Once his health was fully restored, Josh took a job in a remote hamlet in Alaska. In the beginning he made little effort to socialize, but gradually allowed a woman in the company office to befriend him until they ended up in his bed one night.
He lay silent and unmoving, as she trailed her hands over his nude body followed by several open mouth kisses. Although he had invited her there, he took no pleasure in what she was doing. He continued to stare at the ceiling until she abruptly stopped.
“This would be a lot better if you were with me.”
“Unfortunately, my mind is somewhere else. I’m sorry.” He moved off the bed.
She sat back on her heels and watched him.
“Men deplore this question, but I’ve never been known for my subtlety. Have you seen a doctor about your impotency?”
Dark color rushed up to taint his cheeks.
“I don’t need a doctor,” he said through clenched teeth. “You may as well take off, Loni. We’re both wasting our time here.”
She scrambled off the bed and pressed her nude body against him, winding her arms around his waist.
“Let me stay. I won’t bother you. We don’t even have to talk.”
“You won’t bother me anymore than I bother myself,” he said, unlacing her fingers.
She stepped back and walked to her clothes.
“Oh well, you can’t blame a girl for trying. Besides being extremely well endowed in your male plumbing, you have a killer body. I admit I was looking forward to some action. I get a rush just looking at you.”
“A hell of a lot of good it does,” he snorted in embarrassment and pulled on a pair of jeans.
“I’d be willing to try again.” When he didn’t answer her, she pointed to the scars on his chest bathed in the moonlight. “Nasty looking body art you have there. They must have hurt like the devil.”
His mind did a quick flashback.
“The pain is gone, but the memories remain.”
“Now there’s a cryptic reply that’s bound to intrigue a girl. You’re such a mystery, Josh. That’s why people talk about you at work.”
He cocked a brow.
“Is that so? What do they say?”
“They admire you professionally, but think you’re a snob because you don’t mix.”
“Perhaps I should pat a few butts now and then to let them know how friendly I can be.”
Loni chuckled.
“No, don’t do that or they’ll get you for sexual harassment. It’s just that you’re an enigma. You fascinate them because you never tell anyone anything about yourself. Personally, I like a good mystery, but it can drive most people nuts.”
“They must be pretty hard up for entertainment if they have to use me for their amusement. Now you’ll really have a choice tidbit to add some spark,” he ground out.
“I don’t get my jollies like that. I wish things could have been different between us, but I promise you tonight won’t be added fodder for office gossip.”
“I’d appreciate that.”
“I wonder what secrets from your past have brought you here.” She pointed to his chest. “It seems to me the scars inside have cut you deeper than those.”
“Most people suffer from scars of one kind or another.”
“Yes they do.” She hesitated. “I hope for your sake you can get the woman you’re running from out of your system, so you can stop running from yourself.”
“What makes you think there’s a woman?”
“Just a wild guess. I’ll see you around,” she said and closed the door.
His body ached with the need for release. He’d been so sure he was ready for Loni only to disappoint her and humiliate himself. Catherine’s image haunted him no matter what he did. How was it possible to loathe a woman and yet hunger for her so? He simply could not get rid of the mind clogging, gut wrenching need for her.
The familiar sharp pain sliced through him, as he thought about Catherine and Tom being together. Seeing her with Tom’s baby had tipped him over the edge mentally and emotionally. He’d often wondered if he would have handled things differently that day at her aunt’s had his head been screwed on straight, but he’d never know now.
Feeling the need to make amends for last night’s fiasco, Josh hoped to catch Loni before she left work the next day. Unsure of himself, he felt like a man getting ready to encounter a downpour with a leaky umbrella. He pulled into the parking lot after being in the field all day and saw her unlocking her car.
He hoped it was a good sign that she waited while he walked to her.
“Will you join me for a beer?” he asked, bracing himself for her refusal.
She shrugged.
“Sure, why not? I’ll meet you at the usual place.”
Loni had introduced him to her favorite haunt – a rustic bar with sawdust scattered across the floor and stuffed big game heads lining the wood paneled walls. She opted for a table in a corner while Josh walked over to the bar to get their drinks. She’d barely taken a seat when a woman in tight jeans and low cut sweater sauntered over to her.
“Hiding in the shadows, Lon? Not that I blame you for wanting to keep that gorgeous hunk to yourself,” she purred glancing over her shoulder to where Josh stood at the bar. “How about you invite me to join you?”
Loni scowled at the woman’s deep cleavage.
“How about you get lost?”
“Oh come on, don’t be a spoilsport. All I’m asking for is a simple introduction.”
“Yeah, right. We both know nothing is ever simple with you when it comes to men, Gloria. One minute the guy’s standing and the next thing you know you’ve got him horizontal with his pants down around his ankles.”
“You sound jealous, Lon. Not afraid of a little competition, are you?”
“Hardly, and even if I was you’d be wasting your time. He’s not your type. The man has morals. Now go away. and peddle your raging hormones on someone else.”
Gloria started to sputter a retort when a man came up and slung his arm across her shoulders, drawing her into the side of his body.
“Hey Glo, how’s it going?”
She beamed at him.
“Much better now that you're here, honey. I was about to perish from boredom,” she said with a pointed glare directed at Loni. “Why don't you buy me a drink and we'll see about perking things up.”
He laughed and led her away.
Josh returned just as they left.
“I hope I didn't chase your friends off.”
“You didn't and they’re not friends – more like piranha.” She held her glass in a toast as soon as he had settled onto his chair.
“Here's to all the lovers who got away.”
They clicked glasses and drink.
“I wasn't sure if you'd take me up on my offer.”
“I never turn down anyone who's buying.”
“At least I can give you that pleasure.”
“Don't worry about last night. Maybe I'm not the right kind of woman for you.”
She tilted her head to one side and studied him.
“I keep asking myself why a good looking guy like you would take a job alone in such an out of the way place.”
“Maybe I just like the snow.”
“Or maybe I was right about a certain woman that’s still out there.” She raised her glass to her lips. “What's the matter did she run off with your best friend?” Her hand froze in midair when she saw his expression. “Oh crap! Me and my big mouth. I didn't mean to go digging around in private territory. I'm sorry, Josh.”
He stared into the creamy white, floating in his glass.
“You're very astute.”
“Yeah, I’m a real mind reader,” she said sarcastically. “Want to talk about it?”
“There isn’t anything to say that hasn’t already been dissected to pieces.”
“She marked up your heart real good. You must have loved her very much.”
The softly spoken statement caused his i
nsides to ache.
“I had an image of what I thought love might be, but images are often an invention of the mind.”
“I don’t know what happened and I’m not going to ask you again. My personal philosophy is simple; if you can’t fix a problem, then you have to move on. All that unfinished business has a way of cluttering up life and making it difficult to let in any new stuff.”
“Yes it does,” he agreed in a quiet voice.
She leaned toward him.
“So why don’t you try clearing the slate and start fresh?”
“I have a poor track record. I made some bad choices; trusted the wrong people.”
“Welcome to the human race. We all make mistakes, Josh.”
“Maybe, but in my case it’s cost me dearly.”
“Spilt milk. If you can’t mop it up, it starts to stink after awhile, so you move on.
Hashing over things we shouldn’t have done doesn’t change the fact that we did them.”
“I can’t argue with that.”
Josh looked around and suddenly realized he didn’t want to be there with the canned music and voices raised in chatter and laughter. It reminded him that people were enjoying life while his remained stagnant. His nostrils flared at the mixed odors of spilt beer, cheap cologne, and stale sweat. He finished his beer and stood up.
“Thanks for the company and the advice.”
“Anytime.” She raised her glass. “Thanks for the beer.”
“You’re a good woman, Loni; too good to waste your time on a wreck like me.”
“Wrecks can be restored, but I don’t happen to think you fit in that category. For what it’s worth, it would be a shame to allow any woman to get the best of you. You do, and she wins. You don’t strike me as a man who’s used to losing.”
>>>>dreams<<<<
Minutes later Josh sat in his truck going over what Loni said. As long as he allowed Catherine to rule his emotions he gave her the power to defeat him; to keep him enslaved to his feelings for her. He slammed his hand against the steering wheel.
“Damn you, Catherine. When will I ever be free of you?”
Chapter Fourteen
Catherine made a concentrated effort to respond to Ryan’s lovemaking, but knew she failed when she didn’t feel so much as the tiniest spark of emotion. It wasn’t that he repulsed her. He had a good build, a nice personality, and treated her with respect. That should have been enough, but she felt herself pulling away physically and mentally.
He stopped kissing her and stared at her for a few moments before moving away to lean his head back against the couch. She understood how tenuous his position was with Josh’s shadow intruding between them. Using Ryan to fill in the lonely hours was unfair and made her ashamed. He was a decent man who shouldn’t have to deal with the frustration he experienced every time he tried to get close to her.
“I’m sorry, Ryan. Maybe it’d help if we went into your bedroom?”
“Different room; same two people. Let’s face it Catherine, the chemistry just isn’t there between us. It looks like the best we can expect is that we’ll be colleagues and maybe friends – just not lovers.”
A wave of regret washed over her followed by her usual sense of guilt.
“I’m so worthless it’s a wonder you even bother with me.” She looked at him, her eyes swimming with unshed tears. “You deserve to be more than a consolation prize. I hate myself for hurting you like this and continuing to sabotage the good you offer me.”
He sat up and took both her petite hands in his sturdy ones.
“Listen to me. You are not worthless because I don’t turn you on. Please don’t belittle yourself like that. You’re a wonderful young woman who deserves more out of life than you seem to realize. It makes me sad to see the way you continue to use your vulnerability to Josh against yourself.”
Her cheeks flushed with instant color.
“I don’t do that. I’m fine,” she insisted.
“Catherine, I’m not blind. I know what fine looks like, and I don’t see that when I look at you.” He paused a moment. “You’re a hostage of your own feelings for him.”
Josh’s last visit flashed in her head. He’d been filled with anger, but beyond that it was his look of sorrow as though something inside him had died, that still haunted her.
“Look how Tom’s deep love for Nancy consumed him. It’s not healthy to make another person responsible for your individual happiness. I’m really more frustrated than sad, so I’m not sure what you mean about Josh.”
“Yes you do. I’ve watched you for months dragging yourself through each day as though it were an ordeal. It’s obvious that what you need, I can’t provide. Why don’t you take a few days off and try to resolve things once and for all?”
She tugged her hands free and shifted away from him. “What things?” she asked, hesitantly.
“I think we’ve just established that. I won’t infringe on our friendship by insisting you share your private thoughts, since you would have by now if that was your intention. But it’s important to be honest with yourself. It’s for the best, Catherine. Trust me.”
She heard the empathy in his voice and felt her insides collapse.
“It’s easier to pretend that everything is okay,” she whispered in a voice that wasn’t quite steady.
“How well I know, but denial only prolongs the doubt. You’re not going to be able to get Josh out of your head until you get him out of your heart. Go find him.”
“I’ve thought of doing that a hundred times, but then I get scared. There’s no guarantee I’ll be able to do any good even if I can get his family to tell me where he is.”
“True, but you owe it to yourself to try, and I’d be very surprised if you were the only one suffering.” He stood up and held out his hand. “It’s time I took you home.”
>>>>dreams<<<<
Ivy knelt in front of a large flowerbed digging up any stray weeds that dared to invade the area. Her garden was important to her. People always said her yard was one of the prettiest around and she liked that distinction. It took a lot of hard work, but the rewards were well worth the effort. Her roses had earned her first prize at the county fair several years running and she liked winning at whatever she put her mind to.
She sat back to admire her work when she heard a car drive up and stop at the other side of the house. She frowned. She hadn’t been expecting anyone, and she didn’t appreciate people stopping by without an invitation. She stood up, removed her gardening gloves, and gave the front of her faded jeans a quick brushing down.
Catherine stepped out of the car and was stretching when Ivy appeared, walking briskly toward her. She saw the initial veneer of a friendly greeting drop away into a scowling expression and felt as though she should have brought a white flag to wave.
Ivy fixed her with a cold glare.
“You’re the kind of intruder people put up no trespassing signs for. What are you doing here?”
Catherine was tempted to state that no signs would be necessary if Ivy used the searing dislike in her voice on anyone who dared to approach her. But she was here on a peace mission and couldn’t afford to antagonize the woman.
“I hoped time might have softened your heart toward me, Mrs. Dallas, but I see I was wrong. Can’t you try to understand how hard it was for me to come here? Won’t you at least give me a chance?”
“A chance for what?” she demanded contemptuously. “To wreak more havoc?”
“I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone. I would like to know how Josh is doing.”
“How solicitous of you,” Ivy sneered. “You could have telephoned.”
“I think we both know you would have hung up, just as you’ve done all the other times I’ve called. Josh and I were once very close. Is it asking too much to want to know that he’s all right? Despite what you think, I really do care about him.”
“He’s fine, but no thanks to you I might add.”
“Please tell me where he is,�
�� Catherine implored, further humbling herself.
“Begging now?” A look of triumph leaped into Ivy’s eyes. “How pitiful you are.”
Catherine’s stomach churned.
“I came here in good faith. All I’m asking is that you look beyond your animosity toward me, so that I can set things straight with Josh.”
“If you really want to make things right, you’ll leave him alone. Josh has made a new life for himself and he obviously doesn’t want to include you. Once you accept that we’ll all be better off. What is this compulsion you have to keep complicating things?”
“I’m not trying to complicate the situation, but everything that happened has been based on fabrication. I don’t want Josh to go on thinking . . .”
Ivy held up her hand.
“I don’t care to hear any of your excuses. Your little fling with him hardly qualifies as a great romance. You need to get it through your head that you were merely one of his many women and your time ended long ago.” She hurled the brutal words clearly intent on wounding. “I refuse to let you pester my son again.”
“You couldn’t understand what we meant to each other because you never saw us together. So with all due respect, I hardly think you’re in a position to judge the quality of the relationship I had with him.”
“You think not? I’ve seen enough females come and go in his life not to know exactly what goes through Josh’s head. Apparently you’re under the delusion that you were somehow different. If you were, don’t you think he would have told his family? I’m sure you’ll recall none of us had heard of you until the day you showed up with Tom.”
“I don’t know why he didn’t mention me, but he loved me enough to want to marry me,” she said feeling the need to establish how important she’d been to Josh, despite knowing she was clinging to an old promise that had grown cold with time.
Dreams~Shadows of the Night Page 10
