Alice in Wonderland: The Vampire Slayer

by Lewis Carroll

  Alice the Vampire Slayer

  In Wonderland

  by

  Lewis Carroll

  and

  J.J. Maddox

  www.jjmaddox.com

  www.rocksteadybooks.com

  Copyright © 2013 Rock Steady Books, LLC

  All Rights Reserved

  Portions of text taken from

  Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland

  by Lewis Carroll (1832-1898)

  Chapter One: Down the Rabbit-Hole

  Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do but wait for nightfall when the bloodsuckers would come out.

  She should have been carving up more stakes; she only had seven left. She would need at least a dozen to make it through the harried hours between dusk and dawn. Once or twice she had considered asking her sister to help out, but Lorina wanted nothing to do with hunting.

  Alice’s sister had never been a particularly gifted slayer. Despite coming from a long line of vampire hunters, Lorina had opted out of the family business early on. It was just as well. Lorina was slow on her feet and possessed remarkably bad aim. She also recoiled at the sight of blood. All these things combined made her a very bad hunter. Early on Alice had learned to shoulder much of the burden, taking over as primary slayer when she was just 10-years-old.

  Now, at 16, Alice was known as one of the strongest vampire hunters in all the land.

  Lorina, in turn, spent most of her time indoors, preferring to lose herself in books and fantasy rather than the bleak reality they faced: that their seemingly picturesque world was overrun by the undead.

  Alice was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made her feel very sleepy), whether she had enough garlic left to string together a necklace of cloves to wear on her hunt tonight, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her.

  There was nothing so remarkable in that; nor did Alice think it unusual to hear the Rabbit say to itself, “Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!” Until he added, “The Blood Queen will have my head!”

  The Blood Queen? Alice had never heard of such a person, but her ears perked up instantly.

  As far as Alice knew, there was no queen in these parts, and certainly not a “blood queen.” The name implied she was a member of the vampire race. Not just a member, Alice corrected herself, but a ruler. It was her sworn duty to check it out.

  The Rabbit took a watch out of its waist-coat pocket, looked at it, and then hurried on. It flashed across her mind that she had never before seen a rabbit with either a waistcoat-pocket, or a watch to take out of it. Alice started to her feet.

  Her slayer’s instinct burning strong, she ran across the field after the White Rabbit, and fortunately was just in time to see it pop down a large rabbit-hole under the hedge.

  Alice would investigate, but first:

  “Lorina!” she called out to her sister. “It’s sundown soon. Get back to the house, lock yourself in – ”

  Lorina looked up lazily. She didn’t budge an inch, just kept flipping through the book she was reading as if Alice’s words meant nothing.

  “I’m serious!” Alice said. “Hurry home, barricade the doors and windows, and don’t open them until you see the sunrise tomorrow.”

  “And if I don’t?” Lorina yawned, stretching out her body in the warm sun. For someone who had grown up in a land plagued by bloodsuckers, Lorina had very little fear of vampires. Which might make sense if she were actually capable of defending herself against one, should an attack occur. But it was quite the opposite. Lorina had only killed three vampires in her time, and even then she’d done so with assistance from Alice. But because she stayed so far away from the hunt, Lorina had a skewed opinion of how dangerous things were. She’d been sheltered from the worst of it, which gave her a false sense of security.

  “Don’t argue with me,” Alice said forcefully. “You’ve been out of the hunt too long; you don’t know what it’s like out there.” It was true. Their mother was a slayer, but Alice had been the only one to inherit her gift for hunting.

  Lorina sighed and climbed up, gathering her book and blanket and starting toward the house. “And what will you be doing while I’m locked away like some prisoner?”

  “Something has come up that I must investigate. Tell Mom and Dad I’ve gone out on a big kill. They’ll understand.”

  Dashing back across the field, Alice ran to her bedroom to retrieve her supply of hunting tools: the seven stakes, her lucky crucifix, her pouch full of garlic and a large vial of holy water. Then she hurried out of the house and back toward the field where she’d seen the Rabbit. On her way she bumped into Lorina, who was finally heeding the warning to get indoors. Alice gave her sister a quick hug goodbye and then, as a precaution, decided to leave her three stakes.

  “You shouldn’t have any trouble tonight,” Alice said, “provided you stay inside like I’ve instructed. But just in case.” She placed the stakes in her sister’s hand.

  Lorina shrugged, glancing down at the sharply-carved wooden posts. “I’ll give them to Mom and Dad,” she said.

  “Fine then,” Alice said. She couldn’t wait any longer. She had to find the White Rabbit; he was the only one who could lead her to the Blood Queen.

  She quickly ran back to the spot where the Rabbit had disappeared. As she approached the rabbit-hole, she heard something behind her – a cackle followed by a deep, throaty snarl. The sound was unmistakable to her ears. Alice whirled around to find herself face to face with the tallest vampire she’d ever seen. He stood at least fifteen feet, maybe more. His fangs – nearly twelve inches in length – were fully extended, his eyes wild with hunger as he closed in on her.

  In all her days of slaying vampires Alice had never seen anything like him before, and she knew instantly that what the White Rabbit had said was true. There must be a Blood Queen living in these parts, for how else could such a magnificent monster have ever come to be?

  Alice readied herself, her right hand clasped nervously around her stake. The vampire took a small step forward and his skin, which was already starting to burn under the hot sun, now began to crackle and peel as the light hit him straight on. He let out another snarl, loud, furious but his flesh had begun to bubble and was rapidly turning an angry shade of red. In a flash of movement so quick it was almost invisible to the human eye, the vampire flung himself down the rabbit-hole.

  Acting on purse instinct, Alice leapt into the rabbit-hole after him.

  She’d spent the last six years of her life chasing vampires, and one of the first rules of hunting was that when the prey was in your sight, you didn’t let them get away.

  But the second she dropped into the rabbit-hole, Alice knew she’d made a grave mistake. She had never seen a breed like him before – bigger, faster, and able to withstand the sun better than any vamp she had previously encountered. She should have gone back for reinforcement – her mother was a hunter once, perhaps she could offer some insight in dealing with this type of beast. At the very least, she should have taken the time to gather and carve more stakes. Who knew if the ones she had would big be enough to pierce his heart.

  And then there was the business of making it back. Alice had dropped into the rabbit-hole without ever once considering how in the world she was going to get out again.

  This thought got scarier the farther she dropped.

  The rabbit-hole went straight on like a tunnel for some way, and then dipped suddenly down – so suddenly that Alice lost grip of her crucifix as she fell; it tumbled from her hands and crashed against the wall beside her, shattering li
ke glass. Alice didn’t have a second to think about it, nor was she capable of stopping herself from falling farther and farther into what was turning out to be one very deep well.

  Alice kept her eyes trained on the sides of the well as she fell. All around her were cupboards and bookshelves containing maps and pictures. There were also jars and vials. She caught sight of one rather large jar as she passed; it was labeled ‘HUMAN BLOOD: INFANT’ much to her great horror.

  Down, down, down.

  Would the fall NEVER come to an end? It didn’t surprise her that the vampire had already reached the bottom; they moved much quicker than humans.

  She clung desperately to her stakes, garlic and holy water, determined not to drop them as she had the crucifix

  “I wonder how many miles I've fallen?” she asked aloud. “I must be getting somewhere near the center of earth.” Which led to a terrifying thought: Maybe I’m falling into Hell.

  It would only make sense. Where would a vampire queen live if not in Hell?

  Alice desperately tried to calculate how far it was to the center of the Earth. “Let me see: that would be four thousand miles down, I think? Yes, that's about the right distance.” She comforted herself with the thought that she had not yet fallen that far, and, therefore, couldn’t possibly be traveling through Hell.

  Down, down, down she went, when suddenly, thump!

  She landed on a pile of sticks and dry leaves, and the fall was over.

  Much to her relief, Alice was not a bit hurt. She leapt to her feet, looking around. Above her was all dark; before her was another long passage. As she suspected, the vampire was long gone. But, quite shockingly, the strange White Rabbit was still in sight, scurrying down the passageway up ahead.

  Alice feared she would never find either one of them again. But it seemed luck was on her side – the White Rabbit could lead her right to the Blood Queen.

  There was not a moment to be lost. Alice took off running at full speed, rushing to catch up with the Rabbit. She was just in time to hear the Rabbit say, as it turned a corner, “Oh my ears and whiskers, how late it's getting!”

  And then she lost him. Despite moving as fast as she could, Alice had not managed to keep up with the Rabbit.

  Instead, she found herself alone in a long, low hall, which was lit up by a row of lamps hanging from the roof. There were doors all around the hall, but they were all locked. Alice went all the way down one side and up the other, trying every door. Nothing. When she was finished, she walked down the middle of the hall, feeling defeated, wondering how she was ever to get out again.

  Suddenly she came upon a little three-legged table, made of solid glass. There was nothing on it except a tiny golden key, and Alice's first thought was that it might belong to one of the doors of the hall.

  No such luck. Either the locks were too large, or the key was too small, but at any rate it would not open any of them. However, on the second time around, Alice came upon a low curtain she had not noticed before, and behind it was a tiny door about fifteen inches high. She tried the little golden key in the lock, and was thrilled to find it was a perfect fit.

  Alice opened the door and discovered that it led into a small passage, not much larger than a rat-hole. She wondered if the Rabbit could have disappeared through here? She knew the vampire couldn’t have fit – he was at least a hundred times too large – but it was possible the small rabbit might have squeezed through.

  Alice knelt down and looked along the small passage; on the other side was the plushest, most extravagant garden she had ever seen. Relief washed over her. The bright, radiant sunshine on the other side could provide a temporary safe haven from whatever vampires were roaming about. Alice had yet to encounter any bloodsuckers since arriving at the bottom of the well, but she knew it was only a matter of time until one – or, more likely – a herd descended upon her.

  Alice was well practiced at slaying the undead; after six years, she had it down to a science. Yes, vampires were quick, but by the time they’d gotten within a few feet of a human they were so drunk off the scent of blood you could gain the upper hand if you knew what you were doing. And Alice did. She knew how to bob and weave, duck and cover, lunge forward and back with just the right timing to disorient a vampire for a few seconds – long enough for her skilled hands to plunge a stake right through their heart.

  From the time she was a very small girl, Alice had been groomed to be a slayer. While other children learned to jump rope and recite their ABCs, Alice was schooled in the ways of stake throwing, bloodletting, and decapitation. She’d been taught by her mother, and taught well.

  There were only three ways to kill a vampire: the best known, and most effective, was a stake straight through the heart. But since you rarely got more than one chance to stake a vamp – if you went for the heart and missed, you’d likely be dead before you even realized what was happening – it required flawless aim. Fortunately, Alice had this, so staking was her primary method of slaying. But there were two other methods that could be employed, and she relied on these on occasion.

  Decapitation was quick and effective, but you needed an axe or a large sword, neither of which could be easily concealed. Since the element of surprise played an important role in hunting – it was crucial a vampire didn’t recognize you were a slayer until he’d gotten close enough to become disoriented by the scent of your blood – that decapitation wasn’t very practical.

  The third and final method, the riskiest and hardest to perform, was bloodletting. It had only recently been discovered that vampires had an Achilles heel, a lone weak spot in the form of a vein that, if sliced in half, would cause them to bleed so profusely that they would hemorrhage and die in under a minute.

  It was said to be the most gruesome way to kill the undead – excruciatingly painful, and gory beyond belief. Snip the vein at just the right angle, and the vamp’s blood would gush so fast and furious you’d wind up drenched from head to toe if you weren’t careful.

  Alice had never killed a vampire in this manner, only heard the stories.

  She wondered silently which method she should employ to take on the bloodsuckers who lived in this strange world. If they were anything like the vampire she’d followed down the rabbit-hole, staking them would difficult. She wasn’t tall enough to reach their hearts, and she had no practice at throwing stakes at such an upward tilted angle.

  The vampires who lived here appeared to be a different breed entirely than what she was used to. They were much bigger, for one thing, and their flesh held up better in the sunlight, for another. Most vampires would catch fire within mere seconds of exposure – but the one she’d spied earlier had been able to withstand the sun for a few minutes without igniting. If her minions were this advanced, Alice shuddered at the thought of how large and powerful the Queen must be.

  The ideal plan would be to find the Blood Queen while the sun was still high in the sky, and take her out while she slept in her lair.

  But Alice knew this was unrealistic. For starters, it was possible the Queen was mighty enough to not need to retreat during daylight hours. For another, even if she did, getting in and slaying her in her coffin would probably be impossible.

  Most vampires went to great lengths to protect their lairs, hiding them in secret locations and protecting them with booby-traps so sophisticated they would have put the Egyptian Pharaohs to shame. Those vamps who could afford it even employed armed humans to work as guards during the daylight hours. Alice knew someone so powerful as the Blood Queen – assuming her name proved to be true – would likely have some sort of army guarding her lair.

  Still, Alice longed to get out of that dark hall, and wander among the beds of bright flowers and cool fountains at the other end of the passageway. But it was no use; she could not even get her head through the doorway.

  And even if my head would go through, thought Alice, it would be of very little use without my shoulders and arms. For she needed her arms to carry her hunting equipment.<
br />
  Oh, how I wish I could shut up like a telescope! She thought.

  She had seen a vampire perform a similar feat once, contorting his body inward like an accordion until he was only a fraction of his normal size. She’d had no idea how he did it, only that it seemed like quite the useful trick. And it had saved him – for a bit, at least. For when he was folded up like that Alice couldn’t reach any part of him – head, heart, or bloodletting vein – that would allow her to kill him

  Maybe I could compact and shrink, if I only know how to begin.

  So many out-of-the-way things had happened lately – the talking rabbit, the giant vampire – that Alice had begun to think that very few things were really impossible.

  There seemed to be no use in waiting by the little door, so she went back to the three-legged table, half hoping she might find another key on it.

  The time she found a little bottle. “This wasn’t here before,” she mumbled aloud. Around the neck of the bottle was a paper label, with the words 'DRINK ME' beautifully printed on it in large letters.