All Roads Lead Home

by Wasowski, Mary

  “Jagger! Wait, please.” I scrambled out of bed and quickly got dressed. I ran after him, but he was already gone.

  Oh my god. Oh my god. What did I do? What the hell am I going to do now? I paced around with nervous energy. I was running on pure adrenaline now. Shane was now up on his feet and wiped the blood away from his mouth. The sight of him hurt made my stomach retch. My entire body was shaking, and then I was throwing up with Shane behind me holding my hair back. I emptied my stomach and when I had nothing left to expel from my aching body, he carried me back into the cabin.

  “I’m so sorry, Tenley. Let him cool off and then I’ll talk to him,” Shane said.

  “And what will you say? ‘Sorry I fucked your girlfriend?’ You’ll be lucky if you get past his front door. This was a mistake, Shane, and I will never forgive myself for hurting him like that, or you for that matter. Don’t you get it? I used you last night to make me feel better about my decision to leave Wyoming. I’m everything Jagger accused me of.”

  “Stop it, Tenley. I don’t see it that way at all. I love you, and if you give yourself a chance, I know you can love me too.”

  “I do love you, Shane, but not in the way you want me to. I’m so sorry I did this to us. I compromised our friendship, and destroyed your relationship with Jagger. You deserve so much better than me. I’m not worthy enough to be called your friend. I hope one day you can forgive me for what I’ve done here today.”

  I left him there and drove my betraying ass home. Jamie was waiting for me with a beer in hand. I stepped up on the porch and he handed me one. He knew. Jagger must have told him, or Shane called him. The way he was looking at me made me sink lower in my shame.

  Jamie said to me, “Go on. Take a sip, it looks like you need one. Or did you get your fill last night?”

  Now my circle of hell was complete. He didn’t say the words, but he didn’t have to. I had just slept with his best friend and betrayed the other. He finished his beer and reached for my hand. I didn’t take it at first, and then his eyes softened. No matter what, Jamie was my brother, my hero. He had to forgive me. It’s in the handbook for siblings.

  He said, “For what it’s worth, I am very sorry. If I would have kicked his ass on the day I caught you two together, I may have saved you all this hurting you are going through now. I’m your brother. It’s my job to protect you and defend you, even when you fuck up.”

  “Gee thanks, bro. You should have heard him, Jamie. Jagger said so many cruel things, too hurtful to repeat. He even talked trash about you.”

  My brother took my hands in his and tried to smile, but he wasn’t the best when it came to hiding his feelings.

  I asked, “What is it? What are you not telling me?”

  “My cancer is back.”

  “No! You’re in remission, and you’ve been doing so well. What the hell, Jamie? Have you been lying to me? Did Jagger know all this time? Is that why he said what he said? Oh my God! He knew. You all fucking knew, and you didn’t tell me.”

  “Will you calm down and listen to me? It’s complicated, Tenley.”

  “What’s complicated about it? You’re sick again, and I have failed you. I was the one that saved you, Jamie, and now after years of remission, you swig back a beer and tell me your cancer is back?”

  “Tenley, please Tumbleweed, sit with me and we will talk this out.”

  He reached for my hands, but I pushed at his chest, nearly making him trip. I ran from him. I couldn’t stand to look at my brother. I trusted him above all others to tell me the truth. He was better. He looked like Jamie. How could he be so sick inside?

  I ran as quickly as my feet could take me. It was no secret what I would do next. I saddled up Jazzy and took off like a rocket. I trained Jazzy. I taught her to know me and react the way I needed her to be. My horse knew I needed to fly, and that’s exactly what we did. I worked her hard up and throughout the terrain that led me to my thinking spot. She was panting between her breaths, and needed to rest. We stopped by the river where she could get a drink, and me? Time to think.

  I sat there and stared out into the darkening sky. The sun was getting ready to go to sleep for the night. I had been gone all day. It wasn’t as if anyone would be concerned about me being gone anyway.

  Jamie was right. I fucked up…big time. I deserve this pain I’m feeling right now. It can’t even come close to what Jagger must be feeling. I was so lost in my thoughts, I didn’t hear him behind me.

  “You need to pick a better hiding spot.”

  “You scared the shit out of me.”

  “Doubtful, baby sister, you knew I would come for you. And I did. I just wanted you to take some time to sort out your shit. Have you done that yet?”

  “Go away,” I said.

  “Not a chance, baby sis. Come on, let’s go home. You’re lucky it was me that found you and not daddy. You know the parents hate when you take off without telling them.”

  “Lucky for me, they have you to keep me in check.”

  “Are you done yet? Because I’m ready to take it. Let me have it Tenley, practice those pre-lawyer skills on me. You know you want to hand me my ass. It’s not like I wanted to be sick. I’m so sorry you are hurt, but me being sick doesn’t give you a free pass to be irresponsible, especially on this fucking ranch where you can get hurt.”

  “Watch your mouth,” I retorted.

  “You first.”

  All the fight was out of me, and my brother gave me a much needed hug.

  “I’m so sorry Jamie. I know you are ashamed of me,” I said.

  “Never. No matter what, Tumbleweed, that is one feeling I will never have when it comes to you. They will get over it in time. You’re my sister. I will always have your back.”

  “I know.”

  We rode back to the main house in silence. I was wrecked. Life pretty much continued on after that. After Jamie and I talked the next day, I was ready to simply walk away from school and stay with him, but he wouldn’t hear of it.

  Days turned into weeks and still Jagger refused my calls or visits, and I refused Shane’s. The day I was set to leave, Shane finally managed to see me. We walked down to the barn and took the horses out for a ride.

  “I’m sorry, Shane,” I said to him.

  “I’m sorry, too, but not for what we shared. I will never be sorry for loving you, Tenley, and finally making love to you. I’m only sorry for hurting Jagger, and that will be a wound that will hurt for a long time to come.”

  “Have you seen him?”

  “I have, and yet I’m still walking and breathing.”

  “Don’t make jokes, Shane.”

  “I’m not. He and I have talked. I told him everything and lived to walk another day. He may never get past on how much I hurt him, but he doesn’t hate me. He said we’ve been brothers for too many years, and next to Jamie, I’m the only one he’s got. That horrible scene at the cabin was just his anger talking for him. I deserved every punch to my gut, but you didn’t deserve the words he spoke. They were vile, and believe me, he knows it. I reminded him with a punch to his jaw. After that, we nursed his wound with a six pack, maybe two, I lost count.”

  “I’m happy to hear that, Shane. He can hate me forever, but you, no way. I can’t be the one responsible for tearing you apart from one another. I still struggle to look at myself in the mirror.”

  “You’re not the only one, but please stop being so hard on yourself. Tenley, I love you. I always will. I want to be with you more than words can say, but I’m smart enough to know that you don’t feel as I do. I knew that going in and I still crossed the line. Jagger was right about one thing. Ranching is our life. It flows through our veins. We know nor want anything else. I just got caught up into the fantasies I’ve been playing out in my head. Maybe I thought in some crazy realm of the universe, you would choose me. You can’t blame me for trying. I will never regret taking my chance to be with you. No matter what happens with the three of us, please don’t leave with the burden of gu
ilt weighing you down. You will always be my girl…my best girl.”

  “Thank you, Shane. I don’t deserve you, but thank you.”

  “Yes, you do and you’ll find your way, beautiful girl. I don’t know what is waiting for you beyond the protective gates of this ranch, but whenever you decide to come home, our friendship will be here waiting for you.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise,” Shane said, reassuringly.

  “Are you ready, Tenley?” Daddy asked as he took in the scene in front of him.

  “I’m ready, daddy. Shane was just leaving.”

  I turned back to Shane and hugged him once more.

  “Take care of you.” I said.

  “Take care of you,” he repeated.

  My mother hugged me and quickly went back into the house. She never allowed anyone to see her cry, but we all knew she was in her room with a box of Kleenex close by. It was her job to be strong for us. Jamie and I never teased her, we knew it was her way. I thought it was hard saying goodbye to my brother, but seeing Shane again was way worse. He just reminded me of the past few weeks and all of the hurt I have caused. That wasn’t his intention, but it is what it is. No matter how hard he tried to convince me about Jagger, the truth was the truth. I hurt him…bad. With all communication cut off, I had to believe it was what Jagger wanted. We were over…really over. I didn’t need any more signs to tell me otherwise.

  My dad wanted to wait with me at the bus station, but I let him off the hook. I didn’t want him to drive me to the airport. That would mean I would have had to talk and talking was the last thing on my mind. He didn’t say much, but only to see the assurance in my eyes. He wanted to know if this is what I really wanted. After hurting Jagger the way I did, I never wanted anything more than to just run. I sat there alone in my thoughts and double checked my bag and made sure I had my ticket. You’re doing the right thing, I repeated to myself.

  And then he was here. Standing in front of me was Jagger Lucas Parrish. He looked as if he didn’t sleep for weeks. His hair was overgrown, and he sported the sexy five o’clock shadow. I’d never seen him with hair on his face, a look I could get used to. His eyes were glazed over, but anger still was behind them. Why was he here? I thought he hated me. I remained where I was as he walked over to me.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked.

  He struggled for his words until he reached for my hands and looked into my eyes. He was so beautiful. His dark hair had natural shimmering highlights. Jagger had tanned skin from days of working out under the hot sun. His muscles rippled with every move he made. I couldn’t help but feel a physical reaction every time he was in my close proximity.

  “I’ve been asking myself that same question all morning, but yet here I am. I missed you at your house, and by the time I got there, your mother told me where to find you. She looked almost hopeful that I might be able to change your mind. Tenley, can I change your mind?”

  “Jagger,” I whispered.

  “Don’t say my name like that. It makes me want more. It gives me hope.”

  “I thought you hated me.”

  “I do, but deep down I love you more. You shredded me with a thousand blades when I found you with Shane. How could you so easily give yourself over to him when just hours before you were mine?”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  “You’re sorry? You better come up with something better than sorry. You ripped out my fucking heart. A betrayal that I will never forget. You hurt me in the cruelest way possible. You fucked my best friend. A brother to me. Why, Tenley? Why? Explain it to me. And if you say you did it because you were drunk, then I’m really going to lose my shit.”

  “Jagger, what do you want me to say here? I was drunk, yes I’ll admit, but I wasn’t that drunk enough to know that I didn’t realize what I was doing. Shane didn’t force me, and I knew it was wrong, but I fucked him anyway. Is that what you want to hear? You refused me, so I let him take my body and be in the same places you were in first. It happened, and I knew once it did, I would never forgive myself. You would never look at me the same way again. I only proved that by being with Shane, I was everything you said I was. ‘Whore,’ right? Yeah, I added it to the list.”

  “I called you those names to hurt your feelings, Ten. I was hurt so deeply and never felt so betrayed in all of my life. You are not a whore. You will never know how sorry I am for calling you that. I told my father what I said, and he just about broke my ribs for calling a woman that disgusting word. I’m sorry and feel nothing but regret. You are my world, or at least I hope you will be again. I couldn’t get past the fact that you so easily wanted to leave me. I get it now. I know you were meant for so much more than the ranch, but do you have to go so far away? You can pick another school and at least we could still see each other and try to be together. We could live in the city. You can practice law, and I’ll work the ranch. It can work, baby, but you have to be in this with me.”

  “You still want me? After what I did with Shane?”

  “Shocking, right? Yes, Tenley, I still want you. I was angry beyond reason. Seeing you with Shane burnt a forever image in my brain and tore my heart out, but I can’t hate him. I can’t hate you. I want to believe I can forgive you both, but in order for me to do that, you have to stay. I’m asking you to not get on that plane today. Please be with me…stay with me. You told me you loved me every single day since we decided to be together. You never stopped telling me or showing me the depths of your love. I’m asking you to prove it to me right now and just don’t get on that bus to take you to the airport. Please, Tenley, stay.”

  He continued, “Choose me…choose us. I promise you won’t regret it.”

  Jagger got on one knee and pulled out a box from his pocket. I nearly fainted when I realized what he was doing.

  “Marry me Tenley. You have my heart as easily as I have yours. Please don’t break me again. I love you. Marry me. Love me. Stay with me. Share my life with me. All you need to do is say yes. I swear I will love you with all that I have and promise your life will be as adventurous as you are dreaming it to be.”

  He asked me to marry him. He promised me that he loved me more than anything, and I was worth giving a second chance to. This is getting confusing.

  “My heart says yes. But…” I said.

  “Then that’s what you need to trust. Please, Tenley…stay.”

  “I do love you, Jagger, more than myself. In a perfect world, you would be getting on this bus with me, but that’s not you. I can’t expect you to even change one thing in your future’s plan. It would be incredibly unfair and selfish of me to ask that of you. You accused me of being selfish and you were right. Please let me prove to you that I can put you first. For that reason alone, I can’t marry you, and you shouldn’t want to marry me. We would only resent each other in the end, and that’s something I will never be able to live with.”

  The bus came to a stop, and the driver stepped out. He announced to the waiting passengers to begin boarding. Jagger was still on his knee and holding the ring box in his hand. Tears were falling down his rugged and exhausted face. I abruptly got up, and he stayed where he was.

  “I’m so sorry, Jagger. I’m so sorry.”

  I grabbed my bag and stepped onto the bus. I went to the furthest seat I could find and sat there with my head buried in my hands. I’m doing the right thing by leaving. He deserves so much more. I said it over and over again.

  By the time I found the courage to look out through the window, he was gone. The bus began to pull away, and I was on my way to begin my new life. I was everything Jagger accused me of. I was selfish. Absorbed in only myself and not caring what I was leaving behind. No, that wasn’t true at all. I let him go. I set him free to begin again with someone who would be worthy of his love and wanted the life he wanted.

  I wanted to stay for my brother, but he wasn’t having it. I never wanted to leave Jagger. When I received my letter, I never considered how my relationship with
him would change. Yes, I wanted more, but I wanted that with Jagger, and hoped we would be on the new road to our future. And now it’s just too late. What happened, happened, and I will live with my choices.

  Wendy and I talked through the night before I was set to leave. She knew me better than anyone. There was nothing I could get past her. She tried to change my mind, but I was firm with my decision. I wasn’t ready for marriage. I was twenty two. A college graduate and leaving home once again to begin law school. I wanted to leave and not be judged for my decisions. Living life on the ranch was all I knew. Did it make me a bad person for wanting more from my life? I didn’t think it did. Shane promised we would always be friends, and Jagger swore he could never move past from the hurt I caused him, but yet? He showed up and asked me to marry him. How could I? I not only hurt Jagger once, but then again when I refused his proposal. I returned his kindness with saying no and by leaving him once again.

  I re-read my brother’s letter over and over again until my eyes were so blurred from my tears, I couldn’t see the words in front of me. How could Jamie do this to me? He refused me when I begged him to allow me to come home and be at his side during the time he had left. He said he wanted me to remember him on the day I left for school and not as a shell of a man dying in front of me. Now I get a letter five years later to ask me if I’m happy.

  “Who the fuck does that to another person? Oh yeah, my brother does!” I screamed out for no one to hear me. “Yeah, I said it. You’re not here to scold me, but your letter is detailing my mistakes in living color. Thanks for that, bro. So much for having my back.”

  I was angry, hurt, and way too hung over to entertain this any longer. I tossed the letter and wiped my tears. I made up my mind and decided not to give the letter or my past any more power over me. I was in and out of the shower within five minutes. I spent less time on choosing my outfit for the day.