Alice in Wonderland: The Vampire Slayer

by Lewis Carroll

  It was all very well to say 'Drink me,' but Alice was no fool. She was not going to do that in a hurry.

  The liquid could be anything. What she feared most of all was that it was vampire blood, left there as a trick. ‘Drink me,’ and lose your humanity, she thought.

  Drinking vampire blood on its own was not enough to “turn” a human – you had to be bitten first, then drink the blood – but that didn’t mean it was harmless. Far from it.

  For the land where Alice lived was not just populated with vampires and humans – there was also a third group of people, a strange race known as the Halflings.

  Halflings were no longer human, not but full vampire, either. And as far as Alice could tell, they had gotten the short end of the stick in both worlds. They didn’t possess any of the “good” vampire qualities: super human strength, lightening quick speed, immunity against disease. But they were cursed with all of the bad traits: the unquenchable thirst for blood, and an allergy to sunlight so strong it would burn them to a crisp if they ventured outdoors during daylight hours. The only good quality the Halflings shared with their vampire brethren was immortality. And even that wasn’t such a good thing when you considered how miserable their quality of life tended to be.

  No one knew for sure how Halflings were made. For a long time it was thought they were the product of humans and vampires breeding, but that had been disproved. It was now widely believed that Halflings were created when a human being ingested vampire blood, without having the “benefit” of being bitten first.

  “No, I will not drink this,” Alice said. “Unless I can determine it’s not vampire blood, or some other type of poison.”

  Alice was almost as frightened of poison as she was of vampire blood. Almost. Sometimes it was hard to remember that there were other risky things in the world aside from the undead. Alice spent so much of her time hunting vampires down and killing them that she tended to forget about the other dangers that lurked.

  She had read several nice little histories about children who had gotten burnt, and eaten up by wild beasts and other unpleasant things, all because they would not remember the simple rules their parents had taught them: such as, that a red-hot poker will burn you if you hold it too long; and that if you cut your finger very deeply with a knife, it usually bleeds. And, of course, if you drink much from a bottle of “poison,” it is almost certain to disagree with you, and disagree with you badly.

  However, after unscrewing the cap Alice quickly discovered that this bottle did not appear to be vampire blood. She’d spent enough time around the stuff that she’d recognize its scent anywhere – a sickly sweet smell that was a cross between ammonia and overripe fruit.

  As for poison…Alice couldn’t be so sure. She had come this far, and she was not one to turn back from a mission.

  Besides, there was one other thing Alice remembered from reading about poisons; there were very few that could kill you outright if you made sure to only try the tiniest of quantities.

  Still, Alice wasn’t crazy. Sampling it would be a last resort only if she could find no other option. She went round the room again, checking the key against all the locks – still no luck. So she sat down to wait, hoping either the Rabbit or the vampire would return.

  Hours ticked by and nothing happened. With each passing moment, Alice grew more worried. The sun was still high in the sky, but it would be setting soon. She had to find a way out of here and into the garden.

  So Alice did the one thing she thought she’d never be forced to do: she ventured to taste the strange liquid. She set down her pile of hunting tools in the corner, and picked up the bottle. She then gingerly dipped her index finger into the top and retrieved a small droplet onto the tip.

  She brought it up to her tongue and tasted the liquid. The flavor was very nice – like that of cherry-tart, custard, pineapple, roast turkey, toffee, and hot buttered toast all in one. This alarmed Alice. Not just that such a strange combination could work so well together, but that she found herself instantly craving more of the strange drink.

  If one were to create a poison, wouldn’t one’s primary concern – aside from ensuring that the poison was dosed correctly – be to make the poison taste so good that the intended victim kept right on drinking it?

  Alice set the bottle down immediately, ignoring the overpowering urge to finish it off.

  She tried to reassure herself with the knowledge that very few poisons could be lethal in tiny doses, and that she’d had the tiniest dose possible – only one small droplet placed on her tongue.

  But the reassurance didn’t last long as her mind soon grew hazy and the room around her began to blur.

  * * *

  “It’s happening!” said Alice. “I’m shutting up like a telescope!”

  It was true, she thought. The saying she’d always heard, but never given enough thought to before now: Be careful what you wish for.

  But there was nothing she could do to stop it now. It must have been the effects of the drink, for before she realized what was happening she was only ten inches high.

  Alice waited for an agonizing few minutes to see if she was going to shrink any further.

  “What if it ends,” said Alice to herself, “with me going out altogether, like a candle flame? Maybe that was the intention of the bottle: to snuff me out for good.”

  After a while, her fears were eased when nothing more happened.

  She was now the perfect size to fit through the passageway, so she decided to go to the garden immediately.

  But when she got to the door, she found she had forgotten the little golden key. When she went back to the table for it, she discovered she was too short to reach it: she could see it quite plainly through the glass, and she tried her best to climb up one of the legs of the table, but it was too slippery.

  She looked around the room for something else to help her out. Soon her eye fell on a little glass box that was lying under the table: she opened it, and found in it a very small cake, on which the words 'EAT ME' were beautifully marked in currants.

  “No way,” Alice said aloud, shaking her head. She would not make that mistake twice. She would find another way to get the key. Alice looked around for her hunting tools and experienced a momentary wave of terror when she couldn’t find them. Fortunately, they were still over in the corner where she had set them before tasting the strange liquid. Alice hurried over to get them, only to discover that, due to her sudden small stature, she could not longer pick them up. At ten inches tall, her stakes were almost as big as she was.

  How could she face the Blood Queen at this size, without the benefit of having any of her tools? She’d be useless, like a lamb being led into the slaughter. Unless…

  A thought occurred to Alice. She had never tried bloodletting a vampire, but given her small size she might be able to sneak in close enough to reach the vein….

  Though it was useless to try to get the stakes – they were far too large for her to carry – Alice decided to try to bring along the holy water and garlic for protection. She struggled mightily to pick the vial of holy water up in her tiny hands, but just as she’d managed to get hold of it, her grasp slipped and it tumbled to the ground, shattering into a thousand tiny pieces.

  She watched helplessly as the powerful liquid dissipated into a puddle on the floor. And then something very unexpected happened, something that hadn’t happened in a great many years.

  Alice began to cry.

  Chapter Two: The Pool of Tears

  It was uncharacteristic of her to break down like this. She was usually brave and logical, but it had all been too much. She cursed herself for making so many poor decisions. Starting with following the vampire down the rabbit-hole, then drinking the poison, and ending with dropping the vial of holy water.

  They had all led her here, and here was a very bad place to be.

  Alice couldn’t believe she had been so foolish, acted in such a rash manner as to jump into the rabbit-hole without at le
ast checking things out a bit more first.

  She had let her confidence get the better of her. For six long years Alice had been patrolling the forests and gardens of her homeland, painstakingly trying to do away with the vampire race one bloodsucker at a time. It was a tedious undertaking. She rarely slept, for she hunted all night long. Few others shared her profession – her mother and grandmother had been slayers, and her sister had worked as one briefly – but for the most part Alice lived a lonely life. She spent every spare second chasing vampires, and it left little time for friends or hobbies.

  And in the beginning, she hadn’t minded it so much, had taken pride in her work – great pride, in fact. But as the years went on, and the vampires continued to multiply and spread, Alice couldn’t help but feel more than a little disillusioned with the life she’d chosen (or, more accurately, the life that had chosen her).

  If only she could gain some traction, make some real leeway, finally see a decline, instead of a constant increase, in the vampire race, then she might feel better. But they were growing as fast as she could kill them – faster, even.

  There had been a rumor circulating among the land for some time now, the rumor that a queen bee of sorts – a Blood Queen – was at the heart of the rapid breeding. Cut off the head of the snake, and you kill the beast. Take her out the queen, and you can take out the herd.

  And that had been Alice’s thinking when she had jumped down the rabbit-hole. She’d been on the lookout for this vampire ruler for the past year and she had jumped – quite literally – at the first chance she’d had to find her.

  But what if it had all been a trap? What if the White Rabbit had been sent to lure her to her death?

  She had no more time to ponder this, though; just then her head struck against the roof of the hall.

  Alice was stunned to discover that instead of being ten inches tall, she was now nine feet high.

  “What is going on here?” she said aloud. “What the hell is going on?” How had she suddenly started growing? How had she not noticed? What was going on with her body, with her mind?

  At least now I can manage my weapons! she thought excitedly. Then she remembered, smacking herself on the forehead, cursing herself for forgetting why she had wanted to be small in the first place: the only door leading out was impossibly small. Even at her normal size, she was trapped. At nine feet tall, she would likely be a prisoner here forever.

  Alice began to cry again, shedding gallons of tears, until there was a large pool all round her, about four inches deep and reaching halfway down the hall. She watched, feeling helpless and defeated, as her tears soaked the floor, covering the holy water she’d spilled earlier.

  How can a person cry so much? Alice wondered. It only made sense, though; she’d not cried in a great long time. Perhaps this was several years worth of tears all coming out at once.

  After a time she heard a little pattering of feet in the distance, and she hastily dried her eyes to see what was coming. It was the White Rabbit returning!

  He was splendidly dressed, with a pair of white kid gloves in one hand and a large fan in the other. He came trotting along in a great hurry, muttering to himself as he came, “Oh! the Queen, the Queen! Won't she be savage if I've kept her waiting!”

  He moved so quickly, almost as quick as a vampire, but Alice knew that wasn’t possible. Animals couldn’t be turned. Then again, last she checked animals couldn’t talk, either….

  Alice felt nervous around him, for reasons she couldn’t explain. Watching him move so fast was a bit frightening. It truly was like watching a bloodsucker on the prowl. For a moment Alice worried he might actually be one, animal or not, but then she remembered: he’d been in the sunlight earlier that day and his skin hadn’t so much as blistered. She breathed a sigh of relief and tried to get the Rabbit’s attention.

  When he finally came near her, Alice said, in a low, casual voice, “Hello, sir. I wondered if you might help me?”

  The Rabbit started violently, dropped his small white gloves and fan and scurried away into the darkness as fast as he could go.

  Alice grabbed his gloves, and, as the hall was very hot, she kept fanning herself all the time as she chased after him.

  As she dashed down the hall after him, Alice remembered an old poem she’d learned, taught to her by her mother when she was just a little girl.

  How doth the wicked vampyre

  Charm human souls so well?

  To glamour them with just one look

  And trap them in his spell.

  How cheerfully he seems to grin,

  His fangs masked from display.

  But be not fooled, he dreams of skin –

  Your flesh is but his prey.

  Alice recited it under her breath, and her voice sounded hoarse and strange. It was a cautionary tale, to remind her to never trust a bloodsucker – or even a charming human for that matter.

  As she said the poem she looked down at her hands, and was surprised to see that she had put on one of the Rabbit's little white kid gloves while she was talking.

  How can I have done that? she thought. I must be growing small again!

  Without even realizing it, Alice had returned to normal size. She shook her head, trying to dislodge the haziness. Part of her was worried this was all an illusion, that she was going mad. How was it possible that she could grow small, then big, then normal? In all her years of hunting vampires, she thought she’d seen some of the strangest things the world had to offer, but nothing could have prepared her for this. Still, she was grateful to have returned to her ordinary size, even if it meant she was still trapped.

  Suddenly, her foot slipped, and in another moment, splash! She was up to her chin in salt water.

  Her first idea was that she had somehow fallen into the sea. However, she soon made out that she was in the pool of tears which she had wept when she was nine feet high.

  “Why did I have to cry so much!” said Alice, as she swam about, trying to find her way out. “All this worry over bloodsuckers, and in the end I’m going to be drowned by my own tears!”

  Just then she heard something splashing in the pool a little way off, and she swam closer to make out what it was:

  It was the White Rabbit, floating on a raft, and looking around anxiously as it went, as if it had lost something.

  She heard it muttering to itself, “The water! The water! Oh my dear paws! Oh my fur and whiskers! She'll get me executed, if the water doesn’t drown me first!”

  Very soon the Rabbit noticed Alice, as she went swimming by, and called out to her, “Why did you trap me out here?”

  “I didn’t trap you,” Alice said.

  “But you cried these tears, did you not?” he asked.

  “Yes, but – ”

  “Then you trapped me! I am late, so very late, and you have trapped me here in the middle of nowhere. I am lucky I found this raft, or I would’ve drowned. You know rabbits cannot swim.”

  “I know, and I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize this would happen. It was an accident.”

  “Well, accident or not, here we are.”

  “Here we are,” Alice said.

  “What is it you want from me?”

  “I’m afraid I’m stuck,” she said. “I followed you down the rabbit-hole,” she said, careful to leave out any mention of the vampire, “and now I don’t know how to get out of here.”

  “Oh, cry me a river! Wait, you’ve done that already!” He rolled his little pink eyes in disgust. “So you invaded my privacy, you stranded me out here, but now you want me to help you?”

  He had a point. And now that he said it, Alice felt truly awful. She didn’t want him to drown out here. “I’m sorry,” Alice said. “I really am. I’m a strong swimmer. Why don’t you let me pull your raft back to shore?”

  He considered this. “I suppose that would be helpful.”

  Alice began to swim toward him.

  “What is it you want from me?” the Rabbit asked as she paddled
closer.

  “I want to know about the Blood Queen. I heard you talking about her earlier, before you jumped in the rabbit-hole.”

  His eyes grew huge.

  “You do not want to know,” he said.

  “Yes, I do.” Alice reached his raft and hooked her arm through a plank of wood on the end. “I have to find her.”

  “That is very dangerous!” the White Rabbit said. “No one looks for the Queen! People hide from her. She is very dangerous.”

  “You were looking for her earlier.”

  “That’s because we have an appointment tonight. If I do not show up she will have my head.” He made a slicing motion as if to portray himself being decapitated.