For the Love of Suzanne

by Hudecek-Ashwill, Kristi

  She wanted so badly to ask if there had been a man with her when she’d been found, but everybody was already thinking she was crazy because of the red cotton dress she’d been wearing that was obviously of another time. She’d been questioned extensively by the authorities. Nobody had made mention of a man.

  She fingered Cody’s rosary that she still wore around her neck, missing him badly. “Mom, please,” she begged. “It’s been seven months and we’re both okay. Can we just forget about it now? Please?”

  “You’re hiding something,” she said suspiciously. “You would think you would be happy to be back with your family, but you’re so distant. What happened out there?”

  She began to roll a couple of the wooden beads between her fingers as she fought her tears. She’d lost the only man she’d ever loved, but something told her he was here. If he had made it, he was probably very scared and had run. He could easily live off the land. He’d done it all his life so that part of his survival was nothing to worry about. It was the modern stuff that would terrify him and keep him in the desert…if he’d made it.

  When she’d been found, she had been wearing the dress that Marda had given her which had raised many eyebrows in the small town where she lived. She didn’t even try to explain and had taken it to the cleaners and then put it away. It was of another time and another place. It was a memento of Cody.

  Once at the hospital, the doctors and nurses had delivered a healthy seven pound, three ounce baby boy whom she promptly named Cody James. She had never known the elder Cody’s middle name so had just used that one, thinking it was okay. She didn’t feel at all guilty about not naming her son after Beau who had never wanted the baby anyway. Cody had offered to love both of them and to raise the child as his own. And after all he’d done for her, it was the least she could do to honor and thank him.

  While she’d been in the hospital, the doctor had noticed a slight deformity in her arm after Cody had been born. He’d ordered some X-rays and referred her to another doctor who suggested she get it broken again and set correctly. It didn’t cause her pain or inhibit her actions in any way so she hadn’t given it much thought.

  All she could think about was Cody. She was thinking after all this time that maybe he hadn’t survived the vortex. It didn’t stop her from checking out all the Native American men who came into the diner where she’d gone back to work six weeks after little Cody’s birth. Any man who had long hair or the soft dark eyes or the hard features of the man who had stolen her heart was always the one she checked out the closest. But nothing ever panned out and she was resigned to the fact that he was gone forever.

  She spent every night alone and lonely for him. Her son filled a massive void in her life, but she longed to share it with the elder Cody, too. She often chastised herself for having fantasies of him being with her in her humble trailer house, teaching him to drive and how to work the shower, taking part in her baby’s life and sharing a bed with him. She still wanted a life with him, but she knew her prayers were an exercise in futility and her hopes were fading.

  She had been prodded by the media for interviews on what had happened to her and where she had been, but after seven months and her repeated denials, the requests had stopped, leaving her to harbor her secret that she would take to her grave. The love that she and Cody had shared was sacred. She didn’t see the need to broadcast it for the skeptics of the world to criticize and mock even if the financial incentives had been phenomenal. It had been real and to say anything publicly would be to cheapen it and dishonor him.

  “I think you need to see a psychiatrist,” Jeannette said matter-of-factly.

  “No,” she sniffed, not even aware of when the tears had started. “I just need more time.”

  “Have you thought about moving back to New York?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t want to raise Cody there, Mom,” she said quietly.

  “Oh, honey, I can’t leave you out here alone,” she said worriedly. “How are you going to take care of Cody while you work?”

  “I’ve been working for months now and the daycare is working fine,” she said as she covered her mother’s hand and gave her a reassuring smile. “We’re going to be okay.”

  Jeannette looked at her daughter with disbelief, but knew she was a stubborn girl and there was no point in arguing.

  Baby Cody slapped himself in the forehead with the plastic keys and let out a short yelp, but then went back to playing.

  “Beau would have loved that boy,” Jeannette said thoughtfully as she gazed at the little dark-haired pudgy boy.

  “You’re wrong on that one, Mom,” she said quietly.

  She looked at her daughter who had gotten her hair cut to her shoulders after she’d given birth to Cody. It looked like it had been burned and when she asked her about it, she’d told her she’d gotten too close to an open fire and let it drop. “Beau wouldn’t like his only child?” she asked in dismay.

  “He didn’t believe he was the father,” she said with a twinge of pain in her heart. She may have dealt him some bad cards once in awhile, but she never would have done something like that to him. “I was going to file for a divorce, but he died too soon.”

  “Oh, my God, Suzanne,” she said in awe, her blue eyes clouded with concern. “Why?”

  “He was not a nice guy. He used to hit me and berate me and bring women around and drink his paycheck before we could get the bills paid. I was pregnant and I needed a stable life for my baby and I didn’t want my baby around him. I just wanted a happy life with a loving husband and my child. I got half of it,” she finished with a slight smile, silently mourning for Cody again.

  Jeannette saw a long tear slip down her daughter’s face and was sure at that moment that Suzanne didn’t even know she was there. Her daughter looked so sad. She never seemed happy anymore. She’d been here for a week and had watched her listlessly shuffle around the house unless Cody was awake. She would play with him and care for him, was attentive and loving. She had no doubt that Suzanne was a good mother, but she was just so sad.

  Jeannette patted her daughter’s arm affectionately, thinking she was missing Beau. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said sincerely.

  She gave her mother an appreciative smile. “You didn’t. I’m just a little sad today,” she said somberly and rose to her feet, slapping Jeannette playfully on the knee. “I’ll get Cody’s supper made then I have to go to work.”

  “Oh, I can do it,” she said excitedly and followed her to the kitchen which was an open area with the living room.

  “Are you sure you don’t mind?”

  “I love it. I love playing Grandma,” she said with a smile. “I have to go back home tomorrow so you’d better let me play while I can.”

  She smiled. “Okay.”

  That night at work was the same as every other. She found herself checking out all the Indian men who came in and not one of them even remotely looked like Cody Black Fox. When her shift ended, she went home in tears and cried herself to sleep like she did so often since she’d been back.

  Chapter 41

  “I wish I could stay longer,” Jeannette told Suzanne longingly as they walked through the airport, Suzanne pushing Cody in his stroller.

  “Oh, it’s okay. We’ll be fine,” she assured her with a smile. “We’ve made it this far so we just as well go all the way.”

  She sighed. “I know, but I hate that my grandson is in daycare. You don’t know what kind of fruitcakes work at those places.”

  “I checked the references, Mom,” she said patiently. “Everything panned out.”

  “I wish you’d let me hire a nanny,” she muttered.

  She smiled. “No. There are fruitcakes there, too, only they live with you. Nah. I’ve got this under control, but it was sweet of you to offer,” she said appreciatively.

  Suzanne sat down and pushed the stroller back and forth with her foot as Cody slept peacefully in it, waiting for her mother to get her lug
gage checked in and looking around the small airport terminal for anyone who looked like Cody. As always, she was disappointed.

  She silently chastised herself for doing it again. It had been seven months and there had been no sign of him. She couldn’t help but think he’d made it over and maybe he was hiding or looking for her. He’d be so scared and she was scared for him. Why can’t I just let him go? she asked herself with frustration. Maybe he didn’t make it. He would have shown himself by now, wouldn’t he? She knew he would. He had always been honest and he’d told her numerous times that he’d loved her and she’d told him she loved him, too. Surely that would have been incentive enough for him to at least try to find her. She reminded herself that he was a stranger in this world and if he was lost, he was very afraid.

  “Suzanne.”

  She looked at her mother, realizing she’d been talking to her. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”

  “You were a million miles away,” she gently admonished as she dug through her carry-on bag. “I think you need to get help,” she said seriously. “I don’t know what happened to you out there, but it has affected you. Will you look for a therapist?”

  “I can’t afford one and even if I could, I wouldn’t go. I’m okay. Really,” she said convincingly.

  “You can call me anytime, you know,” she reminded her.

  She nodded. “I know.”

  She kissed her on the forehead. “Do it more often.”

  “I will,” she promised.

  “Good girl,” she said and hugged her for a moment then knelt before the stroller and kissed her fingertips and gently pressed them to the baby’s soft cheek.”Precious little guy,” she murmured with a serene smile.

  Suzanne stood with her mother when her flight was called and hugged her fiercely. “Thanks for coming, Mom. I really enjoyed having you here and I hope you come again soon.”

  She drew away with a smile. “You’ve always been such a sweet person, Suzanne,” she said with admiration. “I’m so lucky to have you for my daughter.”

  “I’m lucky to have you for my mom, too,” she said sincerely and kissed her on the cheek. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too, honey,” she said with a gentle smile.

  They hugged again and Jeannette picked up her bag. “I hate these damn commuter flights. They are just like driving on an old country road,” she complained. “All they are is aerial stagecoaches. You feel every bump.”

  She laughed. “You’ll be fine.”

  “I’ll just get drunk on the plane,” she teased with a wink and a smile.

  She giggled. “Bye, Mom.”

  She laughed and waved. “Call me,” she called as she headed toward the gate.

  She waved. “I will.”

  After the small airplane took off, Suzanne took her sleeping son back to her car and secured him in his car seat in the back of the late model four-door dark blue Chevy her mother had bought her after little Cody had been born. It wasn’t new, but it was newer than what she’d had and ran like a top and looked great. She appreciated it.

  Cody woke up, fussing a little as she started the car. She popped his pacifier into his mouth and backed out of the parking place and headed for the desert where she’d crashed the Cavalier and had met the elder Cody. It was far out of her way and she knew she should save the gas, but she went every chance she got just in case he was there.

  ~~~

  She came upon the site where the accident had been and slowed down as tears streamed down her face. She looked out into the land of cactus, rocks, and sand. There was no sign of anybody out here just like it was every time she came out here.

  Pulling off to the side of the road, she broke down into sobs and buried her face in her hands. “Oh God, Cody, where are you?” she blubbered. “We could have made it work. I would have taken care of you and made sure you were okay,” she wept, tears blinding her as she freely and openly wailed her anguish.

  A soft tap on the passenger window startled her and made her look. An Indian man was looking in at her. He had dark eyes, bronze skin and had hair almost to his waist that was flying in the wind. He was wearing buckskin pants and no shirt.

  She rubbed her eyes, trying to clear them, thinking her imagination was in overdrive. This man looked like Cody with hair that was longer than before, but the bare chest, the pants and those eyes were unmistakable. She covered her eyes in disbelief only to hear the tap again.

  The man was still there.

  She slowly got out, afraid that this was an illusion or a mirage or that maybe the man wasn’t Cody at all, but was nefarious and wanted to hurt her or little Cody. Maybe he needed help or a ride. Regardless, he looked so much like Cody, it tore at her heart even more.

  He stood on the other side of the car and looked at her, but didn’t say anything, wondering if she recognized him. He recognized her even though her hair was shorter, but that was the only difference he could see other than the fact she’d given birth to her child. She was dressed in those short pants again that showed her legs and made her look sexy. She was slim and every bit as beautiful as he remembered.

  “Do you need a ride?” she asked him breathlessly, suddenly trembling with nervousness.

  He looked at her openly, wanting to kiss her and hug her, but she’d shown no sign of recognizing him so he said nothing.

  She was staring at him, too, hoping it was him and then looked away. “I’m sorry for staring. It’s just that you look so much like a guy I used to know,” she said shakily. “I’ve lost him and I came out here to see if I could find him. I’m sorry. That’s too much information. Where are you going?” she asked with a soft sniff.

  He knew it was her now and her last few sentences told him that she knew who he was, too. “With you, I hope,” he said softly.

  She recognized that voice and went around the running car as tears started again and lightly touched his chest with her fingers. “It’s you,” she whispered in amazement, looking into his dark eyes.

  He touched her arm and nodded, returning her gaze. “It’s you,” he repeated barely above a whisper.

  “Oh my God, Cody,” she wept and went into his arms and hugged him tightly.

  “Sh-h, honey,” he whispered, caressing her hair, smelling the fresh fragrance of it. “It’s all going to be okay now,” he promised, holding her close.

  She couldn’t believe she was finally holding him in her arms and hoped she wasn’t imagining this. She could feel the heat coming from his body, smell his familiar masculine scent, hear his heart beating under her ear and touch his hair. He was real. He wasn’t a ghost or a figment of her imagination. He was a living, breathing human being.

  He hushed her tears into his shoulder, slowly rocking her, so happy to have her in his arms again. He held her as close as he could, letting his own tears of emotion roll down his cheeks and began to kiss her neck and cheeks. “I thought I would never find you,” he said with relief and kissed her lips for a moment then hugged her. “I’ve prayed for this moment.”

  “Me, too,” she choked and lifted her head to gaze into his warm, dark eyes. “How long have you been looking?” she asked him with a reverent sniff.

  “Forever,” he whispered and kissed her gently on the lips. “I’ve longed for you, Suzanne,” he told her with a sniff.

  She ran her hand down his handsome face, gazing into his dark eyes again. It’s him, she thought happily and kissed him longer and harder then hugged him tightly again. “It’s you,” she whispered against his neck.

  He held her tightly. “Oh honey, I’ve been looking for you for so long. I thought I’d never find you.”

  She clung to him. “I was looking for you, too.”

  “I know you were,” he said softly.

  “How did you know?”

  “I’ve seen this evil machine go up and down this road a lot. I’ve seen a lot of these evil machines, but not as many times as I’ve seen this one. I was always afraid to show myself,” he confessed.

&nbs
p; She drew away, holding him by his biceps and gazed into his dark eyes again. “You’ve been here the whole time?” she asked with surprise.

  He nodded. “I saw the big white machine that said ‘ambulance’ on the side take you away and I didn’t know where you’d gone.”

  “That was seven months ago,” she said wondrously. “I’ve been coming out here a couple of times a week ever since my baby was born. You didn’t know it was me?”

  “I wasn’t sure until today. I couldn’t see your face until now.”

  “But I got out of the car and called for you a bunch of times.”

  He nodded. “I know, but with your hair being shorter and not being with child anymore, I couldn’t be sure it was you.”

  “You heard me?”

  He nodded again with a look of apology in his eyes and touched her soft, blond hair.

  “I was worried about you,” she whispered and hugged him again.

  He held her. “I’m sorry, honey.”

  The baby began to squawk, drawing them apart.

  Suzanne opened the back door of the car and released him from his car seat and lifted him into her arms to show Cody.

  He looked on in awe, knowing the child was a boy because he was dressed in a pair of light blue shorts and a matching t-shirt that had Mommy’s Best Man written across the chest. “My son,” he stated more than asked.

  She nodded with a smile. “If you still want the job.”

  “Yes, I do,” he said with soft enthusiasm and took the baby from her and cradled him to his chest and kissed him on the forehead and gazed into his face, noticing his dark eyes and dark hair and surmised her late husband must have had the same. It didn’t matter. “Hi,” he cooed to him. “I’ll bet your name is Cody, too.”

  She nodded with a big smile. “It is. I told you I was going to name the baby after you.”

  He smiled back at her as he lightly bounced the baby in his arms. “Yes, you did.”