Silent Song

by Jaci Wheeler

  “Really? Bother you not girl can’t really understand you? Don’t think maybe gap?” A.J. thinks about this for a moment then shakes his head no.

  “Connection not mean same. Connection mean something draw two together. Deaf girl understand you better? Yes. But maybe you not need understand right now. Maybe P R E S L E Y have what need right now. That okay, B. Don’t let stop you. If P R E S L E Y make happy, be happy. Want that for you.”

  “Thanks. Think over me.”

  “Name sign P R E S L E Y?” he asks, and I show him the P and sign music and he laughs and signs it back.

  “Like music?” He laughs again.

  “Not like. Love music. Say music her soul.” I put my face in my hands in mock despair and he chuckles and slaps me on the back in good nature.

  “What draw you her?” I think about his question for a moment even though I don’t have to.

  “Everything.” This of course causes him to laugh again, so I follow it up. “Not looks. Beautiful yes, but not normal beautiful. Natural beautiful, shy but confident. Weird really.”

  “P know how feel you?”

  “Not really. Connection yes. Must know…something. But not talk. Not say anything to her.”

  “Maybe need tell her.”

  “Don’t know good idea. Different. Maybe too different me. College her. High school me. Rich her.” I give him a look because I don’t even need to say how poor I am, he knows my situation.

  “Who cares. All not really matter. What matters? Who there when you in dark place. Who help you out? Who make you see light when feel nothing but dark? Who want best for you? Who you think about night, morning, not with them? Who?” I give him a look like I’m not impressed but he just shrugs it off.

  “If P answer, then P who you need be with. Hearing, deaf, rich, poor, age…matter not.”

  “How become so smart love you?”

  “G a b b y. Don’t tell her say that me. G never let me forget.” I laugh and hug him.

  “Thank you. Miss you. Sorry push away so long.”

  “Matter not. Always here. Always. Want meet P now. Need see college girl who finally broke big bad B.” I push him and we both laugh, but A.J. turns serious. “Speaking college, Gabby, me both go Gallaudet will.”

  “Congratulations.”

  “Barrett.”

  “No, A.J.”

  “Know you not want hear, but no reason why can’t go you.”

  “Ready leave?” I’m already walking to his car, not waiting for a response. A.J. doesn’t push me because he knows I will think about it, which of course I can’t stop doing now. I haven’t allowed myself to even think of college or really anything else except getting through the day. Now that A.J. brings it up, I instantly shut it down, not because I don’t want to go, on the contrary. Since hanging out with Presley and hearing about college, her classes, her internship, it all has awakened desires in me that I never knew I even had.

  I no longer have a reason not to go in most people’s eyes. I was only staying around here for Codi. Codi is gone now, so to them I should go. But to me it’s so much deeper than that. By going that means I can now live my dream only because my brother is dead. I refuse to gain from Codi’s loss. It might seem stupid since I know that’s what Codi would want for me, but I just can’t do it. I won’t.

  CHAPTER 25

  Presley

  Today was hard. Between classes, Barrett, and Jodi, I feel like I’m stretched pretty thin most days. My fieldwork, even though it’s work, is the one place that feels easy. Most days it’s that little break from life that keeps me going. Proves to me that all my hard work is for something, and will eventually lead to this. But just like any other job, there are bad days. The hardest challenges tend to be the most rewarding. Most days I see breakthroughs, even if they are small they are still there. I think because of that the days I hit a wall leave me feeling utterly useless and defeated.

  I almost broke down today in the D.H.H. class. I was working with the junior highers, which in itself is a hard age. But one of the girls has a major chip on her shoulder and for some reason doesn’t like me. She’s always the first to point out how horrible my signing is. Even though I’ve been practicing every chance I get and the other kids seem to understand me, she refuses to watch me when I sign to her and will only watch her interpreter. Today she told me through her interpreter that they are deaf, which means that music means nothing to them, and therefore I mean nothing to them, and maybe I should save myself time and go find another job. I almost broke down right then and there.

  I’ve been introducing them to vibrations and low sounds. I’ve brought drums, balloons to help feel the vibrations, and floor speakers, and I thought I could make a difference, but sometimes all it takes is one person to shoot your confidence and everything you think you know all to hell. I somehow made it out of there with what little dignity I had left and to my car before I broke into tears. I almost picked up my phone to text Barrett, but I was so worried that he’d agree with her, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Plus it’s been almost a week since I’ve heard from him, and I’m pretty sure he’s going back to school soon, so he’s most likely busy.

  Instead of calling Jodi or Zeek to cheer me up, I decided to sit in my car and cry. Sometimes a good cry is all you need to cleanse you of negativity. I like to think of it as a way to purge whatever I am feeling at the moment. Hurt, inadequacy, anger. Whatever that negative emotion is, my tears wash them all away. It usually makes me feel better, but today I just feel worse. The last thing I feel like doing is going back to my room for Musical Monday. So that’s how I found myself at Empresso, an old theater that was turned into a coffee house. It’s the perfect place to sip a latte and feel sorry for myself.

  “Presley, right?” I look up to the smiling face of the hallway sleeper.

  “Oh hi. It’s Christian, right? Sorry, I’m a bit off today. Would you like to join me?” I motion to the empty chair.

  “That sounds great. I was just going to grab a coffee before I head to the library to study, but I much rather enjoy your company for a bit. One second while I get a coffee.”

  “Sure.” Part of me thinks I should pull out a mirror and try and fix myself up a bit before he comes back, but my more logical side says why bother, so I decide to sip my drink to try to perk myself up a bit.

  “Sorry about that. So what’s going on? You look sad.” Just the mention of being sad has me wanting to burst into tears again. Gah, stupid emotions. “Hey, are you okay? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.” This guy I don’t even know comes around the table to my side and brings me into a hug. Someone with a little more self-respect would have sucked it up and laughed it off, but I’ve seen this guy sleeping in the hallway, so I just accept his hug and cry all over his nice jacket.

  “Is everything okay?” He looks worried, which causes me to nervously laugh. He’s probably expecting a dead relative or beloved pet or something with the way I’ve carried on.

  “Everything is fine. I’m so sorry, Christian. The truth is I’m just an emotional mess. I had a really hard day at work today and it has me questioning if coming here was the right thing to do. I’m sure it will pass. Sorry for crying all over you.”

  “You can cry on me anytime. My grandpa Clarence has this saying, ‘It’s called work for a reason. If it’s not hard, you aren’t doing it right,’” he says in what I’m assuming is his gruff old man voice. But it has the desired effect, because I can’t help but laugh along with him.

  “Thanks, Christian, I needed that.”

  He goes and buys me another coffee but this time it’s his pick, a ‘Chunky Monkey,’ which is pretty much just chocolate, peanut butter, and banana heaven. After a few sips I lay it all on him. Going against my parents’ wishes, choosing to pursue my dream, and then all about working with the kids.

  “I think when you find a job you’re passionate about, it brings out heavy emotions. If it didn’t, I don’t think it’s the right job. You’re
passionate about the kids and what you do, which is what’s going to make you a great therapist. But it’s a double-edged sword. You need to be able to connect without getting so attached that your happiness doesn’t only come from theirs.”

  “Wow, that was pretty good. Maybe you should become a therapist.” He chuckles at that and lifts his eyebrow.

  “Psychology major?”

  “Yep, second year.”

  “I have a feeling you chose wisely.”

  We exchange numbers and promise to meet up for more than just midnight hallway run-ins and blubbering coffee sessions. I walk away feeling lighter for the first time all day.

  “Pres, that’s the fourth time she’s called, don’t you think you should answer it?”

  “No, I do not. I can’t handle her today.”

  “It doesn’t seem like you can handle her any day.” I shoot her a glaring look and she chuckles. My phone rings once again and she groans. “Presley, contrary to what you think, I actually do study, and engineering isn’t a walk in the park. Answer the freaking phone or I will.”

  I don’t answer the phone, instead I put it on vibrate and toss it on my nightstand, which was a horrible mistake because the instant it vibrates, Jodi flies off her bed and has my phone up to her ear before I can blink.

  “Hi, Mrs. Sinclair, this is Jodi. I’m Presley’s roommate.” I try to grab the phone from her, but she’s a woman on a mission, and bats my hand away.

  “She’s in the shower at the moment, but can I take a message? Oh, really.” She looks at me with pure evil intentions and I know this can’t be good. “Oh, Presley is going to be thrilled. It’s all she’s talked about all week. I’ll be sure to let her know. Have a fabulous evening.”

  “Are you freaking kidding me right now? Jodi!”

  “I warned you.” She tosses me my phone and goes back to her studying.

  “Well? What did she say?”

  “You are all booked for Christmas. Oh, and the acceptable colors to wear are red, gold, or white. Not silver, because it will clash with the décor. Is this lady for real?” I groan and throw myself on my bed.

  “Unfortunately. I can’t believe she’d book me a flight after I told her I didn’t think I could make it.” That’s not true, I can totally believe it.

  “Not just you, sweet cheeks. You might want to text Barrett and tell him about the color scheme thing.”

  “Excuse me?” I shriek in horror.

  “Oh, did I not mention that? She booked three first class tickets.” Jodi doesn’t even try to hide her amusement.

  “I’m going to kill her!” I grab my phone and take it into the hallway, leaving nothing but Jodi’s laughter in my wake.

  It’s no use. I tried everything, and there was no getting out of it. All that’s left now is to swallow any dignity and pride I have left and go over and explain to Barrett and Randy that I have now highjacked their holiday. Oh Lord, he’s going to think I’ve gone completely single white female on him. Even from thousands of miles away, my mother has managed to completely sabotage my life!

  CHAPTER 26

  Barrett

  I’m doing homework when my light flicks on and off. I look up to see Randy standing in my doorway looking concerned.

  “What’s up?”

  “P here.”

  “What?” I look down at my phone to make sure I haven’t missed a text. Nope, nothing there.

  “She’s been crying, B,” he says, looking over his shoulder to make sure she didn’t follow. I don’t allow him time to add anything else, I’m up off the bed and out the door. I find her in the living room pacing back and forth. I lead her to the couch and have her sit, then I kneel in front of her. Randy was right, she has been crying, but she isn’t now. Her face is blotchy and red, and based on her swollen eyes, she’s been crying most of the day.

  “Wrong what?”

  “Your hand better!” I look down at my hand and realize this is the first time she’s seen me since I got the splint off.

  “Yes. Matter not. Happened?”

  “Nothing. Stupid, really. Bad day me…”

  “You not tell me something. What?”

  “Randy, you might as well come in here for this,” she yells over her shoulder and my uncle comes in from the kitchen.

  “I had horrible day at work and then a really bad call from my mom. God, I can’t believe this is happening.” She puts her head in her hands for a moment, then glances up, looking embarrassed. “You know I don’t get along with my parents very well, right?” She’s never really said much, but what she has said basically implied as much, so I nod. Randy just looks over at me and shrugs. “Well, my mom has been calling for the last few weeks about coming home for the holidays. Honestly, I really don’t want to go, so I kept making excuses to stay here. Well, Thanksgiving wasn’t hard to get out of because I only have a few days off, and then I have my internship, but she knew I had a few weeks at Christmas, so she expected me to go.”

  Between her rambling, trying to talk and sign at the same time, and wiping her tears every few minutes, I’m really struggling to figure out what she is saying, but Randy seems to be listening intently so I figure he can fill me in later.

  “I told her I wanted to stay here for Christmas to be with both of you…which I do,” she is quick to add, then she looks down for a minute and into my eyes. “I know it’s your first Christmas without your brother, I wanted to be here in case you needed me.” I squeeze my eyes tight for a moment. I hadn’t even thought about the holidays to be honest, the reminder hurts more than I thought.

  “That was very thoughtful of you, Presley, but we don’t want to create any problems with your parents. Barrett and I will understand if you have to go.” Randy looks at me and I nod.

  “I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to come out with it. I explained to my mom, and instead of her understanding…well, she kinda booked us first class tickets and is expecting us to go to Hartford for Christmas. All of us.” Randy looks taken aback, and I know I’m missing too much of this.

  “Wait.” I turn to Randy. “Explain please.”

  “P want stay here Christmas. P mom want her go home Christmas. P say want stay with us. P mom buy ticket for three us fly H A R T F O R D.” Wow, I’m not even sure how to process this, but apparently I’m not the only one, so I take a minute to rein everything in.

  “First,” I tick off on my fingers. “Wonderful job explain, R. Second, I need think.” I sit down next to Presley and run it over in my head. Part of me is relieved at the idea of not being here for Christmas. It just would not be the same without Codi. This way I might be able to escape some of those memories. Also, don’t know how they will hit me, and the last thing I want to do is have a breakdown in front of her family. I have been curious about her family and where she comes from, and I’ve never flown before, much less first class. I look over at Randy.

  “What think you?” He rubs his chin for a minute.

  “I’m with you. You go, I go. You stay, I stay.” I wasn’t expecting any less from him, so I toss him a smile, then look over at Presley.

  “You want us go?” She laughs without humor.

  “No, don’t want you go. Don’t want go me. My family…not nice. Rich S N O B S.” I place my hand on hers, stopping her.

  “Not matter. They want you come. Love you enough invite two men don’t know, pay fly us. No family perfect, P. Your family want you. If I one more day with my family, I cherish it. Don’t know when yours gone. We go H A R T F O R D.”

  “You’ll go? You want go?” She looks completely confused, and it’s kind of adorable. Randy must think so too, because he chuckles and we both sign “Yes.”

  I didn’t think going to Hartford for Christmas was going to be that big of a deal, but the closer we get to leaving, the more of a mess Presley is becoming. I didn’t think she even had it in her to get worked up, but she has been chewing her nails to the quick, pacing back and forth, and telling me the same things over a
nd over again. To be honest, it’s starting to rub off on me and my nerves are at an all-time high. A girl has never taken me home to meet her parents before. Then again, we haven’t even defined our relationship. She’s in college and I’m only in high school still, so I feel weird asking her to be my girlfriend…I’m not even sure if she’d want to, but we are more than just friends, so it’s a weird ground to tread anyway without adding meeting the parents on top.

  We got in a fight yesterday over her wanting to buy Randy and I a bunch of new clothes. I was offended that she was embarrassed by our appearance, but she made up some crap excuse about how cold it is in Hartford and how we will need a winter wardrobe if we go this time of year. I downright refused and told her to make a list of what we needed and I’d get it myself. Now that I’m no longer paying for rent and food and everything, I’m not as desperate financially anymore. The little minx tried to go behind my back and get our sizes from Randy, who had the same reaction I did.

  When I caught her sneaking through the clothes in my closet, I told her we weren’t going and she burst into tears. She apologized for being crazy and said the idea of going home just has her tied in knots. I can’t imagine what her parents must be like to cause this reaction in her, but it has my own stomach tied pretty tight. Tears don’t affect me like a lot of guys. I’ve seen my fair share of girls use them to get guys to do what they want, so they usually end up just pissing me off. Randy, however, is affected by tears, which is why we’re standing in the middle of some fancy store being fitted for clothes we could never afford in two lifetimes over. She promised it would just be one outfit for Christmas dinner, and then winter clothes, but I’m pretty sure I could put a down payment on a house with the total cost.

  I’m just about to go to bed when my phone vibrates.

  Presley: You up?