by Katie Wright
My mind had not yet made it known to my body that I hadn't heard a thing and I tried to pretend that there was still confidence in my attempt but it was too late. I felt like the coyote in a Warner Brother's cartoon, when he finally recognizes that the ground below him has disappeared and in a second he will be crashing towards Earth.
On recognition of this turn of events in my psyche I found myself passing towards large trees of pine and barely avoiding them. Someone was calling from behind me as I made my last attempt to prevent the pending accident but it was too late.
My board followed first then my legs and finally my entire body was lying at the bottom of a tree and covered in snow. I heard a crack and prayed I didn't break my leg because that would be just one more terrible incident that was making my life so completely squalid.
I decided at the moment to lie there and stare up at the great pine which was now dropping snow on my head. I turned away from it and saw a grey clad body come next to me via snowboard.
Casey dropped to the ground rapidly and pulled me out of my predicament.
"Fuck, are you okay Heath?"
His voice was so urgent I couldn't help but smile.
"What are you smiling at?"
Shit, I hadn't meant for him to see me.
I finally took a look at him, "Nothing," I bit my lip and cast my eyes towards the ground.
"Jesus, move your legs," he demanded.
I did and found that they were in fact moving quite freely.
I grabbed a hold of his shoulders and sat up.
"Shit," I screamed and took my face into my hands realizing what the resounding crack had been.
I had broken my snowboard.
I felt Casey's hands rubbed my arms and then grasped tightly around them, "At least you broke that and not your legs," he whispered.
Now I will explain to the reader what caused my next reaction to this small display of affection. Have you ever been completely overwhelmed by things and yet refused to acknowledge that they were ruining you? That ignoring them would never win out and you'd have to face the emotional break down that was seizing you? If you don't understand that then listen to this. I had been in so much trouble over Dan, Tony, and Casey, not to mention my present state of unemployment I just couldn't take it anymore.
The break down was easy explainable, I cried.
I let everything I felt for him out and onto the snow. I covered my face in my hands and hoped he wouldn't think I was crazy.
He tried to comfort me and quiet me and tell me it was going to be alright. He also allowed me the option of going home with him and not telling anyone what had happened because he understood that I most likely felt embarrassed.
I didn't hesitate to accept his invitation to go home with him. It wasn't because of embarrassment that I made this decision but I didn't mind letting him think that.
Casey called my cousins and told them that he needed to go home and that he was taking the car. I was a bit relieved he didn't tell them why because I knew they would be the cruelest when they heard about my brush with death.
As chance would have it, Casey drove them that day and had the keys to the car. I tried to reason inside my head what I was going to accomplish by not staying at the mountain. I knew something was taking over my mind and body at that point.
Casey and I drove in silence but I knew on my end it was because I was thinking about him and couldn't discuss the topic so therefore I had nothing to converse with him about. I sat there and tried to look out the window only to find my reflection a jovial one.
"How are you feeling?"
The present thoughts of my mind asked.
I turned to stare at Casey, "I'm fine, thanks." Now that my eyes were on him I couldn't take them away.
He caught sight of me and it took him a second to pull his eyes back to the road.
His swallow was observable and I stifled a giggled in spite of myself.
"Heather."
"Hmm?"
"What do you want to do when we go back?"
I had a lot of ideas at the moment but couldn't relay any of them to him so I shrugged, "I don't know, watch a movie."
"What if I drop you off and then go back?"
That immediately dampened my good mood.
"Yeah, I guess you could do that."
He glanced back at me, "I mean I don't have to but I thought maybe you'd want some time to yourself, you know?"
I finally spoke in truth, "Actually I don't know if I wanna be by myself."
"Oh, okay."
I turned almost fully towards him in my seat. I felt selfish and I knew it wasn't fair to keep him from enjoying the rest of the day, "You know you can go I'll be fine. Now that I think about it maybe you should go back I don't want you to have to stay."
"I don't mind staying it's just that I thought you would."
"No I don't care."
We ended the conversation in mid air and as we returned to the house I still had no idea if he was going to stay or leave me.
I got out of the car and went into the house. I heard his footsteps behind me enter the house and the front door close as I went up the stairs. Maybe he would stay for a little while.
I changed into a pair of sweats and t-shirt and decided to just relax the rest of the day. After leaving my room and crossing the loft I noticed the fire was on and Casey lying next to it. He had removed his snow suit and jacket and now lied there in his long sleeved shirt and jeans.
I believed he was asleep as I came upon his lying form. He had created a small bed of blankets and pillows from the couch and now rested upon them.
I sat down next to him and looked up at the clock. Everyone wouldn't be home for another few hours or more. I took the opportunity to observe him in a non drunken state. It was finally him I was looking at but this time there was nothing shadowing his perfection. He wasn't drunk or angry with me for once.
The tips of my fingers brushed his hair and once I decided it was inappropriate what I was doing the hand of my affection sprung out and grasped my wrist.
"Casey," I squealed.
His dark blue eyes flashed open and I couldn't tear myself away from them. He sat himself up and pulled me towards him.
"Heath." He spoke my name with regret. I felt he was going to tell me a secret and one I didn't want to hear.
"Yeah?" I questioned him but didn't look at him anymore.
"I'm sorry."
"For what, you didn't..."
"Just shut up please."
"Okay."
I turned my face towards our knees which were now against one another's.
He let go of my wrist and I could sense his eyes trying to read mine. All he would find was a blank stare because I refused to allow the disappointment I felt show.
"Heath please look at me."
Every time he uttered my name, it was so unoriginal but true, it was the most precious thing that ever hit my ears.
I felt a command and urgency in his intonation which caused me to look him straight in the eye. They were not intimidating at the moment because of their hue. It was amazing to me how his changed with his moods but I didn't want to get my hopes up at the moment. In anger they were ice and in normalcy they seemed light, however in some instances I found myself in with him they were the color they were now, royal blue. I struggled to place the sudden quixotic feelings pulsating through my body out but they were unyielding.
"What are you thinking?" He asked a simple question but I couldn't offer a simple answer. In addition I knew very well that something so simple held too many secrets that could be revealed this day.
So in my incommunicado I shook my head.
"Nothing," he questioned and then took a light hold of my wrists.
I couldn't help it but in response to his touch I jerked and caused him to tighten the grip.
"Please don't leave Heath I need to talk to you and I don't know if I'll get another opportunity."
"Okay," my voice triumphantly worked and a
brief smile touched my own lips. He must have noticed because he returned the favor and possibly his courage.
He released my wrists and began to look around until his eyes and head turned towards the fire and its golden embers. Then let go of one of my wrists to scratch the back of his head and began, "You know how sometimes you think that something will work and then it doesn't come out the way you wanted but the exact opposite. Then you fin out that maybe the efforts you made weren't in vain. But you pretty much think you fucked it up because now you're sitting here or on a mountain or in the bedroom and you just feel like it doesn't mean shit."
I really was trying to figure out what he was talking about and I knew he was trying to explain situation with me but I couldn't link everything together.
He finally loked over at me and a bitter laugh escaped his lips and then he placed a couple fingers on them to silence himself. He released a hold of my other wrist and threw his hands in the air and then stood, "What the fuck am I doing, do you even know what I'm talking about?"
"I don't know exactly because you're not really speaking English, why don't you just tell me what you want me to know!" I always wanted something from him and usually was just the truth. I mean really, how hard was that?
He dropped again to the floor but sat about three feet from me. For a moment we held eye contact and then he cast his eyes to the ground and uttered, "I remembered."
He seemed to refuse to allow his entire head to look at me but I could see that his eyes were on me. Maybe he was waiting for a reaction but I wouldn't offer him one.
Finally after a pause I stated, "I know, I knew last night Casey." Now it was my turn to look away, ashamed.
I didn't understand his confession, was he trying to humiliate me or was he trying to let me know he remembered but didn't want to talk about it ever again,
He shifted a bit and then finally looked over, "I'm sorry."
My anger began to build up, "Fine, whatever Casey, I don't care anymore!"
I jumped up and then felt a pair of hands grab my waist and pull me to the ground. I didn't struggle too much. He pulled me up against his chest and asked me to just listen. So I did.
"Why did you want me to stay here?"
I tried to shake my head but he would have none of my silence.
"Tell me, why did you want me to stay here with you?"
I rolled my eyes, "I just didn't want to be alone."
His hands turned my body a little more with each response to his question.
"Was it because it was me or would you have wanted anyone to stay?"
I shook my head, "You."
It was cathartic in a way. Admitting the truth finally and only because I knew it didn't matter anymore. And whatever his reasons were to know the inner workings of my mind it still was making me feel better, free.
"And why me?"
By now I was practically sitting on top of his lap facing him. The situation was similar to before but Casey's eyes weren't dazed or confused and nor was he drunk.
"Cause."
"Cause why?"
"Nothing."
"Really?"
"No," I looked down, to the left, to the right, behind him, everywhere to keep myself from looking at him. I would most likely cry and I didn't want to do that.
"Pleas Casey leave me alone." The words flew out of my head and I couldn't retrieve them.
"I'm sorry because I wanted to be with you that night and didn't take a advantage of you but I'm sorry because that's not the way I wanted it to be with you," his admission to me was almost crude that I hardly understood what he meant.
Then I realized it was his only way to admit to me that he would have been with me had he not been drunk. I took the statement as a compliment and moved on. Where would we go from here?
"I also know you haven't been…"
I knew what he was getting at and stopped him, "Casey please don't go there. Okay it's embarrassing."
"It shouldn't be, you shouldn't be embarrassed by it, I mean."
He scratched the back of his neck.
"You do that when you're nervous." I really needed to stop pointing out the obvious.
He pulled his hand away and then gazed at me. There was fleeting smile before he leaned over and then he stopped.
His lips were mere centimeters from my own and he just held it there. His arms were on either side of me and I just sat there like a statue.
There was a timid ness he never showed before as he closed the last centimeter as though he had never kissed anyone or me before. My body still sat in disbelief and my lips fell asleep, numb. Finally my body reacted and my hand went to his cheek. He pulled away a bit after only applying subtle pressure to me.
I dropped my hand.
"You don't want this," he seemed to be now staring at my lap. "Fuck it."
In an instant I was on my back covered by a writhing Casey on top of me. He pinned me now between him and the floor with his arms.
His head dropped and now he wasn't lightly kissing me anymore. His kisses were unlike the drunken ones; no longer sloppy and stale of beer. My lips finally responded to him and soon I found my hands grasping his back and t-shirt.
I found that letting him take control was not an option and so I succumbed to him and let him attack my neck and shoulder blades. He placed a hand to the side of my stomach in a silent manner to ask permission. I arched my body and then began to pull the hem of his shirt up pulling it half way up his back.
He followed suit and brushed his fingers over my stomach. A quiet chill ran up my body.
"Cold," he questioned against my lips. I guess my chill wasn't so silent after all.
"Um…"
He chuckled and then began to kiss me again but pressed his whole body up against my own. He was very warm and I could tell he was very well, endowed, is that the word? I just couldn't think and let him attack me with kisses.
By now he had trailed kisses on my tummy and his hands had attempted to explore what was under my baggie clothes. I was at the point of completely losing all my inhibitions.
Then he stopped and looked at me, "I think we need to stop, or I mean I should."
My forlorn look prompted him to explain, "I mean I just need to stop for now before I can't, okay?"
I agreed but I didn't want him to stop.
He got up and sat next to me. His shirt was still a buddle half way up his stomach and I noticed how built he was. His arms were also muscled without being overly so. I couldn't help but admire how even though his hair was a mess on top of his head he was inexplicably attractive.
Yet with all these perfect physical characteristics there were some personal ones that needed to be resolved. We still had never discussed what had happened over the passed few months with Lucy and what it had done to me. We'd have to before I went further with him. I wanted the truth almost as much as I wanted him. It would be hard but I hoped that I wouldn't have to initiate that discussion.
I then decided I was tired and that this day had been more than I could handle. I crawled over to the top of the little self made bed and pulled one of the blankets over me. I could feel Casey's eyes on me but I didn't look his way. I had wondered what he was thinking about but tried not to at the same time.
I wanted to relive my little bit of blissfulness in my head for just awhile. I knew this dream would end and I was almost positive as I heard him get up and walk away from me and up the stairs. Not even choosing to lie next to me. Exhaustion took over and I fell asleep.
Chapter 23: Mixed with Rain and Tears
I rolled onto my side and let my hand roam the covers, still no sign of Casey. I was trying to fall back asleep when I felt a hand shake me.
"Heath, you up?"
Jane's voice pulled me completely out of the beginnings of slumber. I turned to her with dreary eyes.
"Hey," I managed to croak out.
"Hey, is someone ready to party?"
It was not so much of a question but a statement with dual en
thusiasm and expectation. I had forgotten that the group would be making a trip out to the bar that night. I wasn't looking forward to it as you can imagine.
But I nodded and got up. Jane sent me to the shower to get ready and laid out an outfit for me. Another hour and half later with an empty stomach I was standing in line for the club. I didn't even know how we had gotten there. Tony drove and I took another quick nap in the back. I didn't know why but recently I felt very tired.
