Breaking Free

by Alexis Noelle

  Drew peeks over my shoulder. “Hey, baby girl. Give us a few minutes and we’ll be down for breakfast, okay?” Maya smiles and nods her head, and as soon as the door shuts we both start laughing. “We need to get dressed before she comes back.”

  I groan as I leave the comfort of Drew’s bed and begrudgingly get dressed. We make our way downstairs and I see his mom, his sister, and who I can only assume is his dad. He has salt and pepper hair, the same gorgeous eyes as Drew, and he looks like he’s ready to go to a golf course with his outfit.

  He stands when he notices me and comes over. “Hi, you must be Holly.” When Drew’s dad hugs me, I want to be happy and relish in the fact that his family is accepting me. The pain is still there, though, and it fucking hurts. I hate how unbelievably screwed up I am. I catch Drew looking at me. Oh my God, did he notice?

  I pull away from his dad so I can catch my breath. Drew places a hand on my back, but I can still feel him staring at my face. Watching. Shit, is he putting it together? “Nice, to meet you, Mr. Walker.”

  “Nonsense, you can call me Adam.” I smile at him and sit down at the table.

  Drew’s gaze follows me until his mother asks him something. I’m too distracted and anxious to pay any attention to what they are talking about.

  “What do you think, babe?”

  I turn to look at him, snapping out of the daze I’m in. “About what?”

  “My parents want to go to the country club today. They asked if we wanted to go with them.”

  I smile at him, hoping to ease the obvious tension in his eyes. “Okay, sounds good.”

  We finish breakfast, and while we’re waiting for everyone to get ready, Drew pulls me into his room. “You need to tell me what’s going on, James. Why you have the anxiety, why you look like you’re in pain half the damn time. You need to tell me what the hell is going on.”

  Fuck. I run my hands through my hair. “Drew, I can’t.”

  “No!” he yells, but then stops, realizing where we are. His voice is low now, but still loud enough for me to know he is pissed. “That ‘I can’t’ shit isn’t going to work anymore. You need to tell me now.”

  “Okay, just not here. When we get back to your house.”

  He seems to think over my proposition before he nods and then walks out of the room. I sit down on his bed and rest my head in my hands. I’m completely screwed.

  Things would be perfect if there wasn’t so much tension between the two of us. I know his mom has noticed by the looks she keeps throwing our way. We have lunch, and then spend the rest of the day in the pool and playing with Maya. A few times I think Drew forgets how mad he is, but those are few and far between.

  When his mom invites us back for dinner, he says no because he wants to get to his show early tonight. At this, rate we’ll be home be five and his show doesn’t start until eight. Plenty of time for talking. Damn.

  He doesn’t speak to me for the entire forty-five minute car ride. I don’t know if he thought it would make me feel guilty, but it doesn’t. It just pisses me off. How dare he be mad at me for keeping secrets when he has his own—like Sarah and his reason behind his control issues. If he wants to know my secrets he better be damn ready to tell me his.

  We walk into his house and he immediately heads for the living room. I follow him like a child going into time-out. When I sit down, he just stares at me expectantly. I’m definitely not making this easy for him. After a few minutes of silence, he sighs. “I need you to tell me, James.”

  “You first.”

  Drew narrows his eyes at me. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

  “You first. You want to know my demons then tell me yours. I want to know who Sarah is and if she’s the reason that you crave this control over me.”

  “No!” He stands up. “You do not get to turn this shit around on me! We are talking about your fucking issues right now!”

  Tears sting my eyes but I force them back. “That’s because we are never allowed to talk about yours!”

  “You really want to know, James?! Will it help you sleep better at night to know that Sarah is fucking dead! That she died because of me?! That’s what you wanted, right? You wanted my fucking secret? Well, now you have it!”

  Shit. “What do you mean she died because of you? What happened?” I stand and put my hand on his shoulder to try and calm him down but he shakes me off.

  “No, you want this story then sit down and listen.”

  I sit and wait.

  He paces back and forth in front of me. “Fuck!” He screams and I jump at the power behind his voice. “Sarah was sixteen, beautiful inside and out, she was fucking perfect. We had been friends since we were in Kindergarten, but in our junior year of high school it became something more.” He takes a deep breath, almost as if it’s painful to go on. “That’s when I started to notice the bruises. I always asked her about them, but she would give me some bullshit excuse, and then she would shut down. Her mom died at an early age so it was just her and her dad. A week before we were going to leave for college, things started to get worse. I begged her to let me tell someone but she refused. I was a scrawny little shit back then and I knew I had absolutely no shot in defending her from her dad.”

  He stops talking but I don’t say anything. “He was an ex-Marine, and apparently he was suffering from severe PTSD. He was schizophrenic and half of the time he didn’t even know what he was doing. The day we were supposed to leave, she never showed up. She was never even a minute late for anything so I knew something was fucking wrong. I went over to her house and I found them. Her dad shot her and then killed himself. The police found a note from her father saying that he couldn’t live without her, so he took her with him. I should have been there for her. I knew that shit was going on and if I would have said something to someone she would still fucking be here.”

  I can’t let him sit here and blame himself for this. “Drew, you just—”

  “I know what you’re going to say already! I was just a kid. Everyone has regrets. The difference is, my regret cost the best person I have ever fucking met her life! That’s the big secret! You happy now, James?” He says my name with such contempt that I flinch. “This what you wanted to hear? This is why I control everything in my life, so that nothing is out of my hands again. No more fucking regrets.” He sits down, obviously worn out from his admission.

  I sit there in silence, not knowing how to respond, so I say what I’m thinking. “Drew, I don’t know what to say to you. I just think that—”

  “No. The only thing I want to hear now is your secret. You dragged mine the fuck out of me, now it’s your turn.”

  He’s being so cruel, unlike I have ever seen him before. “A few months ago I was attacked. Someone pretended to like me online, and when we met up, he kidnapped me. I don’t remember a lot of it because I was in and out of consciousness. He had me for a few hours, and I really don’t want to get into all of the gory details. Luckily, I wasn’t hurt too badly, and Carter found me in the trunk of his car before it was too late.”

  I take a deep breath and ready myself to tell him what no one else in the world knows. “Ever since then, I can’t stand to be touched.” His head shoots up and he looks me in the eyes. “It hurts, almost like a knife, except with you. As soon as anyone else touches me, it’s immediate pain—my brother, my best friends, even my family. I can’t stand to have any type of contact with them whatsoever. I thought until the day that I met you that was how it would always be, and that I was destined to be alone. I don’t know why, and I can’t explain it, but you’re the only person who can touch me without it hurting.”

  Last confession and then I can be done. “I also have nightmares of him, and of that night, but you keep those away, too. Usually, it’s stuff that never really happened but it’s always with him. I wake up screaming half of the time, but when I’m with you all of that disappears. I told you I was a handful and a lot to deal with when we first met. This is why. Those are my de
mons.”

  His eyes darken and the expression on his face scares me. “What happened to him?”

  “He, um…he died.”

  I thought that would calm him but it doesn’t. He stands up and hurls a glass vase at the wall, causing it to shatter into a million pieces. “This is the type of shit I wanted to avoid! This is why I didn’t want to fucking get involved with anyone. You took away the thing that I need. I have no control over this shit and I can’t deal with it. I can’t deal with knowing that everyone around you causes you pain. I can’t deal knowing that fucker still haunts you and there is nothing I can do about it.” He walks out of the room and I follow him.

  “Where are you going?” I know I sound desperate, but the truth is that I am.

  “I’m going out. Alone. I’ll be home late. If you want to stay you can.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?!” I yell at him but he doesn’t turn my way. He just keeps walking. “Drew!”

  “That means if you want to stay, you can. If you don’t, then fucking leave.” He slams the door shut behind him and I sink to the floor.

  I knew no one could deal with my shit.

  I just lost him.

  I didn’t even get the chance to tell him that I love him.

  I don’t know how long I sit there. My eyes hurt from crying so much and my entire body is shaking. I can’t believe this is happening. The intensity of Drew’s story, plus his reaction to mine, has left me gutted. I can’t cry anymore because there isn’t anything left. I dial Drew’s number but it goes straight to voicemail. When I look at the time on my phone it’s seven forty-five. His show is about to start soon.

  I can’t believe he just walked out on me. I head into the kitchen to get a drink of water. Something on the end table in the living room catches my eye, though. It’s my backstage pass for tonight. I know I shouldn’t follow him, and I know he said he wanted space, but I just want to see him. He doesn’t even need to know I’m there.

  I call a cab and thankfully it gets here pretty quickly. I’m at the venue a few minutes before nine o’clock. When I walk in the front doors, the attendants give me a funny look. I know I can go through the back entrance because technically the pass is for backstage, but I want to watch Drew without him knowing I’m here.

  I make my way toward the pit area, figuring I can blend in with the fans. The band is on stage and they are all so amazing, but I can’t take my eyes off of Drew. He is everything a lead singer should be—enigmatic, talented, and gorgeous. The screams are so loud that it’s deafening. A familiar song starts to play and I recognize it from the first time that I met him. It’s the one that we sang on stage together.

  Drew walks toward the edge of the stage and the screams resume. “Alright now. Usually we pick one of you sexy ladies out of the crowd to help us with the next song, but tonight we have a special guest!” Who is he talking about? Did he spot me? “Leslie Chaucer, your favorite reality TV star, is here and she wants to come out here with us!”

  The crowd starts to scream. Leslie Chaucer? She’s famous for being the sluttiest bitch on TV. She did one of those reality shows where a bunch of strangers live together and basically had a different guy in her bed every night. My stomach drops and I feel like I’m going to be sick as I watch her walk out. She’s wearing a red halter dress that barely covers her tits or her ass.

  Halfway through the song, I can’t even move. She has been all over Drew and he hasn’t done anything to stop her. That’s when his eyes find me in the crowd. I guess it’s easy to spot the one person not moving in a sea of people swaying and singing along. He chuckles and then goes back to his cat and mouse game with Leslie. The song ends and Drew exits the stage.

  Oh, hell no. He better not think that he’s getting away with this. I storm backstage, and after opening a million wrong doors, I find him in his dressing room. Thankfully, he’s alone.

  “What are you doing here?” He won’t even look at me.

  “What the hell were you doing up there?!” I get no response from him. I storm over to where he’s standing on the other side of the room. “How dare you disrespect me like that?! I actually care about you!”

  “That’s your fault, sweetheart I told you from the beginning that I wasn’t interested in having a nagging girlfriend to answer to, and guess what you’ve become.”

  I can smell the alcohol on his breath and hear it in his speech. I’m amazed I couldn’t hear it while he was singing. His words cut me, though. I’m standing in front of the man I love, readying myself for him to say he doesn’t want me anymore.

  The door opens, and when I look to see who it is, my mouth drops open. It’s Leslie. She looks between Drew and me before deciding it’s a good idea to still come in. She sits down on the couch against the wall and pulls out her phone, tapping away at it.

  “Is that what you want?” I say to him. As much as I’m trying to fight it, my voice breaks, at the same time, so does my heart. “After everything, you’re just going to throw us away?”

  He laughs, and a sob breaks free from my chest. “If you’re gonna stay you gotta stop the crying.” He swipes at the tear that’s falling down my cheek and licks it off his finger. “It’s really bringing down my mood, and I wanna have some fun.”

  Before I know what I’m doing, I pull back and punch him in the face. I race away from the room, not waiting for his reaction, and not wanting him to see how pathetic I’m about to become. Luckily, since the show just got out, there are cabs everywhere and I rush over to one. He asks me if I’m okay but I can’t answer that, because I’m not. “Take me to the airport, please.”

  Chapter Twelve

  After I ask him to take me there, thankfully he doesn’t ask me what’s wrong again. Then the fact that I’m going to the airport with no money hits me. I look at my phone. It’s ten o’clock here, which means it’s one o’clock back home. Shit, I hope Nicole is up. Nicole’s dad has a lot of money, and even though she constantly fights him on it, he always deposits money into her account every month, but she refuses to use it. Hopefully she can lend me some for a plane ticket. I tap her name and pray that she picks up.

  “Hello?” She sounds exhausted; I definitely woke her up.

  “Nic, I need your help.”

  “Holly? What’s wrong?” she says, trying to stifle a yawn in the process.

  I take a deep breath, attempting to hold my breakdown at bay. “I need money for a plane ticket. I’ll tell you everything, I promise, but I need to get home.”

  “Okay, I’ll transfer you some money now.”

  “Thanks, love you.”

  I hang up. We use the same bank, and have transferred each other money for different things before, so I know I don’t need to give her my info. My phone beeps I look down to find a text from her.

  Nicole: I just sent you $1500, same day flights can be expensive. Please tell me you’re okay?

  I text her back that I’m fine and I will let her know what time I’m landing. I’m not fine, though. Aside from my heart being shattered, I think I may have broken my hand. It’s swollen to almost three times its size and I can’t move it without an immense amount of pain. Just fucking great.

  I text Nicole once I book my flight but I tell her my arrival time is a few hours later then it really is. Once I land, I head straight for the hospital—my hand is throbbing and it’s huge. After two hours of being in the emergency room, it turns out I fractured my hand just below my knuckle. The funny part is that they call it a boxer’s fracture. They put my hand in a splint and tell me that I need to keep it on for three weeks. The wedding is in a month, so thankfully it will be off before then. I text Madison, knowing that she will be the one to freak out the least when I tell her I need to get picked up from the hospital.

  The only catch is that when she pulls up, Christen and Nicole are with her. It’s a damn miracle that they kept Carter away. As soon as I get in the car, I’m bombarded with questions. ‘What happened to your hand?’ ‘What happened
with Drew?’ ‘Why did you need money for a plane ticket in the middle of the night?’

  “Girls, can we stall this until we get home?”

  Nicole turns around in the front seat. “Fine, but you aren’t escaping this, Holls. It’s time to spill.”

  I nod my head. “Are the boys home?”

  Christen wraps her arm around me. “No, I told Shawn to take the boys out for the day. He’s the only one who knows you’re back.”

  I rest my head on her shoulder, even though the pain is still there from the contact, thanking God that I have such amazing friends. When we get to the house, I head straight for my room, of course with everyone else in tow. I sit down in the middle of the bed and that’s when it happens. Everything I’ve held in for the last few hours comes spilling out. I’m sobbing uncontrollably, letting the reality of my situation hit me.

  I lost him. I lost him because I’m so fucked up in my own head. Mads rubs my back and I jump.

  That’s when Nicole interrupts my pity party. “Listen, babe, we’re gonna let you cry until everything is fucking gone, but then you’re gonna talk to us.” I look up at her. “About everything.”

  I nod my head, not ready to be done crying yet, not ready to accept that he walked away from me. After what feels like hours, I realize I can’t cry anymore, and I know I need to start talking.

  I take a deep breath. “If any of this is going to make sense, I’m going to need to start at the beginning…”

  I tell them the whole story, how I can’t stand to be touched, how Drew was the only person that made me feel normal, and how my secret is the thing that pushed him away.

  “No.” I look up at Nicole. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for the way that asshole acted. His shit is what ended the relationship, not yours.”

  While I know she might be right, I can’t accept it. If I wasn’t as screwed up as I am, Drew and I might have been able to make it work.

  “So, I know you might not be up for this, Holly, but I would really like it if you came with us today.” I think back as to what the heck today might be. “My wedding dress and the bridesmaids’ dresses finally came in.”