Monogamy

by Susan X Meagher

  "Isn’t that a little cliché?" she asked.

  "No! I think Jamie would prefer it," Catherine said, both she and Mia nodding in unison.

  "She’ll love it," Mia said once again. "We’ve talked about this, Ryan." When Ryan continued to look doubtful, Mia said, "Trust me – it’s a girl thing."

  "Oh! Okay, then," she said, as they walked to the elevator lobby. "I don’t know where I was when they were handing out the girl lessons, but I seem to have missed every one of ‘em."

  "You were probably at softball practice," Mia teased, getting a pinch in the side for her suggestion.

  A very tall, very large woman, holding the hand of a much more diminutive one, walked down a dark, damp street just south of Market, heading back to their hard-won parking space. The attractive brunette smiled at her substantial friend and said, "You were a very good sport to agree to take my car tonight."

  Ally chuckled softly, squeezing Sara’s hand as they approached the red Toyota Spyder convertible. "Well, you were a good sport to buy me dinner at such a nice place. Besides, I fit into the car just fine, although, I wouldn’t recommend it when it rains."

  "I thought you were kidding when you said that we had to have the top down. You weren’t!"

  "Nope. I don’t think I fit into the demographic model that car manufacturers in Japan use."

  "It’s actually a little close for me," Sara said. "The BMW was more my size, but I couldn’t make myself buy it. Something about a young lawyer, living in the Marina, and driving a BMW that I couldn’t stomach."

  When they reached the car, they worked together to drop the top, then they sped off down the street. The air was cool and moist, and there was an acrid, stale smell to the streets down in SOMA. Ally commented, "This comes fairly close to riding my motorcycle. You can still smell the city and hear what’s going on all around you."

  The smaller woman cocked her head and her eyes narrowed a bit. "You have a bike … and you haven’t mentioned it before now? This is critical … no … vital information, Ms. Webster. What else are you hiding from me?"

  Seeing the gentle humor in the dark brown eyes, Ally chuckled softly. "I swear I wasn’t holding out on you. It hasn’t come up. But I’ll take you for a spin the first chance I get."

  "Oh, you’ll take me for a spin, all right." Sara reached over and gave Ally’s arm a squeeze. "There’s no doubt about that." They rode along in silence for a few minutes, until Sara gave her friend a tentative smile and slid her hand from her arm down to her thigh. "Do you mind?" she asked softly.

  One corner of her mouth curled up in a grin as Ally took the hand and moved it higher, placing it nearly at the apex of her legs. "Not a bit," she said, leveling her gaze.

  Sara nearly gasped at the frank, open desire that radiated from Ally, hitting her body like a laser. Deciding to see where things led, she swallowed and asked, "Are you ready to go home? Or would you like to stay up and … talk for a while?"

  "I’d like to talk," Ally said, placing her hand upon Sara’s and squeezing it gently.

  "Let’s go to my apartment. I have a parking space."

  "A permanent parking space in the Marina," Ally drawled. "That enhances your already substantial allure."

  Sara gave her a raised eyebrow glance, seeing the other woman looking at her with thinly veiled interest. Now we’re getting somewhere, she said, guiding the little car down the wet streets as quickly as possible.

  Sara tossed her keys onto the tiny table by the front door and shrugged out of her raincoat. "Let me hang up your jacket."

  Ally handed it over and walked into the kitchen. "I’d love some water. Do you have any in the fridge?"

  "Help yourself," Sara said, coming into the room behind her. "I’d like one, too."

  Ally took two bottles and politely opened both, then handed one to Sara. The brunette grasped her friend’s free hand and led her into the living room, sitting very close to her on the sofa. "So … what do you want to … talk about?" she asked softly as she started to place tiny kisses on her jaw line.

  Ally blinked slowly, looking like she was reminding herself of something as her head shook firmly. "I … I think we do have something to talk about, Sara," she said, her voice growing earnest. "We need to talk about Ryan and … other things."

  "Ryan?" Sara asked, her head cocking slightly. "Why do we have to talk about Ryan?"

  "I uhm … don’t want to do this either, Sara, but I think we have to."

  "O … okay," Sara said, shifting away from Ally and looking at her warily.

  The larger woman cleared her throat, then sat up a little straighter. Following a long drink from her water bottle, she looked at Sara and began, "I know she was and is important to you, and she’s important to me, too. I want to … make sure that we aren’t fooling ourselves, here. I want to be sure that we’re not interested in each other because we can’t have her." She said this very quietly, looking slightly embarrassed.

  Tilting the bottle of water to her mouth, Sara took a long, slow drink, trying to clear her head as the water slid down her throat. Blowing out a stream of air from her pursed lips, she said, "I uhm … I could have had her, Ally. She was mine for the asking for almost seven years. I’m the last person in the world who can claim that she didn’t get the chance to be with Ryan."

  Ally shook her head in question, her brow furrowing a bit as she did so. "I don’t think I realized …" she started to say, but Sara patted her leg and continued.

  "I’ve never talked to Ryan about this, and I don’t think I ever will," the brunette said thoughtfully. "I’ve given this so much thought over the past few months, that my head hurts to even talk about it."

  "I still think we ought to …"

  "I agree, Ally. I’m only trying to show you that this isn’t something that just occurred to me. I’ve searched my soul over this."

  Scooting a little closer, Ally placed her hand on Sara’s shoulder. "I’m sorry I interrupted. Go ahead."

  "As much thought as I’ve given to this, I can only come up with one explanation for why I let her go." She turned and gazed into Ally’s warm eyes and said, "I don’t think I ever felt worthy of her." Her eyes closed as she let out a heavy sigh. "I was a year older than her, but from the first time I met her, she was like the older, smarter, more talented kid. Yes, she was my best friend, yes I loved her … but I was always slightly intimidated by her. I always felt like she’d wake up one day and see that I wasn’t who she thought I was." Tears came to her eyes and she wiped at them angrily. "Talk about your self-fulfilling prophecies." She shook her head roughly, a few tears flying from her eyes at the gesture. "If I had only trusted myself, Ryan could have helped me get over my fears and my insecurities, but I ran from them, Ally. I ran from her, and I ran from my sexuality, and I ran from ever letting anyone know me well. I … didn’t … deserve … her."

  "Hey …" Ally tossed an arm around her shoulders and pulled her close, letting her comforting warmth soothe the shaken woman. "Don’t be so hard on yourself."

  "I’m not, I’m really not. I’m being honest. I’ve grown up a lot over the last few years, Ally. I like myself better. If I met Ryan today I think we might have a chance, but that can’t happen. Even if we were both single, I’m certain that it’s too late. I’d never get over my guilt for hurting her like I did, and I can’t imagine that she’d ever truly forgive me." She paused for a second and a small smile slipped out. "Well, she’d probably forgive me. She’s extraordinary like that. But I know that it couldn’t work – as much as I would want it to."

  "Hold on." Ally held a hand up, shaking her head quickly. "I don’t know what went on between you two. I don’t know how you hurt her."

  Taking a breath, Sara looked at her friend for nearly a minute. "Do you want to know what happened?"

  In the blink of an eye, Ally shook her head decisively. "No, I don’t. I don’t want to know what happened between the two of you, and I don’t want to tell you much about what went on between Ryan and me. That�
��s intensely personal stuff, Sara, and I can’t imagine it would help either of us to learn it. All I want to know is how you feel about her now."

  Her brown eyes closed and she forced herself to be entirely honest. "If I could change the world, I’d be with her until the day I died. But I can’t." She looked down and blinked slowly. "It’s going to take me a while to completely purge her from my system, but I’m resolved, Ally. She’s in the right relationship for her, and I hope it lasts for their whole lives. I’m ready to move on, and I’m not attracted to you because you’ve known Ryan. You have your own special allure that isn’t at all reminiscent of her."

  "Thank you," Ally said softly, her warm Southern accent sending tickles of delight down Sara’s spine. "Wanna hear my story?"

  "Well, it’s obvious from the way you kiss her when you see each other that you were sexual together, but it didn’t work out, or you’d be together now. Anything else critical that I should know?"

  "No," the larger woman said. "That about covers it." Her expression grew serious, and she said, "You know, if I could change the world I’d be with Ryan, too." She sighed and let her mouth curl into a gentle grin. "I wonder how many women in the Bay Area have had that very thought?"

  "Probably quite a few. I’ve gotten the distinct impression that she got around quite a bit before Jamie tamed her."

  Ally twitched her head nervously and said, "Uhm … we’re the only two to fall under her spell."

  Sara chuckled mildly and said, "She’s damned near irresistible, Ally. I can’t imagine who wouldn’t be attracted to her, and Ryan’s always had a big appetite. I can’t imagine her appetite for women wasn’t as voracious as her desire for everything else."

  "No comment," Ally said. "She and I both have a rather sordid past." Giving Sara a shy look, she asked, "Does it bother you that I’ve been with more than a few women?"

  "No, no, it doesn’t. If we get serious I’d need to be sure you could be monogamous, but I don’t see why your past is any of my business."

  Ally leaned forward and brushed her lips gently across Sara’s. "I’m already monogamous. I haven’t felt the slightest attraction for anyone else since the day I met you."

  "I … I haven’t either," Sara murmured, pulling Ally close and returning the kiss with gentle intensity.

  Pulling away, Ally grasped Sara’s hand and looked into her eyes, saying, "There is something else I need to talk about, and your kisses make me lose my train of thought."

  "Name it," the brunette said, giving the larger hand a squeeze.

  "I’ve been talking to my therapist about you," she said, making Sara’s stomach flip. "She’s a little worried about my motivations for being with you."

  "Go on," Sara said, her stomach churning at what she feared was bad news.

  "This is embarrassing for me to talk about, Sara, but I need for you to know what’s in my head." She continued, "I have a tendency to be pretty dominant with women. It’s something that I’ve struggled with, because being dominant is too reminiscent of how my brother was with me. I’m trying – very hard – to avoid getting into another relationship where I’m on top all of the time."

  The smaller woman nodded, waiting to see if her friend was finished speaking. "I understand that, Ally, I do. I can see that you might be more comfortable if you try not to re-create those dynamics." Sara draped an arm around her shoulders and said, "I worked as a volunteer with a rape crisis help line when I was at Berkeley. I’m not an expert by any means, but I do know that your brother wasn’t merely dominating you – he raped you. That’s a very long way down the road from dominance."

  "I know that." Ally’s voice sounded rough and dry, and she nervously jiggled her empty bottle as she got up. "More water. Need anything?"

  Sara shook her head and watched as her friend’s posture and gait transformed from their usual confident ease into a slow, almost halting way of moving. She sat down inelegantly, then leaned back against the couch. "I want to get rid of all of this. I want to be able to make love with a woman and not have to worry about who’s doing what. But I have no idea how to get there."

  "How long have you been working on this?" Sara’s voice was soft and gentle, soothing Ally a little.

  "Not very. About 7 months, I suppose. I’ve been in therapy for a long time – but I had a lot of things on my agenda. This is the first time we’ve been able to get to my dominance issues."

  "Have you always felt the need to be dominant, Ally? Even when you were first having sex with other girls?"

  "Always," she said quietly, staring blankly at the floor. "The first time … the very first time … I tied the girl’s hands with a sheet."

  "You didn’t do that against her will," Sara said, the confidence and sureness in her voice startling her friend.

  "How do you know that? How can you possibly know that?" Her eyes were wide, and bore a childlike wonder that made Sara want to hold her in her arms and make all of her pain disappear.

  Wrapping both arms around the broad shoulders, Sara leaned close and whispered into Ally’s ear, "You would never … ever do to another woman what your brother did to you. I know that about you, Ally. I know that in my soul." Suddenly, the powerful shoulders began to shake violently, and she began to sob. Sara held her close, murmuring soothing words into her flushed ears. "I trust you, Ally. I know you have a very gentle soul. You’ve been hurt, but you wouldn’t hurt others. Not you, sweetheart, not you."

  The tear-streaked face lifted, and red-rimmed gray eyes gazed at Sara for a long while. "Do you trust me?"

  "Completely," Sara said immediately. "We’ll work together, and we’ll find a way that both of us can be comfortable. We will, Ally. Trust me."

  "I do," she whispered. "I really do." She looked down again and said, "I worry that you won’t be able to wait for me."

  "I’ve told you before that I’m very patient. I meant that." Sara kissed her forehead, letting her lips linger on the skin for a moment. "We’ll get there, Ally."

  The larger woman lay back against the couch again, looking thoroughly wrung-out. "I’m beat, but I hate to make you drive me home. I’ll call a cab."

  "Why don’t you stay?" Sara asked. At Ally’s stunned look, she clarified. "You’re tired, and so am I. I’m feeling a little raw from talking about this, and I bet you are, too. Why don’t we comfort each other tonight?"

  "I’ve … I’ve never slept … just slept … with a woman. I’m not sure I can relax enough to comfort you, or to let you comfort me." She looked terribly sad at this admission, but Sara did her best to reassure her.

  "We don’t have to touch. Really. I only want to be close." She kissed her cheek and added, "I want to hear you breathe."

  Summoning her courage, Ally nodded. "Okay. Do you have a T-shirt that might fit me?"

  "Yeah. I can fix you up. I like to sleep in extra large T-shirts, and I’m sure one of them will fit you."

  Ally stood and wrapped her arms around Sara, giving her a gentle squeeze. "Thank you. For everything."

  Kissing her gently, again, just on the cheek, Sara took her hand and led her into her bedroom. Rummaging through a drawer stuffed with shirts, she pulled one out and extended it. "I’m not the neatest person in the world, but it’s clean." Letting her eyes slide down Ally’s body, she asked, "You don’t need bottoms, do you? My sweats wouldn’t go to your shins."

  "No, I’m fine. Let me get changed." The larger woman ducked into the bath, feeling her heart rate rising precipitously. She calmed herself as well as she could and changed into the red, Stanford Law T-shirt, leaving on her pink and white striped cotton boxers. Poking her head out, she asked, "Spare toothbrush?"

  Before the words were out of her mouth, a brush was in her hand. "I just went to the dentist," Sara said. "Compliments of my hygienist."

  Chuckling, Ally finished her bedtime preparations and went back into the bedroom, trying not to look at the long T-shirt that covered Sara’s body. She looked so profoundly alluring in the thigh-length shirt, that
Ally could feel her pulse start to race, but she knew this was not the night to start experimenting with each other, so she tried to tamp down her lust. "Bathroom’s all yours. Thanks for the brush."

  Sara walked up to her and kissed her gently, tickling her lips with the tip of her tongue. "I’ll save it for you. It might come in handy again," she said, her voice dropping into a decidedly sultry range. She left Ally standing in the middle of the room, hoping that her shaking legs would carry her the three feet to the bed.

  Luckily, her legs propelled her properly, and she was firmly clinging to the far edge of the queen-sized mattress when Sara emerged. The smaller woman slid into the bed, staying a respectful distance away. "Is this okay?" Sara asked softly.

  "Yeah. Fine."

  Ally’s tight voice betrayed her anxiety, and Sara tried to loosen her up by talking a little more. "You know," she said, "you don’t know a thing about how I normally am in bed. Do you wanna?"

  Despite her nervousness, Ally couldn’t help but laugh gently. "Uhm … sure. Not many women start off a conversation quite like that, but I’m game."

  "Well, you’ve told me a lot, and I believe in reciprocating," Sara replied logically. "I uhm … don’t think I’ve ever had a role in bed. Most of the women I’ve been with have been kinda like me … more concerned about being ‘outed’ than anything else. Actually, most of the sex I’ve had hasn’t been all that great." She shrugged her shoulders, the dim bedside lamp illuminating her lovely features. "It’s hard to have good sex with someone you don’t care for."

  Ally reached across the expanse of mattress and placed her hand on Sara’s hip, closing her eyes at how unspeakably delicious it felt to touch that gentle curve. "I care for you," she whispered.

  Sara’s hand covered Ally’s, patting it gently. "I know you do. That’s why I know we’ll be able to work things out." She smiled, her eyes twinkling, and said, "Even if the sex we have is very poor quality – which I doubt – it’ll be what I’m used to."