Bloodsucking Fiends ls-1

by Christopher Moore

  She reached over and straightened his Stetson. "God, Simon, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

  Rivera drove. Cavuto sat in the passenger seat smoking and talking on the radio. He keyed the mike. "If anyone sees the Emperor tonight, detain him and call Rivera and Cavuto. He's wanted for questioning but he's not, I repeat not, a suspect. In other words, don't scare him."

  Cavuto hung the mike on the dash and said to Rivera, "You really don't think that this is a waste of time?"

  "Like I said, Nick, homicide and the coroner are the only ones who know about the blood loss. Our guys wouldn't leak, but even if there was a leak in the coroner's office, I can't imagine anyone telling the Emperor. Whoever did these murders is behaving like a vampire. Maybe he thinks he's a vampire. So to catch him, we have to pretend we're tracking a vampire."

  "That's bullshit. We've got enough evidence on the kid to get an indictment right now, and by the time forensics gets done with his apartment we'll have enough for a conviction."

  "Yeah," Rivera said, "except for one thing."

  Cavuto rolled his eyes. "I know, you don't think he killed anyone."

  "And neither do you."

  Cavuto chomped his cigar and looked out the car window at a group of winos milling on a corner by a liquor store.

  "Do you?" Rivera insisted.

  "He knows who did. And if I have to walk his cute little ass right up to the chair to get him to tell, I will."

  A call came over the radio. "Go ahead," Cavuto said into the mike.

  The dispatcher's voice crackled over the speaker. "Unit ten is holding the Emperor at Mason and Bay. Do you want them to bring him in?"

  Cavuto turned to Rivera and raised his eyebrows. "Well?"

  "No, tell them we'll be there in five."

  Cavuto keyed the mike. "Negative, we're on our way."

  Three minutes later Rivera pulled the unmarked Dodge into a red zone behind the cruiser. The two uniformed officers were playing with Lazarus and Bummer, whose armor rattled and clanged as they frisked. The Emperor stood by, his wooden sword still in hand.

  Rivera got out of the car first. "Good evening, Your Majesty."

  "Give me a fucking break," Cavuto said under his breath as he hoisted his bulk out of the car.

  "And a good early morning to you, Inspector." The Emperor bowed. "I see the fiend has us all burning the midnight oil."

  Rivera nodded to the uniforms. "We got it, guys, thanks." One of the uniforms was a woman. She shot Rivera a dirty look as she headed for the cruiser.

  Rivera turned his attention back to the Emperor. "You've been busy calling in reports of a vampire in the City."

  The Emperor frowned. "And I must say, Inspector, I'm a bit disappointed with the lack of promptness of your response."

  "Eat me," said Cavuto.

  "We've been busy," Rivera said.

  "Well, you're here at last." The Emperor waved to Bummer and Lazarus, who were waiting at his heel. "You know the men?"

  "We've met," Rivera said with a wave. "Your Majesty, you reported seeing a vampire" — Rivera pulled a notebook out of his jacket pocket — "three different times over the last month and a half." Rivera took a copy of Tommy's mug shot from his notebook and held it out to the Emperor. "Is this the man you saw?"

  "Heavens no. That's my friend C. Thomas Flood, aspiring author. A fine, if confused, lad. I arranged for his employment at the Marina Safeway."

  "But he's not the man you reported as being a vampire."

  "No. The fiend is older, and has sharp features, of Arab descent, I would guess, if he were not so pale."

  Cavuto stepped up and took the picture from Rivera. "You reported the body they found in SOMA, but you said you didn't see anything. Did you see this man anywhere near the scene?"

  "The victim was a friend of mine, Charlie. He left his mind in Vietnam, I'm afraid, but a good soul just the same. He had been dead for some time when I found him, though. The fiend left him there to rot."

  Cavuto bristled. "But you didn't see this vampire guy at the scene either."

  "I have seen him in the financial district, once in Chinatown, and at the marina last night. In fact, that young man gave me sanctuary at the Safeway."

  Cavuto's beeper went off. He ignored it. "You saw Flood and this vampire guy together?"

  "No, I ran from the wharf when the fiend materialized out of mist."

  "I'm outta here," Cavuto said, throwing up his hands. He checked his beeper and went back to the car.

  Rivera held his ground. "I'm sorry, Your Majesty, my partner needs to learn some manners. Now, if you can just tell me…"

  Cavuto beeped the horn and hung his head out the window. "Rivera, come on. They found another one. Let's go."

  "Wait a second." Rivera took a business card out of his wallet and gave it to the Emperor. "Highness, could you call me tomorrow, around noon? I'll come get you wherever you are — buy you and the men some lunch."

  "Of course, my son."

  Cavuto yelled out the car window, "Let's go, this one's fresh."

  "Be careful," Rivera said to the Emperor. "Watch your back, okay?"

  The Emperor grinned. "Safety first."

  Rivera turned and walked to the car. He was still shutting the door as Cavuto pulled away from the curb. Cavuto said, "Another snapped neck. Body's in a pickup off of Market. Uniforms found it five minutes ago."

  "Blood loss?"

  "They knew enough not to say over the radio. But there's a witness."

  "Witness?"

  "Homeless guy sleeping in the alley saw a woman leaving the scene. There's an all-points out for a redheaded female in a black cocktail dress."

  "You're bullshitting."

  Cavuto turned and looked him in the eye. "The Laundromat ninja returns."

  "Santa Fucking Maria," Rivera said.

  "I love it when you speak Spanish."

  The radio crackled again, the dispatcher calling their unit number. Rivera grabbed the mike and keyed it.

  "What now?" he said.

  Chapter 30

  Cops and Corpses

  "This guy is pissing me off," Cavuto said, expelling a blue cloud of cigar smoke against the file drawers of the dead. "I hate this fucking guy." He was standing over the body of Gilbert Bendetti, who had a thermometer sticking out of the side of his abdomen.

  "Inspector, there's no smoking allowed in here," said a uniformed officer who had been called to the scene.

  Cavuto waved to the drawers. "Do you think they mind?"

  The officer shook his head. "No, sir."

  Cavuto blew a stream of smoke at Gilbert. "And him, do you think he minds?"

  "No, sir."

  "And you, Patrolman Jeeter, you don't mind, do you?"

  Jeeter cleared his throat. "Uh… no, sir."

  "Well, good," Cavuto said. "Look on the side of the car, Jeeter. It says 'Protect and Serve, not 'Piss and Moan. »

  "Yes, sir."

  Rivera came through the double doors, followed by a tall, sixtyish man in a lab coat and silver wire-frame glasses.

  Cavuto looked up. "Doc, this guy done, or what?"

  The doctor pulled a surgical mask over his face as he approached the body. He bent over Gilbert and checked the thermometer. "He's been dead about four hours. I'd put the time of death between one and one-thirty. I won't be able to tell for sure until I finish the postmortem, but offhand I'd say myocardial infarction."

  "I hate this guy," Cavuto repeated. He looked down at Jody's toe tag, which was lying on the linoleum with a chalk circle drawn around it. "Any chance this guy misplaced the redhead?"

  The coroner looked up. "None at all. Someone removed the body."

  Rivera had his notebook out and was scribbling as the doctor talked. "Any news on the one that just came in, the cowboy? Any blood loss?"

  "Again, I can't say for sure, but it looks like a broken neck is the cause of death. There may have been some blood loss, but not as much as we've seen with the others. Since he was sitting up, it
could just be settling."

  "What about the wound on the throat?" Rivera asked.

  "What wound?" the coroner said. "There was no wound on the throat; I checked the body myself."

  Rivera's arms fell to his sides, his pen clattered on the linoleum. "Doctor, could you check again? Nick and I both saw distinct puncture wounds on the right side of the neck."

  The doctor stood up and walked to the rack of drawers and pulled one out. "Check for yourself."

  Cavuto and Rivera moved to either side of the drawer. Rivera turned Simon's head to the side while inspecting his neck. He looked up at Cavuto, who shook his head and walked away.

  "Nick, you saw it, right?"

  Cavuto nodded.

  Rivera turned to the doctor. "I saw the wounds, Doc, I swear. I've been doing this too long to get something like that wrong."

  The coroner shrugged. "When was the last time you two slept?"

  "Together, you mean?" said Cavuto.

  The coroner frowned.

  Rivera said, "Thanks, Doc, we've got some more work at the other crime scene. We'll be back. Let's go, Nick."

  Cavuto was standing over Gilbert again. "I hate this guy, and I hate that cowboy in the drawer. Did I mention that?"

  Rivera tuned on his heel and started toward the doors, then stopped and looked down. There was a distinct footprint on the linoleum in brown gravy. Made by a small foot, a woman's bare foot.

  Rivera turned to the coroner. "Doc, you got any women working here?"

  "Not down here. Only in the office."

  "Fuck! Nick, come on, we need to talk." Rivera stormed through the double doors, leaving them swinging.

  Cavuto ambled after him. He paused at the doors and turned back to the coroner. "He's moody, Doc."

  The coroner nodded.

  "Nothing to the press about the blood loss, if there was any. And nothing about the missing body."

  "Of course not. I have no desire to advertise that my office is losing bodies," the coroner said.

  Rivera was waiting in the hallway when Cavuto came through the doors. "We've got to cut the kid loose, you know that."

  "We can hold him another twenty-four hours."

  "He didn't do it."

  "Yeah, but he knows something."

  "Maybe we should let him go and follow him."

  "Give me one more shot at him. Alone."

  "Whatever. We've got something else to consider too. You saw those puncture marks on the cowboy's throat the same as I did, right?"

  Cavuto chewed his cigar and looked at the ceiling.

  "Well?"

  Cavuto nodded.

  "Then maybe the others had wounds too. Maybe they had wounds that went away. And did you see the footprint?"

  "I saw it."

  "Nick, do you believe in vampires?"

  Cavuto turned and walked down the hall. "I need a stiff one."

  "You mean a drink?"

  Cavuto glared over his shoulder and growled. Rivera grinned. "I owed you that one."

  Tommy guessed the temperature in the cell to be about sixty-five, but even so, his cellmate, the six-foot-five, two-hundred-fifty-pound, unshaven, unbathed, one-eyed psychopath with the Disney-character tattoos, was dripping with sweat.

  Maybe, Tommy thought, as he cowered in the corner behind the toilet, it's warmer up there on the bunk. Or maybe it's hard work trying to stare at someone menacingly, without blinking, for six hours when you only have one eye.

  "I hate you," said One-Eye.

  "Sorry," said Tommy.

  One-Eye stood up and flexed his biceps; Micky and Goofy bulged angrily. "Are you making fun of me?"

  Tommy didn't want to say anything, so he shook his head violently, trying to make sure that nothing remotely resembling a smile crossed his face.

  One-Eye sat down on the bunk and resumed menacing. "What are you in for?"

  "Nothing," Tommy said. "I didn't do anything."

  "Don't fuck with me, ass-wipe. What were you arrested for?"

  Tommy fidgeted, trying to work his way into the cinder-block wall. "Well, I put my girlfriend in the freezer, but I don't think that's a crime."

  One-Eye, for the first time since he'd been put in the cell, smiled. "Me either. You didn't use an assault weapon, did you?"

  "Nope, a Sears frost-free."

  "Oh, good; they're really tough on crimes with assault weapons."

  "So," Tommy said, venturing an inch out of the corner, "what are you in for?" Thinking baby-stomping, thinking cannibalism, thinking fast-food massacre.

  One-Eye hung his head. "Copyright infringement."

  "You're kidding?"

  One-Eye frowned. Tommy slid back into his corner, adding, "Really? That's bad."

  One-Eye pulled off his ratty T-shirt. The Seven Dwarfs danced across his massive chest between knife and bullet scars. On his stomach, Snow White and Cinderella were locked in a frothy embrace of mutual muffin munching.

  "Yeah, I made the mistake of walking around without a shirt. A Disney executive who was up here on vacation saw me down by the wharf. He called their legal pit bulls."

  Tommy shook his head in sympathy. "I didn't know they put you in jail for copyright infringement."

  "Well, they don't, really. It was when I ripped the guy's shoulders out of their sockets that the police got involved."

  "That's not a crime either, is it?"

  One-Eye rubbed his temples as if it was excruciating to remember. "It was in front of his kids."

  "Oh," Tommy said.

  "Flood, on your feet," a guard said from the cell door. Inspector Nick Cavuto stood behind him.

  "C'mon, cutie," Cavuto said. "We're going for a last walk."

  The blood-high wasn't racing through her with flush and fever as it always had before. No, it was more like the satisfying fullness of a lasagna dinner chased with double espressos. Still, the strength sang in her limbs; she ripped the loft-door dead bolts through the metal doorjamb as easily as she had torn the plastic crime-scene tape the police had put across the door.

  Strange, she thought, there is a difference in drinking from a living body.

  Her remorse over killing Simon had passed in seconds and the predator mind had taken over. A new aspect of the predator had reared up this time, not just the instinct to hide and hunt, but to protect.

  If Tommy was in jail for putting her in the freezer, it meant that the police had also found Peary, and they would try to connect Tommy to the other murders. But if they found another victim while Tommy was behind bars, they would have to set him free. And she needed him to be free, first so that she could find out why he had frozen her, but more important, because it was time to turn the tables on the other vampire, and the only safe way to hunt him was to do it during daylight.

  She had bit Simon's neck and used the heel of her hand to pump his heart as she drank. There was no guilt or self-consciousness in the act; the predator mind had taken over. She found herself thinking about the burly fireman who had come to Transamerica to teach the employees earthquake preparedness, which had included a course in CPR. What would he think of one of his students' using his technique to pump lifeblood from the murdered? "I'm sorry, Fireman Frank, I sucked like an Electrolux, but it just wasn't enough. If it's any consolation, I didn't enjoy it."

  What little strength she had gained from Simon's blood seemed to evaporate as she walked into the loft. It was in worse shape than the day the Animals had come for breakfast. The futon was bundled against the wall; the books had been taken out of their shelves and spread out on the floor; the cabinets hung open, their contents tumbled across the counters; and a fine patina of fingerprint powder covered every surface. She wanted to cry.

  It reminded her of the time she had lived with a heavy-metal bass player for two months, who had torn their apartment apart looking for money for drugs. Money?

  She ran to the bedroom and to the dresser where she had stashed the remaining cash the old vampire had given her. It was gone. She threw open the
drawer where she kept her lingerie. She'd kept a couple thousand rolled up in a bra, a holdover habit from the days of hiding cash from the bass player. It was there. She had enough for a month's rent, but then what? It wouldn't matter if Tommy didn't stop the other vampire. He was going to kill them both, she was sure of it, and he was going to do it soon.

  As she weighed the rolls of bills in her hand, she heard someone open the stairwell door, then footfalls on the steps. She went to the kitchen and waited, crouched behind the counter.

  Someone was in the loft. A man. She could hear his heart — smell sweat and stale deodorant coming off him. Tommy's deodorant. She stood up.

  "Hi," Tommy said. "Boy, am I glad to see you."

  Chapter 31

  He Was an Ex-Con, She Was Defrosted…

  She started to lean over the counter to give him a hug, then stopped herself. "You look awful," she said.

  He was unshaven, his hair stuck out in greasy tufts, and his clothes looked as if he'd slept in them. He hadn't. He hadn't slept at all.

  "Thanks," he said. "You look a little tattered yourself."

  She raised her hand to her hair, felt a tangle, and let it drop. "And I thought my red hair went so well with freezer burn."

  "I can explain that."

  She came around the counter and stood before him, not knowing whether to hold him or hit him.

  "That's a great dress. Is it new?"

  "It was a great dress before the gravy and cobbler melted all over it. What happened, Tommy? Why was I frozen?"

  He reached out to touch her face. "How are you? I mean, are you okay?"

  "Good time to ask." She glared at him.

  He looked in her eyes, then away. "You're very beautiful, you know that?" He crumpled to the floor and sat with his back against the counter. "I'm so sorry, Jody. I didn't want to hurt you. I was just… sort of lonely."

  She felt tears welling in her eyes and wiped them away. He was genuinely sorry, she could tell. And she had always been a sucker for pathetic apologies, going back as far as the time the bass player she was seeing hocked her stereo. Or had that been the construction worker? "What happened?" she pressed.

  He stared at the floor and shook his head. "I don't know. I wanted someone to talk about books with. Someone who thought I was special. I met a girl at work. I was just going to meet her for coffee, nothing else. But I didn't think you'd understand. So I… well, you know."