of her, he marveled at the idea that he could be the only man ever to have her. She would be his, and only his, and the thought seemed so heavenly. Almost too heavenly, it seemed. What if she refused him, as she had refused Charlie? But nearly in an instant, he banished that idea from his thoughts. She loved him. He could see it in her eyes, could feel it in her kiss and her touch. They were meant to be together.
To know he had found his mate was a revelation that words could not describe. Yet he knew their path to happiness was still paved with stones. Her tender age, her admired reputation in the circle of the club, her brother…all were potential landmines, and had to be handled delicately. And as to marriage, it was something he vowed not to take lightly this time.
Fools rush in, he reminded himself…and he vowed not to be a fool with this second chance.
* * * * *
She hadn’t "consulted" with Jane in quite a while. The whirlwind of activity she'd been in lately had left her little time for her mentor, but now, it seemed that a perfect opportunity had come along. The night was quiet. She was calm, and yet too excited to go to bed. The day at the club and her progress there…the glorious moments alone with Henry. Then, to come home and learn about the baby. All of it was too much to allow sleep. She was selective about one thought…that of Charlie. She wanted to erase him from her mind, preferring to only dwell on happy things. So she brought out her well worn copy of Jane Eyre opening it to one of the loveliest of scenes…Jane and Edward, newly engaged and deliriously happy. The words held a new and deeper meaning for her, as she understood at last what it felt like to be so much in love. She was sitting against the pillows, reading, when there came a soft rap on the door.
"Come in," she said, raising her head, and she smiled when Alice appeared.
"I saw your light under the door. I thought I would come in for a minute."
"I'm glad you did.” She put her book down as Ali
ce came to sit beside her on the bed. She smiled at her. "How are you feeling, little mother?"
A great beam of delight came to Alice's face. Her hand came to rest on her belly.
"I’m wonderful at the moment,” she replied. “I was sick those few times in the morning, and even though I hoped it was good news, I was scared to believe it. You'll never know how shocked I was when the doctor confirmed it was a baby." She smiled and chuckled at the memory. "I know it won't be long now before I'm dealing with swollen feet and backaches, and all the other joys of pregnancy." She paused, letting out a little sigh, and yet she smiled still. "But even that, I don't think I'll mind, especially when I think of the end result.”
Grace leaned against her sister-in-law, sharing in her joy, while deep in the depths of her own. She let out her own little sound of contentment, which Alice took note of.
"You sound as happy as I am," she declared. "And I, being a clever creature, have to wonder if my suspicions are correct. You are a woman in love, aren't you?"
Grace nodded, and Alice tilted her head in a little triumph. "I saw it on your face when you came home. So will we be planning a wedding as well as a baby shower?"
Sitting a little straighter, Grace’s joy lessened. “I don’t figure that far ahead. I’m almost afraid to.”
“Because of the other women?”
She nodded. “I want to believe him when he says he cares for me. But I’m no fool. I don’t know much, but I know that all men aren’t loyal like my brother. And I can’t help wondering. Did Henry say the same things to me that he said to all the others?”
