Nerd Gone Wild

by Vicki Lewis Thompson

  “Anything I can help with?”

  “No, not really. But I appreciate the offer.” She figured that if she gave him an inch, he’d take about twenty miles.

  “All righty, then. If you’re sure there’s nothing I can do to make you feel more welcome in Porcupine.” He sounded slightly baffled because she was resisting his manly charms.

  “I feel very welcome.”

  “That’s good. That’s very good. So I guess I’ll go visit Ernie and see if he’ll let me use his plow. We won’t even get mail delivery today if the road into town isn’t cleared in the next couple of hours.”

  She got the message. Dave was off to do more good deeds and she was supposed to be mightily impressed. “Good luck with that. ‘Bye, now.” She hopped down to the sidewalk.

  “See you at the Top Hat tonight!” Dave called after her.

  She waved again, not willing to give him a definite answer on that. Dave was not her type. Neither was Mitch, really, so it was very unsettling that she wanted so desperately to get naked and jump him.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Mitch had never resented playing the nerd more than he did right now. He was already at a disadvantage against guys like Dave simply because Dave knew the territory and Mitch didn’t. But add in Mitch’s supposed geekiness, and he was completely outgunned.

  Childish though it was, he wanted to put on his snug black T-shirt, his black leather jacket, his black chaps, and his motorcycle boots. Then he wanted to ride into town on his Harley as Mitch Carruthers, PI/bodyguard, and see how Chain-saw Dave liked them apples. But that wasn’t happening, so his mood was not good as he walked in the front door of the Loose Moose.

  Betsy was behind the registration counter getting money out of an antique cash register, most likely in preparation for her proposed shopping trip. She glanced up and grinned. “Fell through, did you?”

  “Yeah, we both fell through, but Dave the wonder boy got us out.” Mitch unzipped the parka Betsy had loaned him. “This coat worked great, though. Thank you.”

  “Keep it. My closets are stuffed with all the clothes my husbands left behind. I wish they’d left some money in the pockets, too, but no such luck. That coat doesn’t fit me and it would swim on Clyde, so you might as well have it.”

  Mitch hung the parka on one of the many hooks by the front door. “That’s a generous offer, but I won’t need a heavy coat like that once I leave here, so it would be a waste to give it to me.” He sat down on the bench under the row of hooks and started taking off his boots.

  “And how soon would you be thinking of heading out?”

  He looked over at her. “That depends.”

  “On Ally?”

  He blew out a breath, not wanting to take that line of questioning any further. “What do you know about this guy Dave?”

  “Why, are you jealous?”

  “Of course I’m not jealous. I just wondered if his overgrown Boy Scout act is for real.”

  Betsy smiled. “Yep, you’re jealous. Is Ally with him right now?”

  “I most certainly am not jealous, and yeah, she is. I’m asking about him only out of concern for Ally. I’d hate to have some operator like Dave take advantage of her, that’s all.”

  “You think he’s an operator?” Betsy gazed at Mitch with great interest.

  “Don’t you? I mean, the perfect beard, the tinted contacts, the ponytail, the whole chain-saw-artist thing he’s got going on, I think he’s looking to marry well.”

  Betsy laughed. “You could be right about that.”

  “So why did you give him such a glowing report when you mentioned him to Ally? What if that turned her into a sitting duck for this opportunist?”

  Propping an elbow on the registration desk, Betsy rested her chin in her hand as she studied Mitchell. “You really like her a lot, don’t you?”

  “It’s not a matter of liking her. I want to make sure she’s okay.”

  “Oh, I think your feelings go way beyond making sure she’s okay, but you’re not admitting to anything, so I won’t push. I got what I wanted out of my advertising campaign when you started worrying that he might be competition. I didn’t want you getting complacent, and I can see that worked out beautifully.”

  He stared at her. “What?”

  “Don’t look so offended. You have to understand that the winters are long and boring around here. When you and Ally showed up, I decided to have a little fun messing with you.”

  “That’s outrageous, Betsy. You can’t play with people’s emotions to keep from being bored!”

  “Oh, please. It’s for your own good.”

  “It’s not—”

  “And in case you haven’t figured it out, I am outrageous. Alaska tends to attract eccentric people. And if you’re not eccentric when you arrive, you get that way sooner or later.”

  “So you admit that you’re trying to play Cupid for me and Ally?”

  She shrugged. “Why not?”

  He could think of several reasons having to do with Ally’s fortune and his lack of a fortune, but he wasn’t about to share all that with Betsy. “Because we’re completely incompatible.”

  “I don’t see that. And look at you. You’re all upset because she might be interested in another man.”

  “Because he could take her to the cleaners!”

  “Ah.” Betsy flapped her hand in the air. “I wouldn’t worry about Ally. She won’t be sucked in by Dave’s routine any more than you were.”

  “I’m not so sure. I—”

  The front door opened, and Ally walked in. Alone. She looked happy to see him, which was a good sign. “Hi, Mitchell.”

  “Hi, Ally.” He was ridiculously happy to see her. He was even more glad to see her without Dave.

  She unzipped her parka, and he remembered how he’d almost done that for her back in the snow. Just looking at her taking off that coat made his mouth water. Too bad she respected him so damned much.

  Ally hung up her coat beside his, and in the process of reaching for the hook, she came close to touching his cheek with her breast. She came close enough to give him the shakes. He could smell something flowery—it could be perfume, deodorant, powder, or Ally’s own skin. He wanted to smell it some more, whatever it was. He wanted to bury his nose against her sweater and nuzzle around until he reached something interesting.

  Then she turned and sat down next to him on the bench to take off her boots. “You know, Betsy, I’m not so sure about Dave.”

  Mitch hated to hear the guy’s name coming out of her mouth, but the context in which she’d used it sounded promising. He breathed in more Scent-o-Ally and waited to find out what bothered her about good old Dave.

  “What about him?” Betsy asked.

  “He’s kind of obvious, don’t you think? It’s like he’s created this persona for himself because he thinks that will get him somewhere.”

  Yeah, like in your bed. But Mitch was delighted to hear that she hadn’t been swept off her feet by that toothy grin and fake blue eyes. The guy probably had caps on those teeth.

  “Well, we all want to get somewhere,” Betsy said.

  “I know.” Ally tucked her boots under the bench and stood. “I want to get somewhere in wildlife photography. But I’m not invested in trying to look like a photographer, just so you’ll think I’m the real deal.”

  Mitch was exceedingly happy to hear that her evaluation of Dave was the same as his.

  “Well, poor Dave.” Betsy shook her head sadly. “He’s one of those guys who can’t figure out what to be when he grows up. Before he moved to Porcupine to wait tables and sculpt with a chain-saw, he tried to kick-start a franchise selling mooseburgers. He called it McMoose’s.”

  “Let me guess,” Ally said. “It didn’t work.”

  “Nope. He put up one restaurant down in Anchorage, shaped it like an igloo, and dressed his help in fake fur, which was miserable in the summer, when most of the tourists show up. It didn’t catch on.”

  Mitch fig
ured he was safe to ask a question. “Are his sculptures any good?”

  Betsy hesitated. “I’m no judge of art.”

  “But you know what you like,” Mitch prompted, remembering her red room.

  “Yes, I do know that, and generally I like my nudes to look a little more real. Maybe he’s trying for something symbolic, but when the boobs don’t match, I—”

  “Wait a minute,” Ally said. “I assumed this chain-saw art was stuff like bears and eagles, maybe even a totem pole or two. Are you saying his sculptures are nudes?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Male and female?” Ally asked.

  “He tried to do both at first, but he kept accidentally looping off a significant body part on the guys, so he gave that up and just does women now. Supposedly the model is Serena, who runs the general store. But I’m pretty sure Serena’s boobs match. In summer she goes braless, and so I’d be able to tell if they didn’t.”

  Mitch glanced at Ally. “No wonder he wanted you to come over to his place and look at his sculptures.”

  “You don’t have to go out to his place to see them,” Betsy said. “Serena has several for sale at Heavenly Provisions.” She came around from behind the registration desk. “I’m heading over there, if either of you want to come with me.”

  “I’m curious, now,” Ally said. “I’ll go. But first I want to get my backpack.”

  “Yeah, I’ll go, too.” Mitch figured sometime during the shopping expedition he might be able to slip the tiny transmitter into her backpack. He also had an errand to run over at the store. He’d hate being caught unprepared if Ally had a change of heart. Maybe this was the perfect opportunity to stock up.

  He could be subtle when it was required. While Ally and Betsy were looking at the chain-saw nudes, he’d have a chance to pick up the item he needed, just in case Ally lost a little bit of respect for him and climbed into his bed.

  A few minutes later the three of them trudged up and over two-foot drifts to get to the store across the street. No traffic moved along the main drag. The pickups and SUVs that had been parked there the night before were shapeless lumps under a blanket of snow. A few people were out navigating the drifts just like Mitch, Ally, and Betsy.

  Mitch had put his glasses on again because he had no excuse not to wear them. They were going to the store, after all, and he was supposed to need them to see details. But they felt uncomfortably cold sitting on the bridge of his nose.

  The road was seriously blocked. When he glanced toward the end of town, where no buildings stopped the wind, the drifts were even higher. The country road that linked Porcupine with the main highway was obviously impassable. He’d love for it to stay that way a while. The more familiar he became with the town, the more easily he could protect Ally if the need should arise.

  “It sure is quiet without any cars or trucks going by,” Ally said. “I like it.”

  “I do, too,” Betsy said. “Once Ernie sobers up, he’ll probably be out here on his dogsled. ‘Course, he’s been known to be out here on his dogsled when he wasn’t sober, too.”

  “Assuming he’s sober, I’d love to hitch a ride,” Ally said. “I’ve always wanted to try that.”

  “It’s fun,” Betsy said. “My third husband had a team of dogs, even raced the Iditarod. But he kenneled those animals out behind the Loose Moose, which wouldn’t have been so bad except that he wouldn’t clean up the dog poop. In the winter it froze, so you couldn’t smell it, but in the summer, Stink City. He was good in bed, but not that good.”

  Mitch kept quiet. He had no interest in riding on a dogsled, because a dogsled required snow, and he was no more in love with it now than he had been as a kid in Chicago. Sure, the mountains were pretty, and there was a certain peaceful feeling that came after a new-fallen snow, but the temperature was still below freezing, and that was about fifty degrees too cold for Mitch.

  The snow’s only saving grace was its apparent ability to delay Kurt.

  Then the sound of a tractor motor ripped through the silence.

  “I guess Dave must have convinced Ernie to let him use his plow,” Ally said, as a rusty orange tractor appeared on the far end of town and started scooping drifts out of the way. “That’s great.”

  “Yeah, just great,” Mitch said. As of this moment, the snow had zero value.

  * * *

  Nothing like a new vehicle to make a man feel great. Kurt breathed in the new-car smell that permeated the cab of the truck. He’d picked one with all the bells and whistles, too—onboard GPS, top-of-the-line CD player, power windows and steering, leather upholstery. Vivian was partial to leather, so he’d chosen that specifically to please her.

  Kurt was proud of the RV option he’d chosen, too. He loved how a fifth-wheel trailer hitch bolted right into the bed of his new truck. He’d never trusted those flimsy hitches attached to the back bumper. With those, the slightest wind could blow the trailer around, but the fifth wheel felt good and solid gliding along behind them.

  “How do you like the new track, Viv?” He glanced over to see how she was enjoying the ride.

  “I think I forgot my vibrator.”

  “Oh.” He hoped to hell she wouldn’t make him go back. They were almost to the turnoff for Porcupine. If they had to reverse direction and go home again, they wouldn’t make it back here until after dark.

  “Pull over and go look in my suitcase.”

  He eyed the shoulder of the road, which was filled with snow and slush. “This isn’t the best place to pull off, Viv. Let’s wait until we get there.”

  “Pull off right now, Kurt! If we wait until we get there, and I don’t have it, then what am I going to do? I’ll be stuck in some stupid lodge by myself, and I seriously doubt that this podunk town we’re heading for has an adult toy store.”

  Most of the time Kurt was glad that Vivian was so highly sexed. But not right now, when it was screwing with his plans. His instincts had been right, buying this fifth wheel so he wouldn’t be staying at the hotel with Vivian. She would have tried to sneak into his room, for sure. “Couldn’t you make do without your vibrator, just this once?”

  She unbuckled her seat belt, reached over and grabbed him by the balls. “Pull over.”

  He swerved the truck to the shoulder and the fifth wheel fishtailed. Brakes screeched and horns blared, but Kurt was too worried about the grip Vivian had on his jewels to care if anybody clipped the fifth wheel, or vice versa. When they were pretty much off the road, he slammed on the brakes.

  “That’s better.” With one sharp squeeze that made him yelp, she turned him loose. “Now get back there and look for it. And if it’s in the suitcase, bring it to me. If it’s not, we’re turning around.”

  Praying he’d find the vibrator, Kurt opened his door. He didn’t have much room to climb out without danger of getting hit by oncoming traffic, so he took it slow.

  “Come on, come on. You’re letting cold air in here!”

  Gauging the space between oncoming vehicles, he leaped out and slammed the door. He landed in about six inches of gray slush. Cold water soaked his pants leg and worked its way inside his shoes. He hated to drive in boots and hadn’t expected to get out until he was on dry ground again.

  But that wasn’t the worst part. As he was standing there, a semi blew past and coated him from head to toe in muck. He wiped his face and brushed off what he could as he worked his way around to the back of the fifth wheel. He’d mess up the brand-new carpet by tromping inside like this, but it couldn’t be helped.

  Once he made it inside, he headed straight for Vivian’s black leather suitcase, not wanting to stain the carpet any more than necessary. He loved the inside of this fifth wheel, which had been, until now, blemish-free. With the money he planned to weasel out of Ally, he could buy new things all the time. Buying new things gave him almost as much of a charge as sex with Vivian.

  He zipped open the suitcase and searched for the vibrator. He found her ben wa balls and her nipple clips tucked in
with her crotchless panties. Just handling that stuff got him hot, but he had to forget about sex and find the vibrator. Not here, dammit.

  Then he remembered a zippered pouch on the outside of the suitcase. Ah, thank God. He pulled out the vibrator, a specialty job with one part that went inside and a second part that buzzed against her clit. The whole business was a startling neon green.

  Now all he had to worry about was battery life. He switched it on and everything worked. The hum of it plus the tremors moving through his hand brought back fond memories, but he had places to go and people to see. He turned it off again.

  Clutching the vibrator, he stepped back down to the slushy shoulder of the road just as a cop pulled in behind him. He quickly stuck his hand behind his back. It wasn’t like this toy was illegal, but he’d rather not be confronting an officer of the law while holding a neon-green, two-part vibrator.

  The officer stepped out, and damned if it wasn’t a woman. He would much rather deal with a guy if he had to be caught with a vibrator. Cops always made him sweat, though. Although he’d never done jail time, he’d come too close for comfort.

  Today, though, he couldn’t think why they’d hassle him. The truck and fifth wheel were his, or at least as long as he kept up the payments. He had no outstanding tickets that he could remember. And he definitely hadn’t been speeding, considering the weather and the fifth wheel he was pulling.

  The officer approached warily. Although she was bundled up, there was no doubt she was a woman—a short, stocky, jock type of woman. She rested her right hand on the butt of the gun at her hip. “Sir, I need you to bring both hands out where I can see them,” she said.

  Reluctantly, he produced the vibrator.

  The officer’s eyes widened. “What the hell is that, some kind of newfangled club for the steering wheel?”

  “It’s… a… a… personal product, Officer.”

  After studying it for a few seconds, she nodded. “Okay, I get it. Never seen one shaped quite like that, and definitely not in lime green.”

  “It was a special order.”