Living a Lie

by Cox, Josephine

  She had taken off her dress and petticoat and was about to put on the overalls when his touch startled her.

  “Why don’t you admit I’m right?” he murmured, taking her in his arms.

  “You and me, two loners, aching for someone to share our lives with. What’s so wrong about us being together. Kitty? What could be worse than being alone? Oh, I know I could have any woman, but I could never be sure it was me they wanted. All they could see would be my wealth the way of life I could offer them. I don’t want that. It’s you I love. Kitty. No one else.”

  “I couldn’t marry you, Jack, It wouldn’t be fair.” It was hard for her to say it, but it had to be done.

  “I could never love you in the way you want me to.”

  His smile fell away. Now they were both thinking of Harry, like a steel thread that bound them together; one filled with love in her heart, the other with envy and hatred.

  “Love isn’t everything,” said Jack.

  Kitty smiled. Mildred had said the very same. She was wrong. Jack was wrong. Love was everything.

  He tilted her face towards him.

  “Forget him,” he urged.

  Kitty didn’t answer. She could never forget Harry. He was en grained in her soul.

  “Marry me,” Jack’s soft voice murmured in her ear.

  “Marry me. Kitty, and I promise…you will learn to love me.” His hands roved her body, touching her bare flesh, arousing her, arousing himself.

  “I want you. Kitty,” he moaned.

  “Don’t turn me away. Please don’t turn me away.” Strong fingers curled behind her back, undoing her bra.

  Kitty was only flesh and blood, and she had been without love for so very long. Sensing her response he slid his hand down her panties, through the triangle of hair and into the soft moistness between her thighs. She could feel him hard and strong against her, and God help her, she wanted him too.

  He was so gentle. With his arm around her, he eased her to the floor.

  Baring her breasts he tenderly kissed each one, tantalising the erect nipples with the top of his tongue. When she gasped with pleasure, his mouth covered hers. Her eyes were closed, her whole body trembling with a yearning she could no longer suppress. Tenderly parting her, he thrust himself into her body, moaning when the thrill coursed through him.

  “I love you,” he whispered, over and over.

  “I love you.”

  He was a gentle lover, content to be with her, to be part of her, if only for a short time. While he lay with her he loved her. But it was a shallow love, an emotion that touched nothing deeper than his own selfishness. The plain truth was. Jack was in love with the idea of love. But he was genuine in that he wanted Kitty; wanted to take her for his own, to love and to cherish. He craved a permanence in his life, and the more she said no, the more he needed her.

  All too soon the lovemaking was ended. Exhausted and satisfied, he lay over her, his heart racing.

  “That was beautiful,” he murmured, nibbling her ear.

  Kitty too felt satisfied, but it was not emotional fulfilment, more bodily gratification. This time there was no shame, only regrets.

  Regrets that when Jack was making love to her, she had been thinking of Harry. And, though she had enjoyed the lovemaking, she knew it was only a substitute for the real thing. It had been pleasurable, that was all. It had not engaged her heart.

  This time, though, she didn’t turn from him. Instead she happily joined him in work on the flat, fitting the curtain poles and sliding a work surface into place. They didn’t talk of love, nor did they speak of marriage. But even as they worked, he was making plans. On the way home he seemed bolder.

  “I always knew you loved me.” His hand reached out to touch hers.

  “You will marry me now, won’t you, Kitty?”

  She told him again, “Nothing’s changed, Jack. My feelings are still the same. What happened just now, well…” She didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but he was so persistent she had little choice.

  “It doesn’t mean I’ve decided to marry you.”

  Confident that she was stringing him along, he merely smiled, pressed his foot on the accelerator and kept secretly grinning all the way to Mildred’s house, “I’ll come in,” he said, clambering out of the car.

  When she protested that there was no need, he smiled again.

  “You might want to rethink your plans.”

  “Oh? And what ‘plans’ might they be?”

  “All I’m saying is, you might decide not to send your things to the flat after all. You might decide to have them sent to my place.”

  It was Kitty’s turn to smile.

  “I don’t think so,” she said.

  “In fact, I’d appreciate it if you left me now. I have a great deal to do, and you’d only get under my feet.”

  “Suit yourself. But the offer’s there. You might as well do it now as later.”

  Kitty hated his arrogance.

  “Clear off, Jack!” The tone of her voice left him in no doubt that he was pushing her too far.

  He shrugged his shoulders.

  “Ring me if you need anything.” Still smiling, he pushed his hands into his pockets and turned away, whistling a merry, irritating tune as he went down the path.

  “Haven’t you forgotten something?” Kitty’s voice sailed after him.

  “You want me to help after all?”

  “No. What I want is to feel safe at night.” Stretching out her hand, she winked at him.

  “The key to the flat, please.”

  Spinning it through the air, he watched her catch it.

  “I forgot I’d put it in my pocket,” he lied, climbing into his car.

  “Now don’t forget…all you have to do is pick up the phone and we can arrange for your things to be brought to my house this afternoon.”

  He went away jauntily while Kitty went indoors shaking her head.

  “I have to hand it to you, Jack,” she muttered, “you’re as stubborn as a bloody mule!”

  Back at Mildred’s house, Kitty was preoccupied with thoughts of Georgie. Why hadn’t she come? Was she all right? Worried and angry all at the same time, she went straight to the kitchen to make herself a well-deserved cup of tea.

  No sooner had she settled at the table than the phone rang. Leaping out of the chair, she ran into the hallway, hoping against hope it might be Georgie.

  “It had better not be you. Jack!” she warned.

  It wasn’t Jack. Nor was it Georgie. It was Mildred.

  “We’ve stopped for a bite to eat,” she explained, “and I just had to ring you. I’ve forgotten something, you see.”

  Dropping her voice to a whisper, Kitty teased, “Don’t tell me! You’ve forgotten your knickers?”

  Mildred laughed, then she was serious again.

  “I’ve done a dreadful thing and I hope you’ll forgive me. A letter came from Georgie and I hid it in the drawer. I guessed she wasn’t coming after all, and didn’t want you to be upset before the wedding.” In her eagerness to excuse what she’d done, her words tripped over each other.

  “I’m sorry, Kitty. I really thought it was for the best.”

  “It’s all right.” In her deepest heart. Kitty hadn’t expected Georgie to turn up at the wedding and she said that to her aunt now.

  “So get on with your honeymoon.”

  “Wait a minute.” The sound of money being dropped into the phone box halted their conversation, before Mildred asked, “Read the letter, Kitty. If it’s anything serious, I’ll never forgive myself.”

  “Which drawer did you put it in?”

  “The kitchen dresser.”

  “Hang on.” She put the phone down and hurried to the dresser.

  Retrieving the grubby brown envelope she returned to the phone, tore the envelope open and took out the letter. Straightening it with one hand she picked up the receiver with the other.

  “You’re right,” she confirmed, “it is from Georgie.” Her anxi
ous eyes scanned the message, and her hands began to shake.

  “What does she say?” Mildred’s voice pierced Kitty’s silence.

  “KITTY! WHAT DOES SHE SAY?”

  Injecting a measure of humour into her voice, Kitty told her, “You might have guessed! She and that no-good bloke of hers are back together. Georgie knew you wouldn’t welcome him at your wedding, so she decided not to come herself.” Her bright voice belied the truth.

  “So there you are. Now you’d better get back to that husband of yours. I’m taking care of everything at this end, so you can relax. Have a lovely time, and I’ll see you when you get back.” Mildred would have gone on about Georgie and how sorry she was, but Kitty cut her short.

  Satisfied, Mildred said her goodbyes and hung up.

  “No use spoiling your honeymoon,” Kitty murmured. Taking the letter to the kitchen she spread it out before her on the table, and began to read:

  Hello, sunshine You’re not going to be pleased with me! I can’t come to your aunt’s wedding after all. I shan’t be sending a present either. Not when I can’t even afford a loaf of bread!

  I’ve had a few ups and downs lately, but I’ll sort it out because I’m a survivor. Just like you.

  Talk to you later. Take care of yourself, my beauty.

  Love from Georgie

  Kitty carefully folded the letter and replaced it in the envelope.

  There was only one line from that sad little letter that stayed with her. She whispered it now, allowing the meaning of each word to sink in: “Not when I can’t even afford a loaf of bread.” It told a story all its own; not just that Georgie was broke, and that maybe her fella might be in prison again, but something much more important. It told Kitty that Georgie desperately needed her.

  “She’s a proud stubborn woman,” Kitty murmured thoughtfully.

  “Georgie would never have let it slip that she had no food…unless she was crying for help. And who else would she have to turn to? For whatever reason Mac isn’t there.”

  Kitty deduced that, not so much from what Georgie said, but from what she didn’t say.

  “God Almighty!” She recalled how long the letter had been hidden in that drawer.

  “Precious hours wasted!”

  She was angry with Mildred, then tried telling herself it wasn’t her aunt’s fault. For weeks now, she herself had been planning to go and see Georgie, and each time she had allowed other things to get in the way.

  “Well, I’m not wasting any more time!” she vowed.

  “I’m on my way, Georgie gal. I’m on my way.”

  While Kitty showered, the phone rang incessantly. When she came into her bedroom to dress and prepare for her long journey, it rang again with the same stubborn insistence. With only a towel to cover her nakedness, and shivering with cold, she impatiently snatched up the receiver.

  “Kitty Marsh. Hello.”

  Jack’s voice made her shiver all the more.

  “Just ringing to see if you need any help?”

  “Not now. Jack.” She so much wanted to be on her way. Georgie needed her, and there had been enough time wasted already.

  “You’re sure now?”

  “I’m sure.”

  “Okay. You’re too independent for my good, but talk to me if you need any help getting ready for the removal men.” There was a click as he put down the phone.

  “Good God…I’d forgotten all about the removal!” She frantically dialled his number. When he answered she was full of apologies.

  “I do need your help after all,” she admitted.

  “Can you come round?”

  He was delighted.

  “Just try and keep me away! I’ll be there in half an hour.”

  “Half an hour,” she told herself, rushing about to get ready before he arrived. Ringing British Rail she checked the timetable and best route for trains to Liverpool. That done, she cleaned her teeth, brushed her hair, put on some make-up, and quickly dressed.

  “Warm and comfortable, and easy for a train journey,” she decided. Rummaging in her wardrobe, she settled on a black polo neck jumper, and smart navy slacks. It took only a minute to slip into them, and even less to put on her dark ankle-length boots.

  Grabbing a suitcase from the top of the wardrobe, she packed enough clothes and toiletries for at least two nights.

  Next, she returned to the kitchen and scribbled out a short note:

  Jack, I’ve had a letter from Georgie, and I’m going to see her. I’m not sure how long I’ll be away, but it will probably be a couple of days. I hope to persuade her to come back, and help me get settled in my new flat.

  I’m sorry it’s such short notice, but I didn’t know myself until a little while ago.

  I’d be really grateful if you could please oversee the removal? You’ll find all the details, house keys, phone numbers and times, in the box on the hall table. It’s all organised, so there shouldn’t be any problems. If there are, I know you can take care of everything.

  I’ll ring you later.

  Thanks, Kitty She put the front door key in an envelope with the note, and sealed it.

  Pausing by the hall table on her way out, she checked the contents of the box, to make sure everything was there for Jack. Then she checked her handbag, counted the notes in her wallet, and made certain she had her cheque book and the train timetable.

  Satisfied, she left the house, propped the envelope containing the note and key on the door knocker, and hurried away before Jack could arrive and offer to take her all the way to Liverpool.

  Twenty minutes after he had phoned. Kitty was on her way down the street, dressed against the cold in her long cream-coloured overcoat, with a black woollen beret pulled at a jaunty angle over her dark hair.

  “Sorry, Jack!” Catching sight of him at the bottom end of the main street, she quickly ducked into a doorway until he had passed.

  Running to the taxi rank, she gave her directions to the driver.

  “Please hurry or I’ll miss the train!”

  By the time Jack had arrived at the house and read the note which Kitty had put on the knocker, she was speeding to the station. When, some time later, he burst on to the platform, red-faced and breathless, she was already settled in a compartment, speeding her way to Liverpool; and to her dearest friend, Georgie.

  The thought of seeing Georgie again gave her a good feeling. At the same time she was a little afraid, because there had been an undercurrent of fear in her friend’s letter.

  Kitty couldn’t be certain what she would find when she arrived in Liverpool.

  “Hold on, gal,” she murmured in Georgie’s accent.

  “We’ll sort it out. You’ve got my word on it!”

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  Kitty walked out of Liverpool station. Suddenly all her troubles seemed a million miles away.

  “Mornin’, luv!” A round-faced woman carrying a hairn gave her a friendly smile.

  Returning her warm greeting, Kitty went in search of a taxi. There were three waiting. Hurrying to the first in line, she rummaged in her bag to check Georgie’s address.

  “Number four Albert Street, please,” she said, returning the slip of paper to her purse.

  “Two minutes, pet,” the driver said with a grin. Putting out his fag, he took hold of her suitcase.

  “Ere, gimme that.” Throwing it in the boot, he remarked cheerfully, “Been a lovely day. Makes you feel like whistling.”

  And that was just what he did, all the way down the High Street and on towards the docks, like a bird after a mate.

  Kitty was fascinated by the sights and sounds of Liverpool. It was a bustling place, a piece of history. The Mersey stretched before them and the docks were like another world, a painting in the sunlight, with ships and ferries, people and traffic, alive with the same heartbeat. Kitty had never seen anything quite like it. There was a kind of magic here, a timelessness that made her feel insignificant.

  The taxi driver slid his window back to ask,
“Been here before, have you?”

  “No, more’s the pity.” But she would come again, she was sure of that.

  “Which hotel do you recommend?”

  “The Albert,” he said without hesitation.

  “That one’s far and away the best. I know ’em all, lived here all me life,” he said proudly.

  Pointing to the new development on the left, he said, “It’s all changed now…new houses and the like. Nothing stays the same. Before that new development were built, there were a maze of back streets. Everybody knew one another. They raised each other’s kids; they went in each other’s houses as if they were their own. If they had a problem, it were everybody’s problem and they solved it together.”

  Shaking his head, he lapsed into a brief silence, reliving old memories, recalling old friends and loved ones who had gone before and whom he might never see again.

  “I were born here,” he said, “and I’ll happily end my days here.”

  Kitty could understand his pride.

  “What is it that makes Liverpool so special?” she wanted to know.

  He laughed at that.

  “I suppose you could say it were the Beatles who made Liverpool famous. But it isn’t just that, is it, love? Long before the Beatles were even born, Liverpool was a mighty port.”

  Leaning backwards he asked, “Did you know we sent thousands of convicts from here? Poor buggers. Some of ’em guilty of no more than stealing a loaf of bread, or getting drunk and brawling on the streets. That were all it took to get sent to the other side of the world in them days. Tom from home and family to God knows what!” He shook his head in disbelief. “Don’t bear thinking about, does it, eh?”

  Kitty knew what it was like to be torn from home and family.

  “Life can be cruel,” she muttered.

  He didn’t hear her. Coming up to traffic-lights he cursed when they changed against him.

  “I’ve never yet caught these bloody lights at green!” While they sat waiting for them to change, he told Kitty, “When you come right down to it, miss, I reckon it’s people who make or break a place. Doesn’t matter whether it’s a country village, a new town, or a big old city like Liverpool, it’s always the people who make it what it is. Flesh and blood, hearts and minds, that’s what really matter.”