If You Ever Change Your Mind

by B. Love

  There was only one man she had feelings for, and when he left so did her desire for love and marriage.

  For a little while.

  For a little while Hali lost herself. Her values. But as she carried her sheets to her laundry room she was slowly returning to herself, her values and her desires.

  Hoping Levandis would be getting dressed when she returned to her room, Hali was disappointed to find him putting a new set of sheets on her bed in nothing but his boxers. She started to back out of her room and leave him alone but his voice stopped her.

  “I’m out of condoms, so I need to make a store run. Do you want me to bring anything else back? You hungry?”

  Hali leaned against her doorframe and took in Levandis’ frame from behind. He was handsome, well hung and had the sexiest voice Hali had ever heard… all three making him the perfect friend with benefits in Hali’s mind. But that wasn’t what she wanted anymore.

  She wanted a husband. She wanted to start her own family. She wanted a man that she could actually spend time outside of their bedrooms with. One that she could have conversations with or sit in silence with. Have heated discussions with respectfully and agree with because of their similarities. She wanted a man she could grow and build with.

  Levandis offered her none of that.

  So as much as she enjoyed the feel of him between her legs, Hali knew that today things would have to end between them.

  “Levandis,” she called quietly as she walked over to him.

  “What’s up, birthday girl?”

  He turned towards her with a genuine smile that made Hali’s heart ache.

  “These past few months with you have been great,” his smile wavered, silencing Hali momentarily, “But…” his smile fell completely. Hali entangled her fingers and squeezed her hands together nervously, “I can’t keep doing this.”

  “Why not? What’s wrong, Hali?”

  “It’s not that something is wrong. It’s just that… this isn’t me,” Hali took his hand into hers and they both sat on her bed, “I’ve never wanted this kind of arrangement for such a long period of time. It has never been a secret to anyone that knows me that I want love, marriage and a family of my own.

  When I met you, I was…” she pushed thoughts of Lucas out of her mind as her heart immediately began to ache even more, “Heartbroken and angry. I didn’t want to feel, but I can’t hide the fact that I want more anymore.”

  “I understand. I should’ve known a good woman like you wouldn’t settle for this for too long.”

  Levandis kissed her cheek and it lifted when she smiled. She watched him stand and walk over to her beanbag to retrieve his clothes.

  Instead of putting his shirt on immediately, he held it as he turned and looked at her. Levandis put his shirt back on the beanbag and grabbed his pants. She watched him go through one pocket and move to the other. After retrieving a blue box, he slowly walked back over to Hali. Recognizing the blue as Tiffany & Co., Hali smiled as her eyes watered. Here he was, giving her a birthday present after she’d ended things with him when he could’ve easily kept and returned it.

  Levandis sat next to her and held the box out for her to take, but Hali shook her head as she pushed his hand away.

  “I can’t take that, Levandis. Return it or save it to give to someone else.”

  Ignoring her statement, Levandis opened the box and removed the three-thousand-dollar necklace that she simply refused to buy for herself. Not until Christmas at least. It was hard enough for her to spend a thousand dollars on the earrings. It was going to take a heck of a bad or good day to muster up the courage to buy the matching necklace. Now she didn’t have to.

  “Levandis, I can’t…”

  “Shut up, Hali,” he ordered quietly with a smile, wrapping the necklace around her neck. After latching the lock securely, Levandis kissed it and her neck before standing, “Enjoy the rest of your birthday.”

  Hali played tug of war with her mind and heart as she watched him dress. Her mind told her to let him go. That it was best this way. That the longer she held on to what wasn’t for her the longer she wouldn’t have room for what was. Her heart told her that Levandis was quiet but sweet. And he was better than loneliness. And if she was to be completely honest with herself, Hali had no desire to jump into the dating game again.

  If she was going to do this, it would have to be with the help of Soren. No more meeting random guys and going on random dates that weren’t leading to anything. If she was going to do this, she was going to get serious about her search for a husband. No more leaving things to chance and going with the flow. No more playing it safe. She was going to date on purpose.

  Hali stood and walked over to Levandis. Her arms wrapped around his waist. Chin went to the center of his back. Levandis wrapped his arms around hers and tilted his head back.

  “Don’t go to getting in your feelings and thinking you have to change your mind,” Levandis turned to face her, taking her into his arms, “We both know that I wasn’t looking for commitment either and I’m still not, so I won’t hold you back.”

  Levandis pecked her lips twice, then took her into a much needed, deep embrace. Unsure of when she’d be in the arms of a man again, Hali took full advantage of the feel of his arms, chest and heartbeat. When it was over, she returned to her place in bed and watched him dress… twirling the necklace around her finger the entire time. It wasn’t until she walked him to the door that she realized she hadn’t thanked him yet.

  “I’m really not comfortable taking this, but if you won’t take it back… thank you.”

  Levandis tilted his head and pulled her into his arms.

  “You said you wanted it, right?” she nodded, attempt to lower her head denied by his hand cupping her chin, “Never forget that you’re the type of woman who deserves everything she wants, Hali. Never settle for less.”

  Resisting the urge to ask him to get on some act right and commit to her, Hali nodded and removed herself from his grip.

  “Thanks, Levandis. You should go before I ask you to stay.”

  His mouth opened, as if it was on the tip of his tongue to agree to staying, but he turned and walked out instead. Hali stood there for a while before returning to her room. She retrieved her phone from her dresser and crawled up the middle of her bed. After sending Soren a text telling her to lock her in for an appointment as soon as possible, Hali laid down and tried to allow sleep to find her, but she knew that wouldn’t happen any time soon when all the empty space in her bed plagued her with loneliness and regret from Levandis’ absence.

  2

  Lucas

  Lucas knew the moment he said I do to Shanice that he was making the biggest mistake of his life, but it was too late at that point to turn back. They were married for six months before the divorce was finalized.

  It started out okay. As okay as it could given the circumstances.

  Lucas was blessed with an angel investor, and his product line was doing so well he was slated to bring in a million dollars during his first year of business. The Berry Juice as he called it quickly gained enough momentum to have distribution deals coming in from all over. He settled with partnering with Amazon, but decided that he wanted to start his own chain of beauty supply stores to house his products instead of selling them anywhere else. A beauty supply store for African American’s owned, managed and employing African Americans. He planned to sell not only his products, but other African American lines for natural and relaxed hair alike. Even with his products doing as well as they were, Lucas continued on with his classes and DVD’s, which only added to his wealth.

  As much as Lucas had on his plate, he spent more time with Luca than Shanice. It was her bright idea that they move to New York so she could pursue her modeling career. As if she wasn’t getting enough money out of his pockets. He agreed, trying to satisfy his wife and keep her happy, but Lucas soon regretted the move when he had to entrust his son with strangers while he worked.

  Wantin
g to return to Memphis to be near Luana and Shanice’s family that desperately wanted to get to know Luca, Lucas gave Shanice an ultimatum – make her family her priority and do her modeling during her free time or return to Memphis and travel every once in a while for gigs. Her counter – divorce. The two had absolutely nothing in common but the half of themselves they put into Luca. Lucas was laid back and wanted to enjoy his son while Shanice wanted to wild out and spend her days at parties and networking. Sure, he enjoyed having sets and going to clubs before Luca because it made him forget about his loneliness, but now… Luca did that. Their visions for life didn’t match at all, so when Shanice suggested they divorce Lucas happily agreed.

  Four months later, Lucas found himself watching what had to be the most heartbreaking thing he’d ever seen – Shanice saying goodbye to their son.

  Not goodbye for the day or the week; goodbye for forever.

  Shanice didn’t just agree to letting Luca return to Memphis to live with Lucas. No, she agreed to giving up full custody as not to feel obligated to return to her old life – as long as Lucas doubled the amount of her spousal support. Now, she planned on moving to Miami to be a video vixen and Instagram model. Who was Lucas to allow their son to stand in the way of his mother’s plans?

  “So this was your plan all along, huh?” he asked, watching as she picked a sleeping Luca up and pulled him into her arms, “You never wanted me. All you wanted was my seed. Not my child, but my seed. A guaranteed way into my pocket for the next eighteen years. You had no plans of making this marriage work, did you?”

  Shanice rolled her eyes, placing a few soft kisses to Luca’s face.

  “Please don’t start getting dramatic, Lucas. It’s not like you wanted to be with me.”

  “I made it clear from the jump how I felt and what I was willing to do for you. You’re the one that’s been lying and playing games the entire time. It’s over now, Shanice. Be honest for once.”

  Shanice placed Luca back in his car seat. It was the only thing besides a few bags that Lucas planned to take on their flight that was left in their empty home.

  “Fine, yes, I wanted a quick come up. I saw the potential in you and I capitalized. No, I wasn’t expecting you to do right by our son and propose to me, but I wasn’t going to turn your proposal down. You made it very clear that you didn’t love me, so I didn’t think we would have any problems. What I wasn’t expecting was you to think that just because I was a wife and mother that my life was going to revolve around the two of you. You’re living your dream. You’ve accomplished your goals. I haven’t. Luca isn’t going to stop me from living my life and neither are you. So if you want to take that as me using you for your seed,” Shanice shrugged and looked from Lucas to Luca, “I guess I did.”

  There was no way Lucas could ever willingly live without Luca. If anything, he’d give his life for Luca’s to avoid being without his son. That’s just how much he’d grown to love Luca in the short span of his life. So to hear a woman, a being that was created to nurture, a mother… talk so nonchalantly about the child she gave birth to…

  “Why don’t you go ahead and leave, Shanice? I don’t want you to miss that flight to Miami.”

  Lucas grabbed Luca’s car seat to take him downstairs, growing irritated by Shanice’s closeness behind him.

  “I was hoping we could…”

  Before she could even get her request out Lucas was stopping in his tracks and turning to face her with pure disgust lacing his face. She was out of her damn mind if she thought he was ever having sex with her again. Sure, he wanted Luca to have at least one sibling like he did, but that sibling was not coming from Shanice. Until he found the right woman, the little one growing inside of Luana’s womb would be Luca’s cousin and sibling.

  “Don’t even let that foolishness fall from your lips.”

  She continued to follow behind him just as closely, allowing her fingers to slowly slide down his back.

  “Fine. Do right by my baby, Luke.”

  Now that had all the calmness he was trying to keep beginning to fade away. It was hard enough facing her knowing he failed at something he took extremely seriously but that he lost Hali in the process. It was hard enough not spazzing on her for being such a heartless female who could give away such a precious and beautiful jewel. He already felt stupid for giving up his life to help her achieve her goals. Now she wanted to question his ability to raise his son?

  “You signed away your rights to Luca this morning, Shanice. He’s no longer your son. I’m the only parent he will know and have. Now I’m trying to be respectful towards you on the strength of him and you being a woman, but I need for you to gone on before I click out on your ass.”

  “Lucas,” Shanice grabbed his free arm, and he was so turned off by her that he pulled himself away, “This is harder for me than you know,” her voice was softer, more sincere, and that was the only thing that made Lucas stop walking and face her, “I know you think I don’t love and care for my baby, but I do. That’s why I gave up my rights. I would rather he have a healthy, normal and stable life with you than to be tossed all around trying to spend time with me. I can’t give him the attention that he needs, and I know that that means a lot to you because of your childhood. Can you at least give me credit for that? For putting him first finally and doing what’s best for him?”

  So she wanted credit? Okay. Lucas could give her credit. Credit for being just like his mother. Credit for being what he was used to and didn’t need. Credit for pulling up old wounds that he thought he’d buried deep enough to not have to deal with. Credit for preying on his mommy issues, just to turn around and put Luca in the same boat.

  No.

  Luca would never experience what he and Luana did.

  “If you wanted me to give you credit for something, you should’ve signed over your rights to Luca right after I cut the cord. I can’t give you credit for wasting almost a year of my time, pulling me away from my sister and not being a mother to our son. Leave, Shanice.”

  Her eyes lowered to Luca, causing Lucas to pull his seat behind him and out of her sight.

  “Okay,” her hands lifted in submission, “When he gets older…”

  “Your parents will tell him about you; I won’t.”

  He could tell by the look in her eyes that she wanted to argue but she backed down. Lucas was a lot of things but weak wasn’t one of them. Although he’d never put his hands on Shanice, he could’ve torn her to shreds with his words just as easily. If anyone deserved credit in that moment, it was Lucas for maintaining enough self-control to keep himself from making the situation even worse.

  “Goodbye, Lucas.”

  He nodded, and watched the woman he’d given up almost everything for walk away.

  Sure, his business was doing well and his money was flowing freely, but did that really mean anything at that point? For Shanice, he gave up Memphis. He gave up closeness to Luana. He gave up Hali. Hali. Was the life Luca had known for the first year of his worth it? He wasn’t aware of his financial needs being met. All he knew was a father who loved him deeply and a mother whose face he could barely remember. So much so that most times he cried and reached for Lucas whenever Shanice tried to hold him.

  This was wrong. All wrong. And now that both Lucas and Luca were free of Shanice, it was time to make it right.

  3

  Hali

  Her kitchen was filled with scents of honey, pancakes and bacon. Hali had no idea why, but she woke up happier than she had in months. So happy that she got up, took care of her hygiene and started her Sarah Jakes Roberts podcast as she prepared a morning feast. Blueberry pancakes with honey butter and agave syrup, cheesy eggs and bacon completed breakfast. She wanted to make blueberry muffins to last her for the week, but decided against it since she lived alone in her apartment and they would probably mold.

  That was one of the reasons Hali hated living alone. She hated leftovers, and even when she forced them down at least three times a week, s
he ended up having to share her food with people in her high-rise apartment building or throw it away because it went bad. Hali also hated living alone because, well, she hated being alone. If the choice was peace and quiet or a house filled with laughter and the patter of children’s feet she would always choose the latter.

  If she would’ve had it her way, she would’ve still lived with her parents. Hali was a twenty-six-year-old woman making a six-figure income from her paintings, sculptures and work as an illustrator for a children’s book publishing company. Designing covers for comics and graphic novels was her favorite thing to do because of its ability to return her to her childhood momentarily, but her paintings were her most lucrative source of income. Even with her growing wealth and desire to build it by one day illustrating for children’s shows and cartoons, Hali had absolutely no desire to move into her own place. The only reason she took the plunge was the fact that her parents spent most of their time traveling and enjoying their retirement secluded in their Gatlinburg cabin.

  What good was being home if your family wasn’t there to join you?

  She would’ve moved in with one of her older siblings, but Sir’Kenya had his own family, wife and children included. And up until this year, his twin sister Kenya, was just as much of a wanderer as their parents. The only thing that motivated her to plant her roots was the baby growing inside of her. Even with them having their own little families they both welcomed Hali into their homes with open arms.

  They understood what a lot of people in the African American community overlook – the key to family wealth is just that… family. Living together. Saving together. Carpooling. Cooking meals in bulk. For a lot of people, they based their independence on how quickly they could move out of their parents’ homes. That wasn’t the case with the Davison clan. They looked at other races and cultures… studied their lives… how their Latino and African neighbors would live five and ten people to a home, carpool and cook all of their meals. They didn’t waste money on car notes and renting apartments. They put their money together and purchased homes. And each month, they were saving anywhere from ten to thirty thousand dollars a month. When Hali’s grandparents realized that on her father’s side, he started the same tradition with his family.