Lost To Me

by Jamie Blair

  “Tabby…” Kolton held his hand up to me and shook his head. “She’s been drinking, Lauren, and it’s not even worth it.”

  Tabby smirked. “Does she know we always end up back together?”

  My words caught in my throat and had to be forced out. “Then why is he’s with me and not you?”

  Tabby’s lips pursed. She stuck her hands on her hips, and her sharp stare pierced my eyes. “He’s trying to get back at me. Make me jealous. You’re nothing but a pawn.”

  I wouldn’t be intimidated and narrowed my eyes back at her. “A pawn in what? It’s pretty easy to see he’s not into you anymore.” I glanced at Kolton, who looked like he wanted to disappear from the face of the Earth. “He’s with me. It’s not a game.”

  Kolton squeezed my arm.

  “Please.” Tabby glared at me. Her lips curled at the ends like she had a secret she was about to throw at me. “As soon as your lame ass is back where it came from, he’ll be knocking on my door.”

  “Tabby,” Kolton said, still calm. “Shut up. You know that’s a lie.”

  “Is it really, Kolton?” She took one step and stumbled forward, ending up practically on top of him. “If I wanted you right here, right now,” she whispered, “we’d be up in Rob’s room, and she’d be waiting in your car, and you know it.” Her fingertip trailed over his chest.

  He pushed her hand away. “You’re drunk. I’ve told you a million times we’re not getting back together. I’m done. It’s gone on too long, and it just doesn’t work between us.”

  Tabby’s forehead creased. Her eyes glistened. “I love you,” she whispered. “I know you still love me, too.”

  My chest constricted along with my fists. At the same time, I felt sorry for her. She wasn’t ready to let go. Since I never wanted to let him go either, I could empathize. But she had no choice. He was mine now.

  He took her by her wrists, closed his eyes, and exhaled. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  Tabby’s head shook slightly, like she was denying his words. She pulled a hand free and touched his face. I watched as her finger trace the line of his chin, like she was committing it to memory.

  I felt like I was intruding on a very personal moment between them, and it stung. It stung like hell. My eyes burnt with it, my jaw ached with it.

  “I’m sorry,” Kolton said, one last time, tilting his face away.

  Rob stumbled over in his Cat in the Hat hat. “Everybody having fun?”

  Tears slid from Tabby’s eyes. She spun, covering her hands with her face, and fell into Rob’s arms, sobbing.

  “What’s wrong, Tabby Cakes?” Rob crooned, stroking her hair.

  “I want to leave,” I whispered in Kolton’s ear.

  “It’ll be okay.”

  “I’m not staying one more minute. I’ll be in the car. You can come if you want.” I marched up the stairs. He followed right behind me.

  Once we were upstairs and alone, he turned me around by my shoulders. “I’m sorry. I had a feeling it might end up like this. We shouldn’t have come.”

  I put my hand on my throbbing forehead. “I know. Let’s just go.”

  We walked to Kolton’s car in silence. I burned in humiliation, able to hear the music, splashing in the pool, and loud, jeering girl’s voices. I hated them.

  That night was a waste. Two days and precious hours left, and wasting any of it sucked.

  KOLTON

  The rest of the night was spent in my car, back in the beach access parking lot. I leaned my seat back enough that she could rest her head on my shoulder.

  “You’re working for Tabby’s dad?” she asked. It wasn’t really a question. She already knew the answer.

  “My mom asked her to get me and Kyle jobs working for her dad. I could’ve killed the woman. All I want is to be cut free from any ties to Tabby.”

  “Is that why you were so upset the other night? Was it really about Tabby and not about Kyle?” Her voice was almost a whisper, afraid to ask, afraid of the answer.

  “No. Lauren, you have to believe that I have no feelings left for her. I haven’t for a while. I was upset about Kyle, just like I told you.”

  She turned to me and nodded, then smiled, but it only reached half of her mouth. “Why didn’t you tell me about your new job?”

  I guided her head down onto my chest and ran my hand over her shoulder. How did all of these secrets pile up? I just wanted Lauren and not Tabby. It shouldn’t be this hard. “I didn’t want to talk about it, because I don’t want to be working for Tabby’s dad. I didn’t even want to think about it, let alone talk about it.”

  We sat there listening to Isaac Hayes sing Never Can Say Goodbye, each of us lost inside our own thoughts.

  I replayed the party over and over in my head. I wished I knew what Lauren’s face looked like when Tabby and I were talking, but I hadn’t even glanced in her direction. I was an idiot. I didn’t deserve her. She got dragged into this mess with Tabby, with Kyle, with a guy who had too many problems to have a girlfriend. It wasn’t fair to her.

  When I dropped her off in front of her cottage, I held her for a few bittersweet minutes and took the knot out of her hair, letting it fall over her shoulders. I ran my hands through it, down over her arms. My fingertip touched the charm I’d given her. Then, I leaned in and gave her a worn out kiss. I was tired of the fight, the constant fight to keep what was mine, my brother, college, even Lauren. Nothing was easy. It was time to give up.

  Her hands pressed against both sides of my face. Her lips on mine, urged me to keep fighting, encouraged me to never give up. She’d fight for us if I wasn’t able to anymore.

  She revived me, and the flame inside returned, little by little. Eventually, I was back to kissing her so urgently, my hands clutched her hair.

  My mind swam with visions of us together, touching, and kissing everywhere. Like she’d read my mind, her hand eased up the front of my shirt and rubbed my chest.

  I wanted to reciprocate, to touch her, but my head was too messed up from tonight. I didn’t know if I should let her go for her own good, or hold on to her with both hands. I gripped her shoulders and eased her back, away from me. I had too much to think about.

  I steeled myself. “You should get inside. Your mom will be worried.”

  Dumbstruck, it took her a minute to realize I wanted her to get out of the car. My heart clenched with pain at the look of dejection on her face. I had to hurt her now, or she’d hurt worse later. She’d hurt as badly as I was right now.

  “Bye, Lauren,” I said, my throat swollen with emotion.

  “Bye,” she said, and gasped down a sob before clicking the door closed behind her.

  I drove away as she climbed the steps to the front door. My Mustang’s tires kicked up sand. It swirled through the red glow from the taillights in my review mirror as I drove away, looking back, watching her.

  LAUREN

  Mom banged on my bedroom door. “Lauren?” Knock, knock, knock. “Are you awake?”

  “No!” My eyes felt like someone had stuffed sandpaper under my eyelids. My nose was stuffed and my lips were dried out and cracked. I’d cried so much last night that I didn’t remember falling asleep, or even getting in bed.

  “Can I come in? Lauren?”

  “Hang on a sec.” I flung the covers back and realized I was still in my clothes from last night. I was surprised I’d taken my sandals off.

  I slumped to my dresser and picked up a brush. My bloodshot eyes stared back at me in the mirror as I yanked knots out of my hair.

  “Lauren? What’s taking so long? Can I come in yet?”

  “Fine.” I threw my brush down on my dresser. It bounced and clattered against the mirror. “Just come in.”

  The last thing I wanted was my mom asking me a billion questions about what was wrong, so I threw myself back down and buried my face in my pillow.

  “What in the world are you doing in here?” she asked.

  “It’s called sleeping. You sho
uld try it sometime.”

  “Who can sleep? I’m so worried about your sister, I haven’t slept more than a few hours since we got here.” I peeked from my pillow. She stared out my French doors with her arms wrapped around herself. “Mom? Is something going on with you and Dad?”

  She pulled her eyes from the window and looked at me. “We have some things to work out, that’s all. Amy’s…” she waved a hand searching for the right word, “situation has us both stressed and…” She gave me a weak smile. “Anyway, I came in to ask if you wanted to go to the aquarium? It’s Oriann’s first time.”

  “Sounds fun, Mom, but I think I better take more pictures. I still don’t have one to enter in the contest,” I said, when really, I had problems of my own to work out.

  She pressed her lips together and nodded then headed toward my door. “Mom?” She stopped and glanced back. “I’m here you know. If you need to talk.”

  A smile flashed on her face briefly. “I know, Lauren.”

  Even though I’d been to Kolton’s house twice, I passed his road and had to turn Amy’s car around. She and Mom and Dad took the baby to the aquarium, so she let me borrow her car.

  I slowed as I approached the house. Kolton’s car wasn’t there. Kyle was playing basketball on the slab of concrete outside the garage.

  I hesitated for only a moment before pulling in the driveway. Kyle looked up as gravel crunched under my tires. He cupped the ball under one arm and watched as I came to a stop and turned off the car.

  I closed the door and took a couple steps toward him. “Hi.”

  “Kolton’s not home. I thought he was with you. I’m waiting for him, too.” He dribbled and took a shot.

  I played with my keys and watched him for a minute. He ignored me. “Um, could you please tell him I came by?”

  “Why? Are you leaving?” He stopped playing and held the ball again. “Hang out for a while. I’m sure he’ll be here soon. Have you tried his phone?” When he smiled, he looked remarkably like Kolton.

  “No. I need to talk to him in person.”

  “Ah,” he nodded, “I see. Got into a fight last night?” He pretended to toss me the ball, said, “Heads up,” then really did.

  I caught it, laid my keys on the hood of my car and started dribbling. “I don’t know if it was a fight. I’m a little confused about what happened.”

  He stole the ball and took a shot. I rebounded and took the ball down the court.

  “You’re not bad,” he said. “So, what happened?”

  I wondered if Kolton would care if I told him. “I just got upset about something.”

  I took a shot. The ball bounced off of the backboard and through the net.

  “Nice.” He slapped me a high five. “His ex-girlfriend was at the party,” he said. “Tabby.” He took a jump shot for three and made it.

  “Good one. Yes, Tabby. She wasn’t pleased to see me.”

  “She told me.”

  I stopped and held the ball. “When did she tell you?”

  He wiped his brow with his forearm. “She called here a few minutes ago.”

  “She still calls him? How long have they been broken up?”

  “Not long.” He looked at me and his face turned to apathy. “Want something to drink?”

  “No thanks.” I tossed him the ball. “I’m going to go.”

  “I’ll let him know you stopped by.”

  “Thanks.”

  I grabbed the keys off my hood and opened my car door as Kolton turned into the driveway. I watched as he pulled up beside me and got out of his car.

  “Lauren, what are you doing here?” His eyes avoided mine.

  “I want to know what’s going on. Did you break up with me?”

  He sighed and hung his head as he walked around his car to where I stood. “Did you want me to?”

  “What are you talking about? And look at me!”

  He lifted his eyes to mine. Sorrow and anguish looked out of them. “You’re better off without me.”

  “Is that true? Or, are you just getting back together with Tabby? She called by the way.”

  His head darted to Kyle, who did his best to pretend we weren’t there.

  “What did she say?” Kolton asked.

  “Why don’t you call her and find out?” I turned to my car and got in slamming the door so hard I thought the window might shatter.

  He opened the door and took my arm. “Lauren, let’s talk.”

  “I think I know what you’re going to say. It’s fine.” The rage kept the crushing tide of reality from killing me. I took the ladybug necklace off and shoved it at him. He wouldn’t take it.

  “Talk to me Lauren.” He took both of my hands. “Come inside.” Desperation filled his face. “Please?”

  “Fine.” I got out, slammed the door again and crossed my arms. “Talk.”

  “Inside.” He pried my hand free and laced his fingers with mine. “Come on.”

  Kolton sat on his bed and pulled me down beside him. “I want you to really think about us.” He stared at my hand, held tight between both of his. “After you leave, you’ll be back with your friends, and I won’t matter to you anymore.”

  I pulled my hand away. “You’re saying this because that’s how it’ll be for you, not me. You saw all of those people last night, and I just don’t fit in, do I?”

  His mouth hung open, shocked. “Lauren, everything I do turns to shit. You can see that, right? This has nothing to do with anyone but you and me. You should be with someone better than me. Someone who won’t disappoint you.”

  I stared into his eyes and shook my head. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Up until last night, we were perfect. I have no clue what changed that other than seeing Tabby. So, just be clear about it. Do you want to be with her?”

  He laughed and put his face in his hands. “God, no. I feel nothing for her anymore. I didn’t want to hurt her though. That’s why we’ve broken up so many times.”

  “But, you keep getting back together with her?”

  “Yeah. For the wrong reason.”

  Sex. Right. Exactly what he’d rejected from me last night in his car when I was ready to hand it over in a desperate attempt to keep him.

  He turned to me and cautiously took me into his arms. “Maybe I’m just being stupid. I’m afraid you’re going to forget all about me in a few weeks.”

  “Is that what this is about?” I held his face and made him look at me.

  He closed his eyes, the corners of his lips turned down. “You deserve better, and you’ll realize it soon. Then I’ll be left without you.”

  “Open your eyes.” He did.

  “Stop,” I whispered. I ran my fingers through his hair and over his face. “Stop. You are the only person I want. That’s not going to change.” I kissed him once, then once again. “I don’t care if you have family things to take care of, or if you have ex-girlfriend issues. I just want it to be your lips that kiss me.”

  My body was crushed in his embrace. His lips were everywhere all at once. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “God, Lauren, I’m so sorry.”

  “You don’t want to break up with me?” My breathless voice bordered on a sob.

  “I never want to be without you.” He took the ladybug necklace out of my hand and clasped it back around my neck. Then he kissed it and kissed around it, on my chest.

  My head fell back as his fingers gently tugged the neckline of my shirt, revealing more skin for his lips to kiss. “Tell me when you want me to stop.”

  He laid me back on his bed and leaned on his elbow beside me. His warm hand slid under my shirt and rubbed my stomach as his lips parted mine. Slowly, his hand ran up over my ribs and stopped on top of my bra. A second later, his fingers slid inside it.

  My mind reeled in dizzy pleasure. A thin thread of panic wove through the bliss when I was able to focus for a moment on what I was actually doing.

  He moved his hand down. It ran up my thigh and under my skirt, stopping between my
legs. The thread wove thicker and deeper.

  I grabbed his wrist.

  “Stop?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  “Okay.” He smiled. “Can I still lay here and kiss you?”

  I threw my arms around his neck and pulled his face to mine. We laughed with our mouths pressed together. The hum of laughter tickled my lips.