Nerd Gone Wild

by Vicki Lewis Thompson

“Uh-huh.” She glanced up toward the truck. “You have a passenger in there?”

  “Yes, yes, I do.”

  She cleared her throat. “I recommend that you and your passenger not make use of that device while the vehicle is moving. Cell phones are enough of a distraction these days, without adding in…” She gestured toward the vibrator. “That.”

  “Right. I was only… she wanted to make sure we hadn’t left it at home.”

  “I see.” She pressed her lips together real tight, as if she might start laughing if she didn’t.

  A trucker went by and leaned on the horn. Kurt figured the trucker had recognized the item in his hand and was getting a kick out of letting him know that. Then another car beeped, and Kurt realized that plenty of other people would recognize what he was holding, even if the officer hadn’t known right away what it was.

  He was really tired of standing there on the open road gripping this neon-green vibrator, to be honest. “Was there a problem, Officer?” he asked, hoping to get the whole episode over with.

  “I stopped because of the way you’re parked, sort of jackknifed onto the shoulder. It appeared as if you’d pulled off the road in a hurry. I thought you might be in trouble.”

  “Nope, no trouble.”

  Her lips twitched. “Just an urgent need to make sure you were packing your personal product?”

  “Exactly.”

  “Let me give you some free advice. In the future, it’ll be a whole lot better if you don’t put your hand behind your back when approached by a police officer. We tend to get nervous when you do that.”

  He couldn’t imagine a repeat of this situation in a million years, but he nodded, as if taking her comment to heart. “I understand. Am I free to go now?”

  “Just be careful pulling back into traffic, and make sure that fifth wheel doesn’t end up in the ditch. We have vehicles stuck all up and down this road today. I’d hate for you to be one of them.”

  “Thank you, Officer.” Tucking the vibrator under his arm, he made his way back to the cab and tried to get as much slush off as possible before climbing into the blissfully warm interior. He handed the vibrator to Vivian.

  “Finally!” She took the vibrator and switched it on. “I thought you’d be standing out there forever! What did that cop want, anyway?”

  “She thought we might have some trouble because it looked like we’d pulled off the road abruptly.”

  Vivian smiled and ran the vibrator along his thigh. “Did you tell her I had you by the short hairs?”

  “What do you think?” He watched the vibrator and found himself responding, whether he wanted to or not.

  “I think you didn’t say that. I’ll bet you had no idea what to say when you were caught out in broad daylight with a bright green vibrator in your hand.”

  “Look, I have to pull into traffic, and she’s going to be back there watching. You’d better turn that off.”

  “Why? Does she have X-ray vision?”

  “She said we shouldn’t operate it while the vehicle is moving.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “Vivian, stop looking like that. She wasn’t giving an order, just making a suggestion.”

  “Just drive, Kurt, baby.”

  “Are you going to tarn it off?”

  “Maybe. Maybe not.” She jabbed him in the crotch with the vibrator, which made him jump. “Get us out of here.”

  Checking quickly for traffic, he gunned the motor and the truck lurched forward onto the pavement. The fifth wheel jerked sideways, but then it followed, thank God.

  The hum of the vibrator continued, but at least Vivian wasn’t running it along his thigh anymore. He glanced in the side mirror and, sure enough, the cop was tailing them. He’d have to drive like a damned saint until the cop got bored and peeled off.

  And driving like a saint wouldn’t be easy. Vivian had unzipped her khaki cargo pants. He should never have told her the officer had advised against using the vibrator when the vehicle was moving. Being Vivian, she intended to do exactly that.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Ally wondered if there was any way during this store visit that she could skip out to take some pictures. Alone. Maybe Mitchell would get absorbed in looking at the chain-saw nudes. She’d never met a man yet who wasn’t intrigued by nude sculptures, no matter whether the boobs matched or not. Then again, she was dying to know if he’d try to buy condoms, and if he could accomplish it without causing a stir.

  But if she wanted to escape to go tramping around on the outskirts of town looking for critters, she’d have to give up the potential of watching him fumble his way through the condom situation. And she did want to go tramping around. That’s what she’d come to Alaska for. She needed to remember that no matter how Mitchell tempted her, she hadn’t come to Alaska for sex.

  Betsy led the way into Heavenly Provisions. “Hey, Serena,” Betsy called out, as if she were dropping in on a neighbor. “I’ve brought you some customers.”

  “Be right there!” A woman’s voice drifted from a back room. “I have to finish setting the candle wicks!”

  Ally unzipped her coat and pushed back her hood as she glanced around with interest. Grammy would have turned up her nose at the musty old place, but Ally liked it. If she weren’t so eager to get outside and take pictures, she could prowl around in here for hours.

  Everything was so different from what she’d known in Bel Air. She’d never been in a place where the walls were decorated with animal skins. Even the hunting and fishing gear fascinated her. She wasn’t into that, but the colorful paraphernalia would make a cool photo collage.

  Three sets of free-standing shelves in the middle of the store held the bulk of the grocery-store part, although Ally noticed boots and hats interspersed with crackers and canned veggies. Heavy knit sweaters hung on a rack in one corner. A glass case under the front counter was filled with Native Indian jewelry, much of it with a Porcupine theme, plus several colorful pillar candles, which probably explained Serena’s comment.

  The chain-saw nudes paraded across a ledge behind the counter. They were of varying heights, with the average being about four feet. These girls had serious problems, and matching boobs were the least of them. For one thing, none of them had necks, or even much in the way of faces.

  Their chest measurements were substantial, but as Betsy had noted, no two breasts were alike. Each one jutted out independent of the other, a rough-hewn cone reminiscent of Madonna in her early days. The size of the boobs would have caused the sculpture to tip over, except the artist had given each nude sumo-wrestler legs and feet the size of snowboards. Dave either needed a few lessons or a truckload of therapy.

  “Here I am, here I am.” The store’s owner swept out of the back room wearing a wool caftan with more colors woven into it than Ally could count From her feathered earrings and burgundy hair to the beaded moccasins on her feet, she proclaimed herself a free spirit. “This must be Mitchell and Ally, Porcupine’s newest arrivals! Welcome!” She came toward Ally, hands outstretched.

  For a minute, Ally thought Serena might pull her in for a big hug. Instead she simply gave Ally’s hands a tight squeeze. Then she did the same thing with Mitchell, who didn’t seem to know what to make of her.

  “You two have come to Porcupine at the perfect time,” she said.

  Mitchell looked doubtful. “How’s that?”

  “It’s the slow season, so everything in my store is fifty percent off! Look around, find what your heart has been yearning for, and let’s make a deal.”

  Betsy sauntered over to a shelf and picked up two boxes of condoms. “Fifty percent off on these?”

  “Oh, why not?” Serena turned to Ally. “Although that’s an item that sells like hotcakes during the winter. I think it’s nature’s way of balancing our moods up here. We don’t get as much sunlight as we need to stay cheerful, so we compensate with lots of sex.”

  “Makes sense,” Ally said. But the constant focus on the subject blew her aw
ay. She’d never heard so much open discussion of sex in her life, not even in the sorority house.

  Maybe that explained her sudden attraction to Mitchell. She was compensating for the lack of sunshine. Glancing over at the current object of her affections, she found him studying the chain-saw nudes, just as she’d predicted.

  Serena obviously noticed, too, and moved closer to him. “I can give you a really good price on one of these fine pieces of interpretive sculpture,” she said. “The artist, David Beedleman, is local. We’re so lucky to have him living and creating his fine works right here in Porcupine.”

  “Out of curiosity, how much are they?” Mitchell asked.

  “Normally, they sell from one thousand up to three, but I’ll—”

  “A thousand dollars!” Mitchell’s jaw dropped.

  Serena moved smoothly past his astonishment. “That’s what something this unusual would go for in a sophisticated environment like New York City. But you’re lucky because you’re buying practically straight from the artist, who is a personal friend of mine.”

  “I’m not really interested in buying. I just—”

  “Ah, but you asked a buying question,” Serena said brightly. “David would want me to give you a special price, because you’re a visitor in his hometown. Why don’t you tell me what you’d be willing to pay for such a fine piece?”

  Mitchell had a deer-in-the-headlights look. “The thing is, I wouldn’t have a way to get it home.”

  “I’ll ship it. Just pick out the one you want.”

  “You know, actually, I don’t have a spot for it, either.”

  “These will go anywhere.”

  Mitchell sent Ally a pleading glance, as if asking her to throw him a line.

  She just smiled. He was on his own, although she thought his consideration for Serena’s feelings was very sweet.

  Clearing his throat, Mitch turned back to Serena. “In my current living situation, I wouldn’t exactly feel comfortable adding a piece of sculpture.”

  “But when will you have this kind of opportunity again?” Serena asked.

  The sound of a tractor outside, no doubt Dave plowing the street in front of the store, made it hard to hear Mitchell’s answer. Entertaining though the exchange had been, Ally had listened long enough, anyway. She had other fish to fry.

  She walked over toward Betsy, who was taking a carton of eggs out of a refrigerated case. “Are those from Rudy’s chickens?” she asked.

  “Uh-huh. He used to give the eggs away, but I convinced him to have Serena sell them, so they both can make some money. I know Rudy keeps the chickens for pure enjoyment, but he needs to make a little something to keep him in chicken feed. The shuttle service doesn’t bring in enough to keep him going.”

  “Then I’m glad you suggested it.” Ally glanced over toward Mitchell. Serena had taken one of the smaller nudes and handed it to him. He held it awkwardly, one hand clutching a boob and the other a thigh, while Serena continued to talk, probably heaping praise on Dave’s artistic merits.

  Watching him standing there clutching the ugly nude, Ally had the oddest rush of tenderness, which was really weird. Then the tender feeling was followed by a zing of sexual heat. She hoped she wasn’t getting hooked on Mitchell. That would be very inconvenient.

  “She’s going to sell him one, yet,” Betsy said.

  “She might, at that.” As the tractor noise outside the window grew louder, Ally turned back to Betsy. “Listen, I think I’ll leave you and Mitchell to finish up the shopping while I go take a few pictures.” She needed some distance between her and this guy, needed to get back on track with her original purpose in being here.

  “You don’t want Mitchell to go, too?”

  “To tell you the truth, I’d rather go by myself. He’s not really into it, and I’ve been dying to get out and roam around ever since yesterday.”

  Betsy glanced at an antique Regulator clock on the wall. “It’s almost lunchtime. I thought we’d stop by the Top Hat for something to eat. You could go after that.”

  “I could, but I’d rather go now, while Mitchell’s involved in something else. Tell you what. I’ll meet you two at the Top Hat in an hour or so.”

  Betsy gave her a woman-to-woman glance. “Girl, I know what you mean about doing some things on your own. Sometimes we need a little time to ourselves, don’t we?”

  “Yes, we do. I’ll meet you guys at the Top Hat.” She headed for the door. But before she reached it, Mitchell turned, the nude in both hands. “Ally?”

  She paused. “What?” She noticed that the tractor motor had been turned oft”, as if Dave had parked the thing right outside. She hoped she wouldn’t have to deal with him once she slipped out the door.

  “These sculptures are made from cedar,” Mitchell said. “They smell really great.”

  “Interesting.” She wondered if she’d just lost her chance to escape. And something was definitely going on outside with Dave. She could hear loud voices.

  Mitchell seemed to be totally involved in this sculpture decision, though. He looked at the three-foot nude he now held by the waist. “So I was thinking that maybe—”

  Whatever he’d been about to say was cut short as the door flew open and Dave hurtled through it, followed by a short man who was hollering and waving his arms.

  “I never said you could use my tractor!” the little guy yelled. “You stole it! You’re using up my gas! I bought that gas! I’m gonna have you arrested!”

  Dave glanced frantically around and spotted Ally. “There you are! I thought I saw you come in here. Tell this lunatic that all I wanted to do was borrow his tractor. That’s what I told you this morning, right?”

  “Right. But—”

  “Right! Hear that, Ernie? The word is borrow, not steal.”

  “But you didn’t even ask me!” Ernie bellowed. “I get up from my nap, look out the window, and my tractor is gone! Is that stealing? You bet your sweet bippy!”

  “You were passed out! How could I ask if you were comatose?”

  “I was not!” Ernie advanced on him, face contorted. “Forget the police. We’re snowed in, so nobody could get here to arrest you, anyway! I’ll take care of it myself.” With that he launched himself at Dave.

  “You idiot!” Dave tried to fight him off. “That’s why I had to plow, so we could have the roads open for an emergency!”

  “We’re about to have one!” screeched the little guy, going for Dave’s throat.

  “Stop, stop!” Serena started toward them. “There’s no fighting allowed in Heavenly Provisions!”

  “That’s enough!” Mitchell put down the nude. Grabbing hold of Ernie, he pulled him, kicking and screaming, off Dave. “You are not going to trash this woman’s place of business.”

  Ally was torn. On the one hand, she would love to see how Mitchell handled this matter. On the other, Dave and Ernie had given her the perfect cover for skedaddling out of the store. After all, she’d told Betsy where she was going and Mitchell seemed to be in control of the situation. Edging toward the door, she slipped outside.

  Freedom.

  * * *

  Mitch hadn’t wanted in on this altercation, but he couldn’t stand by while one man assaulted another, especially in a store where damage could be done to the merchandise. He was touched by Serena’s devotion to her place and its contents, and he didn’t want Dave and Ernie making a mess.

  So he grabbed Ernie in a bear hug and pinned his arms to his body. “Get his legs, Dave.”

  “Will do.” Dave latched on to his legs and helped wrestle him to the floor.

  “I’ll sue the lot of you!” Ernie struggled to get up. “Can’t steal a man’s tractor and then act like it’s nothing! I don’t care if this is Alaska. We have laws here, too, you know!”

  “I have a suggestion,” Betsy said, pitching her voice loud enough to be heard over Ernie’s caterwauling.

  Mitch glanced up at her. “What’s that?”

  “Try the hair of the dog.
Carry him over to the Top Hat and get some beer into him. I guarantee he’ll settle down.”

  “I don’t want no beer!” Ernie said. “Let me up so I can teach this yahoo a lesson!”

  “Beer would probably work,” Serena said. “Mitchell, before you go, would you like to have me wrap this sculpture for you?”

  “Uh, well…” Now that Mitch had some distance from her sales pitch, he realized he’d been about to buy the sculpture because he’d felt sorry for Serena, who so obviously believed in the value of those hideous things. He’d justified it because at least they smelled nice, but that was sort of dumb, even if Serena had brought the price down to ten bucks. He could get a can of Glade for a lot less.

  “You’re going to buy one of my sculptures?” Dave’s face lit up. “Wow, that’s awesome! I’ve never—” He stopped speaking and coughed. “I’ve never sold one in February. It’s a slow time of the year.”

  Mitch guessed that Dave had never sold one, period. That wouldn’t be surprising. They were incredibly ugly. But now he was caught, hooked in by Dave’s excitement over making his first-ever sale.

  He didn’t even like the guy, but dousing that glow of joy on Dave’s face seemed like intolerable cruelty. And the wood did smell terrific. Having it in his room, or Ally’s room if she wanted it, might be kind of nice.

  Ernie kept raving. “I don’t give a good goddamn whether you sell one of your precious sculptures, you tractor thief! They’re not good for nothin’ except if I can use one to whap you upside the head.”

  “Sure, wrap it up,” Mitch said. “I’ll come back for it later.” That way, he could buy condoms when he picked up the sculpture.

  “That’s okay,” Betsy said. “I’ll carry it over to the lodge for you. I have to take my staff back home, anyway. I’ll meet you all at the Top Hat.”

  “Wait, wait,” Dave said. “Serena, how about if you closed for lunch and took it over to the Top Hat unwrapped? I want to show Clyde which one I sold.”

  Serena nodded, smiling at him. “I can do that, David.”

  Mitch wasn’t crazy about everyone at the Top Hat knowing he’d been sucker enough to buy one of these monstrosities, but he couldn’t think of a good reason to object. “Then let’s go. Dave, we’ll pick him up on three. One, two, three.”