Dark Illusion

by Daniels, A. J.

  Me: I’ll be there.

  ***

  I pull up to Braxton’s house in my shiny, new Jaguar sports car. I collect cars like some women collect expensive shoes and purses, and this baby was my newest purchase this week. I glide the car in beside Mason’s Audi and slide it into park before stepping out and rebuttoning my suit jacket. All conversation ceases when I walk up to the group of three men standing outside the front door to the mansion.

  “Is that the flavor of the week?” Stefan snickers, gesturing toward my new baby.

  “Shh. Don’t talk about her like that.” I whack him upside the head with a grin planted firmly on my face.

  Braxton doesn’t bat an eye, continuing right on with the conversation I walked in on. “Is there any way this new detective will be able to find Belan’s body?”

  Alessandro grunts, crossing his arms over his chest in what is supposed to be an intimidating move and to a lesser man it might be, but we’ve known him too long for that move to affect the men involved in this conversation.

  “He won’t be found, Boss.”

  Stefan nods in agreement with Alessandro.

  “He better not. I like you, Alessandro. You’re like a brother to me but I won’t hesitate to put you down if this comes back to bite us in the ass, yeah?”

  Alessandro growls, arms dropping to his sides. A dark look crosses his face. I know that look, it’s the look of a man who is about to do something stupid and get himself killed. I step between him and Braxton, my back to Alessandro, at the same time Stefan does the same with his back to Braxton.

  “This isn’t the time nor the place to do this, Brother. Klara is already stressed out enough with the new pregnancy.”

  Braxton stills and it’s not until I replay what I just said do I realize my mistake. Ah, shit.

  “Klara’s pregnant again?” Alessandro asks.

  I blow out a harsh breath, stepping away from my best friend who looks about a second away from laying me flat on the front walkway outside his house, and run a hand through my hair.

  “Five weeks. She wanted to tell everyone at dinner tonight,” he says to the other guys while shooting me a thank you, you idiot look. At least he and Alessandro aren’t going head to head right now in front of the neighbors.

  “C’mon, I’m starving. Let’s go eat.” I slap a friendly hand on Alessandro’s big shoulder, and push past the other guys on my way to the house, bracing myself for the attack in 3…2…

  Humph.

  “Hey munchkin,” I swing Lily up and onto my hip, tickling her sides as she buries her face in my neck and giggles.

  “What, no love for your favorite uncle?” Alessandro fake whines from behind me, causing her to giggle harder.

  “Pretty sure that’s me, Alex.” I grin at him over her head.

  “Lily Bear, who’s your favorite uncle?” Alessandro playfully pouts, reaching out a hand to her with a foil wrapper.

  “Alessandro stop bribing my daughter with chocolate,” Klara tsks, closing the sliding door behind her.

  Guiltily, he withdraws his hand, but not before Lily has a chance to snatch the chocolate from his palm. I swear, when it comes to chocolate or candy of any kind, this kid is like a ninja. She definitely takes after her mother, but don’t tell Klara that.

  “Antonio, is that a new car I saw out there?” Klara asks, stealing Lily from my arms. I have to actively try not to join Alessandro in his pouting. You would think I was the child here with the separation anxiety I feel every time she takes Lily away from me. But I pull it together, I’m the grown up for fuck’s sake. A three-year-old should not have this much power over me.

  I walk over to the window overlooking the front yard and driveway. My baby is still there in all her shinning blue glory. And it definitely isn’t the same shade of blue as Kai’s eyes. It’s not. I wonder if I say that enough times, will it make it true? “Just picked her up the other day.”

  “Are you trying to give your poor accountant a heart attack? Antonio, if you keep buying these expensive cars there’s going to be nothing left for a rainy day…or,” she pauses, smoothing down one of Lily’s pigtails, “or for you to spoil that special someone.”

  “There isn’t anyone to spoil, Klara. Never will be,” I say, pushing thoughts of Kai away.

  “What about Siobhan? She seemed… nice.” Klara grimaces at that word being used to describe the dark-haired woman I had been occupying myself with before meeting Kai.

  I swallow hard, fighting against the urge to tell her, to tell someone about him. About how he makes me want to leave all this behind and start fresh. How he makes me want to be a better man whenever I’m around him. If anyone could help me navigate the landmine that is Braxton De Luca with this subject matter, it would be Klara. She has this innate way of calming him down, of calming us all down while still putting us all in our place.

  I cut a glance at her out of the corner of my eye. Her white-blonde hair is pinned in a neat bun atop her head even with her daughter playing with the pins that are holding it there. Her skin is glowing despite spending most days holed up in the bathroom because of this new pregnancy. The knowledge that out of anyone she could have turned to for help while Braxton was away on business, she chose to turn to me, tugs at the protectiveness inside me. It’s immediately followed by guilt. We’ve gotten close over the last two weeks with me stopping by almost every day with ginger ale and crackers for her to munch on between bouts of morning sickness, and offering to look after Lily while Klara snuck away for a quick nap. I know it’ll hurt her to find out that I’ve been keeping a big part of myself from her. But I can’t risk her finding out for fear that, by proxy, Braxton will ultimately find out soon after. I’m not naïve enough to think that Braxton can’t coax something out of his wife when he needs to. They were regulars at the club after all.

  I have just grabbed a cold beer from the fridge and parked my ass on a patio chair between Braxton and Stefan, overlooking the pool, when my phone pings with a new message.

  Siobhan: I need you

  My fingers hover over the keyboard for what feels like hours but are only seconds before I realize that both Braxton and Stefan are reading the message, waiting to see what my next move will be. I feel sick typing out my reply. It somehow feels like I’m cheating on Kai even though we hadn’t decided to extend our relationship beyond those two weeks on Caye Caulker. In order to keep my secret a… well, secret, I need to play along and continue the illusion.

  Me: How badly do you need me?

  Siobhan: I’m already so wet for you.

  Siobhan: Are you hard for me?

  I’m typing out the messages with one hand while discreetly covering the front of my pants with the other holding my beer. If anyone were to really look they’d realize I’m not hard. Sexting and random hookups with Siobhan used to be enough to sate my needs, but after meeting Kai and having my eyes opened to what it is supposed to be like with someone you have a connection with, I no longer feel the need to use Siobhan. Nevertheless, I still need to go along with this until either the longing to be with Kai goes away and I am able to suppress my real wants and needs again, or I man up and tell Braxton the truth.

  Me: I’m always hard for you, Angel.

  Siobhan: Stroke yourself but don’t come yet.

  Siobhan: When you come, I want you to come on my breasts.

  Siobhan: My house. Ten minutes.

  Stefan groans beside me, sporting a noticeable bulge in his shorts. “Please tell me you’re going to go hit that.”

  I briefly consider not using her as an excuse to bail on family dinner. I shouldn’t want to track down Kai. Shouldn’t want to convince him to give us a chance here. Shouldn’t think that we fit perfectly together. It would be another lie I’d have to tell my best friend. The question though, is it worth it?

  I quickly drain my beer, placing it on the table in front of us. “See you guys later.”

  Stefan curses when I step over his feet and go say my goodbyes to Klara,
Lily, and Jess sitting by the pool. I almost don’t make it out to my car when Lily’s bottom lip starts wobbling and her eyes begin tearing up, but with a promise of a play date with Unkie Tonio her smile is back in full force and she goes back to splashing Jess in the pool.

  Once I’m safely back behind the wheel of the Jag, I fire off a message for her to meet me at the club.

  ***

  The club is already busy by the time I step through the doors and pass security with a simple nod of the head.

  Club Nineveh, where your darkest fantasies become reality.

  What started out as a fun business project for Braxton, Alessandro, Stefan, and I turned into one of the best known BDSM clubs in the city. Hell, maybe even the province. It was also one of the few clean businesses we all had a hand in, and we are determined to keep it that way.

  “Drink, Sir?” One of the waitresses asks, holding out a tray with my signature drink already sitting atop it. It’s really just a bourbon neat. Nothing fancy. Not like the shit Stefan drinks.

  I take it from her without a word and go back to perusing the members and newcomers in attendance tonight. I’m coiled tight like a snake about to strike and if I don’t find a release soon, I fear the unlucky bastard to feel my venom may not make it till morning. The looming threat of violence and blood always called to me like a beacon in the dark of night before. Before Kai. But ever since meeting him, it’s like I have this innate need to wash my hands of that side of the business. So, it’s only fitting that I seek to replace one dark, depraved addiction with another. Even despite the voice in my head telling me this is a bad idea and a sure-fire way to push Kai even farther away.

  Fuck him.

  If he cares about me half as much as he says he does, he wouldn’t have left me. He should’ve been right here by my side tonight. Maybe it would have been him I chose to take out my aggression on tonight in this club. I would’ve dragged him into one of the closed off rooms in the back. The ones without a security camera.

  Maybe I would’ve strapped him to the St. Andrew’s cross, brought him to the brink with a vibrating butt plug only to switch it off and turn it back on when the high had faded. Maybe I would’ve flogged him until angry red marks appeared on his back and the rounds of his ass. My marks.

  Orgasm denial is one of my favorite techniques for blowing off steam. Call me sick, I don’t care. I crave hearing them beg, watching their tears stream down their faces in their desperate need to come. And then only when I am ready, only when I gave them permission, do they finally find release.

  I’m already hard just picturing Kai bound and gagged to the cross, bearing my mark on his skin, butt plug in his hole sending vibrations directly to his prostate while I deny him the release he so frantically craves.

  I groan, close my eyes, and press a palm to the raging erection behind the zipper of my jeans. When I open them again, I’m looking directly into the heated gaze of the person who will do nicely in making me forget I ever heard the name Kai Black.

  “Siobhan,” I say in way of greeting when she makes her way over to me from across the room.

  “Antonio,” her voice is low, seductive as she rakes a long, fake fingernail down my chest.

  I grip her wrist halting any movement toward my belt and lead us to one of the back rooms.

  “Strip,” I demand as soon as the door clicks shut.

  “Nu uh, baby boy.” She shoves me back until the back of my legs hit the couch. “Tonight, I’m in charge.” Straddling my lap, she raises both my hands until they’re resting behind my head before she secures them with a silk rope, she must have hidden behind the couch earlier. “Let go, Antonio.” Her soft lips brush against the shell of my ear, “And just feel.”

  The fact that she called me baby boy rubs me the wrong way, but I need this too much to give a damn. She can call me whatever the fuck she wants as long as she grants me the release I need. But even still, the way she’s grinding down on me, her soft body pressed against mine, her delicate fingers fisting my hair. It all feels wrong. It’s not the hard body or rough, calloused hands I’ve come to crave. It’s not what I need.

  I shut my eyes and will my mind to take a back seat for once. Kai walked away. I shouldn’t feel guilty about using another’s body to satisfy my needs. But it’s like my own mind knows that this isn’t what we want because the hard-on I walked into this room with deflates the second Siobhan puts her hands on me.

  “Stop.”

  “Shh, Baby. Just relax. I’ll take care of you,” she moans in my ear. The last button on my shirt pops open and the fabric falls away, revealing more of my skin for her to touch.

  I manage to get my hands untied, Siobhan always did suck at tying knots, and grip her hips, lifting her off my lap, and placing her on the empty space beside me before jumping up.

  “The fuck, Toni?”

  I freeze in my haste to button my shirt back, and spin on her. “Don’t fucking call me that.”

  “What the fuck’s your problem? Don’t you want me?”

  There was a time not too long where I would’ve done anything for this woman. When she said jump, I asked how high. I was her pet, her sex toy. Coincidentally it was also around the time I had to fight harder to hide who I really was. The more I fought myself, the more I was pulled into her clutches.

  Looking at her now, legs dropping open for me to see what could be mine if I would just reach out and take it. Dark eyes full of lust and need. Maybe I could have loved her. Maybe I could have given her everything she wanted, be the man she lays her head down next to at night. But I’d be lying to her just as much as I am to myself. I realize that Siobhan and I can never just be friends. I could never return her feelings of love, and I fear that she could never look at me and see just a friend.

  “Goodbye Siobhan,” I say, closing the door behind me and making my way back down the darkened corridor. Ignoring the concerned looks being thrown my way. I should be glad that the look on my face must be downright menacing if people are automatically taking two steps back when they see me coming, giving me a wide-open path to the door, but I’m not… glad. The act of shoving my way through a crowd was the little reprieve I needed and without it, the thirst for violence is simmering too close to the surface.

  My body is vibrating by the time I reach my car and slam it into gear. There’s only one thing, other than stepping into a boxing ring that will cure whatever it is I’m feeling, and I don’t give a fuck about the consequences.

  Antonio

  KAI WASN’T AT his house last night when I went by, that’s why I’m currently pacing the confines of my office like a caged lion. I need to see him. Need him to tell me in plain English that there is no way in hell this thing with us could ever work. Groaning, I fall back into my office chair, head in my hands and elbows resting on the desk. I’m giving myself a migraine with all this back and forth shit.

  Do I want him to be mine? Fucking right I do. In a perfect world, he would be. In a world where I wasn’t part of the mafia, he would be.

  Do I think the Famiglia won’t change their ideals to match the twenty-first century? No, I don’t. As a Famiglia… as a family… we can’t show any weakness. Having a weakness means getting killed. Is being gay a weakness? To the outside world? No, it’s not and it shouldn’t be. But in this life; where every battle is one of life and death? It can be seen that way. Is it right? Fuck no. But it’s life. It’s my life. It’s the only one I’ve known.

  My ears strain as I pick up on voices just outside my office door. Cursing myself that I didn’t opt for the one-way glass when Braxton had the offices redone.

  “A bunch of us are heading to a nearby pub after work if you’re interested?”

  “Uh, yeah, sure. That sounds good.”

  I’m out of my chair so fast, the abrupt movement causing it to roll back and bump into the floor-to-ceiling window behind me with a loud thud, but I don’t care because the two voices I just heard are Reese and Kai’s.

  Sure enough, wh
en I swing open the door to my office, Reese immediately drops his hand from Kai’s back and takes a step toward me. A grin on his face but apprehension in his eyes like he’s pretty sure he got caught flirting with an employee but is hopeful that he still has a shot with me.

  “Mr. M-”

  “Mr. Black. My office,” I bark at Kai, cutting off Reese, and retreat back to the safety of my space and far away from Reese Rogers.

  My fingers curl into a fist imagining his neck between them as they tighten. Imagining his muddy eyes bugging out of his head, veins popping along his forehead with every struggled breath. My nails dig into my palms the harder I squeeze, imagining Reese’s nails dragging down my arms in a desperate plea for me to let go, to let him breathe, to let him live. I inhale deeply imagining the life slowly drain from his eyes. Only the click of the door closing drags me back to reality, reminding me that it is all in my damn head.

  “What the hell was that, Toni?”

  I let out a slow, calming breath at the sound of Kai’s voice behind me, but I don’t turn around to face him, not yet.

  “It’s against company policy to fraternize with employees,” I grind out, hoping he doesn’t see through the bullshit. I don’t even know if it’s true, it probably is. There’s probably something in the policy handbook about dating employees or co-workers.

  Kai sighs, defeated. “What do you want, Antonio?”

  My gaze fixates on a man jogging across the street below in an immaculate suit. Placing a hand on the glass to get a better look and the other in the pocket of my dress pants. I wonder, not for the first time, why I’m not attracted to other men. Why is it just Kai? Why does the thought of another’s hands on him awaken the monster’s bloodlust?

  Braxton and Mason are attractive enough men. Why am I not attracted to them? I mean, regardless of the fact that it would be a sure-fire way to get killed. But if I am gay then why don’t other men do it for me? What is it about Kai that has me wanting to simultaneously run away and move closer?