Pull

by Rachel Van Dyken

  know what to say to make you feel better. Seriously, and we

  thought our shit was all messed up.”

  I laughed bitterly. “Life blows.”

  “Yup.”

  “Oh, please.” I rolled my eyes. “You’ve got Nat. You had the

  happy ending, and you didn’t almost die last year. I’d say life’s

  pretty good for you right now, right?”

  “Wrong.” Alec laughed humorlessly. “There’s always

  something, Demetri. Always. You should know that by now.”

  “What’s your current something?” My curiosity was piqued.

  “Promise you won’t tell?”

  “Who am I going to tell? I just lost one of my only good

  friends.”

  “Valid point.” Alec’s fingers flexed across the ledge. “A

  groupie contacted our agent and said I got her pregnant.”

  “Babies everywhere,” I muttered.

  “Right.” Alec closed his eyes. “Nat didn’t talk to me for two

  whole days.”

  “Verdict still out?” I asked.

  “Yup. God, what I wouldn’t do for a cigarette right now or a

  drink.” Alec laughed. “It’s like I’ve turned into you.”

  “Very funny.” I was still heartbroken but I managed a smile.

  “I wish someone would have warned us when we were kids.”

  Alec frowned. “Warned us?”

  “About how exposed life is. When you’re little the biggest

  complaint you have is when you’re going to get your next meal, or

  if you can stay up late and watch TV. As you get older things get

  more and more serious. You realize that death is inevitable, people

  fail you, and those you love will always leave you.”

  “Not always.” Alec put his arm around me.

  “Right, I’m touched. We have each other. Excuse me for not

  being thrilled over the fact that the girl I love just jumped on my

  heart and ran me over with a car.”

  We watched the waves in silence.

  Alec finally spoke up. “It will work out. She’s just hurt.”

  “So am I.”

  “What are you going to do?”

  “Cry?” I offered. “Yell? Scream? Throw a fit? Get high?”

  Alec crossed his arms.

  “I’m going to fight for her. I’m going to fight every damn

  day I have breath in my body, and if I die trying than at least I died

  loving someone with every part of my soul.”

  Chapter Thirty-one

  Alyssa

  Numb, I walked the two miles to my house. The lights were

  off, meaning my parents were probably already in bed. For the first

  time in years, I wished my dad would have been waiting for me. I

  wished they would tell me what to do. My damn heart was

  breaking and I didn’t know how to fix it.

  It felt like everything that was so secure beneath me just

  crumbled beneath my feet. As if the life I’d lived these past few

  weeks was a giant joke.

  I threw my shoes across the room and sat on my bed,

  putting my head in my hands. Tears dripped from my cheeks onto

  the floor.

  I should have known something bad was going to happen

  what with all the smiling I’d been doing lately. Sniffing, I wiped my

  cheeks and looked up at my dresser. The packet Sam had given me

  was sitting there with the sticky note still on it.

  Well, my night couldn’t get any worse.

  I quickly changed out of my dress and into sweats and

  grabbed the packet from the dresser. With a deep breath, I opened

  the packet and frowned.

  It was one of those moleskin notebooks. The red leather

  cover was slightly faded. With shaking hands I opened the first

  page.

  July 19, 2010

  Sometimes I wish she knew how much I loved her. Every time I get

  ready to say it, I choke. The words are there, the feeling is there, but it’s

  like I freeze up and then start to panic. I mean, are you supposed to find

  the love of your life at the age of seventeen? If she only knew how much it

  freaked me out. I mean, the other day I found myself wondering what our

  kids would look like.

  I can’t tell anyone but Sam, and even then he thinks I’ve lost my

  mind too. But, it’s killing me not being able to share that part of my soul

  with her. At the same time, I wonder if she’ll reject me. All the shit I’ve

  done is ridiculous, and the worst part is even though I love her, I still do

  things I know I shouldn’t.

  Yesterday she asked if I ever did drugs. I laughed in her face and

  shook her off. Later that night I got high with Sam and Connor. I felt

  terrible afterward, but she doesn’t know what it’s like to have all that

  pressure. I’m just thankful that the football coach turns the other way.

  My mom’s calling me for dinner, and I gotta go find Alyssa so we

  can hang out before the carnival. Sometimes I feel so confused.

  Tears streamed down my face as I flipped ahead a few

  pages. One of them was marked. I wasn’t sure if it was on purpose

  or not.

  September 1, 2010

  I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. I feel like shit. It’s the

  second time in a year that I’ve cheated on the girl I love and I didn’t even

  remember it happening.

  Alyssa picked me up last night from the party. I’m sure I was a

  mess. Sam said I drank a lot. I don’t really remember much except for

  Holly crying and me comforting her and then, well… an hour later I woke

  up in bed with her. I must have blacked out.

  I threw up for ten minutes before dialing Alyssa’s number. I meant

  to tell her everything, to say what a complete screw up I was. But the

  minute I heard her sweet voice I chickened out.

  It was the only time she saw me drunk. I still felt pretty wasted by

  the time she dropped me off. Apparently all I needed was a little liquid

  courage because the minute my feet touched the concrete I turned around

  and told her I loved her.

  I’m a piece of shit. I told her I loved her for the first time only hours

  after having sex with someone else.

  I started to cry, and then I felt worse because I knew she took the

  tears for passion when they were tears of regret.

  If I could take that day back I would, but I can’t. And I can’t take

  back the time before that. The drinking is out of control. The partying is

  getting to me, but I’m selfish. I’d rather keep this from her than tell her.

  Because if I tell her then I lose her, and I can’t lose the only woman I’ve

  ever loved.

  October 27, 2010

  I love her. With every fiber of my being. I love her more than life. I

  know I’m probably going to hate myself for this later, but I’m going to tell

  her before I leave for school. I have to tell her the truth, and if she rejects

  me, then at least I know I was completely honest with her before I took her

  heart away with me to school.

  I dropped the journal to the floor. Something fluttered out of

  the pages. Leaning over, I picked it up.

  A picture of me and Brady. We looked so happy. His smile

  was wide and beautiful. I was tucked under his arm like a football,

  and he was swinging me around.

  “Why? Brady?” I threw the picture to the
floor and sobbed

  into my hands. Why did he cheat? Why didn’t he tell me? Why

  wasn’t I good enough? I had so many questions. Ones that I knew I

  would never ever get the answer to. Which made everything so

  much worse!

  How could he hurt me like that? How could he betray me?

  Did he only cheat twice? And what made those girls more worthy

  than his own girlfriend? Than a girl he supposedly loved?

  I jerked up when I heard something knock against my

  window.

  Demetri was hunched over, looking like he was going to tear

  open the window or throw a rock through it if I didn’t move quick.

  I sighed and walked over to the window and opened it.

  He was so beautiful. His blue eyes were wide with concern

  as he reached out and pulled me into his chest. The tears clouded

  my vision so much that I was afraid I was going to pass out again.

  “I’m so sorry, Alyssa. I’m so so sorry.” Demetri rocked me

  back and forth and then scooped me up into his arms and laid me

  across the bed.

  Without thinking I reached for him and crushed my lips

  against his. His groan was desperate as his hands went to my shirt

  and lifted it over my head.

  Yes, this is what I needed. To forget everything but Demetri.

  “God, you’re beautiful.” Demetri stared at me reverently as

  his hands moved across my hips. I was feeling so many sensations

  at once. As if just one tiny touch from him would shatter me into a

  million pieces.

  “I love you.” He knelt down in front of me and kissed my

  stomach. “I love you too much to do this right now.” He stood up

  and went in for another scorching kiss.

  What did he mean too much?

  I reached for his shirt and tried to lift it over his head. He

  wouldn’t budge. I tried again, this time our tongues tangled until I

  was out of breath.

  “Sweetheart, you’re going to kill me.”

  “What’s wrong?” I stepped back suddenly feeling insecure

  about the fact that I was shirtless.

  “Nothing.” He chuckled and then cursed. “And everything.”

  I held myself tighter wishing I could disappear into the

  floor. “You’re just like him! I hate you!”

  “Whoa.” Demetri stepped toward me. But I jerked away.

  “Leave me alone!”

  “No.” Demetri grabbed my elbow and threw me onto the

  bed covering my body with his. “I can’t just leave you alone. I love

  you.”

  My body was numb again as I gazed up at Demetri. “He

  said he loved me too.”

  Demetri froze, his breathing was heavy. “It’s not the same.”

  “It is the same,” I said through tears. “It’s the same damn

  cycle and I can’t seem to break it. You’ll get bored with me. He did

  and he wasn’t famous. You’ll get tired of me and then you’ll leave

  me, just like him.”

  “It wasn’t Brady’s fault he died, Alyssa. He didn’t mean to

  leave you.”

  “You won’t either.”

  “Damn it, Alyssa! Do you hear yourself? When are you

  going to stop running?”

  Shuddering, I looked away. “I think you should go.”

  “I can’t.”

  “Go!” I sobbed. “Please, just… go. I need time.”

  “It’s not me, it’s you. You need time. You need space. You

  want to take a break. Sure I’ve heard the speech before. I hate that

  I’ve heard that speech so much, but let me ask you one thing.”

  “What?” I gulped, was this the last time I would touch him?

  Feel his skin against mine?

  “The love you felt for Brady, is it the same you feel for me?”

  Goodbye, Demetri Daniels… “No.” I shook my head as a

  few stray tears fell down my swollen cheeks. It was more. It was

  better, but I couldn’t say that. I couldn’t let Demetri know how

  much of my heart he held, because I wasn’t sure I could trust him

  not to take it and never give it back. I was already a mess. I was a

  hundred different shades of angry. I was broken.

  “Right.” Demetri closed his eyes for a few seconds before

  releasing my arms and walking over to the window. “You need to

  know something…”

  “What’s that?” Just leave already so I don’t take it all back!

  “I’ll never stop.”

  “Never stop?”

  “Loving you,” Demetri said sadly. “I won’t stop. You can

  hate me forever. Shit, I’ll even take all the blame for what Brady did

  to you. I’ll take it on my shoulders and I’ll bear that burden for you.

  So if it helps, hate me, despise me, curse me… If it helps you heal,

  then I’ll be the punching bag. Just know that every time you curse

  me, my answer is I love you. Every time you hit me, my answer is I

  love you, and every time you close your eyes, I’ll still be loving

  you.”

  Something finally snapped inside me. Maybe it was my

  sanity; whatever it was, I felt it the minute it unleashed. Like a tiny

  thread that was finally stretched too tight and with one final pull, it

  disintegrated.

  All I knew is everything hurt, and all my hurt was directed

  at Brady. I could see it now, but Demetri was standing right there

  so I lashed out.

  I grabbed the journal off the floor and threw it at his face. It

  missed him by a few feet. I started scrambling on the floor for

  something else to throw, something else that could cause him pain,

  make him hurt as much as I hurt.

  I was on my hands and knees when it happened. When

  Demetri’s arms flew around me and held me close to his chest. I

  threw my elbows and legs all over the place, but he was

  unmovable.

  Exhausted, I finally collapsed in his arms.

  “I hate him so much.”

  “I know, sweetheart. I know.”

  I don’t know how long we sat on the floor like that. Me in

  his arms, rocking back and forth. After a while my eyes grew heavy

  and I succumbed to the darkness.

  Chapter Thirty-two

  Demetri

  A shitty day was just made worse. I walked — correction —

  I ran to Alyssa’s house, and now I was paying the price for staying

  up half the night with her while she cried in my arms.

  I kissed her on the forehead before I left. I even tucked her in

  bed so she could rest.

  It was a new day. Maybe things would start to get better?

  As I turned the last corner that led me back to the

  boardwalk, a camera went off and then another and another until I

  was blinded by paparazzi.

  “Demetri, you look terrible. Are you on drugs again?”

  “Demetri! Did your girlfriend dump you?”

  “Is the show canceled?”

  “Where’s your brother?”

  My mouth opened to give a snotty retort when I felt

  someone’s arm around my shoulders. I looked up to see Jaymeson

  grinning like a fool.

  “Enough about AD2, let’s talk about me.” He pushed me

  slightly out of the way and directly into Nat’s arms.

  I shook as she held me and walked me to where Alec was

  standing.

  We walked in silence to the beach
house. Nat kept holding

  me close to her as if trying to protect me from all the crazy people

  out there. And Alec, for once, didn’t joke about our relationship. He

  didn’t say one damn thing, though it looked like the next person

  who spoke was going to get punched in the face.

  Finally, once we were in the safety of our own house, with

  Bob at the door like some sort of guard dog, Alec lost it.

  “What the hell, Demetri? You were out all night! You

  weren’t answering you phone and you just disappeared! Nobody

  knew where you were.”

  “Sorry.” I sighed in exhaustion.

  “You look like shit, man.”

  “Thanks,” I croaked.

  “Where did you go?”

  “To hell and back, thanks for asking. Do we have any

  coffee?”

  Nat patted my hand. “I’ll run next door and get some. You

  guys ran out yesterday.”

  The room fell silent except for Nat’s footsteps on the

  hardwood floor as she left our house and ran next door.

  “I went to fix things with Alyssa.”

  “And how’d that work out for you?”

  “Does my shirt look like it has a rainbow on it? Are birds

  chirping in the distance and butterflies flapping around my head?”

  “That sucks, bro.”

  “Wow, you really need to learn how to give better advice.” I

  shook my head. “I’m just exhausted. I think I need five pounds of

  coffee and at least a few hours of sleep before I can talk about it.”

  “Oh,” came Nat’s voice. I turned around to see not just her

  standing there but Mrs. Murray as well.

  “Care to talk?”

  “Care to medicate me?” I snapped.

  “He’s tired,” Alec explained.

  “Your choice, Demetri,” Mrs. Murray said.

  Exhaustion finally hit the tipping point as I nodded my

  head. I couldn’t speak. I felt like I was stuck in a terrible nightmare,

  that at some point I’d wake up and Alyssa would be smiling again

  in my arms.

  “Coffee and then we talk and then medication?” The words

  stumbled out in a slur.

  Mrs. Murray smiled. “Yes to the first two, and no to the

  last.”

  “A guy can try.”

  ****

  A half hour later I was in Mrs. Murray’s office sitting on the

  floor. The coffee had woken me up a bit but not as much as I would

  have liked.

  It felt weird to be sitting in the exact same spot I’d sat in