Perfectly Loved

by Lacey Silks

  “You need a friend to talk to or confide in?”

  And just as fast, our connection was gone.

  “That’s why I was talking to Laurie, jackass.”

  I laughed. No wonder she didn’t have many friends but maybe the examples from the male half of the population she’d met so far had been nothing to rave about.

  “I’m sorry. It’s just hard for me to talk to guys.”

  I wanted to tease her some more, but as she lowered her head I got that warning feeling in my stomach again and didn’t want to prod further. I was afraid I’d push her away if I did.

  “So if you don’t live here… where, then?”

  Unfortunately, I already knew the answer to that. But would she trust me enough to tell me herself?

  “Here and there.”

  “I know you’re from a foster home, Millie.”

  “Let me guess, you got that info from your informant at the tiny school you go to? Is that a euphemism for something? Is everything tiny at your school?”

  She scanned me from my head down to my toes and back, once again stopping midway on the way up. I was pretty sure I had somewhat controlled the situation in my pants.

  “Should a young girl like you be thinking so much about dicks?”

  “Please.” She rolled her eyes. “You’ve seen one, you’ve seen them all.”

  “So, you’re not a virgin?”

  “I… I didn’t say that.”

  “Where have you seen a dick then?”

  “Porn.” The dimple in her cheek deepened. She was lying. If I were to bet, she hadn’t just seen, but experienced something much worse.

  “Which foster home are you at, Millie?” I asked again.

  “The Savages’.” She moved away, closer to the broken window, and peered through the shattered glass. “It’s temporary, so if you don’t see me at your tiny school next week, it means I moved on to better things. But they don’t care much, so I may be able to stay until my birthday in June. And then I’ll have the means to go wherever I want.”

  “You need to be eighteen to be on your own?”

  “Sixteen, actually. If you can prove you’re not in a dangerous situation. Which wouldn’t be that hard, but the law usually likes to give me the runaround. So I figure once I’m eighteen, it will be easier to get a decent job and find a place to rent. Then I’m out of here.”

  “Wait, why are you a junior?”

  “My mother missed the registration deadline for grade one and I had to wait a year.”

  I hadn’t realized that Millie was my age until now; I’d just assumed she was younger.

  “So I’ve always been behind a year. And if I hear you make a joke about it, I’ll tell everyone about your boner.”

  I took the threat seriously. There were so many questions I wanted to ask her, but not too fast.

  “Why do you come here instead of going to the Savages’?”

  She drew her finger over the dusted counter, creating a weaving path. “Because the mattress upstairs doesn’t reek of piss, and the scraps I get from the cafeteria taste much better than nothing.”

  That’s when I noticed the grocery bag by the wall next to her overused backpack. It was more of an army backpack, and had so many stitches that it looked like the entire thing was made of patches. No wonder the kids at school were pegging her as a homeless girl. I felt like a prick for assuming that a house with a family would be better than here. If Millie was here, I didn’t even want to think what it was like to be at the Savage house.

  “I think it’s chicken parmesan night at my house. It will probably have more noodles than chicken, but it’s very good.”

  I saw her lick her lips. My guess was that it had been a while since she’d had a good meal.

  “My father won’t mind,” I added.

  “What about your mother?”

  “Come to dinner, and I’ll tell you all about her.”

  She cocked her head to the side, somewhat interested.

  “If you don’t want to do it for yourself, then do it for me. I won’t get any sleep knowing you’re living on scraps.”

  She finally sighed. “Fine, if it makes you happy, I’ll go. But don’t think that I’m some sort of a charity case. I can survive on my own.”

  “I wouldn’t dare, and I’m sure you can. You have so far, right?”

  She lifted her head and our gazes locked again. I never told her this, but that was the moment I fell for Millie. I liked her when she kicked that locker, and even more when her beautifully pained eyes bore into mine. Fate had guided me to find her. At first, I thought it was because she needed help, but I’d later realize that I was the one who needed her more. I didn’t know how I’d help. Heck, I wouldn’t know for years, and would make plenty mistakes trying, but if there was one thing I was certain of, it was that Millie was meant to be in my life. More so, she would bring more love to my family than I could have hoped for.

  Chapter 3

  Millie

  “Where is she?” His scream squeezed tears out of my eyes, but Momma had asked me not to make noise, not to move¸ not to breathe. I held my breath as long as I could. I didn’t wipe the snot from my nose or the tears off my cheeks. I stayed frozen in the upper cabinet. Sometimes Daddy didn’t like looking at me, and when Momma saw him coming toward the trailer, she said today was one of those days when he’d want to punish me because I was a very bad kid, a useless mouth to feed, and a nuisance for Momma who couldn’t work. And so she hid me.

  “Look, honey. I made stew,” Momma offered him.

  “Two fucking cans of whatever you found in a dump is not called stew.”

  We hadn’t found it in a dump, not this time. Momma got some money and went to the store. I saw it myself. I helped her pick it out.

  Something crashed to the floor, and I hoped it wasn’t the stew because my stomach was hoping to be filled today. It had been hoping to be filled yesterday as well, but after Momma forgot to turn off the stove and it burned, Dad threw it into the trash. We scraped out as much as we could after he left, but most of it wasn’t that good. Still, it stopped my stomach from grumbling.

  “How was work?” Momma asked. She always did. I wasn’t sure where Daddy worked because he always said there wasn’t enough money. I didn’t care about the money, but I did want to eat, so maybe I should have listened better to how work was. Maybe he had a better day than yesterday.

  “Fucking cops staked out the place.”

  “Maybe tomorrow will be better,” Momma said.

  “Come here.”

  After that they didn’t speak. But I knew they were there because the trailer shook and Momma made funny noises. It didn’t last long.

  “I have something for you,” Daddy said. I peeked through the keyhole. He was on the bed, under the sheets with Momma, and he reached out his hand and gave her a little white pill. “Swallow it.”

  Momma’s hand shook. She didn’t look like she wanted it. But she put it in her mouth, closed her eyes, and swallowed. It couldn’t have been good because she had tears in her eyes. Sometimes I wished I had other family, like the aunts and uncles some of the other kids had, maybe grandparents. Then I could sneak off to their home so that Daddy wouldn’t be upset. Afraid to come out, I stayed in that cabinet until they fell asleep, then snuck out of the trailer and slept on the chair at the front. It was a good thing it was summer time.

  Present time

  “I was at the store when I saw him.” I curled my knees underneath me on the window seat and stared outside. Some leaves in Dave’s backyard were lifted by an updraft of wind, and they floated in orange and yellow patterns before settling down. There weren’t many of them; most trees at the back resembled spider webs. With the cold winter air looming, it wouldn’t be long before they were covered with snow.

  “Eight months can pass by so quickly. I still can’t believe that’s all he got. And they didn’t even have the decency to notify me that he was coming out early.”

  Unfortuna
tely, the system tended to fail me more often than other people. That’s why I learned early on, unless I found some sort of balance in life, if I didn’t live by the laws of nature, Fate would have it in for me until the day I died. Was I wrong? Had I made a mistake to obey my fate this whole time? Was my state of Zen not good enough? I tried to give back to the world as much as I could, hoping in some way the universe would protect a small little me from the evil that had spun Mark Savage from hell.

  “It’s also been eight years since I lost you, baby. I thought I could win you back. Sometimes it felt like I did, like last Christmas. It was a really good Christmas.” He walked up to me, close, but not so close that I’d feel the need to create more distance between us.

  My memories drifted to a year ago, when Dave had brought me out of a panic attack and my heart decided that it couldn’t take another moment without him. I had succumbed to his charms, and two months later, Dave found me at the park, bleeding and crying, holding a lifeless corpse in my arms; and the hope I had that I’d always remain protected vanished. At first, I thought telling Dave that I blamed him for that day would be enough to keep him away. But that was a lie. I could never hold him responsible for what happened, but I could prevent him from getting hurt, and staying away was the only guarantee – no matter how much I missed him, ached for him, and loved him. It was for his own good. I created more distance between us than I had over the past twelve years; distance which Dave managed to conquer each time he saw me.

  “Yeah, it was a good Christmas.” I smiled back. “I’m sorry you’re hurting. I don’t want you to. I’m sorry I can’t give you what you need.”

  “My pain is nothing compared to yours. I screwed up your life—”

  “—Dave, you didn’t.”

  “I did. I don’t know how, but I did. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have brought it up.” He paced back and forth, scratching his head before stopping. “So, Savage is out. I’ll file a restraining order today. What else can I do? What will you let me do?”

  His beautiful green eyes were filled with worry, begging me. My heart squeezed tight in my chest. How could I say no to him?

  “I wish I knew what to do. I really do. But I think it’s better if I handle this on my own. I don’t want you getting in trouble.”

  “Jesus, Millie. We’re not a couple of kids anymore. This isn’t about drinking spiked punch at a prom and covering it up. It’s serious.”

  “And I’ll deal with it.”

  He stopped in front of me, only inches away. “I’m sorry. I just can’t let you go through this alone.”

  I got off my ass and walked in the opposite direction of Dave. This wasn’t even up for a discussion. We’d gone through this before, after all.

  “Well, you don’t have a choice, because each time you try to help me, everything gets worse.”

  “How? For fuck’s sake, just tell me how?”

  I let out an exasperated breath. Didn’t he get it? Whatever I’d done in my past life, it was haunting my ass like a poltergeist. And I didn’t want to be the reason he was hurt again. This was one secret I had to hold on to. I didn’t want him to blame himself for pulling the trigger that day.

  “Millie, do you really want to be miserable for the rest of your life?”

  No. But I ignored his question.

  “It’s my aura. I can feel its weight all around me. And it’s getting heavier and heavier by the minute. I’ve tried to get it cleansed by this lady, Morgan was her name, and I stepped into this herbal bath on the third moon of the year—”

  “Please tell me you’re joking.”

  “I’m not. Do you think I want trouble following me and those I love?”

  Wait, did I just tell him that I loved him? Well, he knew that anyway, didn’t he? And why was he looking at me so funny?

  Change topic – quick!

  “And you really think I wanted to be naked in the middle of the forest just to get cleansed of bad spirits and forces?”

  He grasped me by my waist, stopping my pace. I was so close to him I could smell his crisp morning breath with a hint of the coffee he’d sipped from my cup a moment ago. Didn’t he have his own coffee? I shook my head. The atmosphere shifted. A current of us, connected, flowed like a silk ribbon, tensing my muscles, reminding me of how good he felt against me, and I couldn’t pull away. His fingers held me in place as his voice lowered to a seductive whisper. “Okay, first of all, you gotta stop getting naked unless I’m around.”

  “Yeah, like that’s gonna happen,” I snickered, and his face got more serious.

  “You had no trouble getting naked around me before.”

  “Dave, I had no trouble getting naked around anyone. But you…”

  Did I just walk into my own pile of shit? A wicked grin stretched across his face, and I’d have paid way more than a penny to know what was going on in that head of his.

  “I honestly could get naked with you anywhere. Well, except for the golf club incident,” he reminded me, pulling me in even closer until every inch of my body was warmed by his heat.

  “That was not intentional. How was I supposed to know we’d end up at a golf course?” That day felt as if it had happened yesterday, yet it was so long ago. We were just a couple of stupid kids back then, lost in the tiny spectrum of perfect life that Fate had dealt us.

  “Naked.” His brow rose.

  “Yeah, and in the middle of a state-wide tournament.”

  “With blurred out private parts on national television, covering ourselves with leaves.”

  I chuckled. “It was funny. But at least all you had to cover was your crotch.”

  The side of his mouth curved up, and I knew that he was going back in time with his memories as well. Did I want him to do that? It would only make things more complicated between us.

  “Ahm, listen, I better get going.” I tried to pull away, but Dave tightened his hold on my hips and brought me back to that familiar place against his hard body.

  “Oh, no. I’m not leaving you on your own today.”

  “You don’t have to do this, Dave. I’m a big girl. I can handle it.”

  “You were almost killed, and the bastard is out.”

  “Well, at least something good came out of it,” I said. He furrowed his brows in a questioning look. “I realized the only true family I ever had was yours.”

  “Millie, I’m—”

  “Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault that my own parents didn’t care. Your family cared. You gave me more than anyone in this life.”

  “Then why don’t you love me anymore?”

  Was that what he thought? That I didn’t love him? Because that was so far from the truth, it would take a million light years to get there. Apart, we were safe. He was safe. The universe had shown us so many times that we weren’t meant to be, and I was too little to take on the universe. Our galaxy, maybe, but not the universe.

  Forcing me to sit back down on the window seat, Dave kept his firm grip on my shoulders. It didn’t look like he was going to make it easy for me to get away.

  “Thanksgiving is next week,” he reminded me.

  The implication of spending the holiday together pierced my heart. Each year since I’d become part of his family, we’d celebrated the holidays at the cabin in the mountains. But this year was different. April, Dave’s sister and my best friend, had met Sean. They were a complete family now and would be spending Thanksgiving at Sean’s house, with their father who had happened to reconnect with the first love of his life as well – Sean’s mother. She’d invited me, but it just didn’t feel right to go. I didn’t want to be the one with a somber face over the holidays.

  “Are you going to Sean’s?” he asked.

  “Probably,” I lied. “Will you be bringing Gwen?”

  “We haven’t talked about it yet. I may have dinner with her family and then drop by.”

  Wow, they really were serious. Why would I ever think that a handsome and loving man like Dave would remain single?
If the universe got it right, he’d end up blessed with a beautiful family one day. And I couldn’t be part of it. Evil followed me as if it was my shadow.

  “So, since you’re not working, what’s on your agenda today?” he asked.

  “I don’t know. I may do some yoga.”

  His jaw tensed. “I don’t understand how naked yoga helps you.”

  “The place is safe. They have triple security systems, and everyone’s screened. Besides, it’s liberating.” I shrugged. “You’re in your birthday suit, as natural as you can be. No underwear to constrict your movement.”

  “Millie, one of these days, your frivolous ways are going to catch up with you.”

  “Oh, come on. You used to love being foolish.”

  “Because I was a fool and then I grew up.” He paused. After a moment of hesitation, he asked, “Do men come to these things?”

  “Rarely. They’re not confident enough.”

  “Are there mirrors?”

  “Not in this studio.” I laughed at the image of Dave checking himself out in the mirror. “Wanna join?”

  “Not in this lifetime.”

  “Hhmm, I think you’d get a clear perspective if you did.”

  “The only perspective I’d get is one of asses, tits, dongs, and bushes.”

  “Most women shave.”

  “Women don’t have to hide wood when they’re turned on.”

  “That’s because they’re not turned on.”

  “And they’re liars, just like you.”

  I shook my head. “You’re wrong. It’s because women don’t think about sex all the time.”

  “Again, liars. If you’re all about procreation and nature and everything having its place in the universe, then you damn well know that a naked man and a naked woman in one room together means they’re likely thinking about fucking each other.”

  Dave’s mouth and the word ‘fucking’ were such a turn on. I tensed my thighs.

  “You’re wrong.”

  “I’m right. Look at me – just thinking about you in that studio makes me hard.”

  I laughed and lowered my gaze to his crotch, where a healthy bulge was getting bigger and bigger. Had I been rubbing against him? I pulled away. “You’re sick. How can you be horny all the time?”