Lost To Me

by Jamie Blair

  Meet me at my house for dinner before the party. 6:00 Ok?

  Dinner with the fam?

  I laughed. If you’re up for it.

  I’ll be there.

  I stood in the middle of my room. Piles of clothes surrounded me, all over the bed and floor. The Parker’s were downstairs drinking wine with Mom, Dad and Amy. Kolton would be here any second.

  “Not red. Maybe a skirt.” I picked up a little black skirt and shook it out. “Okay, this…I think.” After about ten more minutes of debating with my mirror, I decided on a short, black ruffle skirt and white silky tank.

  “You look nice,” Amy said, leaning against my door frame.

  “Thanks. I didn’t know you were there.”

  “You look a little freaked about Kolton being stuck here for dinner with all of us.” She stepped inside, laughing. “I don’t blame you. Dad might tell him to keep his lips to himself.”

  “God, that would be embarrassing.” Amy and I used to talk about everything, but we hadn’t had a real heart-to-heart for a long time. I needed to talk to her, but didn’t want her to freak out. “Can I ask you a question?”

  “Sure. What do you want to ask me?” She took a sip of wine, watching me over the top of her glass.

  I squeezed my hands together behind my back and rocked up on my toes. I wanted to ask. I’d always wondered. “How old were you the first time?”

  “The first time…first time?” She sat on the bed and crossed her legs.

  “Yeah. That first time.” I twisted my lips hoping she wouldn’t lecture me.

  “Well, um, I was sixteen. With Andy Fletcher. In his basement. On the pool table.”

  I expected her to say, “With the candlestick”. It sounded like she was solving a game of Clue the way she blurted out the details, like it was that matter of fact and always had been. No hem hawing around for her, she just did it.

  I shrugged. “Okay. That answers that.”

  “I should’ve waited. It sucked. I wish it would’ve been with someone I loved.”

  I sat on the end of the bed. Our backs made an L. “I love Kolton.”

  “Does he love you, too?” She turned to me and brought her knees up beside her.

  “I think so.”

  Her hand rubbed across my shoulders. “Be sure. You have time. If he’s the one, he’s not going anywhere.”

  I threw my arms around her, so glad she was here, knowing what I was going through. “Thanks, Ames.”

  There was a knock on the front door and not two seconds later, it squeaked open and Dad said, “Kolton, come in! Nice to see you.”

  I gave Amy a horrified look. “Oh no.”

  “Run,” she said, shoving me off the bed to my feet.

  I dashed down the stairs just as Dad put an arm around Kolton’s shoulders. “Want a drink? Glass of wine? Beer?”

  Thankfully, Kolton looked amused. “Thanks. I’ll take a Coke if you have it.”

  Dad patted his shoulder. “Good kid.”

  “Dad,” I said, hooking an arm through Kolton’s as my dad fetched his can of Coke from the fridge, “you don’t need to test him.”

  “What?” Dad handed Kolton a can and a glass with ice. “What did I say? I didn’t even call him The Sandman yet.”

  Beside me, Kolton looked down at his feet while my face went hot. “Mom!”

  “He’s teasing,” Mom said. “Richard, don’t tease Lauren’s special friend.”

  Special friend? This night was going to be a mortifying experience.

  “Kolton, remember me?” Dr. Parker plucked a cocktail shrimp from the tray on the table. “Dr. Parker. I work with your mom.”

  “Right,” Kolton said, reaching out to shake Dr. Parker’s hand. “Nice to see you again.”

  “Your mom says things are a little turbulent at home.” Dr. Parker bit into his shrimp, waiting for Kolton’s reply.

  Kolton’s eyes darted around the kitchen, to my dad, my mom, Mrs. Parker standing on the other side of the kitchen island listening in the living room. Beside him, I was dying knowing what he was going through—the embarrassment and shame—having his family’s problems shoved under his nose in front of all of us.

  “Things aren’t as bad as they could be,” he said, smiling like he wasn’t fazed.

  “Good to hear.” Dr. Parker wadded his shrimp tail in a napkin. “Your mom’s a brave woman.”

  “Lauren! Come see this!” Amy had sneaked out onto the patio with Oriann. I knew she didn’t have anything to show me. She was saving me—and Kolton—from further torture.

  “Come on.” I grabbed Kolton by the hand and led him around the island, through the living room and out onto the patio. Thank you, I mouthed to Amy.

  She gave me a wide-eyed glance and shook her head. “That was nuts.”

  Kolton plopped down in an Adirondack chair looking defeated. “I’m sorry,” I said. “What a disaster, huh?”

  “No. Not a disaster.” He threaded his fingers between mine. Oriann took off at full speed toward the water, and Amy darted after her.

  “Your Dad’s funny,” Kolton said. “He was only kidding around. If I saw my daughter on the beach like he saw us, I wouldn’t be joking with the guy.” He laughed, and patted the arm of the chair for me to sit. I sat and slipped my feet between his knees.

  “Dr. Parker didn’t mean anything,” Kolton traced an old scar on my knee from a bike-riding accident when I was five. “He always asks about my dad and Kyle when I see him. It’s not like my mom keeps anything a secret.” He squeezed my knee and smiled. “She likes the sympathy she gets from talking about it.”

  The screen slid open and Dad came out. “Stop the kissing. Dad alert! Dad alert!” He chuckled and sat his wine glass on the table. “If you two don’t mind me hanging out for a few minutes, I’ve been ordered to fire up the grill.”

  “Need any help?” Kolton moved my feet and stood up.

  “I might need an apprentice grill cook. Think you can handle one of these?” Dad held up a long-handled metal spatula and waved it around like he was a ninja.

  “Please,” Kolton said, “I got my black belt with one of those.”

  They both laughed, and it was kind of awkward and kind of sweet and a lot weird.

  “I’ll turn this thing on then we can go in and haul out the meat.” Dad said the meat like he was a caveman about to beat on his chest.

  Amy came back lugging Oriann who was chewing on a shell. “Hey, slobber girl,” I said, taking her from Amy. “You’re not old enough to go down there by yourself.” She patted my cheek with a spitty hand covered in sand.

  Kolton and Dad went in the house. “What’s that all about?” Amy asked, watching them go.

  “Kolton apparently thinks Dad’s cool or something, so they’re becoming BFF’s.” I sighed. “Why is this happening?”

  “Dad likes him, that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

  “Yeah, but they don’t have to be all ‘let’s cook together’!”

  Amy laughed and grabbed Oriann from me. “Don’t worry, Mom’s on her second glass of wine. By the time dinner rolls around, she’ll be feeling all lovey-dovey and probably call him her future son. Then you can sigh and be dramatic.”

  “I. Will. Die. She better not say anything remotely like that.”

  Kolton stayed out on the patio beside Dad and the grill, talking sports and whatever else guys talk about. Dr. Parker joined them. Amy and I helped Mom get everything ready inside while Mrs. Parker gossiped about the other doctors’ wives and their charity events and where everyone vacationed over the winter.

  Amy nudged me and rolled her eyes when Mrs. Parker said Seychelles Island hadn’t been nearly as nice as the last time they’d been there. “More wine, Mrs. Parker?” Amy asked, uncorking another bottle and pouring herself a large glassful.

  Dinner was uneventful. Everyone complimented the chef on the perfectly done steaks, which Dad immediately gave Kolton credit for grilling. I couldn’t help but notice the proud look on Kolton’s f
ace.

  We ate until we were stuffed. I couldn’t even fit in one brownie for dessert. Kolton ate two and Mom packed up half of them in foil for him to take home. “Ready to go?” he asked, looking at the time on the stove. “It’s nine. We should head over to Rob’s.”

  “Yeah. I’m ready.” I wasn’t ready. I was totally nervous.

  After quickly helping clear the table, I gave Mom a hug. “I’ll be home on time.”

  “Promise?” She kissed my forehead.

  “I’ll make sure,” Kolton said. “Thanks for dinner. It was great.”

  “You’re welcome any time.” Mom gave Kolton a hug, and I tried not to cringe.

  “Next time T-bones,” Dad said, smacking Kolton on the back.

  “Sounds good.” Kolton waved to Amy who was whisking a crying Oriann upstairs to change into her pajamas.

  Dr. and Mrs. Parker came in to shake hands and tell us goodbye, then we were out of there.

  I breathed out a long breath after closing the door behind us. “Whew. We made it.”

  Kolton grinned and took my hand. “I had a good time. Why were you so freaked out? Your parents and Amy are great.”

  “They can be a little…overwhelming sometimes.” Overbearing, overeager, overprotective.

  “Overwhelming.” He laughed. “What would you call my family then?”

  My throat constricted. “I…uh.”

  Kolton cupped my cheek and kissed me. “That doesn’t require an answer.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with your family. Every family has problems sometimes.”

  He didn’t say anything, just squeezed my hand and opened the car door for me.

  Cars lined the street in front of Rob’s enormous house on the ocean, in a gated, golf community. My back pressed against the Mustang’s leather seat, and I told myself tonight was going to be fun. I was becoming part of Kolton’s real life—the one he’d still have when I went back home, and everyone here would know he was mine before I left.

  The engine silenced, and he turned to me. “You’re sure you want to go? We can do anything you want to do tonight. We don’t have to go in.” His eyes ran over the cars, taking note of who was inside.

  I wondered if I looked nervous. I must if he was offering to do something else tonight. “Of course I want to. I want to meet your friends.”

  He kissed my hand.

  Music pounded through me as we walked up to the front door. In the backyard behind a high fence, it sounded like there were hundreds of people partying. Kolton opened the door, and we went in.

  I expected to be faced with a huge crowd of drunken people, but the place was deserted.

  “They’re downstairs and out back.” Kolton led me downstairs, holding my hand.

  When he was spotted, people called his name, girls came up and hugged him, and guys patted him on the back. Mr. Popular.

  “This is Lauren,” he told everybody he talked to, never letting go of my hand.

  “You want a beer?” he asked.

  One beer wouldn’t kill me. “I guess.”

  We walked toward the bar where neon beer signs hung on the walls between framed posters of college football stadiums and trophy-laden shelves.

  Kolton seemed nervous. “Why are you so tense?” I asked.

  He groaned, squeezed me and kissed my cheek. “It’s no big deal. This girl I used to go out with will be here. I don’t want to see her.”

  A hollow spot formed in the pit of my stomach at the mention of the ex-girlfriend. “Tabby? How long did you go out with her?”

  “About two years. We broke up a lot during that time though.”

  My jaw clenched. “Does she still want you?”

  He shrugged.

  “Is she here?” I said a rapid and silent prayer that she wasn’t.

  “Probably.”

  “Great.” I could puke.

  “Lauren, it’s okay. I’m not with her anymore. I’m with you. Sorry I’m acting like an idiot about it.” He brushed a stray tendril of hair off of my forehead, then took my chin between his finger and thumb. “Okay?”

  My face relaxed, jaw unclenched. “Okay.” I held his eyes for a moment, trying to transmit the message that I wanted to leave the party and kill him for not mentioning the ex-girlfriend would be here. That was something a girl had to prepare for. If he got the message, he ignored it. “Where’s the bathroom?”

  “Upstairs and to the left. Want me to go with you?”

  “No. Be right back.” I flew up the stairs and found the bathroom. After locking myself in, I sat on the lid of the toilet and took deep breaths running my hands over my hair. I shouldn’t have come. None of them were interested in meeting me. They probably all wondered why he was even with me. I just wanted to disappear. I was stupid for coming.

  I played with my hair in front of the mirror, noticed my birthmark seemed exceptionally red tonight, and plotted ways of getting home if I ran out the front door and never looked back.

  “Lauren?” Kolton knocked on the door. “Are you okay?”

  I shook my head no, but said, “Yeah. Why?”

  “I thought maybe you were sick or something.”

  I opened the door. “No. I’m just great.”

  He smiled. “Come on.”

  We went back downstairs.

  “Here you go,” a guy handed me a cold bottle of beer.

  “This is Matt,” Kolton said. “We’ve been friends since third grade when youth basketball started.”

  “Nice to meet you,” I said.

  “You too.” He pointed to a guy in the corner playing beer pong with a tall black and white striped hat on his head. “Rob’s loaded.” His face lit up, amused, and he nudged Kolton’s shoulder. “Want to bet he passes out before eleven?”

  “I’m not dumb enough to take that bet.” Kolton smirked, watching Rob spill beer down the front of himself.

  “Why didn’t you get a beer?” I asked.

  Kolton shoved his hands into his pockets and rose up on his toes. “I don’t drink.”

  I laughed and set my beer on a coffee table. “Neither do I. Just trying to fit in.”

  He grabbed me from behind, wrapping his arms around my waist. “Knucklehead.” His chin rested on my shoulder, and he nuzzled his cheek against mine.

  The patio doors opened, and three girls came inside wearing dripping wet bikinis. They were loud and obnoxious, laughing and slipping on the tile floor. Kolton backed off and steered me to the other side of the room giving me a clue to the identity of one of the girls.

  “Tabby?” I guessed.

  “I don’t want her to say anything to you. Avoidance is probably best.”

  “I’m not here to avoid your ex-girlfriend, Kolton. I’m here to meet your friends.” I wheeled around and headed back toward the door where his ex, whichever one she was, stood dripping. I had no plan, just annoyance surging through me. I wasn’t going to hide from her. She would know—like everyone else here—that he was mine now.

  Back where we’d been standing, Kolton stood between the door and me, laughing. “Maybe I don’t need to try and protect you, Ladybug.”

  “Ladybug?” One of the tall, skinny girls stood behind Kolton. She had long dark hair and blue eyes. They could’ve been brother and sister. “That’s sweet. Daddy said you did a great job on your first day on the maintenance crew. He’s glad you’re working for him.”

  I felt his mental cringe. Everybody in the room felt it from the look of it. Nobody even breathed. He was working for her dad? I was completely confused. Kolton’s eyes were closed, like he was meditating before facing the devil. Then, he turned to face her.

  “That’s great, Tab.”

  Tab. I wanted to gag.

  “How’s your mom?” She tossed a hand on her hip and threw her hair behind her shoulder. Her face was thin, and her cheeks hollow below prominent cheekbones. Her neck was long and slender. Everything about her was…willowy. For the first time in my five foot, seven-inch life, I felt really short.
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  “She’s fine,” Kolton said, avoiding looking at her.

  “She called and told me you missed Kyle’s appointment.” She raised her chin observing me. “This is your Spring Breaker, huh? Needed a lay with no strings attached?”

  My eyes bulged—I thought they might fall out of my head. “Excuse me?”