All Roads Lead Home

by Wasowski, Mary

  “Yes! I think today calls for Freddy Mac. He is one of my favorite designers to wear. It’s perfect for what I need today.”

  I slipped on my matching Jimmy Choo stilettos to complete my look. Oh Yeah! I was ready. On the outside, I looked good. Power suit, killer heels, and my take no prisoner attitude.

  I love my choice. I chose my choice. If I say it enough times, maybe I’ll believe it.

  I paused for a moment in front of my floor length mirror and silently prayed that I could pull myself out of my darkness. Don’t give up, Tenley, the beginning is always the hardest. Daddy always used to say that when we were training a new horse. He was always there for me to catch me when I fell, but encouraged me to get back up until the reluctant horse became my friend. I took one last look, and then I was off.

  I couldn’t afford to waste any more time. I had a job to get to.

  I REACHED MY office by noon. Not too bad considering the condition I was in this morning. I grappled with the hangover headache, one of many consequences I will have to deal with today due to my reckless behavior.

  My phone had gone off non-stop, no doubt after Tommy discovered I was gone. He was the last person I wanted to see right now. I’m shamed enough. I don’t need any reminders. I reached the executive floor where a trio of efficient receptionists were waiting to greet me. They liked to speak in unison, kind of creepy if you ask me, but they are perfectionists at their jobs. Like robots.

  Bot number one, I know as Cheryl. She is my go-to person when Roxy is occupied with the other thousand tasks I keep her busy with. Cheryl greets me with a Mocha Latte in hand, my messages in the other.

  “Good afternoon, Ms. Fairchild. May I take your briefcase and coat?” she asked.

  I simply nod and hand over my things and take my coffee and messages from her.

  “Ms. Fairchild, Mr. Steele would like to see you sometime today, and your calendar is cleared for the next hour before your meeting on the Kandinsky case.”

  “Okay, anything else?” I said as I made my way down to my office with Cheryl following closely behind.

  “Yes, one more thing. You have a visitor in your office.”

  I stopped and turned around, nearly colliding with Cheryl. My skin heated and my heart pounded. Please let it not be Tommy in there. I can’t face him right now. Of course, he’s a client and friend, and he wouldn’t be refused.

  “Who is it, Cheryl?” I bit my lip and got myself in check. I’m the tigress around here. Claws are always out. I can’t show this side to her, nor to anyone.

  “It’s a woman. A friend from home. She knew so much about you, I didn’t think it would be a problem having her wait in your office. Is there, Ms. Fairchild?”

  I do not answer her question and get right to the point. “Call up to Mr. Steele’s office. Give him my apologies for the short notice of cancelling our meeting. Explain that something unavoidable has come up, and I am needed elsewhere. I will call him at a more convenient time. Have Roxy hold my calls until further notice. Hang my coat before you wrinkle it, and do not disturb me. Are we clear?”

  “Yes, Ms. Fairchild,” Cheryl answered, and made a mad dash through reception.

  1, 2, 3, 4, 5… I took a deep breath before entering and stepping inside my office. My eyes scanned the room and saw no one. My chair was facing the window to my spectacular view of the city below. I said “Hello,” but heard no response back. I reached my desk and turned my chair to find it empty.

  “What the hell is going on?” I questioned, and then I questioned no more when the presence behind me scares me nearly to death.

  “Gotcha!”

  “What the fuck!” I screamed out, nearly spilling my coffee.

  “Watch your mouth, Tumbleweed. Is that anyway to welcome an old friend?” she asked with a devilish smile running along her face.

  “Wendy!!! You nearly gave me a heart attack. How are you here in my office? I only spoke to you yesterday, or was it last night?” My brain is still fuzzy from my over indulgence. “You actually got on a plane and came to New York. I don’t know what I find stranger? The shock of seeing you here in New York, or just the fact that you actually flew across the country.”

  “You want answers?”

  “That would be nice.”

  “Give me a proper hello, and then we will talk. We have a lot to discuss.”

  I put my coffee down and hugged the woman who was like a second mother to me. It was a warm embrace, the kind I cherished and took with me when I left home all those years ago.

  “Please, Wendy, have a seat. Can I get you anything to eat or drink?”

  “I’m fine, Tumbleweed. Let’s get down to it. Shall we?”

  “Wendy, why are you here? All the times I invited you for a visit, you always refused, and now I walk into my office and you’re here. Forgive me if I just take a moment to process all of this.”

  I sipped more of my coffee and tried to push down the raging headache that was pounding throughout my head right now.

  “To answer your question, I’m here because you are not where you are supposed to be.”

  “Which is where? Wyoming? I don’t live there anymore, and it is not where I am supposed to be.”

  I picked up my phone and summoned Cheryl to bring in my briefcase. She dutifully brings it and once again caters to Wendy, but Wendy politely refuses. I opened up my case and took out the FedEx envelope that contained Jamie’s letter.

  “Did you send this to me?” I asked.

  Wendy’s eyes roamed over the envelope in my hand, and they said it all.

  “Well? Did you send me a letter from my dead brother?”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Why? How could you do this to me, Wendy? You of all people knew how much I loved him. How could you pick the anniversary of his death to remind me of how much I have lost since he died? I never thought in all of my wildest dreams that you could hurt me like this. Why, dammit? Why did you do this?”

  I threw the letter at her, hitting her in her chest. She just sat there quiet and reserved until I was done with my outburst. A trait of hers I always hated and resented. She would always let us vent, and when it was over, she would never react, just calmly speak. She was doing it right now. Processing what I just said, and it was making me increasingly angry.

  “Are you finished?” she responded and waited for my answer.

  “No, I’m not. You haven’t answered my questions yet, so how could I be done?”

  “I will answer you when you calm down and listen…just listen. Can you do that? Because if you can’t, then this trip will truly be a waste of my time, and I would have let down the one person I vowed to help.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “Are you ready to listen?”

  I sat up and leaned forward in direct line to Wendy. “Do I have a choice?”

  “No, you don’t.”

  “I’m not a child, Wendy.”

  “Then stop acting like one. Are you ready to talk?”

  “Fine! Let’s get this over with.”

  “Well that’s a start. I can only assume by the condition of the letter that you have read it through and through and are left with many questions. I’m here to help you. I will do my best to answer your questions. It was never my intention to cause you any pain or suffering, Tumbleweed. He didn’t want that for you, and neither do I.”

  “Wendy, I am not in need of any help. I’m fine. What gives you the impression that I’m not what I say? I was doing just fine on my own until this letter appeared yesterday. You’re right, I read that letter multiple times, and I know what it says and what it means, but I can assure you that I’m fine. You can’t change the past, Wendy, nor do I want to. No, I’m wrong. If I could, he would be here right now, but that’s not how my story was written, now was it? I’m sorry you traveled all this way. Please allow me to buy you a first class ticket home.”

  I knew how I sounded, my stomach was coiling with my words. Hurting Wendy was the last thing I
wanted to do, but seeing her here was taking me down a road I did not wish to travel on.

  “Tenley, thank you for the offer, but when I leave New York, you will be leaving with me. This is not your home. This is your escape. You have been in your own witness protection program for the last five years, not allowing anyone in. That stops today. You have a family waiting for you to come home. They love you. They miss you. They need you.”

  “You are wrong, Wendy. The family I knew ceased to exist when I watched my brother get lowered into the ground. My parents were so lost in their grief, they didn’t even know I was there. My mother closed herself off, and my daddy worked his ranch. I grieved alone…they grieved alone. We should have been together, but it’s not what he wanted for me. He wanted me to finish school and make my dream come true. I made that promise to him, and I refused to let him down. If I spent every waking minute regretting and going over what I should be doing, or should have done, I would be at a dead end with no direction. You’re wrong, Wendy, I’m doing just fine. Everything I do in this life and how hard I work is for him.”

  “He has a name, you know. Say it. Say his name aloud, and stop treating him like he doesn’t exist.”

  “Stop it, Wendy.”

  “Stop what? Reminding you of what you left behind? Say his name.”

  “I know what I left behind, I don’t need a detailed report of it. I have my mother to remind me weekly by a phone call. Did you know she called me yesterday? Broke me down, bit by bit, until I drank myself into numbness, resulting into another catastrophic mistake. Dammit, Wendy! I’m not doing this with you. I can’t do this.”

  “Say his name,” she asked again.

  I remained silent, shut down, and fought back my tears.

  “Jamie!” she screamed. “His name was Jamie. He was your big brother. He loved you more than anything in the world. Jamie. Jamie. His name was Jamie. James Brockton Fairchild. Your brother. Yes, my sweet girl, Say it! Say his name. The conundrum you find yourself in is sad. Losing Jamie was sad. A sadness never forgotten, not just by you, Tenley but for all of us. Say his name. You can’t, can you? Because if you do, then you are allowing yourself to feel. Feel the love you have for him, or the loss you felt when he died. The anger that still lives inside of you because you weren’t there. You were living your life thousands of miles away, while he was dying.”

  “Stop it! I can’t hear any more of this. You are supposed to love me, Wendy! Why are you doing this to me?”

  I wrapped my arms around my chest and let my tears fall down in front of her.

  “Please stop,” I said once more.

  “No, Tenley, I can’t. If I do, that would mean I’m going back on my word, and I will not break my promise to him.”

  “Like me Wendy? Is that what you were going to say?”

  “Oh Tenley? Where is my girl? Come back to us, please? Don’t you see sweetheart? Why the tears? It’s because you are still feeling the same guilt you felt back then. You still feel it because you couldn’t save him from something so powerful beyond any of our control. Cancer. It’s an ugly word, and sadly, it invaded your family and took someone you love away from you. The reason for the letter you ask? It’s really quite simple: your brother knew you better than anyone else. He knew you would take his death hard, but he never gave up hope on you finding the happiness you deserve. He wanted so many things for you, but he was running out of time. So he spent his last days penning letters to you and leaving me with instructions to carry them out. He did that…for you. Because he loved you that much. That’s why I’m here, Tenley. I’m here to bring you home. Don’t make me a liar. I have never broken a promise, so please don’t make me begin today.”

  “You said ‘letters,’ so…you have more?”

  “I do.”

  “Where are they? I want them, Wendy.”

  “With all I have just said, that’s all you heard? Yes, there are more letters, but you are not ready to have them. They are in safekeeping and will remain there until I feel you are ready for the next one.”

  “Why are you doing this to me Wendy?” The sound of my sadness was too hard for me to listen over my tears that were falling.

  “Unbelievable! You keep asking the same question over and over again. I believe I just stated my reasons in living color. You ask why I’m doing this to you. No, Tenley, I’m doing this for you. You are so lost right now, and sadly, you don’t even see it. Sure you have the career you wanted. The big office to reign in, but are you happy? Really happy? These things can be achieved, but where it matters most can only be found.”

  She walked around my desk and placed her hand over my heart.

  “Don’t you see, Tumbleweed? You are so closed off in here that you never get beyond the pain. You’ve built a fortress around you to keep the bad from getting in. It’s a hurt none of us wanted to go through, but sadly that is not our reality. You lost your brother to something so much bigger than the both of you. You lost the love of your life, because it was your loss and pain that kept you from turning around and running toward him. This is why I sent Jamie’s letter to you, because it was time. How many more years are going to go by before you face what drove you away in the first place? You chose wrong, baby girl. You need to come home. Make things right with your parents. Find closure in Jamie’s death. Forgive yourself for living. Forgive yourself for surviving. You saved your brother once and gave him his life back. It is not your fault that he got sick again. You need to forgive yourself and find you again. Not this pale version you show here, but the real you. The girl we used to know but never stopped loving and hoping she would come back to us.”

  I got up and threw myself into Wendy’s arms. I held her so tightly and cried. For the first time in a long while, I just cried.

  “Say his name.” she whispered in my ear as she still held me.

  “Jamie,” I whispered back.

  “That’s a start. I love you, Tumbleweed. I always have, and I always will.”

  “I love you, too. Wendy, I feel it in my gut that there’s more to you being here than just my brother. Why am I needed home? You stated the obvious, but I’m a pretty good lawyer and I know when someone—even you—are not being truthful. Please don’t blindside me again. If you want me to come home, I need more answers.”

  She brushed my hair off my face and stroked my cheek lovingly looking into my eyes like a mother would. She never had children of her own. She always used to say that she would share us with our parents, but we could easily be sent home and they could do the harder stuff. I still smile at that one because Wendy was always there for me, no matter how small or big my problems were. My mother was almost jealous, but I loved them both.

  I waited for Wendy to speak. I gave her the time she needed, but her expression was pained. I wiped my tears as she placed her hands on my shoulders and looked directly into my eyes. I was preparing myself for the worse.

  “Jagger needs you. There was an accident, and he’s in a coma.”

  If I didn’t feel the beats of my heart under my skin, I would have believed time had truly stopped and I was dead. He’s in a coma? I knew I heard her the first time, but I asked again.

  “He’s in a coma?!? What kind of accident put him in a coma? Wendy, please?”

  “Jagger and Shane were driving the horses up to the north ridge of the Parrish Ranch. It was a storm, a big one, and it was fierce. Hours earlier after they finished up at your place, and by the time they got the herd in on the Parrish ranch, they were in the middle of it. They were side by side until Jagger’s horse threw him. He was thrown I don’t know how many feet and rolled down into the embankment below. That basin is deep and lined with branches and rocks. It literally swallowed him up. Shane tried to reach him, but he fell further. It was hours before they found him. They got lucky. Some say it was Jamie, protecting him until help could arrive. Your mother calls him their guardian angel. When the storm had finally let up the search began. He was down by the river and nearly dead. He was pretty
banged up with cuts and bruises all over his body. It is a miracle his body wasn’t shattered by the fall. He only sustained a broken leg and some busted ribs.”

  “Why the coma? Did he hit his head on the rocks below?”

  “He had hematoma on his brain after the fall, but that’s healed by now. He’s breathing on his own, but hasn’t awakened yet. That was over three weeks ago. The doctors are hoping for a miracle.”

  “So, what? I’m the miracle? Are you thinking that if you bring me home and to him, that he will suddenly hear my voice, the angels will sing, and he will awaken?”

  “Something like that,” Wendy responded, shrugging her shoulders with not an ounce of doubt in her voice.

  “Oh my God! You are waging on something you will not win. Even if this were to happen, how could you think he would even want me there? I broke his heart when I refused him, not once, but twice. I am the last person he would ever want help from.”

  “You’re wrong again. He loves you. Never stopped. He told me so.”

  “He told you? When?”

  “It doesn’t matter on the when. Just know that he loves you, and you now have the second chance Jamie always wanted for you. Take it, Tenley. Stop running. Stop hiding. And come home. My plane leaves at six o’clock out of LaGuardia.”

  “Wendy, before I travel anywhere, I need some time to process all of this and speak with my boss. I have responsibilities here. I just can’t leave on a whim. Will you give me that?”

  “I can, Tenley, but you have to give me something in return.”

  “Wendy, you are not being fair. You just can’t expect me to walk out of my life and go back to a place I no longer consider my home.”

  “Why? You’ve done it before. This should be easy for you.”

  “Now you’re being cruel. Don’t you ever think for one minute me leaving Wyoming was easy on me. Jamie practically forced me out of the state because he didn’t want me to see him die. I would have given anything to stay. A phone call was made, and I was on a plane. I cried the entire time. A ranch hand greeted me at the gate. Where the hell were my parents when I needed them! I’ll tell you, Wendy, they were gone. Wallowing in their own pain and leaving no room for me. I tried to be the good daughter, do what they wanted, but I was alone. You say I have a fortress around my heart? Well it doesn’t take a fucking genius to figure out how it got there.”