Weak For You

by Shanade White

  When he woke up on Thursday morning, Alex found himself alone in bed. He looked at the empty spot next to him and climbed off the bed. He pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms before he made his way to the living room where he found Emily sitting on the floor in one of his shirts reading his old letters. He leaned against the doorpost as he watched her but in his mind, he was just thinking of the way he had been with her the previous night. She had gone from being bondage shy to the bondage queen. He loved that she had complete trust in him: letting a person tie you up and restrain you just so they could have their way with you was not easy. But Emily had proven to him that she had complete trust in him.

  *****

  Emily looked at the box and pulled out a bundle of letters. This was the third time she was looking at the old letters from Alex and every time she did, it always felt like she was looking at the box for the very first time. She pulled out one of the letter. The date showed that it was from a couple of years after their parents divorced. She made herself comfortable and opened it before she began reading.

  Dear Emily,

  I’m not very sure these letters ever get delivered but if there is anything I learned from The Color Purple it is that I should keep on writing and maybe one day you will get to read all these letters. I miss you and every time I see a Twix bar in the store I think of you. I know it’s been a long time and that you probably look different now. I mean, it has been two whole years, right?

  If you ever get to read this, I would really like it if you came out to visit. I think you would really like it down here but I have been hearing talk of moving to Albuquerque and apparently people there get just a few hours of sun. I think that would be fun.

  Emily took another letter from the pile and immediately noticed that it was a lot heavier than the rest. She opened it and gasped when five ten dollar bills fell out. She looked at the date and noticed that it was from Christmas a few years later.

  Dear Emily,

  Merry Christmas! I have been saving up to get you the perfect gift but since you are all the way there, I thought I would just send you the money. Maybe you can get yourself something nice and remember me by…

  “Are you still reading those letters?” she heard Alex say when he walked into the room. She looked up at him and shrugged.

  “Yeah…you sent me fifty dollars for Christmas?” she asked surprised. “It must have taken you ages to save this up,” she added. Alex took a seat next to her on the floor and nodded.

  “Yeah, it did,” he said as he looked at Emily. “I guess I just really needed to be sure that my sister was happy.”

  “Thanks Alex,” she said in a low voice.

  “Don’t mention it. You know I would do anything for you,” he said. She looked at the letter in her hands and then the rest of the letters in the box.

  “Do you want some coffee?” she asked as she put the letter she was holding back in the box. “Or a full on proper breakfast? It’s not like any of us are in a hurry,” she added.

  “Sure,” he said in a low voice.

  She got up and walked to the kitchen. She got the coffee pot and got started with the coffee. He watched her as she walked to the fridge and got a milk carton and some eggs.

  “Got any bread?” she asked. Alex got up and walked to one of the cabinets where he got a loaf of bread. “Are you okay with French toast?” she asked and he nodded. She was feeling a little uneasy as he watched her cooking. “You know it’s rude to stare, right?”

  “I’m not staring…I’m just looking at you cooking. Now that isn’t too bad, is it?” he asked.

  She shook her head and turned around to pour two cups of coffee. She handed him one cup and then sipped from her own cup as she went on cooking.

  “Can I ask you something?” she asked as she put the last two slices on the pan. He looked at her and took a long sip of his coffee.

  “Yeah, sure,” he said in a soft voice.

  “When did you start….when did everything just…” she was having it hard to get the right words out. She looked at him and shrugged. “I don’t know how to ask this without sounding offensive,” she said.

  “You want to know how I started out with the whole bondage thing?” he asked.

  She nodded.

  “It’s just hard to understand how everything slowly transformed into…all this. I mean, did someone introduce this to you or something?” Emily asked as she got the last two slices out of the pan. She took two plates from one of the overhead cabinets and put a couple of slices on each before she walked to the pantry and got a bottle of caramel sauce. Alex looked at her as she took a banana from the fruit basket.

  “When I was eighteen I met someone. She was…amazing,” he started as she cut up the banana. “At first I really didn’t think it would work out because by then we were already in Albuquerque and she was in Chicago But everything changed for the better when I got accepted into Northwestern.” She was now putting the banana pieces on the toast. He watched her as she poured the caramel sauce over the banana. She put one plate on the counter in front of him before she walked round to take a seat next to him. She looked at him and shrugged.

  “Bon apetit,” she said as she took a long sip of her coffee.

  “Thanks, this looks great,” Alex said in a low voice. Emily nodded and took a bite of her French toast.

  “So what happened with you and Miss Chicago?” she asked.

  “Well, everything was great. We were together for just a couple of months and then she died,” he said. Emily gave him a sorry look. “Car accident,” he said in a low voice.

  “I’m so sorry,” she said. “Is that when it all started?”

  “A little later. I didn’t know how to deal with the pain of losing her…it was all too much for me. It was like I was losing everyone I ever loved. First you and then her…I needed to find some kind of way to deal with the pain and at that time I met Annalise Montes. She was a little older than me but I didn’t really care. She was all I wanted…all I needed because she showed me things….she asked me to do things to her and I let her do things to me too. I thought it was all okay since it was my own way of dealing with everything but as it turned out she had ruined me for every other woman I would ever meet.” He took a bite of his food and looked at her.

  “Why would you say that?” she asked.

  “Well, when I am with a woman I always want so much more than what they give and let’s face it. Not so many women are willing to be fucked and bound and the few that are want a long term thing,” he took another bite. “And honestly I am not a long term relationship person,” he concluded and she felt her spirits dampen.

  “So this…this is a short term thing?” she asked in a soft voice. He turned to look at her.

  “What do you want it to be?” he asked.

  “Honestly, I really don’t want to stick around if all I am is a placeholder for someone else,” she said in a low voice. Alex reached for her hand.

  “All the others could be placeholders…for you,” he said as he looked into her eyes. She looked at him as he took another bite. He looked at her and then leaned forward to kiss her. “You are perfect Emily and there is no way I could ever just see you as a placeholder,” he said in a low voice. She looked at him and shrugged. Suddenly all the trust she had built up was down the drain. She just wasn’t sure about everything anymore. She got up from the counter and walked out of the kitchen. “Emily,” Alex said as he followed her out to the balcony.

  “I really don’t want to talk about this anymore,” she said without turning around. He looked at her and walked around to stand in front of her. Tears had welled up in her eyes. He looked at her and immediately felt his heart going out to her.

  “Baby,” he started as he held her waist. She looked down at the floor and he used his thumb to raise her head. “Baby, look at me,” he said when he lifted her head. She had her eyes closed.

  “Alex, I just need a minute,” she said as she shook her head.

  “Wh
at is it? What’s going on?” he asked as he looked at her. “Are you upset? Did I upset you?”

  “I’m reacting Alex. I think I am allowed that much,” she said. Alex looked at her and pushed a strand of hair behind her hair.

  “Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything,” he thought as he looked at her. He pulled her to himself and lowered his head to kiss her but clearly she was not done reacting yet. She turned her head and at that moment, he saw another tear rolling down her cheek. “Maybe this hit her harder than I thought it would,” he thought as he looked at her.

  “Emily,” he started but he suddenly had to stop because she had pulled away from him and was quickly making her way to the bedroom. He tried catching up with her but she was walking a little too fast for him. He got to the bedroom and stood at the door watching her. “Emily, what are you doing?” Alex asked but she didn’t want to answer him. She wasn’t even looking at him.

  She didn’t want to be there any longer. All she could think of was getting out of his penthouse. She changed into her own clothes as fast as she could before she made her way to the front door. “Emily, where are you going?” he asked as he walked up to the elevator with her. She brushed off a tear and turned to look at him.

  “Home,” she said in a whisper.

  “Why? We are not even done with breakfast,” Alex said. He moved closer to her and held her tightly. “Stay baby. Please.” His voice was as gentle as ever. It was almost hard to believe that he was the same person who had been commanding her around the night before.

  “I need to go, Alex,” she said in a soft voice.

  “I can’t just let you go,” he said. He wasn’t sure she could see the pain in his eyes but the truth was his heart was breaking. The elevator doors opened in front of them and Emily walked in. “Emily, please don’t do this,” Alex said as the elevator doors closed but she never said anything.

  “This was a bad idea,” Alex thought. “She is the one woman who means the world to me and I just let her go.”

  He ran his fingers through his hair as he began making his way to the kitchen. He felt like a complete wreck as he sat at the kitchen counter. He looked at the half eaten breakfast and even though he had been hungry before, he no longer wanted to eat. He walked out of the kitchen and walked to the balcony. He couldn’t help but feel stupid. He shouldn’t have told Emily that he had such strong feelings for another woman. Not so soon after he had found her anyway. He felt responsible for her pain, for her leaving him the way she did.

  As he stood there, he found himself wondering how he was going to make everything better with Emily. He had never had to think of anything like this before because he had only ever felt this way for one other woman. And back then, he never had to do anything because he had never been in this position before. He walked back into the living room and sat down.

  As he thought of Emily, he found himself thinking that he should have dated more before he met Janie in Northwestern. Because after Janie, all he knew was bondage and crazy sex. He had never known what making love meant or what being in love felt like. All he knew was pain and extreme pleasure because he believed that there was a very fine line between the two. But he knew things were different with Emily. He knew what he felt for her and it was not all about pleasure and pain.

  *****

  When she got to her place, all Emily wanted to do was to take a long luxurious soak. She needed to get everything Alex had said out of her mind one way or the other. She went straight to her room and started the bath before she stripped down. She was standing in front of the mirror as she held her hair up. She was about to walk into the bathroom when she suddenly grabbed a towel and tied it around her body. She made her way to the living room and grabbed her laptop. She took a long deep breath and launched the browser. She was feeling nervous as she typed Alex’s name into the browser.

  “Not a placeholder, huh?” she said in a low voice as she looked at the hundreds of pictures Alex. He was with other women and most of them were celebrities. Musicians, models, dancers…Emily suddenly felt inadequate. She was nothing compared to these women. “How could these women have been a placeholder for me?” she wondered as she looked at the pictures. “Is that Marisol Phillips?” she wondered as she clicked on a page. There was a whole story about the two. Emily leaned against the couch as she began reading.

  Billionaire playboy Alexander ‘Alex’ Brewer was also in attendance and he brought supermodel Marisol Phillips. The two have been quiet about their relationship but judging from the posts from the tabloids, maybe the two have more to hide than to tell. Just last week, the two were seen frolicking in the Maldives and this is the fourth event in a row that they have attended together. Maybe there is more to the story between those two than they are letting up.

  She scrolled down and saw more pictures of Marisol and Alex.

  “Oh my God, these women…” she started as she looked at more pictures of Alex cozying up to more women. She shook her head and slammed the laptop shut. She then got up and walked back to the bathroom. She pulled her towel off and stepped under the running water. She couldn’t help the tears from rolling down her cheeks. She hated herself for falling for him. It had all been a big mistake. His words were still fresh in her mind.

  They were all placeholders for you.

  But that is not what she felt. She smoothed down her wet hair and looked and turned her face upwards so that the water was falling right on her face. She didn’t know why but she just couldn’t help but cry as she stood there. She didn’t know how long it had been before she finally decided to get out.

  When she got out of the shower, she carefully walked to the tub and turned off the water. She dipped her fingers in to test the water and then poured in her favorite oils before she got in. She was still thinking of the last two days…how she had spent them with Alex and for a minute, she hated herself. She hated how she had allowed herself to get so entangled in his emotional web so fast.

  She was still in the tub when she heard the phone ringing loudly. She groaned and looked up at the ceiling. She knew that it had to be Alex.

  “Maybe if I ignore it, he’ll stop calling,” she thought as she closed her eyes but her phone just kept on ringing. She climbed out of the tub and put on a bathrobe before she made her way to the living room. She got her phone from her handbag and looked at the screen.

  “April? Is everything okay?” she asked when she picked up. Emily knew that for her cousin to call continuously the way she had been doing, that something had to be terribly wrong.

  “Emily...thank God. I thought you weren’t going to pick up,” April said. Emily could tell that she was crying.

  “April, what’s going on?” Emily asked, worried.

  “It’s Jake…what blood type are you?” April sounded on edge.

  “Um…I’m O-neg. Why? Who needs blood? What’s going on?” Emily asked as she sat down.

  “Jake had an accident and he is a really rare blood type and there aren’t enough pints of blood here and…” Emily wished she could be there for April just to give her a hug.

  “Okay, sweetie. Tell me where you are,” Emily said.

  “Baltimore,” April said and Emily sighed. That was a whole six hours away and that was when she drove really fast. Driving normal time would take her at least nine hours. It could be too late for Jake by the time she got there.

  “Okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can, alright?” she asked.

  “Yeah,” April said before she hung up.

  Emily made a call to Cadence as she walked to the bedroom.

  “Cadence, I need to be on the next flight to Baltimore. Can you make that happen?” she asked.

  “How are you Cadence? I’m fine Carter….how is everything?” Cadence said feigning seriousness.

  Emily rolled her eyes.

  “Cadence, I’m sorry but I don’t have time for pleasantries right now,” Emily said as she put the phone on speaker. She put on a pair of panties and then pulled on a pair of jean
s.

  “Relax, I’m working as fast as I can,” Cadence said. Emily put on a bra as she wondered what she was supposed to carry for her impromptu trip. “The earliest flight is at three…” Emily almost shrieked.

  “Three? That’s six hours away! He might be dead!” she cried out.

  “Wait, who’ll be dead?” Cadence asked but Emily didn’t have time to answer her. She had already hung up. She knew the only choice she had and she hated it but she had no choice. She dialed Alex and sat at the edge of the bed.

  “Emily, thank God…” he started but she cut him off.

  “This call is not about me and you, Alex. I need your help. I need to get to Baltimore right now,” she said.

  “Why? What’s going on?” he asked.

  “April called. Jake had some sort of accident,” she said. “He needs blood and…I need to get to Baltimore. Can you help me or not?” she asked.

  “I can get the chopper fired up and ready in half an hour. You can meet me at my office building. Is that okay?” he asked.

  “Yeah, sure,” she said. “I’ll meet you there in a few minutes. Thanks.”

  “Emily wait,” Alex said before she could hang up. “Are you okay?”

  Emily shook her head. She wasn’t okay. Nothing about this whole day was okay.

  “I’m fine,” she said before she hung up. She was breathing hard and deep before she packed up a bag.

  Chapter 6

  When she woke up that morning, Emily had a totally different picture of how that day was going to end and so far, nothing was working out the way it was supposed to. Everything was wrong about that day. For God’s sake she was supposed to be on vacation not pissed off at the controlling man she had feelings for.