Monogamy

by Susan X Meagher

  "You could go with her when she travels," Jamie said.

  "On what? She’ll make around $30,000, and she’s got to pay for her own housing and meals. That doesn’t leave much money to be buying me plane tickets for everywhere on earth."

  "But what about her modeling money?" Jamie asked. "I know she has to make a good buck for that."

  "She does, but she’s trying to put that money aside to pay for graduate school. She wants to get a master’s degree when she’s done playing, and she doesn’t want to be saddled with a lot of student loans."

  "You two are very creative people," Jamie said. "I know you can figure this out. Heck, you could go to grad school in Colorado, and that would keep you busy while Jordan was playing. Then you’d have the credentials to get a good job and support her while she was in grad school. You’ve got to put your minds to it, honey."

  "Yeah … I guess. It just seems like there are so many barriers, James. It depresses the hell out of me."

  "I know," Jamie sighed. "If I didn’t have Ryan nearby, I’d go bonkers; so I really do understand."

  "Who knew being in love with such a wonderful woman could suck so bad?" Mia asked, getting out of the cart and grumbling to herself as she walked to the next tee.

  Mia’s sour mood didn’t last long, and when Jamie walked back to the cart after her tee shot on 9 she couldn’t help but see the smirk that her friend was trying to hide. "What’s funny?"

  "Nothing … nothing at all," the curly-haired woman said.

  "Come on. I know that look, and I know that I’m the butt of the joke. Spill it."

  "Well, butt is the operative word," Mia said, trying to look innocent.

  "Mia … out with it!"

  "Okay," she said, still trying not to laugh. "Did you know that you wiggled your butt right before you swing?"

  "I do not!"

  "Yeah, you do. You always have. It’s part of your swing – no big deal. But I’ve been watching Juliet try to get into position to watch you without anyone else see her do it. That time she almost broke her neck when she backed into the ball washer." Mia was smiling brightly, but Jamie’s expression did not match hers.

  "Damn it! I’m gonna have to have a talk with her! I refuse to let her gawk at me."

  "What can you say?" Mia asked, still chuckling. "She’s very subtle about it, James. She’ll know I ratted her out."

  Scowling, Jamie crossed her arms over her chest. "I’ll have to wait until I catch her."

  After the round, the pair went to a nearby coffee bar to warm up. The afternoon had grown chilly, and there was a definite hint of rain in the air. "Well, that was an all-time sucko round," Jamie said, looking at her scorecard. "I had a 35 going out and a 50 coming in." She looked up at her friend and said, "Of course, trying to swing without wiggling my butt might have contributed to my stellar play." Rapping Mia over the head with the card, she said, "Thanks for totally messing up my swing, pal. I never knew that my butt was the key to my success."

  "Why do you think this bothers you, James? She’s not being aggressive or anything. She thinks you’re cute. Why is that so awful?"

  Jamie sighed and rested her head on the table, mumbling into the wood. "I don’t know. I just can’t stand the thought of someone looking at me without my permission."

  Laughing, Mia said, "James! You’ve had the majority of the press corps taking your picture for over a month, and you got through that without much trouble."

  Looking at her friend for a moment, Jamie said, "That didn’t bother me as much because those weren’t people in my life – if that makes any sense. Juliet is a teammate, Mia. She’s someone who I wanted to get closer to, to bond with. I don’t want to feel like an object with someone that I let inside my circle of friends." She shook her head and sat up, running her hands through her hair. "I don’t know. I don’t have a lot of patience lately. I’m not sleeping well again, and it’s pretty darned easy to piss me off."

  Reaching across the table, Mia slipped her fingers through Jamie’s and held her hand. "Tell me why you’re not sleeping well."

  "Oh, it’s the usual," the blonde said, giving Mia a resigned shrug. "I have a couple of good days, then I have a few nights in a row where I have nightmares. They scare me, and make me afraid to go back to sleep."

  "Are the nightmares about the …"

  "Yeah, they’re about the carjacking in some variation. Last night was a new one, though. In this one, we were in the boat with the paramedics and I was struggling to regain consciousness. I finally focused on Ryan, and saw that she was crying hysterically. When she saw I was awake, she looked at me with an expression I’ll never forget and said, "We lost Caitlin."

  "Oh, God, James! What a horrible dream!"

  "The worst part was that I was the one who’d lost her. I’d been holding her, and she’d slipped out of my arms. It was all my fault," Jamie whispered, as tears started to run down her cheeks.

  Mia scooted her chair around and wrapped her friend in a hug. "Shh … it’s okay, baby. Caitlin’s fine. You saved her."

  "I know," Jamie sniffed. "But at night, my imagination goes wild. I’ve been through every variation possible, Mia. Some nights I die and I feel my soul hovering over my body while Ryan beats on my chest to make me breathe again. That one is so horrible," she whispered. "Seeing the pain on her face breaks my heart – and I want to come back so badly … but I can’t. I feel myself slipping into an unfathomable darkness, and my last thought is that I’ll never see my Ryan again."

  "Oh, James, that’s so horrible," Mia said, tightening her hug.

  "It’s even worse when she dies," Jamie murmured, her voice choked with tears. "She’s died every way possible in my nightmares, Mia. She’s gotten caught on the submerged car; one of the carjackers fights with her and knocks her out and she drowns; she’s fallen off the car – and I see her land and split her head open; and they shoot her through the roof of the car. Oh, and I had a doozy where each of us was killed – in a dark alley, execution style – and I was last. I got to watch both Ryan and Caitie die."

  "You poor, poor thing," Mia soothed, rocking Jamie in her arms. "I didn’t know it was still so bad for you."

  Jamie sat up, trying to regain her composure. "It comes and goes," she said. "Ryan’s doing pretty well this week. When I wake up, she’s usually sound asleep. It’s like one of us gets worse when the other one gets better." Wiping her eyes with a napkin, she said, "Anna says this will pass, but it’s awful while I’m in the middle of it."

  "Have you told Ryan that you’re having nightmares again?" Mia asked.

  "Huh-uh. She’s just starting to get some of her equilibrium back, and having her worrying about me won’t help a bit. It also won’t stop me from having nightmares," she said glumly.

  Mia reached out and touched Jamie’s chin, lifting it so she could see her eyes. "Am I your best friend?"

  "Yes, of course you are."

  "Then let me act like it. The next time you have a bad nightmare, I want you to come wake me up. I haven’t been through what you and Ryan have, James – I’m not all stressed and wrung out like you two are. I have the capacity, and I’d like to help you get through this. Knowing you’re not alone and knowing that you can talk to someone might help."

  Jamie gazed into Mia’s eyes for a moment, seeing that her friend was very serious about her offer. "All right," she said, nodding her head. "That might help. Lying there in bed and feeling so alone makes it a lot worse. Talking to someone who’s not running on empty emotionally would really be helpful." Hugging her friend soundly, Jamie said, "Thanks."

  "Don’t mention it, James. We’re all in this together, babe."

  Jamie woke at her normal time on Wednesday, and automatically reached out to cuddle for a few minutes before she had to get up. But her cuddle partner was notably absent, and Ryan’s side of the bed was cold. Jamie sat up and switched on the bedside light, squinting against the brightness. There, atop Ryan’s pillow, was a pithy note.

  5:30 – we
nt riding. Love you, R

  Well, given that it’s 6:05 and still dark out, she’d better be using her headlamp. Damn, if it’s not one thing to worry about with her, it’s another.

  Taking the quickest shower of her life, Jamie got dressed and drove around the streets of their neighborhood, finally finding Ryan about four blocks from their house. She didn’t chase her down, since it was nearly time for golf practice, but she had to reassure herself that Ryan was all right. Well, this is going to be fun. I’ll get to lie in bed and worry about her, then have to track her down before I can go to practice. No coffee, no breakfast … I should be in great spirits today. Shit! I may as well do the damned ride with her!

  That afternoon, Jamie sat in Anna’s office, her mood having grown darker over the course of the day. "I know that I can’t make Ryan give up her plans to participate in the AIDS Ride, but I’m spending so much of my energy worrying about her! I know that’s why my nightmares are back."

  "I take it you’ve told Ryan this?" Anna asked.

  Jamie shook her head. "No, I haven’t." She sat quietly for a moment, then looked at the therapist and said, "One of the reasons we have a good relationship is because I give Ryan the freedom she needs. The problem is that she needs a lot of freedom – and when it comes to something like this – her needs and my needs can’t both be satisfied."

  "So … does that mean that your needs have to be ignored?" Anna asked.

  "No," Jamie said a little tentatively. "Not … ignored. But this is an either/or situation. Either Ryan trains as much as she can so she can do the ride properly, or she cuts back and risks injuring herself."

  "There’s another option, Jamie, and I think it should be on the table as well."

  "Yeah? What’s that?" the younger woman asked.

  "You can let Ryan know how much you’re worried about her, and try to find an alternative to her doing the ride."

  The blonde head was shaking before Anna finished her sentence. "She knows I don’t think it’s wise for her to do this. But it’s truly important to her."

  "And she’s important to you, Jamie. Given what you’ve told me about Ryan, I can’t imagine she’d intentionally participate in something that was causing you a lot of distress. I have a feeling that you haven’t made clear to her how much this is worrying you."

  "No, you’re right," she said softly. "I haven’t let her know that." She shook her head again and asked, "Is being in a relationship ever easy?"

  "Yes," Anna said, smiling. "And when you’re feeling better, you’ll get your perspective back and remember how easy it sometimes is." Anna’s eyes crinkled up as her smile grew. "You have to realize that you’ve chosen a woman who will always challenge your patience, Jamie."

  "You don’t think this is a phase, huh?" Jamie asked, a smirk forming.

  "No, Ryan sounds like the type who will always be a handful. But, I have a feeling that’s one of her attributes that appeals to you. You don’t seem like the kind of woman who would be satisfied with a predictable, stodgy partner."

  "Stodgy and Ryan don’t belong in the same sentence," Jamie admitted, a smile finally beginning to form.

  After her session, Jamie went over to the softball stadium and hunkered down in the warmest, least windy corner. Ashley arrived about an hour later, and came over to sit by her friend. "I just stopped by on my way home," the younger woman said. "It’s too cold for me!"

  "It’s awful out," Jamie agreed, her body shivering.

  "Why don’t you go home?? They sure aren’t doing anything very interesting."

  "Yeah, I probably will," Jamie said. "I’ll leave in a few."

  "Okay." Ashley got up and said, "I’ll see you when it warms up a bit. Don’t freeze!"

  As Jamie watched her go, she rolled her eyes as she considered what she was doing. You can’t keep her in your sight every minute, Jamie. Sitting here in the cold to keep an eye on her is stupid! You know darned well that she’s going to go ride that damned bike for an hour after practice, and you can’t follow her around in the car. You’ve got to let go!

  After returning from her pre-dawn bike ride the next morning, Ryan reached her mother-in-law. "I’ve got three hours available from eleven to two," she said. "Is that enough time to go to the best jewelry store you know?"

  "Hmm … no, that won’t do, since it’s in Rome," Catherine drawled. "But that’s ample time to go to the best jewelry store in the Bay Area."

  "Great! Should I come pick you up?"

  "No, it’s in the city, dear. I’ll meet you. Now, let me in on what you’re planning to buy. Are you looking for matching bands?"

  Ryan smiled broadly, even though Catherine couldn’t see her. "Oh, no. Jamie will want to continue to wear my mother’s wedding band. I want to buy her an engagement ring, Catherine. A ring special enough that Jamie will proudly wear it forever."

  "Oh, Ryan," Catherine chided. "If it came from you, Jamie would be pleased to wear a ring from a Cracker Jack box."

  "Maybe," the younger woman allowed, "but it’s important to me that she have something really nice."

  "Then, I’m your woman," Catherine said. "Really nice is my specialty."

  Mia was up for a shopping trip as well, and the three of them arrived at Catherine’s jeweler of choice just after eleven. "Mrs. Evans," the elegantly dressed man murmured as they were admitted to the small store located on the upper floor of a building near Union Square. "It’s wonderful to see you again," he said, giving her a wink to show that he remembered to be discreet, careful not to mention that Catherine and Jamie had an appointment for the following Monday to purchase Ryan’s ring.

  "Thank you, Jeffrey," Catherine said. "This is Ryan O’Flaherty," she said, "and our friend, Mia Christopher."

  "Pleased to meet you," he said to each woman.

  "Ryan is in the market to purchase a ring for my daughter, Jeffrey." Ryan raised an eyebrow at the relaxed way that Catherine announced this fact, but she was very pleased by it.

  "Marvelous," he said, acting like he was very used to women buying women engagement rings. "We have every style and size stone that you could wish for. Would you like to begin by looking at some diamonds?"

  "I think so," Ryan said. She turned to her companions and asked, "Jamie’s a diamond kinda girl, isn’t she?"

  Catherine and Mia shared a look, then both of them said, "Or an emerald."

  "Really?" Ryan asked. "We’ve never discussed this, so I have no idea what would appeal to her."

  "Well, she and I talked about it until I was ready to gag her," Mia said. "When she and Jack were getting serious, we went to every jewelry store in town; and she always gravitated towards the emeralds."

  "Hmm … but she didn’t wear an emerald when she was engaged," Ryan mused. "She wore Jack’s grandmother’s diamond ring."

  "Yeah, and she was perfectly happy with it," Mia said. "It didn’t bother her one bit that it was a dated style, with a tiny diamond. She was touched that it meant so much to Jack, and that he wanted to share it with her."

  "What do you think, Catherine? Would Jamie prefer an emerald? That is," she scowled slightly, "if I can afford one."

  "I don’t want to influence you too much, Ryan," Catherine said. "I meant it when I said that Jamie would love anything that you gave her." She gazed at her daughter-in-law for a long moment and decided, "If I had to make the choice, though, I’d choose an emerald. She’s spoken of emeralds as her favorite stones ever since she was a young girl." Smiling at Ryan, she added, "Besides, diamonds are fairly traditional. And neither of you seems too bound by tradition."

  Jeffrey caught Ryan’s eye and said, "Let me go to my safe and bring out a selection of diamonds and emeralds. Seeing the stones might help you decide between the two."

  As he left, Catherine said, "Don’t let the cost influence you, Ryan. You’re only going to buy a stone like this once in your life. I’m sure Jamie wouldn’t want the price to even cross your mind."

  Ryan cleared her throat and revealed her plan to
her mother-in-law. "I’m not using our money, Catherine." At Catherine’s raised eyebrow she extracted a small, blue, dog-eared document and said, "All of the money I have in the world is in this bank account. This represents the savings that I’ve been accumulating since I started to baby-sit when I was 13."

  Catherine looked from the bankbook back to Ryan’s sober face, urging her to go on.

  "I won’t spend more than I need to, of course, but I’d like to use this all to buy Jamie something very special."

  "Oh, Ryan! Jamie wouldn’t want you to do that! I’m sure of it!"

  "It’s what I want to do, Catherine. Really," she insisted, the determined look in her eyes emphasizing her point. "I want to make a statement with this gift – I want to show Jamie that I’m giving up all of my worldly goods to commit myself to her. I’m not sure why this means so much to me," she said, "but I want to see her wearing the evidence of everything I have – for the rest of her life."

  Catherine slid her arms around the earnest young woman, repeating an oft-expressed feeling. "I’m so glad that she found you, Ryan. You are such a gift."

  "I don’t give my heart away easily, Catherine," she said. "Jamie deserves everything that I have to give."

  A very discreet clearing of his throat announced that Jeffrey had returned, and before Ryan could make her way back to the counter, Mia was eagerly sorting through his selections.

  The threesome used all of their allotted time, but by 1:30, Ryan was completely satisfied. Catherine and Mia agreed with her selections wholeheartedly, and after measuring Mia’s ring finger – which was exactly the same size as Jamie’s – they departed the small shop.

  "When will you give her the ring?" Catherine asked.

  "On her birthday." Catherine’s eyes involuntarily widened, and Ryan raised an eyebrow and asked, "That’s not a good day?"

  Hmm … Jamie’s going to ask Ryan on Valentine’s Day. It would work out better if they both did it on the same day.

  Luckily, Mia was thinking the same thing, and she came to her rescue. "Jack broke up with her on her birthday last year, Ryan. Why don’t you do it on Valentine’s Day instead?"