Breaking Free

by Alexis Noelle

  Shit. I don’t want to be an asshole and say no but I also don’t want to ruin her day. “Honestly, I think me and my love hating self will stay home. Right now, I hate love and any symbols of it and I don’t want to go psycho on the dresses.” I can tell she’s disappointed, but I also know if I go it won’t be much better.

  “Okay, I understand.” I know she does, too. Madison is just like that—selfless, caring, and understanding.

  “You want me to stay here with you?” Christen looks over at me.

  I shake my head. “You guys go. I won’t be much company, and honestly, I just want to drown my sorrows. I think the best way to do that is some wine and some Channing Tatum.” That’s exactly what I do.

  I’m perfectly content, halfway through my second bottle of Moscato, and watching Magic Mike when my phone goes off.

  Drew: I’m so fucking sorry

  What the heck am I supposed to say to him? I don’t care that he’s sorry. I hate him for the way that he treated me.

  Drew: Please talk to me.

  No. I can’t. Even being thousands of miles away from him, he still has a hold on me. I can’t talk to him or I will give in and I don’t want that.

  He calls and I send it straight to voicemail, but not surprisingly, he leaves a message. I delete it before I am tempted to listen to it. Then I decide maybe he needs to understand how serious I am.

  Me: I don’t think that you get that I am done with you. I hate you for what you did and the way you treated me. I hate you for making me feel safe when I wasn’t. I hate that I let myself trust you, only for you to turn around and crush me. Leave me alone. I don’t ever want to see you, or hear from you again.

  By the time I’m done typing, I’m a mess. Wine and movies are not going to fix this; the only thing that will give me any relief is passing out. I cry myself to sleep, hating the situation that I’m in and hating the fact that I’m too weak to deal with it.

  I wake up in Drew’s bed in the middle of the night. He isn’t next to me but I hear voices.

  “Thanks man, I owe you.”

  “Have fun.”

  I can hear footsteps retreating downstairs and then the door opens. That’s when I see the last person in the world I thought I would ever see again. Chris. He’s smiling at me in a way that makes my skin crawl.

  “I told you I would have you, that you were mine.” He lunges for me but I jump off the bed.

  “Drew!” I scream for him. I wish I was strong and could handle this myself, but I’m not. I need him.

  “He isn’t coming to save you.”

  He lunges for me again and this time he catches my leg as I try to move away from him. Before I know it, he’s on top of me and holding my hands above my head.

  “Now let’s finish what I started last time.”

  I wake up out of breath and sweating.

  They’re back. Just great.

  Chapter Thirteen

  This past month has been absolute fucking hell. Drew called and texted constantly the week after we broke up. He must have finally gotten the hint because I haven’t heard from him at all this past week. The wedding is tomorrow, and as I look in the mirror, I take in how horrible I look. My eyes have huge bags under them because sleeping has now become impossible. The dreams are back on a nightly basis, but the worst part is that some of them have Drew in them and it’s like a knife to my heart.

  I’ve lost at least ten pounds because I’ve had absolutely no appetite. I need to at least make an effort to look presentable tomorrow so I decide to take a shower. For the first time since leaving Drew, I try to be happy. I know I’m not doing the best job at it but it’s a huge step from what I’ve been doing. Nicole caught me last night and went nuts on me. I have been Googling his name and then reading every article and examining every new picture. I’m slowly driving myself insane, but I need to see him, even if it’s only on a computer screen.

  As I lie in bed staring at the ceiling, I vow to try to start living again, even knowing that I will be doing it alone.

  I’m in a hallway that is all white with doors lining both sides. None of them stand out, but I know that one of them is the exit. The first door I open is just an empty room. So is the second, third, and fourth. I’m getting really tired of all these damn doors.

  The next one I open is set up like Drew’s dressing room. He and Leslie are on the couch having sex. My hand shoots up to my mouth as I shake my head no. Drew’s eyes meet mine and he smiles. “You just gonna stand there or you want to join us?”

  I slam the door closed as tears sting my eyes.

  I apprehensively move to the next door. When I open it, there’s nothing there. I breathe a sigh of relief until someone pushes me from behind and I go flying into it. I turn around to see Chris.

  My eyes frantically scan the room—no weapons, no windows, and no way out. I want to curl up in a ball and cry in the corner. I want to just let him get me and have this all end. I want…I want this to be over. How can it ever be over, though, when I give him control over me?

  I stand up straighter and look him in the eye. As he takes a step toward me, I don’t flinch and I don’t run. I can’t run from him anymore. If I’m ever going to be okay, I can’t run.

  “I’m not scared of you anymore.”

  He laughs a maniacal laugh before lunging at me. I quickly move out of his way and he goes crashing into the wall.

  “I am not going to run from you anymore.”

  His face contorts and he screams as he charges at me once more. I easily dodge him and make my way over to the door, turning to him as I open it. “I’m done with you.” I close the door, hoping that I conquered my fear and that maybe this means I conquered him.

  When I wake up in the morning, I remember my entire dream. The thing that surprises me is that I didn’t wake up screaming or in a panic.

  My door opens and Christen walks in. “You ready to go get pretty, girl?”

  I pull the covers over my head and groan. I’m dreading today so much. Granted, I love my brother and Madison, but this is not good for me. The last thing I want right now is to be around all of these couples in love because all it does is make me miss him. Then I hate myself for it because I know I shouldn’t.

  Everyone keeps asking me why I care so much. We only knew each other for a few days, but then his mom’s advice keeps ringing in my head. Fuck time. I loved him and he screwed me over. It doesn’t matter if we were a day, a month, or a year into the relationship. I miss him so much that it’s like I can’t fucking breathe sometimes. I need him more than I could have ever imagined needing anybody.

  He showed me, though, that when push came to shove he would run. He would run to the first pair of fucking legs that opened for him, and he didn’t give a shit what it did to me. I hate Drew Walker.

  I look into the mirror and am amazed that they were able to make me look normal and put together because on the inside I’m everything but that. My hair hangs in long curls framing my face. The dress Madison picked out is a lavender strapless dress that stops just above the floor. She gave us all simple stud earrings and necklaces, and my heels are silver and already starting to hurt my feet.

  We are instructed to line up and I can tell she’s nervous. I’m the first to walk down the aisle, and as I do, tears come to my eyes. I see my brother’s face and I can tell that is what love looks like. As I am listening to the ceremony and the vows, all I can wonder is if this will ever be me. Will someone ever love me enough to marry me? My hopes aren’t very high, though, because even if they did love me, I couldn’t tolerate them touching me. No man, no matter how amazing he is, will marry you if he can’t touch you.

  I think of Drew and how much hope I had for us.

  “You may now kiss the bride.”

  I look over to see Carter and Mads and it makes me smile. They kiss and then gleefully turn to their family and friends with their joined hands in the air as the priest says, “I now introduce Mr. and Mrs. James.”

  Ev
eryone is cheering and clapping as we make our way down the aisle and get ready for pictures. We stand and smile and pose for what feels like forever. By the end of the shoot, my heels are covered in dirt from sinking into the ground and my hair looks like a hot mess. When the photographer finally utters the heavenly words ‘we’re done’ we all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

  The reception is beautiful and the food is amazing. The only horrible part of the whole thing is watching everyone here. The slow dances are the worst. The fact that everyone I love has someone but me hits me hard. I get up, needing to get some air, but a song starts that sounds like it’s live and not from the speakers, and I hear everyone around me gasp.

  I turn toward the piano that’s playing and that’s when I see him. Drew. Fucking. Walker. I have half a mind to go up to him and hit him again, but I just recently got my hand back so I decide not to do that. The boys have all just now noticed his presence and they all move toward him. However, they are no match for the girls on their arms restraining them.

  What the hell is he doing here? I mean, I invited him, but that was when we were together. Before he broke my heart. The piano continues to play and Drew never breaks eye contact with me. He’s dressed in a suit, a lot like the one he wore to the Grammy’s, and the sight of him is still enough to make me weak in the knees. Drew starts to walk toward me until he’s standing right in front of me. When he brings the microphone to his mouth, I gasp.

  Once in a lifetime

  You find what you’re looking for

  But what happens when you’re once in a lifetime

  Walks out the door?

  You can’t bring her back

  She’s gone because of you

  You can’t live without her

  And you don’t know what to do

  The only thing that’s left

  Is a shell of the person you used to be

  You don’t know yourself anymore

  You have to find her just to see

  If there’s still a chance

  If she’ll take you back

  If she’ll save you from yourself

  If she can forgive you for the things you lack

  She’s the one who made you see

  The one who changed the game

  The one who showed you how to love

  And now you’ll never be the same

  Because you can’t get her out of your head

  The night she left still haunts you

  And you need to make it right

  But you don’t know what you do

  So you vow to yourself that things will change

  You want to give her something new

  Something she never thought she’d have

  Maybe that’s what she needs from you

  So you vow to give her yourself

  And you finally know what to do.

  You need to tell her to her face

  I’m sorry and I love you

  Tears are streaming down my face by the time Drew gets to the last line in his song. I can’t believe he is here saying these things to me. What do I do? Can I forgive him?

  He throws the microphone on a nearby table and places his hands on the sides of my face. “I have missed you so fucking much, James. Until you left, I had no idea how much I needed you. I know you may not believe me, but nothing happened that night. I just wanted you to think it did. I wanted to drive you away because I couldn’t deal with the shit in my own head. I knew the next day, though, how much of a mistake I had made. You’re it for me, you’re my fucking forever. Even if I’m not yours anymore.”

  He’s waiting for me to respond but it’s like my mouth isn’t working. My head is so damn scrambled with everything. He never touched her? Can I believe him?

  His eyes seem defeated, and after I fail to say anything to him, he drops his hands and walks away from me. I turn, watching him for a minute, trying to figure out what to do. Will I be okay knowing I let him walk away? What will it be like not having him with me when I know he could be? My head is killing me from the decision looming over me. That’s when Carter comes up beside me.

  I hold my hand up. “Please don’t, the last thing I want is a lecture right now.”

  “Go after him.” I whip my head in his direction. Overprotective brother say what? “I saw the way he looked at you, Holls. It’s the same way I look at Mads every day. Go after him.” I throw my arms around Carter, giving him a hug and working through the pain because I need it.

  I run out of the reception hall, looking around frantically for Drew. I see him exit the front doors and I run to catch up to him. Once I burst through the doors, I yell to him. “Drew! Stop!”

  He stops and turns my way, the look in his eyes seems to say he’s hoping that I came back to tell him I love him, too. Then I see it coming, but it’s too late. I scream but he can’t move in time. As the car crashes into him, Drew’s body flies onto the hood, rolling off once the car hits its brakes and stops.

  “No!” I’m running but I feel like I can’t get there fast enough. I fall onto the ground beside him and stare into his eyes. “Someone call 911!” I scream and everyone comes running out of the hall. They all respect my space, though, everyone but Shawn who is pre-med. He runs to Drew’s side and start to feel for his vitals.

  “Shit, his pulse is weak. Try to talk to him, Holls, keep him up.”

  I squeeze Drew’s hand. “Drew, open your eyes! Look at me, dammit!” His eyes weakly flutter open and his mouth forms into a smile that seems like it hurts.

  “You came…back.”

  I smile at him as tears roll down my eyes. “I love you. I love you so much.”

  He coughs and blood splatters my dress. “You don’t know…” He coughs again, barely able to finish his sentence, “…how much I wanted to hear that.”

  He starts to close his eyes again. “No! Drew, you need to stay awake! You need to look at me!” His eyes close just as the ambulance is pulling up. “Drew! Drew! No, come back!”

  Shawn’s arms wrap around my waist and pull me backward. “Let them work, Holls! You need to let them do their job.” I throw his hands off of me and run back toward them.

  Nicole grabs my hand. “Listen, Holls, you need to let them work. You want to be near him, that’s fine, but you can’t interfere.”

  I wrap my arms around myself and pace back and forth as they work on Drew. I can’t hear their conversation, but even if I could it’s not like I would understand any of that medical crap anyway. I just need to hear them say that he will be okay. I need to know that I didn’t miss my chance. I need him.

  When the EMTs take a sheet and cover his body with it, I let out an animalistic scream. This can’t be real. I just got him back! He just told me that he loved me! I just…

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Holly.” Carter is shaking my shoulders and I look up at him. I’m breathing hard, but when I look around I’m back inside the hall. “You okay?” I have tears in my eyes but I nod my head. I look down at my dress and it’s clean, no blood. Oh my god. It wasn’t real. He is still here.

  I run out of the room as fast as I can. As soon as I get outside, I see him getting into his black SUV at the curb. “Drew!”

  He stops as he is halfway into the car. When he turns my way he smiles and I run to him, jumping into his arms as soon as I reach him.

  “I love you. I fucking love you so much.” Before he can respond, I crash my mouth to his, soaking him up and taking everything I can from him. This is what’s been missing. This is what I need.

  Drew. Fucking. Walker.

  The End.

  Epilogue

  Drew

  I’m so drunk right now I can barely see the girl in front of me. I laugh at her as she starts to cry. “If you’re gonna stay¸ you gotta stop the crying.” I swipe the lone tear that falls from her eye, knowing it will taste just as sweet as she does. “It is really bringing down my mood, and I wanna have some fun.”

  That’s when she hits me. For a gir
l her size, I’m impressed with the punch she lands. I don’t even have the chance to offer up a snarky comment as she runs out of the room. Leslie saunters over to me trying too hard to look sexy.

  “I’m ready to have some fun, baby.”

  I take her hand and walk her to the door. “Feel free to have all the fun you want, just clean up whatever mess you make.”

  I shut the door in her shocked slutty face. I need to clear my head. I go to my car and give Marco the address of the only place that I can imagine being right now.

  * * *

  “Andrew Matthew Walker!” Shit. She’s loud in the morning. I open one eye to glance at the woman standing above me—the woman who gave birth to me and is supposed to love me no matter what. She is also the woman who looks like she wants to kill me right now. “What happened last night?”

  “Um…I don’t know. Why?”

  “What did you do to that poor girl?”

  “What are you talking about, Mom?”

  “I’m talking about how you showed up here drunker than I have ever thought is humanly possible. When I asked you about Holly you said, and I quote, ‘wham bam thank you ma’am’, and then passed out on the couch.”

  I chuckle; I always thought I was an entertaining drunk. Suddenly, pain explodes in the side of my head. “What the hell, Mom?! You hit me!”

  She smacks me again. “Don’t you use that language in this house. Now, you will tell me everything right now.”

  I take a deep breath and then launch into the story of yesterday. Seeing my mom cringe and tear up sucks, and I know they’re her reactions to the way I acted. Having to tell someone what you did wrong is so much worse than just thinking about it in your own head. When I finish my story, my mother stand up, shakes her head at me, and starts to walk out of the door.