For the Love of Suzanne

by Hudecek-Ashwill, Kristi

  He wanted to be with her. He wanted to marry her and raise her child with her. But he couldn’t do it here. If he wanted to be with her, he was going to have to overcome his fear and go with her. Somehow.

  She watched him slowly stir the stew, respecting his silence and knew he had something on his mind.

  He looked at her. “I have something to tell you,” he said seriously.

  She felt a rush of dread go through her body, making her tremble slightly with nerves. The tone of his voice said what he had to say wasn’t going to be good.

  He took her hand and noticed she was shaking. “Why are you trembling?” he asked with genuine concern.

  She shook her head. “Please. Tell me what you have to say.”

  He watched her eyes fill with tears, making his heart miss a beat and brought her fingers to his lips. “Suzanne,” he cooed and wrapped his arms around her with a kiss to her soft hair.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispered in his ear as she held him around his waist. The sadness was becoming unbearable. She was losing him.

  He found himself amazingly close to tears. This was the woman he loved. He had never loved another and he never would. How could he let her go? But then, how could he not? She needed to be in her own world and he didn’t think he could adapt to it. Just from the few things she’d told him, he knew he would be lost and she would have to take care of him for the rest of his life. He was a proud man who had never had to rely on anyone else for his survival and didn’t want to start with her. There would be so much to learn even if it was an easier place to live. He couldn’t put that burden on her. It wouldn’t be fair for her to have to take care of him and a baby, too.

  Besides, he wasn’t sure he could cross over anyway. He knew she could and would very soon. They weren’t more than four days’ ride from where he’d found her in that awful machine. Their journey was almost over and she would leave him forever.

  He tightened his hold on her and kissed her forehead. “I love you so much, Suzanne,” he whispered to her sorrowfully.

  “I love you, too, Cody, but you’re just like every other man I’ve ever met.”

  “In what way?”

  She drew away and wouldn’t look at him as she ran her finger absently in the grass in front of her. “You want to leave me, too,” she whispered, breaking on the last word and covered her mouth in an effort to silence herself.

  “Oh, no,” he denied softly, putting his arm around her again. “No. That isn’t true. Not at all.”

  “Yes, it is,” she insisted. “And I deserve it because I’ve been nothing but a pain in the ass to you ever since we’ve met.”

  He’d heard her say that before and kept in mind that the ‘ass’ she was referring to was not a donkey. He knew what she meant. “You don’t deserve to be left,” he told her in a quiet voice. “What you deserve is a man who can take care of you, a man who can protect you and your child. I can’t do that in your world. I am not able,” he finished softly. “I don’t know how.”

  “I don’t need your damned protection anyway,” she muttered, brushing away her tears.

  He released her and stirred the stew a little more and handed her a biscuit.

  She shook her head. “I’m not hungry,” she sniffed.

  “Do it for your baby,” he said a little crisply and set it on her lap.

  She knew he was right and took a small bite. “I’m sorry,” she said shakily. “I had no right to talk to you like that.”

  “It’s okay,” he said quietly as he poured some stew into a bowl. “I know I’ve been thinking a lot about how I could get over to your world and what I would do if I got there and to be honest, I’m afraid,” he said uneasily.

  She looked at him. “I understand that. It’s scary here for me, too. But I would show you the ropes, look out for you and make sure you learned the way of life. Then when the time comes, I would let you go.”

  He shook his head as he handed her a bowl and a spoon. “That isn’t my idea.”

  She brushed her tears away, still looking at him. “What is your idea?”

  “I would need you to help me for a long time,” he said reluctantly. “There are so many things in your world that I do not understand. But what I do understand is that if I were to make it over, I would want us to stay together forever. I would want us to live in matrimony.”

  “But what if you find somebody else?” she asked uncertainly. “You won’t want to be stranded with me.”

  “Stranded?” he echoed with disapproval. “I love you. You don’t get stranded with someone you love,” he reasoned as he pushed a long strand of her hair behind her shoulder.

  “But I would have this baby. Would you be able to love and raise another man’s child?”

  “I’ve brought him this far. I would want to take him all the way. Have you thought about staying here?”

  She nodded. “This life is so hard,” she said forlornly. “It is a lot easier in my world. We have warm water that runs right into your house, showers, toilets; we have heat in the house that you turn on with a switch, air conditioners to cool us when we’re hot. We drive cars instead of ride horses. We can travel hundreds of miles in one day. There’s so much there, Cody. You would be amazed.”

  “I already am,” he said with a heavy sigh that spoke of his indecision. He was afraid of going with her, but was also afraid of staying behind and losing her. He knew she was the only one for him and he was sure it was forever. They were going to have to make it happen. Somehow.

  After a long while of silence, she asked him softly. “How much farther do we have to go?”

  “We can make it in four days provided we are where I think we are,” he said quietly.

  She nodded, knowing what it meant for them. “Will you at least think about it?”

  “I’ve been doing that a lot and yes, I will continue to do so,” he promised.

  “Thank you.”

  “I don’t know how I can make it, Suzanne,” he said thoughtfully as they ate. “Am I going to have to die first?”

  “I don’t want you to die,” she said sadly. “I didn’t have to die to get here and I don’t even know where here is.”

  He chewed thoughtfully. “Your world sounds fascinating.”

  She nodded as she ate. “Sometimes it even amazes me.”

  Chapter 39

  The next three days went by too fast. Suzanne rode quietly with him, deep in thought as was he. They exchanged kisses and touches with very little conversation and the nights were spent passionately with them ending up tangled with each other and exhausted. Each time, he held her as she wept and shed a few tears himself.

  Cody wanted to drag out the trip, but knew she wanted to get home. The baby was making her huge and uncomfortable and he knew it had to be close to time for her to give birth. He’d felt it moving many times under his hands and knew it was full of life which eased his guilty conscience a little after putting its mother through so much. He was thankful.

  Suzanne was in a dark mood and had been since they’d discussed his crossing over. The closer they got to where they thought she needed to be to get back, the sadder she became.

  On their last night in the desert, she rested in his arms after some tender lovemaking and kissed his bare chest. “I’m sorry how I’ve been acting lately,” she told him softly

  He kissed her forehead. “It’s okay.”

  She raised herself on her elbow and looked into his face by the light of the small fire. “I owe you some explanations.”

  He pushed her hair away from her face affectionately. “No, you don’t.”

  “Humor me. I need to get this off my chest tonight just in case I make it over tomorrow,” she said with light urgency.

  He hated the thought of that and said nothing as he continued to slowly trace her features with his finger.

  She found it distracting yet comforting at the same time. “You’re really a nice guy. I’ve never met anyone like you and I won’t ever forget you. I’ve be
en fortunate to know you. You’ve made me feel safe so many times when I knew we were in real danger. I’ve never felt safe with anybody until you. I didn’t know the feeling existed.”

  He gazed into her eyes. “I would give my life for you,” he said softly.

  She didn’t even try to stop the tears that streamed down her cheeks as she returned his gaze. This parting was worse than when her husband had died. “I don’t want you to do anything like that,” she whispered.

  “My life is already yours,” he reasoned. “I would give you the moon and the stars if I could.”

  “Cody,” she begged. “You’re making this really hard.”

  “Why? Because I’m trying to hold onto the only woman I’ve ever loved?” he countered with quiet defiance as he traced the track of her tears. “I love you, Suzanne.”

  She sniffed. “I love you, too, Cody,” she said shakily.

  He raised his head and kissed her softly for a moment. “Then stay with me,” he murmured, kissing her briefly. “I don’t know if I can make it to your world, but you’re already in mine. You can stay with me.”

  “My baby needs to be born in a hospital,” she said weakly.

  “I’ll find one.”

  “You don’t understand,” she said shakily with a sniff.

  “What’s there to understand?” he asked her innocently, lying down again. “Women here give birth all the time.”

  “I know, but if something should go wrong, the hospitals in my world can save my baby even if it isn’t breathing.”

  “I’m impressed,” he said matter-of-factly. “Are you afraid I won’t be able to love and care for your child?” he asked with suspicion.

  “No but—“

  “Stay,” he interrupted her quietly and pulled her down for a kiss. “I’ll find a preacher and we’ll get married and raise the child together,” he murmured as their breaths mingled.

  She closed her eyes in agony and sniffed softly. “I love you, but I can’t stay here. I hate to sound like a wimp, but it’s scary and so hard. I don’t know how much more I can take.”

  He hugged her tightly, understanding her desire for an easier way. “Oh, Suzanne,” he sighed and kissed her fragrant hair. “I don’t know what to do.”

  She buried her face in his chest. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without you,” she wept with regret.

  He cuddled her, stroking her bare back, unable to answer because he’d been wondering how he was going to live without her, too. The past months had been so hard at times, but just being with her had made it bearable, even when she had been so sick.

  She suddenly arched against him with a sharp gasp and rolled away from him, clutching her belly. She threw her head back, stifling a scream of pain.

  He sat up in a panic. “Is it time?

  “I don’t know,” she panted as the pain eased. “I’ve lost track. I don’t know.”

  He didn’t know what to do. He’d never seen a baby born or been around a woman who was giving birth. “You have to stop that baby from coming,” he said as he quickly got dressed.

  “Yeah, right,” she laughed. “He’s coming whenever he wants whether we like it or not. Ah!” she gasped with more pain then began to laugh again as it subsided. “It’s impossible to stop this.”

  He rose to his feet. “What do you want me to do?” he asked anxiously.

  “I don’t know,” she said as she breathed raggedly. “I need to get back to my world. Now. ”

  He understood. Their time for parting had come and hadn’t waited until morning like they’d thought it would. He retrieved her baggy cotton dress and helped her to sit up, wanting her to retain her modesty if she made it back. He didn’t want her to be found naked and be embarrassed.

  He leaned her against a tree and began to saddle Titan. “Please stop this now,” he begged God.

  She watched him as her pain subsided. She didn’t want to leave him. She didn’t want to stay. She wanted to laugh at his panic, but the ultimate end was so close and she fought tears instead.

  He was quick with the horse, wanting to get her back, swallowing his feelings and putting hers first. He went back to her and knelt down. “Is it time?”

  “I think so, but I don’t know what you have to do.”

  “We’re in a fix. I don’t know, either,” he said as he anxiously combed his fingers through his hair.

  She could see the fear in his face and understood it well. She was just as afraid if not more so. She took his hand. “We aren’t going to make it back to the car,” she said hoarsely.

  He kissed her fingertips. “I know, honey,” he said compassionately. “But we’re going to try.”

  Another pain gripped her, making her gasp and grit her teeth.

  He was stunned. She’d been perfectly fine a short while ago. Were babies this abrupt all the time? He was more terrified than he’d ever been in his life. He knew there was technique and order to giving birth, but he had no idea what they were.

  When he helped her up, she clutched her belly again as a warm liquid drenched her legs. “Oh my God,” she moaned, knowing this was time. Her water had broken.

  He knew it was time, too and wished someone else was here to do this. “I don’t know what to do,” he panicked.

  “Get a doctor. This is happening way too fast,” she said in broken gasps.

  “There isn’t a doctor for miles and I’m not going to leave you here,” he exclaimed.

  He laid her down again and watched her roll onto her side and throw up. “Oh God,” he rasped, dropping beside her and began to rub her back in a futile effort to make her a little more comfortable then pulled her away and laid her on her back. He could feel her sweating and hear her gasping for air and dashed to the stream and took off his shirt and got it wet. He ran back to her and began to gently wipe her face with the cool water.

  She clutched his wrist as he gently brushed the beads from her face and gazed into his fear-filled eyes. She smiled lamely. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you afraid until now.”

  “This is a frightening thing, honey,” he said softly and kissed her fingertips again. “I am frightened.”

  She squeezed his hand affectionately. “So am I.”

  “Are you better now?”

  She was breathing much easier and the pain had subsided, but the sickening wetness between her legs reminded her that all was not well. “My water broke. The baby is coming and he isn’t going to wait.”

  “Water?” he echoed dumbly, but got no answer because she was gripped with another painful spasm.

  She didn’t yell or scream but clutched his hand tightly. The pain was short-lived and she relaxed again, but still breathed hard. “I’m going to name this baby after you.”

  “What if it’s a girl?”

  “She’ll have a boy name—AH!” she gasped as she squeezed his hand and arched her back in pain.

  Under normal circumstances, he would have thought her last comment to be amusing, but he was frantic by the coming of a new life that he had no idea how to care for. “I wish the boy would wait,” he murmured to himself, holding Suzanne around her back for support.

  She fell against him, panting hard. “I’m such a wimp. I hate being in pain.”

  He dabbed the sweat from her forehead. “I know, sweetheart. Nobody likes it,” he said sympathetically and kissed her on the cheek. “I wish I knew what to do.”

  She chuckled without humor. “Me, too.”

  He kissed her on the forehead, wishing she were in her world. There would be people there who could help. She’d said so.

  “I love you, Cody,” she said breathlessly.

  “I love you, Suzanne,” he said with near desperation.

  She raised herself and kissed him on the lips. “I would have married you.”

  “I wanted you to,” he told her softly and began to rub her belly as another contraction seized her.

  “I-I know,” she panted and began to look around in awe, feeling something change. T
he air had changed and the stars were spinning. “Hold onto me, Cody,” she begged, wondering what was going on. “Hold onto me,” she nearly panicked as a big wind came up.

  “I’ve got you, honey,” he said as he watched the campfire go out and what felt like a storm coming on. But he’d never seen anything like this. The sky was abysmal and all light had disappeared; he felt like they were spinning.

  “Hold onto me,” she pleaded loudly above the roaring wind.

  He pulled her to his chest and buried his face in her neck and held her close as they were both lifted into a vortex that seemed to go on forever.

  Chapter 40

  “Suzanne, I’m worried about you,” Jeannette Lightfield told her daughter as they sat together in Suzanne’s living room, watching Suzanne’s son play with his toy keys on his tummy.

  She looked at her mother who seemed to have aged while she’d been gone. Her blond hair was nearly white and she’d cut it short. She had crow’s feet at her eyes and deep lines around her mouth, neither of which she’d had before. “Why?”

  “You haven’t been the same since little Cody was born…or should I say, since you got lost in the desert?”

  She shook her head sadly, thinking of the elder Cody and grieved silently as she had for the last seven months. She missed him so much. Not a day went by when she didn’t replay their short time together in her head. She knew he’d been in the vortex with her, but what had happened to him? Where had he gone?

  “Did you meet somebody while you were out there?”

  She shook her head and bit her finger fretfully.

  “You were gone for the duration of your pregnancy, Suzy. Where were you?”

  “I was lost, Mom,” she said shakily. “It was a miracle I made it out alive.”

  “I agree, but where were you? How did you find your way back to the road after all that time? You were in labor when they picked you up, you know. You were minutes from having that little boy,” she pointed at the baby who was oblivious to his grandmother’s hype about his safety. “If that sheriff’s deputy hadn’t come along, you both might have died.”