Heart's Desire

by Sorcha MacMurrough

  He glared. "Well, now that you're obviously free, I'd be grateful if you would spare the time to talk to me."

  "Yes, of course. Only I can't really imagine what you wish to talk about," Sinead said coldly, hoping her tone would put him off. She was already feeling vulnerable enough without those incredible eyes penetrating into the depths of her soul.

  "Can't you?" Austin said with a little smile, his voice trailing off to a sensual whisper.

  Sinead began to panic as she remembered his kisses and caresses. Had he come here to carry on where he had left off? She assumed her most aloof manner, looking down her delicate nose at him. "Mr. Riordan, I'm well aware of your reputation for getting everything you want when you want it, but I refuse to be treated as a servant. I haven't had the chance to sit down for the past," she glanced at her watch dramatically, "five hours, and I've just had the unpleasant task of trying to resuscitate a cardiac patient unsuccessfully for ages and then having to break the bad news to some grieving relatives. So if you've come for you car keys, here they are. I'm sorry you had to come here to find me."

  Sinead was near tears as she recollected the frail but jolly old man again. She could barely disguise her upset as she shakily offered him the keys. Her heart skipped a beat as he took both her hand and the keys and stroked her fingers gently with his thumb.

  "I'm sorry, I had no idea," Austin said quietly, as she tried to pull away. "I didn't mean to come blundering in here like an insensitive ass. Just sit back down, and we'll start again, all right?"

  All Sinead could do was nod helplessly. She returned to relative safety behind the table, conscious of his critical gaze taking in all of her appearance as she sat. Too late she wondered with horror what she must look like and automatically put her hand up to her cap and hair.

  Just as she suspected-her unruly dark brown hair under her cap was askew and she hadn't put on a scrap of make-up since morning. Glancing down in dismay, she realized she hadn't zipped up the front of her uniform again after undoing it in the heat of her efforts to save the dying man. Her sleeves were rolled up, exposing her long arms, and her skirt had ridden half-way up her shapely thighs. She hastily pulled a fresh apron out of one of the drawers in the cabinets that lined the room and flung it over her disheveled uniform as she got to her feet again.

  "If you'll excuse me, there are one or two more things I have to check. I'll be with you in a minute," Sinead managed to say briskly. She fled the staff room without a backward glance.

  Essentially a truthful person, she did go back around the ICC and cardiac area for one last check of the monitors before disappearing into the ladies' room.

  Just as Sinead had suspected, she looked a mess. But without her handbag there was very little she could do to herself other than rearrange her clothes. But taking it would have given away her embarrassment and vanity in an instant.

  Suddenly, with a stab of anger as much at herself as Austin, Sinead declared under her breath, "This is crazy! What do I care what he thinks of me, anyway? Even if I had my bag, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of fixing myself up."

  Hair dragged back into a neater pony tail and clean apron decently in place, Sinead squared her shoulders and marched back into the staff room to face Austin head on.

  "Well, if you're insisting on having a chat, can I get you a cup of tea?"

  "That's very kind of you. Milk, no sugar," Austin said with an easy smile.

  Sinead busied herself with the kettle and a mug, all the time painfully conscious of the steel-gray eyes watching her every move.

  He made no attempt at polite conversation. Sinead was so unsure of her voice that she couldn't manage to utter even the simplest platitudes about the weather. Finally the kettle boiled and she was forced to approach his huge form as she handed him the mug.

  "Thank you very much. It seems I'm in your debt once again."

  "Mr. Riordan, please don't embarrass me by thanking me for doing my job. Anyone else would have stopped to help you. Of course it was lucky that I'm a nurse, but I'm sure you would have been fine. Let's say no more about it."

  "I am grateful, but not just because of the help. You didn't fuss, you looked after my car, you inquired after me to the doctor..." Austin's voice trailed away as she blushed, remembering that she had telephoned downstairs several times to her brother-in-law Mike, mainly to check on other things, but also to ask about Austin.

  "I always talk to Dr. Sheridan about the casualty patients, so I know what we might have to cope with up here in ICC," she replied a shade too hastily, and certainly very awkwardly, for the gray eyes shot sparks, and his face became hard and unreadable.

  Then, almost as if by divine intervention, the elevator bell rang, and Mike appeared outside the lounge door with an intravenous bag in one hand, Dan the nurse pushing a gurney alongside him.

  "Hi, gorgeous," Mike said, popping into the room for a quick moment to throw his arm around her in a big bear hug.

  They had been friends since childhood, and this sparkling and handsome young man marrying her younger sister Maeve had brought them even closer together. It was good to always have an understanding and sympathetic ear when it came to her work in the hospital.

  Sinead glimpsed a seething Austin out of the corner of her eye, and wondered briefly if he could possibly be jealous of Mike as she gazed up at the six foot four gentle giant.

  "I heard about old Mr. Brown, Sinead, so I thought I'd come up with this one myself and give a bit of moral support," he said, kissing the top of her head.

  Sinead turned to Austin to apologize, but all he said was, "Obviously our little chat will have to be postponed. Come to my room tomorrow at four, Room 103. And don't forget!" he said coldly, a veiled threat buried in his gruff tones.

  "Fine, but I still don't see--"

  "You will when I speak to you."

  Mike chatted away to Dan while they handed over the new patient to one of the other nurses. As Austin waited in his wheelchair at the elevator bank, Mike said to Sinead, "Well, darling, that's just about it for you for today. Go straight home, and have a nice hot bath with that jasmine stuff you like so much. Don't worry about dinner, I'll bring home a take away."

  With another bear hug, Mike vanished down the corridor, leaving Austin fuming as he wheeled into the lift.

  As the doors shut on his scowling face, Sinead realised too late what conclusions the handsome young architect had jumped to. She opened her mouth to call him back and explain. But it was too late. The doors were already closed and he was gone.

  With an arch smile, Sinead decided that there was no harm at all in letting him think she and Mike were lovers. Austin Riordan could think whatever he liked, so long as he kept away from her! He was just too powerful, too sure of himself, more arrogant than any doctor she had ever worked with. No, that wasn't quite true, she thought with a shudder. Swallowing hard, she forced herself to turn around and walk away from the elevator and get back to work. The less she had to do with a man like Austin Riordan, the better.

  Chapter Three

  Later in the solitude of a steaming, fragrant bathtub, Sinead turned over the events of the day in her mind, trying to make sense of them and her feelings for Austin Riordan. She'd heard all about the marvelous Mr. Riordan from virtually every nurse who came into contact with him, for they all gushed about his good looks and gentlemanly manners. She had become sick of hearing his name or having him pointed out to her several times a day with squeals of delight. In only two months, he had turned the head of every woman at Castlemaine General.

  But with the men it was different. Perhaps it was natural male envy, Sinead thought charitably, but Austin had gained himself the reputation of being an arrogant perfectionist who did not suffer fools gladly and would do anything to get his own way. He ruled the building site workers with a rod of iron.

  While he did appreciate the fact that his renovations would inconvenience the hospital staff, he was not averse to locking horns with the doctors if he felt they wer
e being less than co-operative. Mike had complained to her several times that Austin dismissed any arguments put to him with a contemptuous wave of the hand. Even the head of the hospital, Declan Jameson, normally a brilliant peacemaker, was finding it a full-time job to keep some of the doctors away from Austin's throat.

  Was this why she was so afraid of Austin? Or was there something else troubling her at the back of it all? He was certainly domineering, and Sinead did feel helpless in his presence. But surely she had nothing to fear from him. Or had she?

  Guiltily, Sinead recalled his kiss on the mouth, and the kiss on the cheek, his arms around her, the warmth of his flesh, the touch of his hand and the amazing look in his eyes. But she fought the tingling sensations back as her more rational side told her that that way lay madness. She had been deceived once before by that sort of glamorous man and vowed it would never happen again. Because of Luke Stephens, her world had nearly come to an end. She never wanted to fall under a man's spell again.

  Luke had been her whole world, from her teenaged years until nearly a year ago, when his life had ended and her own had hung precariously in the balance in a hospital in Dubai for six months. Luke had been the reason for her training to be a nurse, for her moving from hospital to hospital like a vagabond while he continually sought new challenges. He had also been the reason for her following him out to the Middle East. She had been so blind.

  She knew she couldn't regret everything entirely, for she loved helping people and knew that she was good at her job. She'd reached the height of her profession on her own merits, certainly not through any help from Luke as a high-flying doctor. But always, just when Luke had seemed assured of a prestigious position, he would pull up stakes and restlessly move on to the next hospital and start all over again from scratch.

  Once Sinead had reached thirty, she had hoped they would settle down, but Luke had always managed to fob her off with excuses. Finally, after her persistence had lasted longer than usual, Luke had informed her that he was going off to Dubai.

  Tears welled up in Sinead's eyes as she reminisced. Shaking herself, she realized that the bath water was growing cold. She hopped out of the tub and dried herself vigorously with a big fluffy white towel, chafing her skin hard to warm herself.

  She left the bathroom, perched on the edge of her bed and brushed out her hair, forcing herself to confront the painful memories she had avoided for so long.

  Luke had moved out of their Dublin house, but eventually after several months Sinead had been able to secure a job out in Dubai herself. After leaving their home in the hands of a real estate agent, she had packed only a couple of bags and rushed out to join him.

  She had known for some time that Luke's attitude was different, but she had truly believed that this time they'd be able to make a fresh start far away from Ireland.

  Sinead recalled with a pang of self-disgust how much she had looked forward to seeing Luke again. How she'd fantasized about the magical reunion they would have once she was in his arms again.

  But life had never worked out for Sinead the way she wished. She shouldn't really have been so devastated to find Luke's door opened by a sultry dark-haired woman in a nurse's uniform.

  She had wanted to run away, but Luke had grabbed Sinead and pulled her into the apartment while the woman went off to work. The bitter truth was now out: the affair had been going on for years. Sinead had been too blind to see, even though, to be fair, Luke had tried to tell her often enough that their relationship was going nowhere.

  Margaret had gone out to the Middle East with him, and they had been living together with a view to getting married.

  Sinead had been devastated at the news. They had not made love for ages, though Sinead had not really minded since she'd never found their sex life as fantastic as the novels and magazines had led her to believe it ought to be. But after so many years, and so many sacrifices, she and Luke should have been the ones getting married. Not her and the hard-faced home wrecker she had just seen.

  After a long talk, which Sinead remembered with shame was more like a great deal of begging and pleading on her part to try one more time, Luke had agreed that they had too much shared history to throw it all away on someone like Margaret, who might be a nurse but didn't have a compassionate bone in her body, as Luke himself admitted.

  He moved out and found them a dreamy new apartment complete with a nursery and Luke and Sinead had a quick registry office marriage.

  This new security should have made Sinead feel safe, but her fears had actually grown. Sinead had begun to notice something else about Luke which upset her more than his infidelity. She began to grow more and more certain as the weeks passed that Luke was using drugs heavily. At first, he had seemed delighted to be married and eager to try for a baby. But within a couple of weeks, the honeymoon was truly over. He claimed he was working long shifts at the hospital and was often on call at all hours of the day and night. He also became subject to violent moods swings and when she did see him, he barely ate, slept or relaxed.

  Sinead also suspected that he was still seeing the sultry Margaret whenever he could squeeze her in, stretching his already exhausted body to breaking point.

  One morning Sinead had stumbled sleepily in the bathroom to find him downing a huge handful of pills. Shocked, she had lost her temper completely. The violent argument that had exploded that dawn brought them to breaking point.

  Luke had told her it was his own life, to ruin as he saw fit. No matter how much she reminded him about all that he was risking, life, job, career, he simply said that he didn't care anymore.

  Sinead realized now with the benefit of hindsight that Luke had always been a willful, self-destructive person who loved to live on the edge. She also began to admit that she would never have been able to help him even if she had known sooner. But that didn't make what happened to the both of them any less painful, for all her attempts to be philosophical.

  About a week after her discovery, shortly before the Christmas holidays, they had quarrelled bitterly again over him using drugs. One minute they were heading to work, the next, Luke crashed their car. She swallowed down the feelings of nausea as she recalled that fateful day. For she was certain that he had crashed it into the stone wall deliberately in order to end what had become for him an unbearable life.

  He might well have been suicidal, but that didn't excuse him taking her with him. She had been in hospital, in and out of a coma, with serious injuries, for about four months. Her sister Maeve, a primary school teacher, had dropped everything to be with her out in Dubai. After another two months of hospital treatment and physical rehabilitation to learn how to do many basic things again and regain her strength after being bedridden for so long, Sinead had been allowed to return to Ireland.

  Maeve and Mike had taken her in and helped her feel grateful that she was still alive for the first time since the accident. She had returned to work in August, and was glad of the busy routine, for it kept her from brooding. But while the scars had healed externally, internally, she still felt as though she would never be a whole person again. She didn't think she could trust any man ever again. Certainly not a domineering one like Luke. Let alone one like Austin Riordan!

  No, Sinead had her career, her family, her peace of mind. No man was ever going to take over her life or destroy her happiness. She felt relieved at the thought that after tomorrow, she would have two weeks to get ready for Christmas. Thus she would have no chance of crossing paths with Austin again. By the time she got back to the hospital, he would be feeling better and no doubt back to work bullying everyone who crossed his path and failed to meet his expectations.

  A small sigh of regret escaped her. She would go see him at tea time tomorrow. There was no harm in seeing him one last time, was there? And that would be the end of it.

  Despite herself, she sighed. She shuddered with pleasure at the thought of his scent, his kisses. It had been so long... And it was rather nice to be paid attention to as a woman, no
t always a busy professional.

  But no, he couldn't have known what he was doing. She wasn't a woman, she was a nurse, she reminded herself. In spite of her fears, she looked forward to her next meeting with the compelling Austin Riordan.

  Chapter Four

  The next day threatened snow, but the weather did not dampen Sinead's spirits. She was looking forward to her holiday, and was even regarding Christmas with a certain degree of enjoyment. A year ago she had been near death. Now she was back home in Castlemaine, her sister was expecting a baby in February, she had a good job, a lovely home, financial security.

  Yet in the back of her mind came the niggling thought that while she ought to be happy, she wasn't.

  But the holidays were a time of joy and New Year's Eve supposed to be a time for looking forward, not back. So Sinead put some tinsel in her long dark hair to indulge in the festive spirit and breezed through her many jobs in the hospital. She knew she would be exhausted, but would get a good rest at the end of it all.