Breaking Free

by Alexis Noelle

  I get into the cab, give the driver my address, and as we pull away I look back at the building. The door is so far away but I can see someone standing by it. Hopefully, I didn’t just make a really bad decision.

  When I get home, everyone is in the living room but I don’t feel like making small talk and pretending my head isn’t screwed up.

  I walk upstairs and fall face first onto the bed. I decide to let the tears that I’ve fought back since Drew turned his back on me flow freely. My door opens but I don’t want to look up at whoever it is. I’m not in the mood for company; I thought they would have figured that out. My bed dips and I decide to see who my visitor is. Carter.

  “What happened?”

  “Nothing, Carter. I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “Holls, I knew he would hurt you.” When I look at him he seems genuinely upset. Carter doesn’t know half of what actually happened to me that night, but he was the one who found me in the trunk. Ever since then, he’s tried to keep me from getting so much as a paper cut. I know he loves me and I’ve acted like a complete brat.

  “I love you.” He wraps his arms around me and I immediately feel like I’m suffocating. My skin feels like it’s being stabbed with a million different needles. I roll away from Carter and his embrace, turning so that my back is to him. I know I’m probably hurting him, but I’m not ready to explain this to him. Carter gets up and leaves the room, closing the door behind him.

  The tears flow again, not just because of what happened with Drew or Carter, but because I’m now back to the messed up girl who can’t function normally. You have no idea how much you take something as simple as human touch for granted until it’s taken away from you. I close my eyes, wishing I can wake up in the morning and have everything be back to normal.

  I’m stuck in a metal cage with bars surrounding me. It’s so short that I can barely kneel without hitting my head on the ceiling. I feel around the cage looking for a latch or something to help me get out but there isn’t one. I start to panic and that’s when I hear his voice.

  “You look fucking perfect.” No. It’s not possible. He can’t be here. “I can’t wait to get you alone. Wait ‘til you see what I do to you.”

  A hand reaches into the cage and I slam back against the opposite side. This is the game that goes on countless times until the hands are everywhere. They come from every direction, reaching out for me until there are so many that I can’t escape them. I scream as they rip at my clothes and scratch my skin with their ridged nails. I scream at the top of my lungs until my voice no longer works.

  I sit up in bed, running my hands all over my body, searching for the marks I’m almost positive will be there. I’m fine, though, at least physically.

  * * *

  I wake up in the morning—at least I think it’s morning—and I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck. When I get out of bed and check my phone, all I want to do is crawl back into bed. I don’t have any texts or calls from Drew. I know I basically told him to take a hike, but I guess I was hoping that he would fight me to stay. I shouldn’t have been so naïve, though. I always knew that he wasn’t that guy no matter how much I may have wanted him to be.

  My door opens, and when I turn over, Madison is standing there. Even though she and Carter aren’t married yet, I already feel like she’s my sister. She takes one look at me and shakes her head. “Come on.” What? “Let’s go get lunch, I have a feeling you need some fresh air.”

  “I really don’t want—”

  “Nope, I’m not taking no for an answer. Let’s go. You have five minutes or I’m coming in here and dressing you myself.” She closes the door behind her and I grudgingly head over to my closet. If she’s forcing me to go out she’s getting the oversized t-shirt and sweatpants me. I really am a brat.

  I get dressed and head downstairs. She looks at me and laughs. “What? We don’t have to go if this isn’t okay.”

  “Wear whatever you want, girl.”

  We walk to Carter’s car and she drives down to the diner. The car ride is uncomfortable and it’s freaking me out because it’s never been like this between us. When we arrive, we grab a booth and start looking at the menus. The first time either of us talks is when we are giving the waitress our orders. After she walks away, I look up and Mads is staring at me. “Spill.” I don’t answer her. “Come on, Holly. You came in looking like shit last night. What happened?”

  Gee, thanks. “Nothing that I didn’t know would happen.”

  She shakes her head. “I don’t get it. I mean, you only knew him for a day. I know he’s some big hotshot or whatever, but are you really that serious about him so soon?” Her phone beeps and she pulls it out.

  I can’t tell her everything, but maybe it will help to talk a little. “No. I can’t explain it, Mads. He made me feel free, like I could do anything, and like—”

  “Oh My God!” She meets my eyes and I can tell that this is not a good oh my God.

  “What?”

  She holds her phone out to me and I take it. When I look at the screen it’s a picture of me and Drew. He is hitting the car and I look terrified. The next picture is of that tear that I didn’t mean to let go. I look at the website, it’s US Weekly. Shit. As I scroll through the gallery, they have pictures of him running his hands up my body and even of us walking into the hotel. You can’t tell it’s me because of Drew’s sweatshirt but it’s an easy assumption. I hope this is the only site.

  I go to Google and search Drew’s name. All the results that pop up make me sick; ‘Drew and his mystery girl’ ‘Is the Renegade losing it?’ ‘Drew Walker abusive?’ This can’t be happening. I head for the door immediately. I need air.

  When I get outside, I feel a hand on my back and I jump. It’s Madison and she looks at me like I’m losing it. “What happened yesterday?”

  “Nothing that they are saying is true!”

  “Okay, okay. Let’s just go home, alright?”

  I nod my head. The entire car ride all I can think about is Drew’s reaction to these stories. He probably hates me now. Everyone is going to think that he’s some horrible person. Should I make some sort of a statement in his defense? Would that only make things worse?

  “Holy Hell.”

  I look up and our entire front lawn is covered in reporters.

  “What should I do?” I look at Mads and I have no idea how to answer her.

  Just then, Jason opens our front door and walks out toward the car with Shawn. Madison and I get out of the car, and with the boys acting as a human barricade, we make our way inside.

  When we get inside, I let out a breath that I didn’t know I was holding. What the hell am I going to do now? When I look up, everyone is just staring at me, waiting for an explanation that I don’t want to give them.

  What do you say to your friends when they think the asshole that showed up at your house hit you and now it’s plastered all over magazines? “It’s not what you think.” That’s all I can manage before I turn to go up the steps, feeling defeated.

  “That’s all you’re gonna say, Holls?!” Jason called after me.

  Yep. That’s it.

  I don’t know how long I’ve been in my room. I only know Carter came home a little while ago because I could hear him screaming at the reporters. I haven’t been downstairs again; I don’t want to face the accusations and interrogations that I know are coming. I’ve just been lying up here, being a glutton for punishment, and reading all of the stories on the internet about Drew and me.

  Every single website is slamming him and making it seem like I was his victim. Drew Walker is no angel, but he is not the person that they are making him out to be. Did he destroy me in only a couple days? Yes. Was it anything that I didn’t ask for? No.

  My door opens and Carter walks in. I’m not in the mood for this right now. I already feel like shit and I don’t want him sitting here giving me the ‘I told you so’ talk. “Can we talk about all of this?”

  I look up at him
. “Do we have to?”

  “Just tell me what’s going on, Holly. Is everything they are saying true? The stories are everywhere online, on TV, even Dad called about it.” Carter looks frustrated and I understand why. However, there’s no explanation I can give him that will make him happy at this point.

  “He never touched me in a way that I didn’t ask for.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?!”

  “Carter, why don’t you go downstairs.” I looked past Carter to see Nicole and Christen.

  He throws his hands up in defeat. “Fine, maybe you can get through her hard head!”

  The girls come in and sit next to me on the bed. Nicole looked at me in her usual no nonsense kind of way. “Spill, and none of this stupid ass vague shit. We don’t give a crap about these assholes outside, girl, but we do care about you. Now, you need to start talking.”

  I glare at her but she gives it right back to me. Nicole is a pit bull when she needs to be and I can tell that she isn’t going to back down. I sit up and scoot to the head of the bed, resting my back and head against the wall. “I don’t know what to say.”

  Nicole lets out a sigh of exasperation. “You can start with what happened the past couple days, especially with the pictures and shit from yesterday. If you want to share some dirty details, too, I wouldn’t object.”

  Christen elbows her in the side. “You’re such an idiot. Holly, listen, we just want to understand. We aren’t going to judge you.”

  I took a deep breath, wondering if it will help me at all to talk to someone about it. Even if it won’t help me, it will make them feel better. Here goes nothing. “When I went to the bathroom before the show, I ran into Drew. It was an…unusual exchange.” I tell them everything that happened after that, but I leave out a lot of the sex, much to Nicole’s disappointment. “So, I walked away from him. He chased after me and we got into an argument as I was getting into the cab. That’s what the cameras caught.”

  They both just stared at me until Christen finally broke the silence. “Why don’t you call him?”

  “Why, Chris? Nothing has changed. I’m not ready to be anything close to what he wants, and he’s too damn pig headed to compromise.” I’ve thought about calling him or texting him every minute since I walked away from him. He has this hold on me that I just can’t fucking shake.

  “Holls, listen, I haven’t seen you as happy as you were in the few seconds I saw you with him. He’s been able to bring the old you back and I’ve missed her.”

  A tear rolls down my cheek because I know that what Christen is saying to me is completely true. Drew made me feel like myself. I wasn’t in the suffocating prison I had been in the past few months. I was free. I was happy.

  Nicole scoots over closer to me like she’s about to give me a hug, but I get up from the bed. “You haven’t told us everything. What the fuck is up with you acting like we all have cooties all of a sudden?”

  Christen doesn’t say anything; she seems to be waiting for my response the same way Nicole is. I can’t tell them, though, they will all think that I’ve gone friggin’ crazy. I don’t need that. Besides, the only thing that me telling them would get me is pity, and I don’t want any of that.

  I roll my eyes at her. “Maybe I just don’t like you anymore, ho.”

  Nicole throws a pillow at my head as she laughs, but I can tell from Christen’s face that she knows I’m avoiding the question.

  “Okay, one last thing.” I look up at Christen, dreading whatever it is she’s about to say. “You need to go easy on Carter, or you’re going to land him in the insane asylum.”

  “Go easy on him?! He’s been out of his damn mind, Chris! He tracked my damn phone and busted into our hotel room, then started a fight with Drew! On top of that, he won’t even let me leave the house without an explanation of where I’m going. He is smothering me and I can’t take it.”

  “Listen, we know that he’s definitely gone off the deep end a little.” Nicole laughs. “What you need to understand, though, is that it’s all coming from a good place. When you were missing he was out of his mind. How do you think he felt finding you unconscious in the trunk of that car? Drew may be exciting to you, but he scares the shit out of Carter. He feels like he failed you and now he wants to save you before the next catastrophe, babe.”

  Well, I feel like an asshole.

  I walk downstairs and everyone is in the kitchen talking. They all get quiet when I walk in, so I’m assuming it was about me. I don’t say anything; I just walk up to my brother, and even though I know it’s going to hurt, I wrap my arms around his waist. He squeezes me back and I hold in the yelp that wants to escape. I pull away before he’s ready for me to but I just can’t take it anymore.

  He looks at me as if he’s trying to figure me out, but I turn around and head back upstairs. They won’t get it. I take out my laptop and do something I’ve been afraid to do for months. I Google ‘fear of being touched.’ I’ve never had the nerve to look it up before; it’s almost like I’m accepting it and now it’s real. Apparently, it’s something called Haphephobia, and it’s common to develop it after a trauma. After studying it for an hour, my worst fear is realized. There really isn’t any treatment other than counseling. They say that your fear and reaction could lessen, but the chances of it going away are not great. I bury my head in my pillow and cry. I want nothing more than to be able to have closeness and intimacy with people, but my hopes have now been shattered.

  The only person whose touch I can tolerate just walked away from me. He didn’t walk away. You ran away. Now I have to get used to living in my shell and keeping everyone else out.

  Over the next few days, I don’t leave the house much. The craziness has died down and people aren’t camping out in front of the house anymore, but I’ve seen one or two hanging around. The nightmares have been getting increasingly worse and more vivid. Every time I wake up, I am completely convinced that they’re real.

  I go downstairs and Nicole is watching TV on the couch, and as I walk by her, she calls my name. “Holly! Come here!”

  I reluctantly walk over to the couch and sit down. Everyone has been trying to cheer me up lately but they haven’t been successful. I don’t want to be cheered up; I just need some time to be able to finally accept the way things will be from now on. I look over at Nicole as if to ask her what she wants.

  “Let’s go somewhere, do something, at least just get out of the house.”

  I shake my head. “No, but thanks, Nic.”

  I get up before she can reply, grab a bottle of water from the kitchen, and head back upstairs. Before I know what I’m doing, I take out my laptop and go onto Facebook. I click on the message thread between Drew and me, and then I make an even worse decision and start to type.

  Just wanted to say that I’m sorry for all the stuff with the pictures. How are you?

  How are you? I delete that part and hit send. Short and sweet. Now I’m just going to torture myself waiting for his reply. I think over the course of the day I must check my messages two times every hour. This time, when I open it, it says that he read it. I hold my breath, waiting for a response from him. At this point I would even take a command. I just want something, but nothing comes.

  Chapter Six

  I’m in the trunk again and it’s so hard to breathe. I’m lightheaded and dizzy, plus the car keeps hitting bumps and my head hurts.

  I can feel the car stop and my heart speeds up. When the trunk opens, he smiles at me and I feel like I’m going to be sick. He picks me up in his arms as if he’s carrying a baby, and when I look around all I see are trees. Chris walks up to a cabin that looks like it’s falling apart and goes inside. It smells horrible in here and it’s filthy. All I can think to myself is that this is where I’m going to die.

  He walks with me into another room with a bed. I start shaking my head and thrashing my body around. Please don’t let him do this to me. He throws me onto the bed and then hovers over me. “It’s a
bout damn time.”

  He reaches for my pants and I scream, but with the tape over my mouth no one can hear me.

  I wake up and feel someone pressed up against me, at first I think it’s just another dream. When I open my eyes and see that my bedroom window is open, I panic. Oh my God, this time it’s real. I scream, hoping to get anyone’s attention, and in fear of who could be in here with me.

  “Hey.” A hand grips my shoulder, turning me onto my back. When I see the face above me it’s a relief.

  “Drew, what are you doing here? And why the heck would you not have used the door?”

  My door bursts open, the light flips on, and both Jason and Shawn are standing there. I guess they stayed over.

  Shawn looks lethal as he stares at Drew. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

  Jason looks over at me. “Holls, what happened? You okay?”

  I nod, but realize that isn’t going to cut it. “I…I’m fine. Sorry guys.”

  They look at the each other in disbelief and come farther into the room. Drew stands up and now he and Shawn are toe to toe. Both of them are over six feet tall and jacked to the max. If they end up fighting, I’m not sure J could even break it up and he’s definitely not the least bit scrawny.

  “I asked you a fucking question. What are you doing here?”

  Drew laughs. He is such a damn instigator. “I should ask you why you feel like you have the right to come barging into my girl’s room.” His girl? Since when? I’ve only told him no a gazillion times.

  “I’m sorry, asshole. You talking about the girl you fucking abandoned and left everyone else to pick up the pieces?”

  Thanks for making me out to be some pathetic loser. I stand up and wedge myself between them which is no easy feat. Especially since it meant being in close proximity to Shawn and touching him. “Can we stop, please? I’m sorry I scared you guys, okay? I’m fine, though.”

  Shawn looks down at me. “Holls, you need to move before you end up getting hurt.” Both of their chests are moving so rapidly that I’m lightly bouncing back and forth between them.