Confessions of an Estranged College Freshman

by Kitty Parker

  I looked at the clock. There were only five minutes left in the period.

  That's it, I decided. I'm doing something during the break.

  I knew that what I was planning was completely nuts. There was no way I'd get away with it without being kicked out of the rink. But that was a sacrifice I was willing to make.

  The seconds ticked by at an agonizingly slow pace. With two minutes left, I turned to Dr. Burry.

  "Um," I began uneasily. "I have to go, er, do something. You, um, might not see me again during the game. Just, uh, please don't go back to Ithaca without me?"

  He smiled at me knowingly. "I won't, I promise. Good luck."

  "Thanks," I replied, giving him a nervous grin.

  With that, I left my seat and began sneaking toward the rink's Zamboni entrance, trying to be inconspicuous. When I reached my destination, I loitered in the nearby seats, biding my time.

  What I was about to do was both terrifying and exciting at the same time. It would be the ultimate test of my ability to face my awkwardness phobia, but I was up for the challenge.

  As the last ten seconds of the period ticked down, my heart rate sped up to a speed that I hadn't thought humanly possible. The butterflies in my stomach went into overdrive and my hands started shaking.

  Three… two… one…

  The buzzer sounded.

  This was it. This was my moment.

  As the band played "Davy," I dashed out from my hiding spot, past bewildered rink staff, and through the open Zamboni door. I slipped and slid my way across the ice, dodging the confused players to the best of my ability. I was fairly certain that I was being chased by angry Harvard officials, but that didn't matter at all to me. I didn't stop until I reached the wall in front of the Cornell bench, where Tully was still lingering. Using all my strength and the added adrenaline from the excitement, I vaulted over it and crashed to the floor on the other side.

  Knowing I had to be quick, I scrambled to my feet. I spotted the (extremely baffled) object of my affections, ran up to him, and yanked his helmet off.

  His red hair was drenched with sweat.

  I didn't care.

  He smelled like old hockey pads.

  I didn't care.

  There were hundreds of people watching us.

  I didn't care.

  Throwing my arms around his neck, I crashed my lips into his, kissing him for all I was worth.

  When I pulled away, I looked deeply into the green eyes I loved so much that were swimming with emotion.

  "I love you, Tully."

  His face broke into the biggest grin I had ever seen and he wrapped his arms around me, pulling me close and capturing my lips with his.

  "Excuse me, miss," a gruff voice interrupted.

  I turned around to find an extremely angry middle-aged man wearing a Harvard rink staff jacket.

  Looking back to Tully, I gave him a sheepish grin. "I have to go."

  He chuckled, placing a small kiss on the top of my head. "Yeah, I think you do."

  With that, I allowed the staff guy to start leading me away.

  "Evie!"

  I turned around.

  "I love you, too!"

  Smiling, I followed the Harvard staffers off the ice.

  I was the happiest person to ever be kicked out of a hockey rink.

  Chapter 20: A Girl, A Guy, and a Dead Communist

  "I still can't believe you ran out onto the ice."

  I sighed into my cell phone, leaning back on my bed. "I had a good reason, Mom. It's not like I did it just for shits and giggles."

  "I know, sweetie," my mother replied. "Your father and I were just pretty surprised to see you run out like that. We didn't even know you were there."

  My parents and Jamie had indeed been at the Harvard game and had therefore witnessed me making a spectacle of myself.

  Definitely worth it, though, I thought to myself with a smile as Tully sank down on the bed next to me.

  "I would've told you I was coming, but I was sort of, um… distracted."

  My mother laughed. "I can only imagine why. So, you and Tully are an item now?"

  I grinned like the silly love-struck girl I was. "Yeah, we are."

  Tully shifted around so that he was sitting behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist, resting his chin on my shoulder.

  I sighed contentedly.

  "That's wonderful!" my mother exclaimed, drawing my attention back to my phone conversation. "Now you can make me some nice, red-headed little grandbabies."

  "Mother!"

  "I'm just kidding!" she assured me through the fit of giggles that had suddenly come upon her. "Seriously, though, I'm really happy for you two. Your father and brother are, too, even though Jamie pretended to puke when you were kissing."

  "He would," I chuckled.

  "Is that your mom?" Tully whispered.

  I nodded.

  "Hi, Helen!" he shouted in the direction of my phone, though most of his volume ended up going right in my ear, making me wince.

  "Hey, Tully!" she replied.

  "She says hi," I informed him.

  "Listen, sweetie," my mother began. "Have you thought at all about your plans for spring break? 'Cause we were thinking about…"

  Tully suddenly brushed his lips against my neck.

  I could only hope that my gasp wasn't audible through the phone.

  Grinning against my skin, he continued kissing me, adding a few nips and a lick or two. It was all I could do not to moan.

  My mother's voice got my attention. "So what do you think?"

  I honestly hadn't heard a word she'd said, so I bullshitted my way out of the question. "Um, I need to think about it a bit. Can I get back to you?"

  "Sure."

  I bit down on my lip as Tully moved his mouth to the sensitive spot right below my ear.

  "Er, I've gotta go, Mom."

  "Alright, sweetie. Talk to you later. Love you!"

  "Love you, too."

  I eagerly hung up the phone before turning to glare at my boyfriend.

  "You are so bad."

  He grinned. "But you love me."

  My expression softened into a smile. "Yeah, I do."

  "Good, 'cause I love you, too."

  With that, he brought his lips to mine.

  Kissing him was like tasting heaven. A cheesy way of putting it, yes, but it was true. Tully had a way of making me wax poetic. We'd been dating for less than twenty-four hours, and already I was the happiest I'd been in quite some time.

  I smiled against his lips as he laid me back on the bed. He gently nipped my lower lip and I gladly allowed him to slip his tongue into my mouth.

  Our kisses were so different than that first time in his living room. They were equally passionate, but instead of being filled with frantic need, they were loving and tender. There were no constraints anymore; we were free to love each other and had all the time in the world in which to do it.

  Tully caressed my cheek with the pad of his thumb, tenderly tucking a wayward strand of black hair behind my ear. Trailing his hand down my neck, he stopped when he found the thin chain of the necklace he'd given me. He delicately fingered the little life preserver pendant.

  "I love when you wear this," he whispered.

  "I wear it every day," I pointed out.

  "I know." He smiled and placed a kiss on my forehead. "I never thought I'd be able to give it to you after…"

  I stiffened. "Can we not bring that up right now?" Or ever, I mentally added.

  He gave a frustrated sigh, sitting up. "Look, Eves. I know you don't want to talk about it and to be honest, I really don't either. But we can't keep ignoring it if it's going to fuck with our relationship."

  "You sound like a girl."

  "Don't try to dodge the issue by insulting my manhood," he chastised, seeing through my ploy. "You're living proof that I'm pretty damn secure in my sexuality."

  I could hardly deny that, so I kept silent, pushing myself up to sit next t
o him.

  Tully took a moment to collect his thoughts. "Evie, I love you more than anything. I want to be with you more than anything. But I don't want us to have this… thing hanging over us."

  I sat in silence and thought about what he was saying.

  I hated dealing with the past. It was inevitably painful, like ripping a Band-Aid off of an old cut. I didn't want the fight that Tully and I'd had in eighth grade to become a sore point in our relationship. That was why I'd initially made it an off-limits topic and asked that he not bring it up. I'd figured that would keep the demons at bay.

  But that wouldn't work in the long-term. Random things were bound to remind us of what had happened, stirring up the memories and emotions we had bottled up inside us and creating unnecessary issues. Ignoring a problem wasn't the same as solving it.

  As I thought things through, I began to reluctantly admit that Tully was right. If we didn't deal with our past, we couldn't move on to our future. I loved Tully with all my heart and I wanted our relationship to work. If that meant opening up old wounds in order to help them heal, so be it.

  "Alright. Let's talk."

  He was silent for a moment before asking a question he'd probably been wondering about for nearly five years. "When you applied to boarding school, you told me it was just to see if you could get in. Why didn't you tell me you actually wanted to go?"

  I took the easy way out. "I didn't want to upset you."

  "Sure, because the way I found out definitely wasn't upsetting at all."

  I winced at his sarcasm.

  His expression softened. "Come on, Eves. I know you wouldn't lie to me unless you had a damn good reason. So what was it?"

  "It's kind of embarrassing."

  "You can tell me," he urged. "I promise I won't laugh."

  I gave him a skeptical look.

  "Okay, I'll try not to laugh," he amended.

  I took a deep breath. "Okay, so… I didn't tell you that I actually wanted to go because I didn't want you to ask me why. I mean, yeah, I was definitely excited about the great academics and opportunities and stuff, but… the truth is that I thought it would be good for me to, um… spend some time away from you. You know, while still being friends and all."

  The hurt look on Tully's face was practically unbearable. "Why would you ever think that?"

  "Because I loved you," I admitted. "I loved you for almost three years and I knew you didn't feel the same way, and I thought some time apart would help me get over you."

  Tully stared at me incredulously.

  I shifted uncomfortably under his gaze.

  "You loved me?"

  I nodded.

  Suddenly and completely unexpectedly, Tully pulled me into a bone-crushing hug, laughing his head off.

  "You loved me!" he exclaimed. "That's why all that stuff happened! Oh Evie, it's so hilariously ironic!"

  "What the hell are you smoking?" I demanded, profoundly confused by his actions. "How is this funny?"

  Calming down, he let me go, an enormous grin on his face. "It's funny because it's so ironic. You know why?"

  I shook my head, still rather perplexed.

  "Because I loved you, too! That's why I got so mad when I found out you were leaving!"

  It took a moment for his words to sink in. When the irony of the situation hit me, I wasn't sure whether to burst into laughter or to cry hysterically.

  Given those options, I chose the former.

  "Wow, we are such idiots!"

  "I know!" he chuckled.

  "It all makes sense now. We are officially the king and queen of screwing shit up."

  "But hey, things turned out alright, didn't they?" He draped an arm over my shoulder.

  Smiling, I pecked him on the cheek. "Yeah, they did."

  Gently stroking my hair, he sighed. "God, Eves. I'm so sorry for everything that happened back then."

  "Me too," I replied, turning to face him. My eyes trailed up to his forehead. The tiny white scar from the piece of pottery I'd thrown at him was still just barely visible on his left temple. It would always be there, but it no longer filled me with such an intense feeling of guilt.

  Reaching up, I softly kissed it, a symbol of silent repentance and forgiveness that absolved us both.

  * * *

  "Thanks for agreeing to see me."

  Mischa nodded silently. He sat across from me at Stella's, a small café in Collegetown where I'd asked him to meet me. Finally resolving my issues with Tully had been like shedding an enormous burden on my emotional well being, and I hoped that smoothing things over with my Russian ex would deliver the same peace of mind.

  "So, um, how are you?" I asked, unsure of how to begin.

  "I am well, thank you. And you?"

  "Fine, thanks," I replied, deciding that gushing at length about how happy I was with Tully would be extraordinarily inappropriate for the situation at hand.

  Mischa took a sip of his coffee. "Your classes are going well?"

  I nodded. "Yours?"

  "Mhm."

  "Glad to hear it."

  There was a brief, uncomfortable silence.

  "Evie," Mischa finally sighed. "I know you well enough to know that you did not ask me here just to chat. What is on your mind?"

  Though my old confrontation-avoidance tendencies resurfaced, I pushed them aside. "I wanted to apologize and explain some things."

  He raised an eyebrow. "For what do you need to apologize?"

  "For hurting you. I broke things off really suddenly and I didn't even give you a reason. I just handled things really badly."

  He shrugged. "There is nothing to be sorry for. Some people are just not good at those things."

  "I also have to confess something," I told him, knowing I needed to come clean.

  "What?"

  I bit my lip nervously. "Over winter break, some stuff happened, and I… kissed Tully."

  The silence began to grate at my nerves as I anxiously awaited Mischa's reaction.

  "I know."

  Surprised, I blinked. "You do?"

  "I do," he confirmed. "After we broke up, Tully told me. He wanted to apologize to me himself."

  Hence the rather anticlimactic nature of my confession. "Oh. Well, I'm really, really sorry about it. It was completely wrong of me to do that to you, and I still feel horrible about it. You have every right to be mad at me for the rest of our lives, but I really hope that someday you can forgive me and we can be friends."

  Mischa appeared to think carefully about his next words. "I am still a little hurt, but I am not angry with you anymore. You are a good person, Evie, and I want to be your friend."

  I smiled brightly.

  "Besides," he added. "I have always seen that there is chemistry between you and Tully. Perhaps it was inevitable."

  Trust Mischa to get all philosophical about this.

  "I really did care about you, you know," I told him. "I still do. Just not… well, yeah."

  "I understand."

  Another tense silence followed.

  "You and Tully are together now." It wasn't a question so much as a statement.

  I nodded. "Since Saturday."

  There was a pause.

  "I am happy for you, then."

  Skeptical, I scrutinized Mischa's countenance for any signs that he wasn't being truthful and found none. He really was happy for us. As happy as he could be, anyway.

  "Thanks."

  "Mhm."

  I swirled my spoon around in my cup of coffee, trying to think of something to say.

  "We cool, then?" I finally asked him.

  Slowly, he smiled. "Yes, we are."

  * * *

  "One, two, three, we want more! Sieve, sieve, sieve, sieve, sieve, sieve, sieve! It's all your fault! It's all your fault! It's all your fault! It's all your fault!"

  Cheering loudly, I high-fived Elena and Amory in celebration of the goal against Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute.

  The announcer came on over the loudspeaker.
"The third Cornell goal was scored by number twenty-one, Tyler Mugford!"

  "MUGFORD!"

  "Assisted by number twelve, Tully McFadden!"

  I practically popped a lung screaming for my boyfriend. "MCFADDEN!"

  "At 11:03, first period!"

  "FIRST PERIOD!"

  "Yeah, Tully!" I shouted as the announcer reiterated what he had said.

  "He's playing so well tonight," Amory noted.

  I beamed with pride. "He's just awesome like that."

  "Or maybe he's happy about a certain something," Elena suggested, nudging me in the ribs.

  "Yeah, maybe," I chuckled. "Or maybe he's just a good hockey player. How about that?"

  I turned my attention back to the ice just in time to see Tully get smacked hard in the thigh by the stick of an RPI defenseman.

  TWEET!

  As the referee called the slashing penalty, I watched my boyfriend with apprehension, unsure if he was going to retaliate.

  He didn't. He just watched calmly while the opposing player, Merth, skated over to the penalty box.

  "Ahhhhhhhhhh, see ya, you goon!" chanted the Lynah Faithful.

  "Oh yeah, he's definitely in a good mood about something," Amory decided.

  I raised an eyebrow. "So dating me somehow prevents Tully from incurring roughing penalties?"

  He shrugged. "Hey, you never know. I'm just saying that he's kind of been walking around on cloud nine all week, and it might be affecting his game. In a good way, of course."

  "Whatever."

  The rest of the period went smoothly in spite of some tense moments during the two penalty kills resulting from penalties against Joe Scali and Brendon Nash. Scrivens did an excellent job fighting off the RPI shots, and the score remained three to nothing in Cornell's favor when the players skated back to their locker rooms for the period break.

  We all sat down to rest our legs and listen to the pep band.

  "'Silverado,' horns up!" shouted their conductor.

  "Oh!" the band replied.

  I noticed Amory watching Elizabeth as she brought her trombone to her lips.

  "See something interesting?"

  He snapped his head around to face me. "What?"

  "Do you see something interesting?" I repeated.